Joe Thinks he Makes Jon his Bitch on Bachelor in Paradise

Who else wakes up Sunday morning, has a cup of coffee, stumbles to feed the dog and then it hits them--BIP is on Tonight!!!!! I'm ashamed to say that with all the blessings in my wonderful, rich life this realization makes the day better. And don't even get me started on how I feel Monday.

I haven't blogged regularly for BIP because it's summer and I have kids, including one I launched to college last weekend, so that would be a big ole shame if I took time out of helping him move on to adulthood to blog about a bunch of horny twenty-somethings looking for "Love" on a Mexico beach.
He's gone, the other teen is still sleeping, the dogs are fed and here we go...

BACHELOR IN PARADISE was shot on a beach north of Puerto Vallarta, an area I found love 24 years ago. As a matter of fact my hubby and I had a very romantic date just to the right of that sweeping shot of the resort and the surf. It's a gorgeous location but the surf seems to be too strong for any private nookie in the water this year. (Good thing Courtney isn't on the show from Ben Flajnik's season!) BIP contestants linger in the safety of the beach edge, talking but that doesn't stop everyone from wearing bikini's 24/7.

Except Tenley who got all doodied up while everyone else was in the pool and then sat poolside so the men could see her. And it worked. She has more than she can handle now.

Here's my one line run down of everyone on the show:















Tenley: Asked for attention and now has it- Three men courting her- Mikey, JJ, New guy
Tanner: Coupled with Jade and loving it
Jade: Coupled with Tanner and loving it. What's with the muu muu dresses?
Clare: Jared date, might be too old for him. She's funny on camera this year with silly voices.
Mikey: Maybe should have gone on Jersey Shore instead
Ben: Couple up with Ashley S, looks like Hugh Jackman
Ashley S: Finally appearing normal, even with her wide eyes. Stuck up for Juelia on camera.
Juelia: had Joe date, he thinks she's dumb, she must be seething watching this. Jon might b better choice
Ashley I: Go home already! Stop crying. Grow up








Lauren: Went home because she thinks she's a "mistress" to a guy who has a g/f. What a producer flop

Jared: Playing it cool, took Clare on bungee jump date. Not over Kaitlyn. Might be a good Bachelor???
JJ: Hanging around Tenley, still saying dumb stuff
Joe: Waiting for Samantha, playing the game, drinks too much, made Jon his bitch.
Jonathan: still buzzing around Juelia, embarrassed by Joe in a rotten moment
Carly: Funny on camera. 'lil spitfire, coupled with Kirk
Kirk: Seems like a stand up guy, coupled with Carly.

Joe is the bad guy this week, belittling people all in the name of a free Mexican vacation. Oh and Joe probably is motivated by free booze. He makes Jon apologize for saying something that only Joe knows was true, and brags about having Jon in his pocket like some villain in a super hero movie. And Jonathan is a single dad for crying out loud!!! So Joe has singlehandedly made a mockery out of the two single parents. Well done Sleaze Ball. And next week it looks like he makes Jon cry and threatens JJ. Sunday should be interesting. I'm hoping Joe gets bit in his jumbly bits by one of those crabs.


On a happy note, the girls all seem to be getting along nicely, except maybe Ashley I who acts like an eleven year old and thinks Clare is "Old!" out of jealous spite.
What do you think, Readers?

Bachelor in Paradise- Who Couples Up First?

Really, Men? Just because you all know that Jade took her clothes off for Playboy and did nude videos, do you really have to drool on her and ignore all the other girls who will eventually take their clothes off for you if you are their loving boyfriend? If you're waiting for the Wild Mustang to emerge, that may never happen. Put your lasso ropes down.

Last night on Bachelor in Paradise we were treated to ladies in heels on the beach, Chris Harrison drinking from a coconut, tears from a sister combo, and an alpha male who didn't understand you don't need to declare this if you are indeed the alpha male. How to alienate the guys! Mikey was laughable by offering to get the other men pumped up by the time they leave  Mikey, you have a long way down when you fall off your self-imposed pedestal.
Hey, wait. I have a question. Why allow sisters? Why let Ashley I bring her non-alumni sister, because we know you BIP producers had to approve this addition? Twice the CRA CRA isn't better TV in this case. Or watchable. We don't like Ashley I that much, and we don't like her "slutty" sister Lauren who thinks anyone over the age of 25 is "old!" and trash talks everyone's physical appearance. I hope those two get voted off ASAP because I already graduated high school and don't want to go back. They are a package deal apparently, and Lauren wants to go home the first night which is good news to me.
Carly, one of my favorites on Chris Soules' season, sets her sights on Kirk, another favorite of mine, and they hit it off immediately. This is the entertainment we want. Not twenty minutes of crying. Carly and Kirk's first kiss and Kirk telling the guys he likes her because she's really cute and really funny makes us feel good. Ahhhhhh!


