Sunday, August 31, 2014

Farmer Chris Starts Filming The Bachelor!

Lovably romantic Iowa farmer, Chris Soules, has been confirmed as the next contestant to look for love on ABC's The Bachelor.
You probably remember Chris best for sky writing over his farm when he and Andi Dorfman had a hometown date, or for being the writer of the secret admirer letters to the Bachelorette. Chris with the bright white teeth, dreamy eyes and honorable ways. According to insiders, he had this opportunity in the bag since the night he was eliminated by Andi. They wanted him all along. He is definitely a fan favorite but also comes with the added bonus for the Bachelor franchise that he is nothing like Juan Pablo.
With bachelor nation still stinging from J.P.'s strange season, many of whom said "I'm done with watching this stupid show," The Bachelor producers are still doing damage control for Juan's cocky defiance, even though he and Nikki Ferrell are still together, which is more than most bachelor couples can say 10 months later. Who knows what guns J. Pablo stuck to in order to get his way and maybe even retain a semblance of dignity. He is contractually not allowed to speak about a lot of what went on but he cryptically tweets that during the Bachelor process the producers negotiated with him to make choices he didn't agree with. Nikki knows what went on and tweets against the producers regularly, calling them out in support of J.P.
But now we have a very different kind of a Bachelor headed our way--32 year old farmer Chris Soules. In recent interviews Soules has said that he believes in this process and I think that is either sweetly optimistic or his way of saying "it's lonely out there on the farm and I'm gonna jump on this opportunity and have some fun."
I'm sure the idea is pitched to him as a golden opportunity, like being picked to go up in space on a rocket ship. Chris Harrison probably uses the words "true love" and talks about how difficult it is to find love in this crazy world. I have hours of fun just imaging what is said to get a nice person without a modeling career to think of to do this show.
The Iowa town Soules comes from is very small and you can imagine that he's dated every available single woman. His last relationship lasted seven years and they broke up because it wasn't great, only good. So he's a stick with it kind of guy if he lasted seven years. He's probably used to settling because of his remote location. But now he'll be dating some pretty gorgeous women in heavy makeup and gowns who have never even seen a tractor. Women who will lie and pretend they love the outdoors and farm life in particular, just to get to the holy final four so they can become a part of the Bachelor Family and get loads of TV time and attend all the fundraisers and parties. Chris better have his BS detector on high.
Filming starts soon and we'll see the results in January, after we have to endure a season of Dancing With The Stars. Good luck Chris. My advice is to maybe do the hometowns first and have them clean a horse barn for the first date.
In other news, has anyone noticed ads on T.V. lately for a dating service much like but called FarmerLove or some such thing? I'm seeing these commercials all over the place now that Chris is the new Bachelor. Are women out there thinking they'd like to bag a farmer, because not all farmers are like Chris Soules, I just want to say. A lot of them wear overalls and you know how sexy those look on a man, especially one who smells like manure and has a pot belly. You have to like a certain lifestyle and enjoy flat land and remote locations. I married a man from a flat farming area but he likes urban life and I'm thankful for that. I'd never last a year in his hometown, not that it isn't lovely, but it's remote. (Hi Honey!)
Regardless of Chris Soules' prior speeding tickets (long straight roads in Iowa) his open alcohol containers in the car (farm life!) and running stop lights in the town of 160 people, I think the next season of the bachelor will be filled with sweet gestures and romance. After all, this is a guy who works to end hunger in his home state, champions for farmers, and still has time to bring in the crops and play ghost in the graveyard at family gatherings.

Kim Hornsby is the bestselling author of The Dream Jumper's Promise an award winning Mystery novel as well as the short story series, The Husband Hunt, modeled after The Bachelor. The first one is free, the second story is cheap and the third is being written right now.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise-Surprise Exit and Name Calling!

