The Black Widow Gets Blackmailed on Bachelor in Paradise!

I'm going to make this quick. I'm a novelist and need to get back to writing this week. Damn that BIP and how it distracts me from my work. Anyone else feel the same way?

Monday's show started with Tenley and Carly doing a synchro swimming routine on a bunk. The black box had to be dusted off from when Jillian left the show, but this gave me an idea of how bored these people get when there isn't a scheduled date, group gathering or Chris Harrison sighting.


Ashley I. thought she'd find a sympathetic friend in Joe who still doesn't accept Sam doesn't want him. But no. She started to cry and Joe turned off like a switch had been thrown. He doesn't do tears.

The date card went to Mikey who asked Juelia to join him and they took off for Guadelajara for the Mexican Theatrical Wrestling matches (Nacho Libre), holding hands and kissing.

Tanner is the voice of reason, usually telling the camera what we are all thinking. He did this in Kaitlyn's season too. Love his comments! Carly's too! #giveCarlyherownshow

Joe spends the day bouncing between moping, getting Sam back, and blackmailing her with those incriminating texts she sent him saying "do what you can to stay in Paradise until I get there." Apparently they called each other sweetie the night before he went on the show. Poor Joe. (can't believe I said that!) He's a mess and even said he saw them as Bonnie & Clyde.
Kirk calls the drama Textgate and Samantha back paddles like a whitewater raft in grade 4 water when she hears that Joe has the phone and is prepared to expose her. "I still have feelings for you" she says her brain not thinking fast enough to get herself out of Textgate.
Carly and Kirk go fishing at sunset, something they both love to do and apparently a right of passage for Carly. If Kirk takes a girl fishing, it's serious. Cute!
Meanwhile in Guadalajara, Mikey and Juelia get the fantasy suite card and go the hotel to talk all night. We actually see Mikey in a new light with her. He seems sweet and almost like he could be a good boyfriend, not a muscleman chump.
There's a beach bonfire back at the BIP site and Ashley is giving Joe relationship advice like we are now in an alternate universe where this thirteen year old in a Kardashian body knows what she's doing.??? Joe blows the tip and Sam ignores him like he's invisible. Anyone else reminded of that movie Black Widow at this point?
When new guy, Justin walks in, Joe sees the writing on the wall. He's going to make a play for Sam like the bad friend to Joe he'll turn out to be.
He does, and Sam agrees to go on a date with him. Why does everyone think Sam is so gorgeous? She has stunning eyes and lovely long hair, I'll give her that but I think Clare had it all over Sam. (Miss Clare!) And Sam can't conversate to save her life. Sam's pheromones must be off the chart good. New guy Justin tells her she's a good conversator, like it's an actual word!!!!! #UrbanDictionary (The word is converse, like the shoes, different emphasis.)
Joe goes Kentucky Crazy, as Ashley says on camera. Pretty sure she didn't make that one up.
Carly reminds us on camera that for someone who professes to not like drama, Sam is the Dram Queen."She's creating the drama!" she says. And she's right. I'm wondering if she also texted Justin before he arrived on the show. Looks very suspicious, if you ask me, the way he zero'ed in on Sam. Can't wait for the trail.
The final credit clip shows Juelia and Mikey on the conversating bed with him saying he doesn't like rain, bugs, cold weather, sand, mess, salt water and who knows what else. RED FLAG for poor Juelia.
And if it turns out that Samantha is playing all these guys like a Stradivarius, that was the meanest trick a so-called friend could pull on someone in Bachelor In Paradise. Shame on that witch. I mean Samantha.

