Tuesday, August 25, 2015

The Black Widow Gets Blackmailed on Bachelor in Paradise!

I'm going to make this quick. I'm a novelist and need to get back to writing this week. Damn that BIP and how it distracts me from my work. Anyone else feel the same way?

Monday's show started with Tenley and Carly doing a synchro swimming routine on a bunk. The black box had to be dusted off from when Jillian left the show, but this gave me an idea of how bored these people get when there isn't a scheduled date, group gathering or Chris Harrison sighting.

Ashley I. thought she'd find a sympathetic friend in Joe who still doesn't accept Sam doesn't want him. But no. She started to cry and Joe turned off like a switch had been thrown. He doesn't do tears.

The date card went to Mikey who asked Juelia to join him and they took off for Guadelajara for the Mexican Theatrical Wrestling matches (Nacho Libre), holding hands and kissing.

Tanner is the voice of reason, usually telling the camera what we are all thinking. He did this in Kaitlyn's season too. Love his comments! Carly's too! #giveCarlyherownshow

Joe spends the day bouncing between moping, getting Sam back, and blackmailing her with those incriminating texts she sent him saying "do what you can to stay in Paradise until I get there." Apparently they called each other sweetie the night before he went on the show. Poor Joe. (can't believe I said that!) He's a mess and even said he saw them as Bonnie & Clyde.
Kirk calls the drama Textgate and Samantha back paddles like a whitewater raft in grade 4 water when she hears that Joe has the phone and is prepared to expose her. "I still have feelings for you" she says her brain not thinking fast enough to get herself out of Textgate.
Carly and Kirk go fishing at sunset, something they both love to do and apparently a right of passage for Carly. If Kirk takes a girl fishing, it's serious. Cute!
Meanwhile in Guadalajara, Mikey and Juelia get the fantasy suite card and go the hotel to talk all night. We actually see Mikey in a new light with her. He seems sweet and almost like he could be a good boyfriend, not a muscleman chump.
There's a beach bonfire back at the BIP site and Ashley is giving Joe relationship advice like we are now in an alternate universe where this thirteen year old in a Kardashian body knows what she's doing.??? Joe blows the tip and Sam ignores him like he's invisible. Anyone else reminded of that movie Black Widow at this point?
When new guy, Justin walks in, Joe sees the writing on the wall. He's going to make a play for Sam like the bad friend to Joe he'll turn out to be.
He does, and Sam agrees to go on a date with him. Why does everyone think Sam is so gorgeous? She has stunning eyes and lovely long hair, I'll give her that but I think Clare had it all over Sam. (Miss Clare!) And Sam can't conversate to save her life. Sam's pheromones must be off the chart good. New guy Justin tells her she's a good conversator, like it's an actual word!!!!! #UrbanDictionary (The word is converse, like the shoes, different emphasis.)
Joe goes Kentucky Crazy, as Ashley says on camera. Pretty sure she didn't make that one up.
Carly reminds us on camera that for someone who professes to not like drama, Sam is the Dram Queen."She's creating the drama!" she says. And she's right. I'm wondering if she also texted Justin before he arrived on the show. Looks very suspicious, if you ask me, the way he zero'ed in on Sam. Can't wait for the trail.
The final credit clip shows Juelia and Mikey on the conversating bed with him saying he doesn't like rain, bugs, cold weather, sand, mess, salt water and who knows what else. RED FLAG for poor Juelia.
And if it turns out that Samantha is playing all these guys like a Stradivarius, that was the meanest trick a so-called friend could pull on someone in Bachelor In Paradise. Shame on that witch. I mean Samantha.

After Paradise was tolerable tonight. The guest stars they have on the show, celebrity super-fans, are usually competing for airtime and annoying and tonight was no different. But she was funny in the first half. Jenny Mollen was a better co-host, it was nice to have Dan interviewed, and when Joe came out, a hush fell over the studio audience. He's a mess. And he now has Dan's haircut. Exactly! Joe is stuck in villainville on social media and pitifully tried to say he's been disgusted by his behavior on the show. His family is very upset with him. Of course they showed clips of his worst moments, took a live poll on who believes Joe and he lost. When Juelia came out to join the group, he apologized for everything but underneath his words he was saying "I'm sorry that being mean to you got me in this mess" and judging from what everyone said, Joe is going to be ready for therapy after the smoke clears.
Mean Trick: In a spot meant to reveal the next Bachelor we arrived back from commercial to see CH sitting with Nick V. What? My heart sank and I planned out my Monday Winter nights to involve a new hobby like knitting. Then Ben H came out and it was all a cruel joke. Ben is the new BACHELOR. Hurray! January/February Mondays are a go!
See you next week.
Spoiler Alert: Keep Reading below my name if you're interested who is still a couple...