We pick up where the last episode left off...The Rose Ceremony. Graham has just walked off the set, wiping his brow and leaving AshLee with a rose in her hand. Michelle followed because she's the person who cares most about Graham and quite frankly, Michelle Money is almost part of the production crew with the amount of time she spends on camera. She's as comfortable as Chris Harrison with this process--more on that later. I have a diabolical plan.
Graham calms down and goes back out to accept Ashlee's rose, shocking several in the crowd but not moi. Who else is going to give him a rose? He's having a great time at BIP and AshLee is his "woman", regardless of how she acts off-camera. Okay.
Then Lacy runs off to the women's room to vomit and they take her off in an ambulance with Marcus by her side. Montezuma's Revenge 1 BIP 0. I heard the food was terrible, almost as bad as the bugs. Everyone is asked to get back in "Places, please" and the rose ceremony continues even though they are dropping like flies.
Jackie is the wild card. Who will she pick? She chooses Jesse over Marquel and over Kalon (Duh!) and both men are sent packing.
Next day, Clare declares it's a brand new week as she overlooks the gorgeous beach from a balcony. But wait, it's time for women to start arriving and who's this coming down the beach in short shorts and cowboy boots? It's Christy, apparently from Juan Pablo's season. Before everyone has a snit fit, Sarah takes her off to talk about who's in a couple already. Christy asks Zack on a date anyhow, but he turns her down. Then she asks Jesse who is hot to trot times ten and accepts. The two walk the streets of Valladolid eating chocolate, drinking tequila and conversing vacuously. Jesse is a douche bag and Christy, who desperately needs sunblock, doesn't see he's already telling her he's just like her last boyfriend who slept with other women.
Sarah gets a date card and takes her new boyfriend, Robert, out to dinner where they bump heads at dinner (cute) and finally kiss in the hot tub. Whew!
Back at the dorm room, Cody is bench pressing Michelle, standing on his head, and doing everything he can to win this girl. Lacy is back from the hospital and watches with Marcus pressed into her side. Jesse and Christy join the group and she exclaims she wants to get wasted.

Outside, Clare and Zack have a discussion about them and Clare interprets it to mean, I'm not that into you. She goes off crying, packs her bags and announces she's leaving. The fact that Zack doesn't go after her speaks volumes and we are actually sad to see Clare go. The music from Psycho plays in the background and I have to ask why? Again, the director tries to make her look like a nut job. They edit this segment as though the raccoon is her confident in the jungle and she leaves with a snotty nose and puffy eyes from crying. At least Zack walks her to the van before he goes back to zero in on Jackie.

The next day, Lucy, the nudist, arrives with a date card and asks Jesse to go to the ruins with her. Lucy has been to these ruins before and does a running commentary, giggly hippy style. They go for drinks where Lucy speaks perfect Spanish. She's not only flaky and a very bad friend to Christy by making out with Jesse in the limo, but Lucy is well educated. I'm thinking trust fund rebel.

Michelle and Cody have a date that day too and it's a photo shoot on the beach in wedding clothes. Cody must've requested this because he's ready to say his "I do's" to Michelle, knowing a good thing when he sees it but Michelle needs him to slow down to at least 300 MPH.

Speaking of racing, Graham and AshLee go car racing and he jokes that she's ready for her mini van because she's not a speed demon. AshLee wears her nice face all date long.
When Lucy and Jesse arrive home, Christy sets out to drinking enough to fortify her bravery and takes Jesse off for a talk. As much as Jesse can talk. Jesse Kovac's character is somewhere between Kalon and Chris B. Actually he makes Chris B look like a nice guy. After their meaningful conversation they get horizontal where they might not realize the camera is watching them grope and kiss. Conniving Lucy arrives to make it a threesome and who knows what happens next because all we hear is Jesse sounding like he's the luckiest guy on earth.

Rose Ceremony: Zack has a talk with Jackie about wanting to get to know her and they actually look like they look ready. Did these two have something going at a Bachelor function before? He came to BIP hoping she'd be there. I imagine Clare watching this from home with the raccoon. Jesse acts like a "man whore," Lacy's words, Michelle looks like Cruella de Ville and Lucy schemes to overthrow her bestie, Christy but it's a bad sign when Jesse can't even remember Lucy's name. He chooses the blonde and Lucy gets into the van of shame, trash-talking Christy and making us doubt the sincerity of all this girl's love and hugs and free-spirited joy.

Final note: I would love to see a whole spinoff reality show with Michelle Money as the focus. She is funny and compelling and way too savvy for this show. If she can stop crying so much, I'd watch the Michelle Money show. How about you? Here's two shots of her with and without makeup which is fascinating in itself.

