Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Virginity Optional on The Bachelor this week

Last night on The Bachelor, or Prince Farming, as it's being called, Chris and the remaining three ladies flew to Bali. If you're not familiar with the Indonesian island, it's very southwest of Hawaii, in the South Pacific, and is one of the most romantic places in the world. Just watch that old movie South Pacific and see how hard it is for Mitzi Gaynor to wash that man right out of her hair.
It's Gorgeous with a capital Tropical. Who wouldn't love Bali after Iowa?

First up is Chris's date with Kaitlyn who has calmed down so much since the first night when she used the F bomb in her initial greeting, that we are wondering what's happened. The two lovebirds walk through the town talking to the locals, smiling, laughing, drinking Corona-type beer in plain sight (it really is paradise!) and end up at a monkey sanctuary where you can purchase bananas and let the flea bitten, nasty monkeys walk all over your head and pee on your $150 Tommy Bahama shirt. Fun! I've been around loads of monkeys in my life (don't ask) and they can be really mean if they don't get their banana. Chris was lucky they liked his banana.
Next the kooky twosome have a candlelit dinner that no one ever eats because they are just too excited/scared witless to get that fantasy suite invitation. It's always there. Under the plate. We can see it.
Who wants to eat the big meal and risk feeling bloated and full? After Kaitlyn reads the card they agree that they deserve this. I was reminded of Kaitlyn's use of the metaphor plough my field on that first night. Rose petals obliterate the bath water in the suite and blinds are lowered in anticipation of the famous adage "If you haven't had a Canadian girl, you've never lived."
Okay, I made up that last part but I think I remember hearing something like that in my single days.

Next it's Whitney's turn for a date with Chris. They edited this portion of the show very cleverly. Did anyone else notice that Whitney appeared to talk non-stop as they schoonered their way to a swimming spot?
She explains her sister's hesitation in welcoming Chris to the family, does some damage control, and then they get on with the kissing and swimming.
At dinner that night in an ill-fitting lime-colored maxi dress, Whitney continues talking about her career and how she's ready to drop it, get married, be a wife, get pregnant. She says dramatically that she's thought a lot about the fantasy suite and . . . (Imagine this next line in that chipmunk voice of hers) "It would be great!"
Off those two go to the fantasy suite, choosing to forego their separate rooms for one heart-shaped bed. If you're not sure about the premise of the show, privacy is a four-lettered word to the producers and it's non-existence is deliberate. These contestants get followed everywhere, are miked all the time, except sleeping and in the bathroom, and have no private moments with Chris. If one of the girls wanted to warn Chris that she's really a werewolf, this would be the time to tell him without the rest of America knowing.
Speaking of the paranormal, the next date is with Becca, the virgin. She's wearing black in anticipation of either losing her virginity or the black moment when she tells Chris that she's never been physically intimate with anyone before. What we know that she doesn't is that he hasn't said these next words to anyone else. "I missed you." These two giggle together a lot. But can they mess up the sheets? First, they walk around at a park, then head off to the village medium and ask the enlightened one for advice. Remember that this is the place where the Love part in Eat, Pray, Love happened. I have to think that these Indonesians can be pretty amorous so it's no surprise that the advice is to get busy in the bedroom. Actually the medium says they should make love (probably paid by Bachelor producers) and Becca kind of rolls her eyes and says "perfect" a joke that the boyfriend sitting beside her does not get. At home, we are snickering.
After only looking at their dinner, they head to the fantasy suite where she hopes to tell him that she's a virgin. She does. After Chris ponders this for two seconds he lets out a heavy sigh like here we go again. His recovery is good though, saying that he respects her virginity. Pretty sure when they closed the door of the fantasy suite that night, there was some heavy talking going on, making me think of the expression fly on the wall.
From what Becca said earlier, it seemed like she wasn't necessarily waiting for marriage, just the right person. But she is afraid of the temptation that will thicken the air inside that fantasy suite.We later hear that when Becca left the next morning, things were tense. Maybe there was some begging going on. Or she slept on the couch, or he was too much of a gentleman. Or not enough of a gentleman.
That day, Chris had some thinking time while the camera rolled. He was filmed pondering at his pool, then talking with Chris H who had no words of advice, whatsoever. However, I noticed that one Chris doesn't do well in the Bali humidity and one Chris does.