After Paradise was tolerable tonight. The guest stars they have on the show, celebrity super-fans, are usually competing for airtime and annoying and tonight was no different. But she was funny in the first half. Jenny Mollen was a better co-host, it was nice to have Dan interviewed, and when Joe came out, a hush fell over the studio audience. He's a mess. And he now has Dan's haircut. Exactly! Joe is stuck in villainville on social media and pitifully tried to say he's been disgusted by his behavior on the show. His family is very upset with him. Of course they showed clips of his worst moments, took a live poll on who believes Joe and he lost. When Juelia came out to join the group, he apologized for everything but underneath his words he was saying "I'm sorry that being mean to you got me in this mess" and judging from what everyone said, Joe is going to be ready for therapy after the smoke clears.
Mean Trick: In a spot meant to reveal the next Bachelor we arrived back from commercial to see CH sitting with Nick V. What? My heart sank and I planned out my Monday Winter nights to involve a new hobby like knitting. Then Ben H came out and it was all a cruel joke. Ben is the new BACHELOR. Hurray! January/February Mondays are a go!

See you next week.
Spoiler Alert: Keep Reading below my name if you're interested who is still a couple...

Kim Hornsby is the author THE HUSBAND HUNT, a novella series that is modeled after The Bachelor TV reality show. She writes under the pen name Kiki Abbott for contemporary romance novellas. As Kim, she's a National Bestselling author of Romantic Suspense and loves to dish about the Bachelor on her blog. If you like this site, hit JOIN THIS SITE on the right sidebar to be notified of a new blog!

Dating or not?
Tanner and Jade - Yes (maybe even engaged)
Carly and Kirk - No (he is still getting over a 2 year relationship, turns out)
Dan and Anyone - Yes (Carly)
Tenley and Anyone - No (She and Ben H have been texting but had to cut it off)
Juelia and Mikey - What do you think?
Joe and himself - Yes
Ashley I or S - Nope

Samantha Out-Villains Joe!

Okay, now I'm feeling a tiny bit bad for Joe. Just one
smithereen. Mostly I'm feeling happy like at the end of a movie and the bad guy falls into a pit of burning acid. Or in this case, the bad guy gets outbadded by the evil woman who used him to serve herself.




Last night on Bachelor In Paradise we watched a diabolical plan unfold. It seems the lovely Samantha has been garnering allies and men friends for months all in the name of surviving on BIP to the end. With Joe in her bikini back pocket, she received his rose and then proceeded to dump him. The best line of the night was by Joe who sensed the breakup and said "If the tables were reversed, I'd still be by her side." I wonder if he thought of Juelia and how he double-crossed her only two days earlier.
But first, the rose ceremony:
The couples are Jade and Tanner, Carly and Kirk, Tenley and Joshua, maybe Jared and Ashley I, and that is it for now.
That meant that there were two men and five women and the roses were in the men's hands! Ben had broken up with Ashley S and dated Amber, who he liked and JJ had been on a date with Megan but felt like Juelia deserved the rose. Tenley told him this.
What stuck in my craw about this rose ceremony was the way everyone insisted these men give Juelia the rose but no one wanted to forfeit their own rose. Ben likes Amber. Why should he give up on that? JJ wanted to see what would happen with Megan. Why pressure him to give Juelia the rose? My blood pressure rose to watch everyone with a rose tell the camera that Juelia deserved the rose. Then give her yours!
This rose ceremony was unusual. JJ left, saying he wanted to give a girl back home another chance if she'd have him, but not before giving AShley S his rose. I believe he knew that Chris H was going to save Juelia by bringing back Mikey, who hadn't left the country yet, obviously. Not sure about Juelia and Mikey but it was SUPER FUN to see them walk back into the fold!
Ashley I. got her rose from Jared who thinks she's the sweetest girl here (by now he's seen her dissing all the girls in the first episode!) but doesn't have romantic feelings for her. He's still getting over Kaitlyn which is a normal response to going on this show weeks after breaking up with a girl he hoped to marry. Sheesh!