Next week things start wrapping up for the season, people get desperate and someone still has to get handcuffed, right? See you right here next week.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise--Two-Faced AshLee is Doomed!

Two Nights of Bachelor in Paradise this week! It's like watching the planned detonation of a huge skyscraper implode and fall, isn't it? I can't look away even though my teenage son thinks so much less of his parents for watching.
It's a girl fight faceoff episode but first we have tears and disappointment for Michelle Money, who seems to be the producers' favorite. She spends a lot of time on camera. Mostly crying but still...
Last night's episode picked up where last week's rose ceremony left off. Michelle Money was still in tears about Chris B giving her the girl rose and the BIP remaining contestants walked with pretty lanterns down the beach to their palapa mansion, spaced evenly so the cameras could get a lovely shot of them along the moonlit surf.
Back at the house there was a date card for Robert, the hot commodity with Sarah and Michelle. He'd just given Sarah his rose so guess who got the date.
Sarah was asked. That set off Michelle M in tears again, saying she's a loser even though she wears the most makeup, knows how to do her hair the best, and was wearing a backless crocheted dress. What is she possibly doing wrong? I'm not a man expert but they hate tears, don't they? Not Graham who comforts her in the toilet room.
Next day she does Sarah's hair, (which turns out to be just same old hair with a little braid down the right side) and then mopes about how the only guy left is Robert and she's alone--AGAIN! SHE JUST NEEDS A MAN! More tears. Sarah and Robert take off on a catamaran from Playa del Carmen and they have a fun in the sun time. Could it be that someone on the show actually enjoys this quiet, sweet girl and doesn't have an ulterior motive of ending up in a girl's bunk?
Back at the beach, Cody, the body builder from Andi's season, meanders into the group. Apparently he'd been waiting at a bar for his cue and was already tipsy which explains why he zeros in on Clare like a hungry tiger and asks on a date. He won't take no for an answer. After about 17 conversations with Clare and Cody, Clare and Zack, Cody and Marcus etc. she says no to the date offer. Cody gives his rose to Marcus who asks Lacy which was a gesture sure to get Cody points.
 On the date Marcus mistakenly says the 'love' word, replaces it with "like" and Lacy is elated but her mascara stays perfectly in place.
Zack and Clare are back together after a day of taking their eggs out of each other's baskets and pretending to give others one of their eggs. ???? This is their sweet talk style. But all Zack's eggs are now back "in her basket."
Then the biggest A-hole in the history of The Bachelor walks down the beach--Kalon. You remember him calling Emily Maynard's child "baggage". Oh that's not the worst of it. Just wait. He's about to insult Mexican people, call Sarah and Jacki lizards and brag about helicopters again. First he asks Michelle on his spelunking date. She refuses and tells him why. She is friends with Emily and is a mother. Then Jacki. She refuses. Then Sarah. No. I'm not sure if he threw it out to the group but he goes alone on the date and pretends to love himself so much, that was his choice. Clare jokes that he'll be belaying himself into that cave for a romantic dinner. Zing.
Then a third man arrives. Jesse Kovacs. He's the Chris Bukowski replacement. Player on the Playa. He asks Jacki on his date and she says yes. Marquel still hasn't claimed Jacki as his own so the old snooze you lose phrase comes to mind. Jesse is desperate to latch on to a girl seeing the rose ceremony is the next day and he pours on the compliments during their cave dinner. It works!
Meanwhile it's massage night at the playa and everyone is getting a massage but Michelle who is a self-professed loser. Cody gives her a pity back rub but wait, her back resembles Clare's and he likes it.

The next day, AshLee finds herself in a swinging hammock chair with Zack--they are talking. Thinking she's out of camera range, she says that Clare is cuckoo and basically a slut for f___ing Juan Pablo in the ocean. What?! AshLee does a whole lot of back pedaling when Zack points to the tree camera. OOPS! She will be in deep doo doo with Clare Crawley when this episode comes out. But wait, Maybe sooner. Lacy tells Clare about this conversation and then the palapa roof begins to blow off as Clare shoots steam out her ears.
That night AshLee and Clare have a face off talk on the beach where AshLee's second face (the nice one) is dominant, but Clare won't hug it out with her. She is MAD! AshLee heads back to her room where the microphones pick up her saying "f__ing bitc_". Nice mouth on you, AshLee.
Tension builds to the 4th rose ceremony where Cody and Michelle take a moment to kinda like each other and hug just in time for Cody to secure a rose, Jesse and Jacki have another discussion about how cute she is to lock that vote in and Graham gets pulled aside by Michelle to only now find out about AshLee's two-facedness.