At the rose ceremony, all three girls are beautifully dressed in traditional Balinese costumes and look colorful and gorgeous as they wait for Chris to arrive in his karate suit. Chris Harrison warns Chris that there is to be no kissing in the sacred temple area. In other words, don't decide to take Becca's virginity now, don't plough Kaitlyn's field or inseminate Whitney. Chris has told CH that one lady is a shoe in and he's really torn between the other two. He asks to speak to Becca and she says she regrets how she left things that morning. hmmmm? I'm going to bypass the obvious joke here but fill it in yourselves. Kaitlyn and Whitney are hoping Chris will come back Becca-less but no, they are holding hands. Oh, oh. If I were Kaitlyn I would've asked for a moment with Chris right then and taken him behind one of those statues and broken a rule or two to secure my spot.
But she didn't and Kaitlyn was eliminated shortly after, unable to look in Chris's eyes. She gets in the exitmobile and like a good Canadian and rule follower, fastens her seatbelt. She has a few tears as she wonders what the heck happened. Us too! And now we hear that Chris Soules himself thinks Kaitlyn would be a great Bachelorette. Chris H agrees but also thinks Britt (who doesn't shower and goes to bed in her makeup) would be a good one too. So guess what's happening on twitter these days? #Kaitlyn4Bachelorette. There's a big campaign.

Next week is Girls Tell All and I'm absolutely giddy with excitement to think we might hear what's up with Ashley S, the gibberish talking, zombie fighting wanderer. I vote for 'ludes but maybe it was all an act. I think Sean Lowe (who has a relationship book on the New York Times bestseller list this week) said he thought it looked like Qualudes. I wonder how that Christian boy would know what that looks like. Or me, for that matter.
In two weeks, one girl will go home broken hearted. But then, they all go home broken hearted except one and it gets harder to recover the longer you stay. Thing is I don't foresee either Whitney or Becca making a great Bachelorette. #Kaitlyn4Bachelorette

Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, an award-winning novel set in Hawaii that asks the question, what happened the day he never returned home?
She also writes a whimsical series The Husband Hunt, much like The Bachelor. Free on Amazon.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Arlington Isn't THAT bad & Hurried Hometowns on The Bachelor

Tonight's installment of The Bachelor Event picked up where it left off the night before.

We assumed Becca was left out of all the wacky the fun in Des Moines, not having a date, but no. She gets one on one time with Chris, in a fantasy-style date--talking at his loft. Okay. I thought, wow! this man keeps a cool loft in the big city for when he takes play time from the farm but no. It was just his hotel room for the show. Silly me. Anyways, Becca and Chris talk, watch the sunset on the roof and that's just about it.
The next day, as girls wake in the purple-carpeted hotel room, Carly is still feeling nasty and when Britt sits down in full makeup (and then some), Carly vibes out the non-showering contestant with bad ju-ju.
That night at the Rollins Mansion, the girls find out there won't be a rose ceremony and instead of having a fake panic attack, Britt asks to speak to Chris. This gives Chris enough time to call Britt's bluff and explain that he didn't appreciate her reaction to him giving Kaitlyn the rose last night. "I'll walk you out," he says before Britt even has time to bat her eyelashes in response. What? She's going? Wham Bam! The limo hasn't even arrived yet and he leaves her in the driveway, crying. She sobs about Carly ratting her out. Later she'll realize that she really wouldn't do well in Arlington.
In defense of Arlington, I want to mention that yes, there is very little going on in that town but if you head north to Fayette, there's a pub, or south to Strawberry Point, you'll find Casey's General Store and a coffee shop. They don't show you all this, but Arlington is not exactly the boonies. Cedar Rapids is only an hour away and that's a BIG city (for Iowa). Someone could be a dance instructor, fertility nurse or maybe even a chiropractic assistant in that town and commute home every night to a husband in Arlington. Moving on.
Chris heads back to the rose ceremony where another girl has to go home. No more reprieves. Carly is that girl, which seems fitting because she's been a little mean.
I wonder if Britt and Carly will meet at the airport and have a cat fight at the gate?


Shreveport Louisiana is the home of Becca where one can go canoeing in the bayou for gators while banjo music plays in the background. This is the fun part of the day because when Chris gets to Becca's family home, he is bombarded by the news that Becca is a bit of a cold fish. Even holding hands is weird for her. You'd think her sis and mom would be thrilled to see Becca interested in a man but no. They're afraid for her and warn Chris, almost revealing the big secret.
Apparently Becca's brother-in-law is a former NFL star and they are in his house where he shows Chris the trophies and man cave NFL shrine, so Chris man crushes on the guy but that part of the visit is never shown.
It's Becca's birthday, another fact that is never revealed, and Chris takes her on the Ferris wheel at the State Fair, while Becca refrains from telling Chris about her inexperience in the boudoir.