When Joe threw himself a birthday party in a private party room, complete with a cake covered in chocolate cherries from Jorge's bar that said Happy Birthday Joe, Samantha took that opportunity to break up with him. She tried to turn the tables by saying he brought so much drama to the table. If you think Samantha might be a nice person, please take a moment to slap your own face.
She's scheming. I only half-smiled at the breakup because I felt kind of badly for the birthday boy. All that day Joe had shown the most pitiful side of himself--one in which he's a heartbroken idiot, a weakling being played by Samantha. Joe isn't a master mind after all. He's like the canary that sings when the criminals get arrested. Earlier, he'd felt a titch confident because his true love, Samantha, had turned down a date with the new guy, Nick. Joe took that as a good sign. But Nick was quick to tell everyone she'd been texting talking to him for months and said she'd go on a date with him when he showed up. But she stuck with Joe that day. Why? I have to think that her diabolical plan was to wait for the next man to arrive, see if he was someone she'd texted and liked better.
Now we want Samantha to crumble like a Jenga tower in a hurricane. Get her feelings hurt. Did anyone else hear Juelia say that Samantha had gone on vacations with her between Chris's season and BIP? And then she treats her like this? What is wrong with that woman?

Another highlight of this wonderful episode was Ashley and Nick getting so drunk they could hardly talk. It all started when their date was re-routed from a boat trip to a private island to massages at a hotel (Hurrican Carlos coming in) and then hot tubbing and drinking (What is "Beyond Carking Carry"? This is something Ashley said after about 8 shots of tequila. Those two didn't know when to stop drinking!)

Don't forget the other highlights...Jade and Tanner having an overnight date and declaring their love for each other, Ashley I. basing her love for Jared on his bone structure, and Joe using the word "conversate". Oh, and JJ left the show valiantly in a hero-type flourish to say he was off to continue a relationship with a girl he was dating before BIP. (His twitter account tells us he did not end up with the girl. "BIP takes its toll" he said. At least he dug himself out of that rut where he slapped himself across the face after Vill'ing.)

Shout Out goes to the production team, the editors who did a great job capturing Samantha's awkward face when Nick showed up, and to the set decorators! As always--FANTASTIC JOB!

More tomorrow! Can't wait. We'll be conversating then!

Joe Thinks he Makes Jon his Bitch on Bachelor in Paradise

Who else wakes up Sunday morning, has a cup of coffee, stumbles to feed the dog and then it hits them--BIP is on Tonight!!!!! I'm ashamed to say that with all the blessings in my wonderful, rich life this realization makes the day better. And don't even get me started on how I feel Monday.

I haven't blogged regularly for BIP because it's summer and I have kids, including one I launched to college last weekend, so that would be a big ole shame if I took time out of helping him move on to adulthood to blog about a bunch of horny twenty-somethings looking for "Love" on a Mexico beach.
He's gone, the other teen is still sleeping, the dogs are fed and here we go...

BACHELOR IN PARADISE was shot on a beach north of Puerto Vallarta, an area I found love 24 years ago. As a matter of fact my hubby and I had a very romantic date just to the right of that sweeping shot of the resort and the surf. It's a gorgeous location but the surf seems to be too strong for any private nookie in the water this year. (Good thing Courtney isn't on the show from Ben Flajnik's season!) BIP contestants linger in the safety of the beach edge, talking but that doesn't stop everyone from wearing bikini's 24/7.

Except Tenley who got all doodied up while everyone else was in the pool and then sat poolside so the men could see her. And it worked. She has more than she can handle now.

Here's my one line run down of everyone on the show:















Tenley: Asked for attention and now has it- Three men courting her- Mikey, JJ, New guy
Tanner: Coupled with Jade and loving it
Jade: Coupled with Tanner and loving it. What's with the muu muu dresses?
Clare: Jared date, might be too old for him. She's funny on camera this year with silly voices.
Mikey: Maybe should have gone on Jersey Shore instead
Ben: Couple up with Ashley S, looks like Hugh Jackman
Ashley S: Finally appearing normal, even with her wide eyes. Stuck up for Juelia on camera.
Juelia: had Joe date, he thinks she's dumb, she must be seething watching this. Jon might b better choice
Ashley I: Go home already! Stop crying. Grow up








Lauren: Went home because she thinks she's a "mistress" to a guy who has a g/f. What a producer flop

Jared: Playing it cool, took Clare on bungee jump date. Not over Kaitlyn. Might be a good Bachelor???
JJ: Hanging around Tenley, still saying dumb stuff
Joe: Waiting for Samantha, playing the game, drinks too much, made Jon his bitch.
Jonathan: still buzzing around Juelia, embarrassed by Joe in a rotten moment
Carly: Funny on camera. 'lil spitfire, coupled with Kirk
Kirk: Seems like a stand up guy, coupled with Carly.