When the rose ceremony begins, the obvious twosome goes first and Marcus gets a rose. Then AshLee tries to give Graham a rose and he walks off camera, through the group of hairy, unkempt production crewmembers and Michelle follows. That's when tonight's episode ends and these letters appear on the TV.

To Be Continued...

Bachelor in Paradise will be on again tonight at 8 pm where we'll finally see what Clare does with those knives and who takes off in the ambulance. I predict Clare cuts up AshLee's clothes or something. What do you think?

Monday, August 18, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise- The "Player" Quits the Show!

Tonight on Bachelor in Paradise we picked up where the rose ceremony of last week left off. Minutes later. Remember that this 6 week series was actually filmed in three weeks so every single day is represented. If you count bonfires or breakfasts, it comes out to three weeks.
While Elise and bad boy Chris Bukowski get cozy just minutes after she was thinking of having babies with Dylan, the others are aghast at Elise's ability to switch camps so fast.
Couples walked back to the palapa mansion and Michelle Money teased Marquel as they approached the house about being unique. Little did she know.
Inside the mansion waited Danielle, a stunning woman from Juan Pablo's season and before she can ask who is paired off with who, she chose Marquel for her date, set to leave early the next morning. He's game! Sure! Let's go!
But what about Michelle, who just gave him the rose so he could stay another week? I'm confused.
The next morning Marquel and Danielle left on a small plane to cross the Yucatan Peninsula for Campeche, a touristy town, where they walked around, swam in a pool, flirted and almost got hit by lightning.
Did anyone else think that Marquel's reaction to the lightning didn't allow for good ole fashioned gentlemanly concern for his date? He started running for safety and didn't look back. Dude, it wasn't just you who almost got hit.
Back at the beach, Elise got a date card which made AshLee pissed that it wasn't for her and Graham. No good sportsmanship lost on that girl. Elise asked her new boyfriend of 12 hours, Chris B. While Elise had Michelle crack out the curling iron, Chris went swimming and proceeded to tear his ACL. Ouch. (The amount of hair blowers and curling irons in the bathroom made me wonder if all seven girls used the same mirror. Yikes. Or if Michelle had brought the salon with her.)

Meanwhile, the doctor came by to see the vein in Chris's leg popping out of his skin and after wrapping the knee with ice, advised the bachelor to stay off his leg. Yea, right. He's got an overnight date coming up with Elise. He'll try to get prone fast but there's only so much a man can do.
The small plane bound for Campeche takes off with Chris in so much pain that the only thing that stops him from screaming and writhing is that he may not get the fantasy suite card if he quits the show. Spurred on by the sight of Elise in a green bandage dress, Chris perseveres. At dinner they are presented with two room keys and Elise says Let's just "go to the pool and feel it out." Okaaaaay. Chris is more to the point and tells the camera, "She's super hot and I just want us to spend the night together." Seeing her in an emerald green bikini, Chris is determined to not scream from pain as Elise tries out a new twist on her name, "Elise Bukowski," and likes the sound. These two are a match made in heaven.
At the beach, Robert has become a hot commodity now that Michelle has no one to love, so she sets her sights on the tall, boyish Robert Graham. Clare and Michelle set up a double date with Zack and Robert and although Michelle tries her darndest, Robert doesn't go in for the kiss. She calls him sexy and he still doesn't take her hand. We hope he's thinking of Sarah who is crying back at the hut, saying she's always struggled to be more outgoing and wondering what Robert is doing.

When Marquel and Danielle arrive home from their date, they sit very separately at the campfire on the beach. The second sign that it didn't go as well as Danielle thought is when a new girl walks up like she's god's gift to men and Marquel's eyes pop out of his head.
Hey wait. It's just Jackie, the red-haired girl next door type. With her date card, she snags Marquel to fly out in the morning and although he just got off the plane, he's game! Michelle Money rolls her eyes and the lizards in the bushes are heard to say "What's up with the guy in the nerdy glasses? He just got back from a date."