Kim Hornsby is the author THE HUSBAND HUNT, a novella series that is modeled after The Bachelor TV reality show. She writes under the pen name Kiki Abbott for contemporary romance novellas. As Kim, she's a National Bestselling author of Romantic Suspense and loves to dish about the Bachelor on her blog. If you like this site, hit JOIN THIS SITE on the right sidebar to be notified of a new blog!

Dating or not?
Tanner and Jade - Yes (maybe even engaged)
Carly and Kirk - No (he is still getting over a 2 year relationship, turns out)
Dan and Anyone - Yes (Carly)
Tenley and Anyone - No (She and Ben H have been texting but had to cut it off)
Juelia and Mikey - What do you think?
Joe and himself - Yes
Ashley I or S - Nope

Monday, August 24, 2015

Samantha Out-Villains Joe!

Okay, now I'm feeling a tiny bit bad for Joe. Just one
smithereen. Mostly I'm feeling happy like at the end of a movie and the bad guy falls into a pit of burning acid. Or in this case, the bad guy gets outbadded by the evil woman who used him to serve herself.

Last night on Bachelor In Paradise we watched a diabolical plan unfold. It seems the lovely Samantha has been garnering allies and men friends for months all in the name of surviving on BIP to the end. With Joe in her bikini back pocket, she received his rose and then proceeded to dump him. The best line of the night was by Joe who sensed the breakup and said "If the tables were reversed, I'd still be by her side." I wonder if he thought of Juelia and how he double-crossed her only two days earlier.
But first, the rose ceremony:
The couples are Jade and Tanner, Carly and Kirk, Tenley and Joshua, maybe Jared and Ashley I, and that is it for now.
That meant that there were two men and five women and the roses were in the men's hands! Ben had broken up with Ashley S and dated Amber, who he liked and JJ had been on a date with Megan but felt like Juelia deserved the rose. Tenley told him this.
What stuck in my craw about this rose ceremony was the way everyone insisted these men give Juelia the rose but no one wanted to forfeit their own rose. Ben likes Amber. Why should he give up on that? JJ wanted to see what would happen with Megan. Why pressure him to give Juelia the rose? My blood pressure rose to watch everyone with a rose tell the camera that Juelia deserved the rose. Then give her yours!
This rose ceremony was unusual. JJ left, saying he wanted to give a girl back home another chance if she'd have him, but not before giving AShley S his rose. I believe he knew that Chris H was going to save Juelia by bringing back Mikey, who hadn't left the country yet, obviously. Not sure about Juelia and Mikey but it was SUPER FUN to see them walk back into the fold!
Ashley I. got her rose from Jared who thinks she's the sweetest girl here (by now he's seen her dissing all the girls in the first episode!) but doesn't have romantic feelings for her. He's still getting over Kaitlyn which is a normal response to going on this show weeks after breaking up with a girl he hoped to marry. Sheesh!

When Joe threw himself a birthday party in a private party room, complete with a cake covered in chocolate cherries from Jorge's bar that said Happy Birthday Joe, Samantha took that opportunity to break up with him. She tried to turn the tables by saying he brought so much drama to the table. If you think Samantha might be a nice person, please take a moment to slap your own face.
She's scheming. I only half-smiled at the breakup because I felt kind of badly for the birthday boy. All that day Joe had shown the most pitiful side of himself--one in which he's a heartbroken idiot, a weakling being played by Samantha. Joe isn't a master mind after all. He's like the canary that sings when the criminals get arrested. Earlier, he'd felt a titch confident because his true love, Samantha, had turned down a date with the new guy, Nick. Joe took that as a good sign. But Nick was quick to tell everyone she'd been texting talking to him for months and said she'd go on a date with him when he showed up. But she stuck with Joe that day. Why? I have to think that her diabolical plan was to wait for the next man to arrive, see if he was someone she'd texted and liked better.
Now we want Samantha to crumble like a Jenga tower in a hurricane. Get her feelings hurt. Did anyone else hear Juelia say that Samantha had gone on vacations with her between Chris's season and BIP? And then she treats her like this? What is wrong with that woman?

Another highlight of this wonderful episode was Ashley and Nick getting so drunk they could hardly talk. It all started when their date was re-routed from a boat trip to a private island to massages at a hotel (Hurrican Carlos coming in) and then hot tubbing and drinking (What is "Beyond Carking Carry"? This is something Ashley said after about 8 shots of tequila. Those two didn't know when to stop drinking!)
Don't forget the other highlights...Jade and Tanner having an overnight date and declaring their love for each other, Ashley I. basing her love for Jared on his bone structure, and Joe using the word "conversate". Oh, and JJ left the show valiantly in a hero-type flourish to say he was off to continue a relationship with a girl he was dating before BIP. (His twitter account tells us he did not end up with the girl. "BIP takes its toll" he said. At least he dug himself out of that rut where he slapped himself across the face after Vill'ing.)