Joe is the bad guy this week, belittling people all in the name of a free Mexican vacation. Oh and Joe probably is motivated by free booze. He makes Jon apologize for saying something that only Joe knows was true, and brags about having Jon in his pocket like some villain in a super hero movie. And Jonathan is a single dad for crying out loud!!! So Joe has singlehandedly made a mockery out of the two single parents. Well done Sleaze Ball. And next week it looks like he makes Jon cry and threatens JJ. Sunday should be interesting. I'm hoping Joe gets bit in his jumbly bits by one of those crabs.


On a happy note, the girls all seem to be getting along nicely, except maybe Ashley I who acts like an eleven year old and thinks Clare is "Old!" out of jealous spite.
What do you think, Readers?

Bachelor in Paradise- Who Couples Up First?

Really, Men? Just because you all know that Jade took her clothes off for Playboy and did nude videos, do you really have to drool on her and ignore all the other girls who will eventually take their clothes off for you if you are their loving boyfriend? If you're waiting for the Wild Mustang to emerge, that may never happen. Put your lasso ropes down.

Last night on Bachelor in Paradise we were treated to ladies in heels on the beach, Chris Harrison drinking from a coconut, tears from a sister combo, and an alpha male who didn't understand you don't need to declare this if you are indeed the alpha male. How to alienate the guys! Mikey was laughable by offering to get the other men pumped up by the time they leave  Mikey, you have a long way down when you fall off your self-imposed pedestal.
Hey, wait. I have a question. Why allow sisters? Why let Ashley I bring her non-alumni sister, because we know you BIP producers had to approve this addition? Twice the CRA CRA isn't better TV in this case. Or watchable. We don't like Ashley I that much, and we don't like her "slutty" sister Lauren who thinks anyone over the age of 25 is "old!" and trash talks everyone's physical appearance. I hope those two get voted off ASAP because I already graduated high school and don't want to go back. They are a package deal apparently, and Lauren wants to go home the first night which is good news to me.
Carly, one of my favorites on Chris Soules' season, sets her sights on Kirk, another favorite of mine, and they hit it off immediately. This is the entertainment we want. Not twenty minutes of crying. Carly and Kirk's first kiss and Kirk telling the guys he likes her because she's really cute and really funny makes us feel good. Ahhhhhh!


Below is JJ, Ashley S. and Jared.

Let's list the people on BIP with my initial take on each one, shall we?

Tenley - Just broke up with Kipton after 5 years, too overdressed and overly made up for the beach.
Carly - Funny, cute, candid on the camera
Jillian - Has her own black box on her butt constantly, friend of the sisters
Kirk - Nice guy, hoping he used lots of sunscreen
Ashley I - Thinks she's Jasmine from Aladdin, brought her younger sister
Lauren - Sister to Lauren, immature and unhappy
Jade - Love that she's not wearing makeup or doing her hair
Mikey - Alpha Male who zero'ed in on Lauren but she thinks he's a meathead
JJ - Pink pants, initially annoying, not popular
Jared - In demand, getting over Kaitlyn but went on first date with Ashley I dirt biking
Ben - Don't remember him but he looks super nice!!!
Tanner - Happy go lucky but insecure for a handsome man, went on dinner date with Jade
Juelia - Mom of three year old, widow, seems sweet and ready for love
Jonathan - TMI about having had sisters before!! Settle down Jonathan.
Ashley S - Likes the caged parrots, commandeers one for her shoulder. Might actually be weird.