Michelle decides to put all her time and effort into Robert now, like he's a business plan and the next day tells her BFF Graham, just that. They walk on the beach a lot, those two former lovers, bouncing romantic plans off each other.

Marquel and Jackie board that same plane to...You guessed it --Campeche!
Then AshLee finally gets a date card that was just dropped on her bed like the producers are afraid of her chewing them out for waiting so long. We know from trailers that AshLee is way down that road to claiming Graham and she's already planning to introduce to her daddy but Graham's only at the head of the road wondering whether to follow her.

In this episode did anyone else notice how we jumped around so much from date to date-- couples swimming and girls talking, at the ruins now back to the beach-- that it was hard to keep things straight. Marcus and Lacey go swimming in a pool while a Raven lifeguards. Clare and Michelle talk about how much Robert likes her. Lizards watch all this from the foliage. This type of thing.
 Marquel and Jackie hit it off at the ruins and Marquel breaks his no kissing on the first date rule and dives in for the kiss. He's very conversationally charming but what about Michelle? And Danielle? Maybe he needs a girl whose name doesn't rhyme with his.
 Elise and Chris head for the hospital after their overnight date leaving us to wonder what happened in that fantasy suite until we remember his knee problem. Aside from the fact that the date went great, "she was extremely excited," Chris is in terrible pain. Yup, he's torn stuff and sprained some other stuff and has to go to bed back at the hut. Elise welcomes the chance to wait on him because, after all, she's going to be Elise Bukowski! "Chris is my man now forever," she says. Good luck with that one. She's a delusional clinger and he's a player. This will be fun to watch.

That night, Clare's sad about the anniversary of her father's death and Zack comforts her until she sees a turtle lay eggs on the beach and takes it as a sign from her dad that new life is all around. Essentially he's telling her to live her life. Don't grieve. Okay, I believe in signs but the way they filmed this, it was actually funny. Someone at The Bachelor loves to make fun of Clare.

Back in Campeche, AshLee admits she follows Graham on Instagram and he looks royally creeped out. How much do these two actually know each other after two weeks if she hasn't admitted this yet? They are presented with two room keys and Graham decides they should sleep apart, even though AshLee tries to seduce him in her little tight dress, while dancing in the street. Best line of the night is from AshLee who states after a parting kiss that she and Graham would "have hot babies." What does that mean? Promiscuous, sexy babies?

At the rose ceremony the next night, Chris B has to be carried down the beach in the dark to the ceremonial couch, Chris H appears in a white three-piece-suit like something out of Miami Vice, and the girls worry about who will go home seeing there are eight of them to six guys. Robert has interviews, I mean conversations, with both Michelle and Sarah who both hope for his rose and Marquel talks to both his dates in his too-short black tie and flowered shirt.
The predictable roses go from Zack to Clare, Graham to AshLee, Marcus to Lacey and then Marquel gives his rose to newcomer Jackie, kicking both Michelle and Danielle to the curb. Robert gives his rose to sweet Sarah, kicking Michelle back to the curb in her severely made up face and when Chris calls Elise for her rose, he makes a grand romantic gesture that no one saw coming. He says he's leaving the show to seek medical help for his knee and asks Elise to go with him. She says yes and Chris turns to Michelle who "deserves love more than anyone here," to give her the rose. Saved at the eleventh hour by a man that everyone thought was a philandering player. Maybe Chris is a nice guy after all. Oh wait. He met Elise just two days earlier, shared a hotel room with her the previous night and is probably hoping for some hanky panky.
Elise is delighted to leave with him and off they go.
In the limo, Danielle, who genuinely liked Marquel, coined the phrase Marq Hell and I tended to agree she'd had a bad experience with the once sweet contestant. He was flaky this week with little regard for two other women. Not nice.
What's in store next week? The raccoon makes another appearance with his mangy tail, Clare chews out AshLee, collects knives from the kitchen, and at the rose ceremony AshLee runs off into the jungle, something weird happens and an ambulance arrives. Doesn't someone get handcuffed soon? Don't forget that next week's installment is over two nights --Monday and Tuesday-- so check your calendars and cancel all evening appointments. It looks very juicy!