On to Chicago next and it's go to work day with Whitney who tells him they are going to make a baby. Pregnancy scare! Chris is given a porn mag and a cup and told to do his manly thing. Not sure if he did, but he got to experience how much Whitney loves making babies for people. And if this is a test, Chris is pretty sure that his soldiers are marching.
Then on to meeting Uncle Johnny, Grandmama, and sister Kimberley. The latter tries to ruin everything for her little sis by giving The Bachelor the once over, the cold shoulder and then the evil eye. Whitney tearfully asks Kimberley to not ruin this for her. Not all Kimberley's are extremely friendly and overflowingly nice, I guess. Whitney's doggie, on the other hand, loves loves loves and proves it on the floor when she humps her toy monkey in front of Chris.

Kaitlyn's family winters in Arizona from Alberta, Canada so off Chris goes to Phoenix to meet the big Canuck clan. First he has to visit a recording studio to rap with Kaitlyn--her way of getting back at Chris for drinking warm goat milk maybe. After embarrassing himself with a terrible rap, he meets the parents and stepparents and everyone loves him, in true Canadian style, talking around a fire pit on the patio.
Note: If Kaitlyn is from Alberta, she is probably the most well suited gal to live in Arlington. Trust me, I am married to an Albertan. One who is from six hours north of Leduc, Alberta, (Kaitlyn's hometown.) They know about driving long distances for a cup of coffee. She surprises him with a billboard that says Kaitlyn <3 Chris outside, which is super sweet.

Gering, Nebraska is rainy when Chris reunites with Jade and heads immediately to her family home. At this point, Chris hasn't guessed Jade's secret and she's afraid that one of her family members will tell him about her naked spread in Playboy but apparently not afraid enough to tell him herself. The family includes the father, his wife, Jade's mom and two brothers. I'm so impressed that The Bachelor can convince all these divorced parents to be amicable in the same room on these hometowns. Only thing is that the family eludes to Jade's wild side and her taller brother calls her a "wild mustang" which is a red flag for Chris, the farm boy, not an aphrodisiac.
What Jade's shown him is shy and meek. They head to someone's ugly motel room for the truth talk. I'm sure the internet lit up after the great reveal with searches for Jade Elizabeth nude photos. After she said the words Playboy and photos, Jade almost seemed proud, asking Chris if he wanted to see them. Another red flag. Although Chris insists that he has a past (and I happen to know it includes speeding through downtown Arlington and driving on that straight road near the farm with an open container of alcohol- all normal prairie activities), and that he didn't judge Jade on these photos, she did not receive the rose the next night back in Iowa. Off she went, a wild mustang, running along the mountain ridge, her mane flying, her hooves beating out the rhythm of rejection as she galloped away from the opportunity to be an Arlington wife. And then there were three.

Next week, they all head to Bali where Becca reveals she's a virgin, Kaitlyn must let down her guard. and Whitney tries to convince Chris she can have a career in Chicago and still manage to pop out babies in Arlington.

Kim Hornsby is an Amazon Bestselling Novelist and has a romance series of short stories, similar to watching a season of The Bachelor called The Husband Hunt. In one, the host of the show even gets the girl!

Monday, February 16, 2015

Popping out Babies on THE BACHELOR

And that would be a wonderful dream come true if the first hour wasn't filled with interviews and there wasn't at least another hour of commercials inside the last two hours. Once we caught up with skipping through the commercials, and caught up, it was frustrating.
Must tape the show. Must tape the show. Honestly, it's not worth it to watch 'live'.

Last night's first installment of the Bachelor Event had Chris H interviewing Kelsey, one of the most controversial contestants ever on The Bachelor. She's in awe that she was so misunderstood, and used words like "emotional and tumultuous day," "too many emotions amassing," and "as a mental health professional". The brilliant editing spliced in her most catty, weird moments to counter what she was saying in defense of herself and if you haven't seen it, those thirty seconds are worth all the commercials.

Chris Soules' interview was boring.

Andy Dorfman's interview was filled with tears and sniffing about how she and Josh just couldn't make it work. They are too similar, it seems. Chris H was hoping to hear they might reconcile but he knows about breakups as well as anyone, his own eighteen year marriage imploded 2 years ago.

That was the first hour.