After we watched the mini "wedding" of Marcus and Lacey (who else thinks they were already married before they strolled down the beach to their wedding?) the drinking began and BIP was off to a good start. Lauren, the sister, got weepy about either wanting to go home, or that she led Mikey on and now can't get rid of him. The sky over the turbulent ocean gets dark and the beach bonfire is lit even though it's probably 100 degrees on that Sayulita beach in May. Lightning flashes on the horizon. It's a beautiful scene and the set decorators and lighting designers do a fabulous job!!!
Jared moves in on Jade in a gentlemanly fashion and Ashley, who likes Jared in a Princess Jasmine way cry/laughs about how all the guys she ever likes go with someone else. Hmmm? I can't imagine why but I'll tweet you my answer when I figure it out, Ashely I. Carly and Kirk giggle and laugh and kiss and snuggle. Cute.
The next morning it looks like Ashley S slept with a parrot. They are caught kissing at breakfast and Dan seems to like birds. Or likes Ashley who relates much better to creatures than people when in a tough social situation.
Ashley I who wakes up puffy and sweaty to the horror of her sister gets the date card and after consulting with her superficial sis on her high school crush and how to ask Jared out, she does. It looks like they have a good time dirt biking and drinking champagne on a beach. Running into the surf, they are about ten feet apart to have their separate swims and this is never a good thing on BIP.
Then the BIP producers try to stir the pot by giving Jade the date card because they know her favorite guy is already on a date with Ashley I. She chooses Tanner and they go out to dinner and talk, kiss a bit, and go swimming in a river in their underwear. (FYI My hubby lived in the Sayulita area for years and knew exactly where the couple went swimming and said that river is not very clean.) At home, I'm happy for Tanner to get some lip action and hugging in because he was ignored on Kaitlyn's season.
Back at the BIP Palapa Mansion, Ashley S leaves quietly in an ambulancia without the parrot, so my guess is one of those bird kisses went too far and he crunched down on her lip. Parrots have rock hard beaks. Or bird flu. Then Dan runs through the jungle and hops into the ambulance in his swim trunks, asking if she's ok. She looks like Montezuma's Revenge has set in.
But what is this? Another person coming down the path to join the crew? It's none other than Claire Crowley looking for love the third time. She was a semi-finalist for Juan Pablo, in BIP last year, and is back with a date card in hand and a smile on her face for her third kick at the cat.
Who will she pick, seeing she hasn't even met everyone yet? This is where we leave things for tonight's episode. Can't wait...

Brief Update:
I'm going to catch up with this blog this week. Watching twice a week is so fun! Tanner and Jade, Carly and Kirk, Ashley S and Ben, Ashley I and her tears...

Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of The Dream Jumper Series, a cross between Inception and Castle.

Bachelor In Paradise Cast Reveal!

It's official! This year's partial Cast Reveal for BACHELOR IN PARADISE is out! In a few months, we'll watch a Lunatic, Virgin, Body Builder, Singer, and a Wild Mustang compete for men on a beach, presumably in Mexico.

Here's what we know:

The Women

Ashley Salter, Chris Soules’s season/Crazy Talker










Jade Roper, Chris Soules’s season/ WILD MUSTANG/NAUGHTY PHOTOS

 Clare Crowley, Juan Pablo Galavis’s season/Last Year's BIP

Tenley Molzahn, Jake Pavelka’s season/ SWEETHEART

 Carly Waddell, Chris Soules’s season/CRUISE SHIP SINGER

 Jillian Anderson, Chris Soules’s season/BODYBUILDER










Ashley Iaconetti, Chris Soules’s season/VIRGIN (?)

Juelia Kinney, Chris Soules’s season/WIDOW

Plus one Mystery Woman


The Men (so far)

Dan Cox, Desiree Hartsock’s season








Kirk DeWindt, Ali Fedotowsky’s season







Mikey Tenerelli, Desiree Hartsock’s season









Plus at least 4 Men from Kailyn's Season

Bachelor in Paradise will kick off on Sunday, August 2 at 8 PM on ABC. Set your Calendars!

Bachelor in Paradise Finale--Breakups & Startups

Bachelor in Paradise is over. All the playa fun has come to a crashing halt, people are back home (have been for months) and relationships that began on the show are done. Or are they?
If you haven't skipped ahead and have avoided all the news articles about who's still together, last night's finale might have had some great surprises.
We pick up where we left off last week. Chris Harrison has just announced to the cast that if they don't see forever in their relationships, break up now. "Don't try and fool me," he warns, like couples are going to risk whatever is coming next just to get one past ole Chris.