Kim Hornsby is a Bestselling Novelist of suspense. The Dream Jumper's Promise has 221 Reviews on Amazon, mostly 5 stars and was the winner of Chanticleer Paranormal Mystery/Thriller contest. When not writing suspense, she drowns herself in mindless entertainment like The Bachelor and eats bon bons from a red velvet box.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise - Broken Legs and Face Licking!

Didn't we just know this would be the best Bachelor in Paradise episode in all history? And it was!
This week's installment of drama, drinking and dumping started with Chris Harrison explaining a situation that must've made the producers simultaneously salivate and cackle with joy.
Michelle K was eliminated last week after saying she didn't find a connection with anyone on BIP. She took herself out of the running, apparently to get back to her adjoined hotel room where the door was open to a crew member who wooed her (initially by finding the poor girl some dental floss.) You all saw how MK's loveshack twist evolved and that when cameras tried to film her in the room, she shut the door on Chris Harrison, saying to another producer that CH is not "the guy", he's "just a host". Ha ha. If she had any hope of keeping her secret quiet, that ruined her chances. CH is the biggest big wig next to Mike Fleiss in The Bachelor franchise.
Long story short, the psychiatrist was ready to debrief Michelle (as is always the custom on The Bachelor), a crew went to get her, Michelle was wearing only a towel and her next door buddy, Ryan Putz, was there--a big no no. In the dark, he estimated the jump off the balcony to be 6 feet, lept and broke both legs to protect both Michelle's reputation and his job. He pretty much screwed up both, and was taken to the Tulum hospital for bright white casts and his walking papers. Why didn't he just go back to his room through the adjoining door?

Back at the beachside Hacienda, Clare told Lacey to "lock it in" with Marcus in a whispered bunkbed conversation, only to be interrupted by the arrival of Chris Bukowski to the tune of the Jaws music. How appropriate. You remember Chris B. He shows up for anything and everything where there's girls, free plane tickets, TV face time, and prize money. The funniest line of the night was when a small group of men watched CB approach with a date card and Marcus bet he was here to "steal the women". Did anyone else picture the Wild West and Chris B roping the women folk together to ride off with them in his wagon?
With his date card, CB picked Clare which turned out to be his & her massages on the beach and playing in the surf-- platonically. Did Clare know what a bullet she dodged by not wrapping her legs around him, pretending to be afraid of the water on that date? Later she found out.

Back at the palapa mansion, Marcus got a date card, much to Robert's dismay, and he took Lacey out to dinner. Lacey's shockingly easy switch from Robert to Marcus, and flirty look is getting old fast and already I'm kind of sick of her. Robert should be too. I like Marcus but see heartache in his future.

That night drinks came out and shots were consumed a little too fast around a beach bonfire. The BIP singles coined the super cute phrase YOPO--You Only Paradise Once and things got a little wild with face licking and such. Then Elise grabbed Chris B and took him into the surf. (You might remember that with such close quarters in the house, the surf is the fantasy suite on this show.) Much kissing ensued. Dylan, who earlier had told her to make other friends and go on a date with someone else, had gone to bed.
Next morning Elise looked like the dog's breakfast in a severe hung-over state and was regretful about kissing CB. She came clean with Dylan and he used this to pretend if she hadn't kissed CB, they'd be okay. But no, he was done with her. Clare innocently asked "Is anybody here for love?" as she realized that she'd gone on two dates and both men dropped her like a scorpion nest afterward.

As lizards and tree frogs watched incredulously from the leafy foliage, Zack (from Des's season) showed up and whisked poor ole lonely Clare off on a date to try on hats and goof around in town.
I actually felt happy for Clare now that she had herself a real live man who seemed to like her. They surmised that their pheromones were very compatible. In the surf Clare immediately wrapped those legs around Zack to verify his attraction to her. Yep, he liked her.

Dylan got the date card and asked Sarah, not Elise, and she decided to go on the date, with Elise's blessing. But wait! She was only kidding! Don't go. Or at least don't like him. Don't touch him or smile at him. Wait! Don't go. Oh well, go.
We didn't see much of the date but it's a long road back to dating for Dylan after one week of hanging out exclusively with the possessive Pisces, Elise. Sarah looked extremely awkward with her glass of apple juice and the two had a quiet dinner, saying nothing much at DREAMS resort.