The second hour began with the Deadwood Rose Ceremony. Taking Megan aside to talk, Chris looked nervous. Both parties realized that they just aren't very far down that love path and Megan left almost voluntarily, with dignity in tact, (unlike Ashley I. last week.)
The rules said another girl must go but hadn't Chris H announced there were no rules?
Pack up everyone because we are all going to... wait for it...going to...Now you could tell the girls were waiting to hear Tahiti but instead got Iowa.
Carly, the cutie, said it best when she pointed at the camera and squealed "We're goin' to Iowa!"

The Bachelor crew set up the girls at a funky old hotel in Des Moines, Iowa, 3 hours from Arlington, where Chris's farm is located. Good idea because there is no hotel in Arlington.There is no movie theater, no restaurant, no people, and no nothing except a church and a few abandoned stores and a bank. But we will see this ourselves in another twenty minutes.
 Much to Britt's jealous chagrin, Jade got the date to Arlington, "where hills and prairie meet."

Overdressed in jeans, a jacket and boots for her wander around Chris's farm and town she meets Chris at his bachelor pad. If you didn't watch, imagine a ghost town with a feed store and a locked up church. There is charm and potential in the hamlet of what used to be Arlington and I bet real estate is super cheap seeing there isn't even a Starbucks, just a coffee pot in an abandoned office that gets turned on by whoever gets there first in the morning.
Turned out everyone had gone to the high school football game so off the two lovebirds went. Jade met the parents, kissed Chris on the football field after the game, toured the high school and tried to decide if being from this town was as bad as posing for Playboy. She held off telling him seeing there were stars in his lovelorn eyes. Why burst his bubble?
The next date was with Whitney, the chipmunk-voiced nurse who is looking like the most mature of all the girls. She really, truly likes Chris, I think. Who ever knows? And she got on well with his 3 best friends who joined them for drinks after a day of taking photos of each other around Des Moines.
Meanwhile, back in the hotel room, Carly is jonesing for a road trip to Arlington. Everyone goes but Jade who's already traumatized by yesterday's outing. She stays behind to practice saying "I posed for Playboy."
Off in the truck to Arlington, Iowa! Carly is a firecracker! She is definitely not there for the right reasons but I like that girl's spunk. #Carlyforbachelorette
After a shocking day of seeing nothing in Arlington except locked doors and the town preacher who wears a COD T-shirt (thereby telling everyone what there is to do in Arlington,) the girls turn around and head back to Des Moines wondering how gratifying it would be to just pop out babies in Arlington. Wait until you actually give birth ladies. You will never use that pop out phrase again to describe the most painful moment in a woman's life.
 Back in the purple carpeted 'suite' Jade unloads her Playboy story onto Carly's shoulders and Carly delivers the best line of the night, "Oh Mom, don't bother googling my wife."
The group date leaves out Becca for some reason and off Chris goes the next day with Kaitlyn, Britt and Carly to ice skate in the big hockey arena but no one can skate! Not even Chris, for some reason!
Britt lies that she LOVED Arlington and slides in to the GF spot, Carly inserts herself into the moral conscience zone saying she must tell Chris how fake Britt is, and Kaitlyn sneaks into the forgotten zone and expresses her concern that she hasn't had alone time since the first two weeks. She gets the rose and that makes smoke come out of Britt's ears who thinks she's the front runner and doesn't want to take just anyone home to meet her Dad next week.
Thunderbolts fly from Britt's eyes and a very squirm-worthy conversation ensues about Britt not wanting to be 2nd choice or 3rd choice for Chris. After recognizing how hard this love process is, he leaves, a gesture that is quickly becoming his signature move on this show.

And that's where we leave it for tonight.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Kelsey Goes to Paris, Immeasurably Blessed, on The Bachelor!

The Bachelor began with last week's panic attack on the floor outside the ladies' room in Red Sage, Santa Fe, New Mexico (not to be confused with the actual country of Mexico). Kelsey eventually got an oxygen mask secured to her face, only to...wait for it... ask to speak with Chris, the Bachelor! Of course she did. The whole faked episode was for his benefit. As Jade stepped over Kelsey's skinny bod on the floor, Chris was sent for. Kelsey made a recovery in record time, with his help, laughed off the episode with embarrassment, and the rose ceremony began. There. She got more time with Chris. Mission accomplished.

Samantha (Who?) and MacKenzie (Single mom, afraid of aliens) went home, which was a blessing to let them go before those two actually kissed Chris and got hooked on Prince Farming. As Kelsey said before she knew she'd get the shame-filled last rose, "they wasted their time here." Nice attitude, Girl.