The genders split up and go to separate palapas, the men ending up in #97 to talk it out, the women in the papaya palapa on the playa.
Did I miss the part where they were told to stay with their gender, not couple up to talk it out? Ashlee's expression darkens but not as dark as the blush she's used on her chest area to make cleavage. #makeupmalfunction In Ashlee's mind, she's happy with Graham. Things are all roses and unicorns in her happy world but Graham feels otherwise, especially after his BFF Michelle Money orders him to break up with Ash, like Graham doesn't have his own brain.

He trusts Double M and cuts AshLee loose, which actually was kind of sad. She gets immediately into the exit vehicle, not stopping to get her suitcase full of cute headbands and fringe vests. Graham gets hugs from his Bro contingent, packs and goes. Jackie doesn't know Zack well enough to sign a contract saying she's going to stay with this guy until she dies and they break up, Christy and Tasos too. The traffic from Tulum to the airport thickens with BIP alumni. I have to think they are all going to spend the night at the same hotel and talk in the bar anyhow, don't you? Maybe not AshLee. She looked blindsided and instead of her happy face and bitch face, she now has a new facial expression--very sad. I felt badly for her and almost forgot what mad face looks like. Oh yea.


Sarah and Robert are still together, holding tight and happy, but Michelle, who loves drama and face time on camera, is filled with emotion and worry that Cody is or is not THE one. She phones her nine year old for love advice. Surprisingly, the kid sounds more mature than Double M and gives her some solid hints at how to tell if he's for you.

Back at the orange couch in the palapa papaya on the playa, Chris H tells these last three couples what he thinks of their coupling combinations. I squirmed to hear him say he was thrilled about Sarah and Robert and surprised by Cody and Michelle and touched by Marcus and Lacy. (I guess no one remembers Lacy dropping Marcus for Robert two weeks earlier.) I think Chris H fancies himself a relationship expert.
I pictured the Bachelor Producers in a secret room watching 27 cameras and analyzing the relationships.
The next step was date cards for overnight dates in fantasy suites but Michelle isn't sure. She's a mom! She can't rush into anything.
When she decides to go with Cody for the whole night, without cameras, she asks Cody "You know you're not getting laid tonight, right?" She doesn't want to give her heart away easily but doesn't mind saying some funny/crass stuff on TV. Go Double M! He grins like she's the cutest thing he's ever seen. These two might just be a good combo after all. He gets her. That Double M--she's a huckleberry.
One couple goes to Dreams Resort, one to ZenSerenity and Michelle and Cody head off to a private suite somewhere to presumably talk all night.
In the morning, the three couples meet up back on the couch but Robert and Sarah have had a strange night with him sleeping in his jeans, avoiding her on the far side of the big bed. To see Lacy and Marcus look like they've just cemented the deal and then Cody and Michelle walk in like he's the best lover she's ever had, Sarah wonders what's wrong with her. If Michelle hadn't grandstanded about her new boyfriend and how his muscles match what he's got down below, Sarah and Robert might have weathered the storm. BUT, Sarah pulls Robert aside to say she felt unloved, without flat-out asking him why he refused her advancement to take off those jeans. Girl, you guys are used to sleeping in clothes, you have to spell it out for him. He's a nice guy. Maybe he was scared.
If she'd just asked him why. If he'd just told her the truth. If those two could communicate like people in their twenties instead of tweenagers, they might have made it but they couldn't. Robert was very hurt and seemed to not know what Sarah was saying. He left saying he gave it his best shot.

Personally, I thought a relationship counsellor could've come in to help them at this point, and that would've been fun to watch. But no. Sarah left crying her eyes out, and now they are going to run into each other everywhere, seeing they live within two minutes of each other back home.

Speaking of counsellors, Chris brings in some surprise guests with advice on how to transition from the Bachelor set to real life--Des and Chris, Sean and Catherine and Molly and Jason.
The couples talk to Michody and Marcy (see what I did there? This is called shipping -- relationshipping), and give them some words of wisdom.