Back at the beach, Elise talked non-stop about Dylan and got her hair done by Michelle M. while she nattered on and on and waited for her man and best friend to come home.

Lying on the bed wearing ankle socks, Marquel was present when Marcus spilled a glass of water on Ben Scott's backpack, conveniently revealing a love letter. Of course the two M's read it and confronted Ben at the bonfire. So far, Ben had not found a canoodling partner in the BIP group and when asked, confessed to a new girlfriend back home. Oh no! He's not there for the right reasons. Shame.
Michelle Money was very upset and cried herself off to another room saying Ben took a coveted spot that could have been used by some man who might be the love of her life. Hey wait. I thought she was getting to know Marquel.
Ben exited with a few tears, calling his "goodbye to Hollywood" and vowing to be "done with T.V." That's actually good news and also surprising news. Was Ben a big TV personality? It all works out because he's got this cute girlfriend in Texas who probably has no idea why he came on this stupid show in the first place.

The Rose Ceremony: Six roses to be handed out to seven men. I'm no mathematician but that means that someone will have to leave and I'm pretty sure it'll be a guy. Everyone got dressed up according to what they brought in their suitcase and then convened in the Couch Room.

All day men had been doing damage control, trying to secure a rose from a woman, Chris Bukowski working as hard as I've ever seen, especially because Elise wouldn't let go of the future she imagined with Dylan. Sorry CB, I'm having babies with Dylan, she all but said.

Before the ceremony, Marquel almost bought himself a plane ticket home when he and Michelle M went off to have a talk and he admitted that her excessive drinking concerned him. He was swigging red wine as he said this. ??? What?
Personal note: Can you imagine the closet these two might share if they end up together? The accessories, the colors? Every day would be a costume party!
 He exited when Robert asked to talk to Michelle, not realizing he should have stayed to get back on MM's good side! Tell her what you like about this amazing woman with the necklace stuck on her head. Robert tried to charm Michelle into giving him her rose and later entered the ceremony confident he'd step into Marquel's bow tie and pink shoes.
In the Rose Ceremony, roses were handed out and Elise tried to fasten the rose to Dylan who wouldn't take it. (He'd told her earlier not to try but she must've had sand in her ears because she heard, "I really do love you so much, but I'm scared.")
Elise then made a boring speech about something that the director chose to set to comedic circus music. When done, she handed out her rose to CB who pretended that he was simply being gracious by accepting it.
In a what just happened? moment, Sarah gave Robert her rose, not her date partner Dylan, and said she'd like to get to know Robert better. The boot was given to Dylan with no chance of love or a hookup, (unless he found a crew member to snuggle with before he flew out.)

Next week looks good as Graham and Ashley finally get a date, Clare enjoys her new man, another woman arrives who likes Marquel, and Chris B. continues to prove his slimy ways. Can't wait.

Kim Hornsby is the Amazon Bestselling author of several suspense novels as well as a romance series modeled after The Bachelor called The Husband Hunt. The first book in this series is free on Amazon. And once you get hooked, the second book costs money- 99 cents. This is how she makes enough money to pay for her children's nanny, the housekeeper, pool boy, and her dog walker.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise- Racoon Steals the Show!

Bachelor in Paradise premiered last night with the arrival of fourteen contestants to a beachy remote resort in Tulum, Mexico. As the women stepped gingerly down the uneven rock stairs in platform sandals, Chris Harrison greeted (but did not help) each one and sent them down the beach to a huge open air cabana/mansion. In true man form, the guys greeted Chris, hot-footed it to the cabana and then checked out each girl walking along the beach.
Six men and eight women made up the first wave of BIP, with more arriving each week to surprise and disappoint others hoping for a rose. There is no game here, no money, and little structure. Just hang out, get to know each other and hook up.
The contestants live sequestered at the house, date cards show up for one on one dates, and everyone tries their darnedest to find someone to kiss in the surf. Or hang out in Bromance groups to drink and laugh.
Lacey Faddoul, an early reject from Juan Pablo's season, arrived determined to stay on the show longer than one night and secured herself two men in the first twenty four hours by taking each one into the surf to wrap her legs around and kiss. Her push-up, padded swim suit bra should have been counted as the ninth girl because it did most of the work to get Marcus Grodd and Robert interested.