Shout Out goes to the production team, the editors who did a great job capturing Samantha's awkward face when Nick showed up, and to the set decorators! As always--FANTASTIC JOB!

More tomorrow! Can't wait. We'll be conversating then!

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Joe Thinks he Makes Jon his Bitch on Bachelor in Paradise

Who else wakes up Sunday morning, has a cup of coffee, stumbles to feed the dog and then it hits them--BIP is on Tonight!!!!! I'm ashamed to say that with all the blessings in my wonderful, rich life this realization makes the day better. And don't even get me started on how I feel Monday.

I haven't blogged regularly for BIP because it's summer and I have kids, including one I launched to college last weekend, so that would be a big ole shame if I took time out of helping him move on to adulthood to blog about a bunch of horny twenty-somethings looking for "Love" on a Mexico beach.
He's gone, the other teen is still sleeping, the dogs are fed and here we go...

BACHELOR IN PARADISE was shot on a beach north of Puerto Vallarta, an area I found love 24 years ago. As a matter of fact my hubby and I had a very romantic date just to the right of that sweeping shot of the resort and the surf. It's a gorgeous location but the surf seems to be too strong for any private nookie in the water this year. (Good thing Courtney isn't on the show from Ben Flajnik's season!) BIP contestants linger in the safety of the beach edge, talking but that doesn't stop everyone from wearing bikini's 24/7.
Here's my one line run down of everyone on the show:

Tenley: Asked for attention and now has it- Three men courting her- Mikey, JJ, New guy
Tanner: Coupled with Jade and loving it
Jade: Coupled with Tanner and loving it. What's with the muu muu dresses?
Clare: Jared date, might be too old for him. She's funny on camera this year with silly voices.
Mikey: Maybe should have gone on Jersey Shore instead
Ben: Couple up with Ashley S, looks like Hugh Jackman
Ashley S: Finally appearing normal, even with her wide eyes. Stuck up for Juelia on camera.
Juelia: had Joe date, he thinks she's dumb, she must be seething watching this. Jon might b better choice
Ashley I: Go home already! Stop crying. Grow up

Lauren: Went home because she thinks she's a "mistress" to a guy who has a g/f. What a producer flop

Jared: Playing it cool, took Clare on bungee jump date. Not over Kaitlyn. Might be a good Bachelor???
JJ: Hanging around Tenley, still saying dumb stuff
Joe: Waiting for Samantha, playing the game, drinks too much, made Jon his bitch.
Jonathan: still buzzing around Juelia, embarrassed by Joe in a rotten moment
Carly: Funny on camera. 'lil spitfire, coupled with Kirk
Kirk: Seems like a stand up guy, coupled with Carly.

Joe is the bad guy this week, belittling people all in the name of a free Mexican vacation. Oh and Joe probably is motivated by free booze. He makes Jon apologize for saying something that only Joe knows was true, and brags about having Jon in his pocket like some villain in a super hero movie. And Jonathan is a single dad for crying out loud!!! So Joe has singlehandedly made a mockery out of the two single parents. Well done Sleaze Ball. And next week it looks like he makes Jon cry and threatens JJ. Sunday should be interesting. I'm hoping Joe gets bit in his jumbly bits by one of those crabs.

On a happy note, the girls all seem to be getting along nicely, except maybe Ashley I who acts like an eleven year old and thinks Clare is "Old!" out of jealous spite.
What do you think, Readers?

Monday, August 3, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise- Who Couples Up First?

Bachelor in Paradise tv show photoReally, Men? Just because you all know that Jade took her clothes off for Playboy and did nude videos, do you really have to drool on her and ignore all the other girls who will eventually take their clothes off for you if you are their loving boyfriend? If you're waiting for the Wild Mustang to emerge, that may never happen. Put your lasso ropes down.