The final rose ceremony has Marcus getting down on one knee, pulling out a Neil Lane box and proposing to Lacy. We knew they were engaged, right. So this wasn't a big surprise. What was a surprise was that Neil Lane had time to fly in. Cody accepts Michelle's final rose like there was any doubt and all five couples walk off into the sunset beach laughing and talking like they are off camera, leave Chris in his Miami Vice suit to clean up the wreckage of Bachelor in Paradise.

But wait. There's bloopers and those cute little what are they all doing now moments. With tongue planted firmly in cheek the BIP producers show the raccoon who still wants to get on TV, Robert, who still sleeps in his jeans, Kalon wearing a I Love Juan Pablo T-shirt, Sarah is trying to get over her broken heart, Graham is healing, AshLee is trying to mend her image seeing 10 million people think she's a ding dong, Cody is training the next Bachelor, Chris Soules, and I'm thinking they'll all see each other at the next alumni fundraiser or cruise. See this one in Toronto last weekend?

Bloopers involve lots of bug shots, Double M singing, and me wondering for the last time why this franchise doesn't turn Michelle's life into a reality show. Did you know she is an actress with movie credits? She has a movie in post production now. Not leads but speaking parts. And she had movie credits before her first Bachelor appearance in 2011. She even did the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition a few years ago.
Now that she has Cody, there is more to watch besides doing makeup, hair and choosing costumes to wear as she take advice from a nine-year old child. AND, if Cody works out, she will never do another Bachelor show again. Someone is gonna get this girl on TV and it might as well be you guys.
Come on, Chris Harrison. I know you read this blog. Do it!






Kim Hornsby is a bestselling novelist of Suspense Fiction. She also pens 2 hour reads that resemble watching a season of The Bachelor. The first one The Husband Hunt--Jaxie's Mistake is free on Amazon if you want to try one. Come on. You know you want to. Just one.

Bachelor in Paradise -Two Men go Home

The Labor Day installment of Bachelor in Paradise opens with Sarah telling the camera that Jackie and Christy drink a lot. Duh. They happen to be the two females not exactly spoken for after the last rose ceremony. The way you tell if you are spoken for is if your man threatens to kill the new guy if he asks you on a date.
More on that in a minute. So until these two get a man, they are either free to drink a lot or are drowning their sorrows in alcohol. Until further notice, they are the party girls.
Michelle then tells the cameras that Cody went from 0 to 60 mph in love and she is just not there yet. He's not her type. Girlfriend, to get to Cody's level of adoration you kind of have to be sixteen years old and in love with a supermodel. Michelle isn't buying what Cody is selling but she might be interested if he just camps on her porch for awhile and waits for her to decide she needs what he's selling.

The first date card goes to Marcus and Lacy, and again Sarah zings one off by saying "they'll probably get married and have tan babies." Their date involves a hole in the ground at Dos Ojos and a ladder. At the bottom of the ladder are stalaglights, I mean stalagments, or is it stalegtites? Doesn't matter, Lacy is impressed by those big things hanging from the ceiling of this cave. But wait, there are bats and she hates those things. Marcus will protect her but first he's going to shine the light right at them to stir them up.
Once through an underground lake probably filled with bat guano, the lovebirds have a margarita on a couch and Lacy says the L word. No, she's not a lesbian, she LOVES him! The wildlife in the jungle rejoices, flocks of birds take to the skies in celebration.

At the Casa, Michelle is taking love advice from Jesse which makes her just as stupid as stalaglight girl, or more. Where was everyone else, or is Jesse the only one who hasn't seen you cry about love? Sheesh. As she wonders how to handle the muscular man, Cody lifts boulders on the beach.
Brooks Forrester arrives with a date card and Sarah is really confused because she actually came to BIP hoping he'd be there. She's crushing. Oh no!
Robert senses something in the air and tells Brooks that he'll kill him if he asks Sarah on the date and the threat works. Of course we don't take Robert seriously because he has that Liam Hemsworth look and also because next says "She's my baby," in a funny voice. He wouldn't kill Brooks, would he?
Brooks asks Jackie instead, who dresses like a Greek goddess and they head off to dinner in town at the Casa Banana. If Cody is a manly brute, then Brooks is the opposite. Brooks is a fashionable dandy. But Jackie likes his fancy ways. I think Brooks might be a model, or if not, he sure has a lot of modely photos online. (See the denim outfit)