AshLee Frazier, who we liked on Sean's season, set her crosshairs on Graham Bunn, telling him she was there for him which strangely did not scare the Bachelor alumni away. Neither did her severely false eyelashes. He kind of liked her declaration of love but when Clare Crawley (who is on BIP to clear her villain name) asked Graham on a date, AshLee freaked out, stalker-style, calling Clare names, crying, pretending to pack her messy suitcase. Clare took the high road and asked another guy in an effort to not cause trouble and still AshLee wouldn't talk to Graham. "Let's talk tomorrow." she said. What a _itch (it rhymes with ditch).
And speaking of dumb, Lacey said she likes her two swimming partners 80-40, which last time I checked does not add up to 100.

Robert went to the ruins with Clare who didn't know what a vista was, they had a fun time, Clare tried her hardest to be happy, fun, sexy, needy but Robert returned to the beach and went straight for Lacey to see if she was mad at him. When the sun set Clare had to talk to someone about this and the only pair of available ears were on a raccoon peeking through the beachside foliage. In all fairness to Clare, she was talking to a Bachelor producer and the camera but they edited the segment to look like she'd gone outside her species to find someone to listen to her. Very funny.
Sarah Herron got a date card and asked Marcus to go swimming at an underground cave-like pool. It was a super cool date but Sarah wore a one-piece swim suit and acted sweet and that does not get you a rose on this show.
At my house we shouted at her to find Marquel. Marcus kissed her tenderly and then when the date finished, he went looking for Lacey, who looked totally different in a high neck dress and less makeup. Didn't matter, she'd already mesmerized two men.
Michelle Money walked in as a surprise guest, with a date card, apologizing for crashing the party which was nice of her especially because she was the villain on her season, telling her Bachelor (Brad, I think) to send the other girls home, in a dominatrix sort of way. She chose Marquel to go horseback riding. He'd never even touched a horse before and handled the whole thing like a champion in his highly accessorized way. They smashed a coconut on the beach after and drank the milk but I did not see any chemistry between them even though they walked arm in arm on the beach for the cameras.
Back at the cabana, Elise was canoodling with Dylan which physically looked like a perfect match, AshLee was doing damage control with Graham, especially seeing he and Michelle Money were a thing last year, and both Michelle Kujawa and Ben Scott were doing nothing to find true love. Or were they? You might remember Michelle from 4 years ago when she awkwardly obsessed over Jake, cried about wanting to leave the show and begged him to kiss her even though her face was covered in snot.
Yea, that's her. More on what was keeping Michelle busy next week but first let's remember Ben. He brought his son on the show when he arrived to greet Desiree. Turned out he was kind of smarmy so he's probably on the show to do damage control on his image too.
Like musical chairs, people were pairing up but no one was desperate enough to pretend to like Ben. Chris Harrison had informed the group that the men would give out roses and anyone without a rose would go home. With the arrival of Michelle M. that meant two girls were catching the next flight back to the border.
The rose ceremony was tense with Sarah pretty sure Marcus would pick her seeing Robert was going to ask Lacey and she appeared to be favoring him. The wildcard was Ben's rose. But first, Michelle K had an announcement. She hadn't found anyone to hook up with and was leaving the show. In a ridiculous moment Chris Harrison said "but it's only the first week," like she had plenty more time to find a partner. No. She was done and probably realized her acerbic ways and pale skin just did not fit in. Off she went.
Roses were handed out, some randomly and Daniella was the one to leave this week which was just as well. Unless they stood side by side I kept getting her mixed up with Elise.
Next week is high drama as Chris Harrison goes to Michelle K's hotel room and someone hairy ends up with broken feet. Can't wait!

Kim Hornsby is the author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, a bestselling suspense novel on Amazon, as well as the tongue-in-cheek Bachelor takeoff THE HUSBAND HUNT. She lives in Seattle with her hubby, kids and dogs where she avoids housework by pretending she's a serious blogger.