Last night on Bachelor in Paradise we were treated to ladies in heels on the beach, Chris Harrison drinking from a coconut, tears from a sister combo, and an alpha male who didn't understand you don't need to declare this if you are indeed the alpha male. How to alienate the guys! Mikey was laughable by offering to get the other men pumped up by the time they leave  Mikey, you have a long way down when you fall off your self-imposed pedestal.
Hey, wait. I have a question. Why allow sisters? Why let Ashley I bring her non-alumni sister, because we know you BIP producers had to approve this addition? Twice the CRA CRA isn't better TV in this case. Or watchable. We don't like Ashley I that much, and we don't like her "slutty" sister Lauren who thinks anyone over the age of 25 is "old!" and trash talks everyone's physical appearance. I hope those two get voted off ASAP because I already graduated high school and don't want to go back. They are a package deal apparently, and Lauren wants to go home the first night which is good news to me.
Carly WaddellCarly, one of my favorites on Chris Soules' season, sets her sights on Kirk, another favorite of mine, and they hit it off immediately. This is the entertainment we want. Not twenty minutes of crying. Carly and Kirk's first kiss and Kirk telling the guys he likes her because she's really cute and really funny makes us feel good. Ahhhhhh!

Below is JJ, Ashley S. and Jared.

Let's list the people on BIP with my initial take on each one, shall we?

Tenley - Just broke up with Kipton after 5 years, too overdressed and overly made up for the beach.
Carly - Funny, cute, candid on the camera
Jillian - Has her own black box on her butt constantly, friend of the sisters
Kirk - Nice guy, hoping he used lots of sunscreen
Ashley I - Thinks she's Jasmine from Aladdin, brought her younger sister
Lauren - Sister to Lauren, immature and unhappy
Jade - Love that she's not wearing makeup or doing her hair
Mikey - Alpha Male who zero'ed in on Lauren but she thinks he's a meathead
JJ - Pink pants, initially annoying, not popular
Jared - In demand, getting over Kaitlyn but went on first date with Ashley I dirt biking
Ben - Don't remember him but he looks super nice!!!
Tanner - Happy go lucky but insecure for a handsome man, went on dinner date with Jade
Juelia - Mom of three year old, widow, seems sweet and ready for love
Jonathan - TMI about having had sisters before!! Settle down Jonathan.
Ashley S - Likes the caged parrots, commandeers one for her shoulder. Might actually be weird.

After we watched the mini "wedding" of Marcus and Lacey (who else thinks they were already married before they strolled down the beach to their wedding?) the drinking began and BIP was off to a good start. Lauren, the sister, got weepy about either wanting to go home, or that she led Mikey on and now can't get rid of him. The sky over the turbulent ocean gets dark and the beach bonfire is lit even though it's probably 100 degrees on that Sayulita beach in May. Lightning flashes on the horizon. It's a beautiful scene and the set decorators and lighting designers do a fabulous job!!!
Jared moves in on Jade in a gentlemanly fashion and Ashley, who likes Jared in a Princess Jasmine way cry/laughs about how all the guys she ever likes go with someone else. Hmmm? I can't imagine why but I'll tweet you my answer when I figure it out, Ashely I. Carly and Kirk giggle and laugh and kiss and snuggle. Cute.
The next morning it looks like Ashley S slept with a parrot. They are caught kissing at breakfast and Dan seems to like birds. Or likes Ashley who relates much better to creatures than people when in a tough social situation.
Ashley I who wakes up puffy and sweaty to the horror of her sister gets the date card and after consulting with her superficial sis on her high school crush and how to ask Jared out, she does. It looks like they have a good time dirt biking and drinking champagne on a beach. Running into the surf, they are about ten feet apart to have their separate swims and this is never a good thing on BIP.
Tanner TolbertThen the BIP producers try to stir the pot by giving Jade the date card because they know her favorite guy is already on a date with Ashley I. She chooses Tanner and they go out to dinner and talk, kiss a bit, and go swimming in a river in their underwear. (FYI My hubby lived in the Sayulita area for years and knew exactly where the couple went swimming and said that river is not very clean.) At home, I'm happy for Tanner to get some lip action and hugging in because he was ignored on Kaitlyn's season.
Back at the BIP Palapa Mansion, Ashley S leaves quietly in an ambulancia without the parrot, so my guess is one of those bird kisses went too far and he crunched down on her lip. Parrots have rock hard beaks. Or bird flu. Then Dan runs through the jungle and hops into the ambulance in his swim trunks, asking if she's ok. She looks like Montezuma's Revenge has set in.
But what is this? Another person coming down the path to join the crew? It's none other than Claire Crowley looking for love the third time. She was a semi-finalist for Juan Pablo, in BIP last year, and is back with a date card in hand and a smile on her face for her third kick at the cat.
Who will she pick, seeing she hasn't even met everyone yet? This is where we leave things for tonight's episode. Can't wait...

Brief Update:
I'm going to catch up with this blog this week. Watching twice a week is so fun! Tanner and Jade, Carly and Kirk, Ashley S and Ben, Ashley I and her tears...

Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of The Dream Jumper Series, a cross between Inception and Castle.