Sidebar: Guys love Jackie, cute little girl-next-door type who doesn't kiss on the first date but plays foosball like she has a lot of brothers. Zack, who came to BIP hoping Jackie might be there, is jealous of Brooks and goes to the beach to think when the daters arrive back at the Casa. Sarah, who flirts with Brooks takes Robert aside to find out what his intentions are and is tickled that he wants to date her when this is all over. Phew!
Michelle wears eight strands of pearls, full makeup and her sour face to a beach bonfire on bean bag chairs, as Cody tries to explain his enthusiasm for her. Boiled down--Cody: "I'm just me." Michelle: "I adore you."

The Bachelor censors work overtime bleeping a conversation with Christy and Michelle who reveals that Lucy and Jesse had ____ in the limo and she ____ him and he ____her.
Christy concludes that Jesse is a misogynistic pig or something like that and thinks of going home until sweet Tasos arrives and asks her on a date to a conservation area.
They float down a river with turtles to a picnic on a dock where he tries hard to not kiss her because she talks about being screwed over.
 Meanwhile, Jesse is back at the Casa calling Tasos "Taco" and generally shooting off his mouth and bragging like he's going for the A-hole award.
The next date card goes to Zack who AshLee feels is the wrong choice. What is up with this girl who seems to have an evil plan behind everything she does? She is in tears about Graham not getting a date, maybe because she knows her days are numbered with the guy she stalks on Instagram. We still haven't seen who ends up in handcuffs but her wrists are slim.
On the date, Zack and Jackie descend into the Gran Cenote Cave where they swim and kiss and try to develop a "romantical relationship". Yesterday a Bachelor Intern tweeted that he torturously dragged a bed through the cave but Zack and Jackie use it. They have a meaningful talk (along with a margarita,) in which Zack says he wasted his time with Clare. Zing. Right through the heart, Clare. Ouch. She shoulda gone out with Cody when he begged. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Maybe Clare will be on Dancing with the Stars, like she said. I feel bad for her.
The next night it's storming during the Rose Ceremony the palm trees blowing inside out, the rain coming down sideways. At the rose room, the Sleazeball (Jesse) is name calling and being a class A dick, saying he needs the dumb blonde's vote or he'll go home.
I kind of wished one of the men would deck him until I saw what the women did in a wonderful show of solidarity and girl power. Taking Jesse down on camera is far worse than a punch to the jaw because the whole nation now knows Jesse Kovac's true character. When Sleazeball realizes that Christy knows about he and Lucy ____ in the limo and realizes no matter how he spins the conversation with the dumb blonde, he won't get a rose, he quits the show. But not before Christy, Michelle and Lacy confront him in the exit limo and get in their two cents about what kind of man he is. I was hoping for a really scathing speech but instead we got bits and pieces of three women telling him what he did was wrong. Poor Christy wanted so much to redeem herself and still, her parting words were "have a nice flight." Even if it was said sarcastically, she should have said something that had to be bleeped.
Driving away, Jesse mused that his inbox would be full of invitations to parties from Bachelor Alumni. I guess that's what matters--those emails. It was good to see the back of him.
At the rose ceremony, Christy gave Tasos her rose and Zack got the rose from Jackie after giving her a wish bracelet and saying "I'm into u." Brooks drove away after 30 hours on the show and Chris B. Harrison moved in to make an announcement. That was the final rose ceremony and there will be no more date cards, and it's all about to get really intense.
The previews show a lot of crying, not just from Michelle this time, and shocked expressions. Will the couples that exist weather the storm of what is to come? Fun and games are over. What do you think will happen? I say they will put the relationships to the test and maybe even bring in Neil Lane!

See you next week, Bachelor Nation.

Kim Hornsby is a serious suspense author in the Seattle area, where she lunches with celebrities and has her assistant keep the pool at 90 degrees.