Below is JJ, Ashley S. and Jared.

Let's list the people on BIP with my initial take on each one, shall we?

Tenley - Just broke up with Kipton after 5 years, too overdressed and overly made up for the beach.
Carly - Funny, cute, candid on the camera
Jillian - Has her own black box on her butt constantly, friend of the sisters
Kirk - Nice guy, hoping he used lots of sunscreen
Ashley I - Thinks she's Jasmine from Aladdin, brought her younger sister
Lauren - Sister to Lauren, immature and unhappy
Jade - Love that she's not wearing makeup or doing her hair
Mikey - Alpha Male who zero'ed in on Lauren but she thinks he's a meathead
JJ - Pink pants, initially annoying, not popular
Jared - In demand, getting over Kaitlyn but went on first date with Ashley I dirt biking
Ben - Don't remember him but he looks super nice!!!
Tanner - Happy go lucky but insecure for a handsome man, went on dinner date with Jade
Juelia - Mom of three year old, widow, seems sweet and ready for love
Jonathan - TMI about having had sisters before!! Settle down Jonathan.
Ashley S - Likes the caged parrots, commandeers one for her shoulder. Might actually be weird.

After we watched the mini "wedding" of Marcus and Lacey (who else thinks they were already married before they strolled down the beach to their wedding?) the drinking began and BIP was off to a good start. Lauren, the sister, got weepy about either wanting to go home, or that she led Mikey on and now can't get rid of him. The sky over the turbulent ocean gets dark and the beach bonfire is lit even though it's probably 100 degrees on that Sayulita beach in May. Lightning flashes on the horizon. It's a beautiful scene and the set decorators and lighting designers do a fabulous job!!!
Jared moves in on Jade in a gentlemanly fashion and Ashley, who likes Jared in a Princess Jasmine way cry/laughs about how all the guys she ever likes go with someone else. Hmmm? I can't imagine why but I'll tweet you my answer when I figure it out, Ashely I. Carly and Kirk giggle and laugh and kiss and snuggle. Cute.
The next morning it looks like Ashley S slept with a parrot. They are caught kissing at breakfast and Dan seems to like birds. Or likes Ashley who relates much better to creatures than people when in a tough social situation.
Ashley I who wakes up puffy and sweaty to the horror of her sister gets the date card and after consulting with her superficial sis on her high school crush and how to ask Jared out, she does. It looks like they have a good time dirt biking and drinking champagne on a beach. Running into the surf, they are about ten feet apart to have their separate swims and this is never a good thing on BIP.
Then the BIP producers try to stir the pot by giving Jade the date card because they know her favorite guy is already on a date with Ashley I. She chooses Tanner and they go out to dinner and talk, kiss a bit, and go swimming in a river in their underwear. (FYI My hubby lived in the Sayulita area for years and knew exactly where the couple went swimming and said that river is not very clean.) At home, I'm happy for Tanner to get some lip action and hugging in because he was ignored on Kaitlyn's season.
Back at the BIP Palapa Mansion, Ashley S leaves quietly in an ambulancia without the parrot, so my guess is one of those bird kisses went too far and he crunched down on her lip. Parrots have rock hard beaks. Or bird flu. Then Dan runs through the jungle and hops into the ambulance in his swim trunks, asking if she's ok. She looks like Montezuma's Revenge has set in.
But what is this? Another person coming down the path to join the crew? It's none other than Claire Crowley looking for love the third time. She was a semi-finalist for Juan Pablo, in BIP last year, and is back with a date card in hand and a smile on her face for her third kick at the cat.
Who will she pick, seeing she hasn't even met everyone yet? This is where we leave things for tonight's episode. Can't wait...

Brief Update:
I'm going to catch up with this blog this week. Watching twice a week is so fun! Tanner and Jade, Carly and Kirk, Ashley S and Ben, Ashley I and her tears...

Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of The Dream Jumper Series, a cross between Inception and Castle.