The group flew to Deadwood, South Dakota, which is particularly interesting to me because I'm a big fan of the Nearly Departed in Deadwood novel series by Ann Charles and have read A LOT about the town in the last year!!
Deadwood is apparently home of the Wild West in the Black Hills. A town where stripping down to get in a washtub is something you pay for.
Looks like a ton of fun and the girls checked in to a Holiday Inn that looked like an old tin mine in the side of the hill, and started drinking. Giddy Up.
The one on one date card came for Becca who is sweet, but after the theatrics of almost everyone else, she seems a tad bit boring.

But then Chris is a laid back kind of guy from a town of 200, so my hubby and I thought they might be well suited as they horse back rode their way through the brush and giggled a lot about nothing. Their campfire shish kebobs went uncooked while Chris taught Becca the art of kissing on the 4th date.
Back at the house, Whitney and Carly couldn't keep quiet about Kelsey's fake ways any more and kinda sorta told Kelsey that she's pretty much not being herself around them. Or she's not being herself around Chris. They approached the subject very carefully because, well, you know...it's Kelsey and who knows what she'll do?
Kelsey, who is a wonderful thespian, turned on the waterworks and told the girls she'll be mindful from now on. Kaitlyn squirmed on the couch like all the stink she talks on camera about Kelsey might only be fueled by alcohol and she hadn't had enough tequila to enter the conversation with her usual amount of swear words.
Kelsey's on camera interview, as always, was extremely entertaining in that she thinks very highly of herself and says she's "blessed with eloquence" and uses a lot of "big words." She believes the girls are beneath her. Besides, she came here to WIN! Ah, now we get it. She's just competitive, not crazy. Her wicked witch of the west laugh echoed off the Black Hills walls and into the night.

The group date for the next day arrived for Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan who had had too much to drink to hold up her head.

Chris took them to the downtown area of Deadwood to slip in to a fun western style restaurant and write songs with Big and Rich, a popular country music duo. Rich, or is it Big? who looks like a cross between Woody Harrelson and Ted Dansen with curly hair and a bowler hat, took Jade jogging down the main drag to summon her song-writing powers. Yup, that's how I write this blog--go running down the middle of the road yelling "I can do it!"
When Chris and the girls got on the tiny stage to sing their songs, each song was cute and highly passable except Whitney's who's struggling with a chipmunk voice anyhow.
Carly's song could go straight to itunes, no surprise, and when they ended up in the bar and everyone got one on one time, Chris hijacked Britt and they ran off to a Big and Rich concert to dance, and get up on stage to sing to Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy, a country hoe down anthem. Britt returns with the rose, hours later, looking super guilty with her new boyfriend, and the girls are pissed and humiliated, not because of the rose but for being kept waiting and wondering where the kissing twosome went. Chris high tailed it out of there, leaving Britt in the middle of the snarling pack.
The next day is the two on one date, a death sentence for one girl, customarily. It's Kardashley and Kelsey facing off. It's a game of eyelashes against cardigans, spoiled girl against sneaky girl, and we can't wait to see who survives the day. The producers have a queen-sized bed set up in the stark desert of the Badlands. Tension was high as the helicopter swooped in from Mount Rushmore and landed by the bed, the only place to sit within miles.
Chris asked first to speak to Ashley and off they went to try to find some privacy in the desert. Once she sat down, Kardashley could not wait to throw shade at Kelsey on behalf of all the girls and then skipped back to the bed. Chris then talked to Kelsey and tattletold on Ashley. Threw her way under the bus. Way way under. Does this man know nothing with 3 sisters? After hearing that the girls don't like her, I actually thought Kelsey looked surprisingly normal with Chris, but he saw through her nonsense and sent both ladies home after a lot of Kardashley tears and a dry face from Kelsey.
Note: Both these girls have Masters Degrees which is kind of making me question sending my children to college now. Anyone else doubting the advantage of education?
Chris left the Badlands bed, got in the helicopter and flew away, which is kind of how he left things in Deadwood the night before. I'm outta here. Bye bye girls. Apparently it took the girls 3 hours in two separate vans to return to Deadwood. I bet they had to help break down the bed with the Bachelor Interns too.
Meanwhile, back at the condo, the remaining girls watched the suitcases leave and poured magnums of champagne, chanting "We are immeasurably blessed," to see Kelsey's suitcase head out the door.
Next week, the rose ceremony is in Deadwood and then they jet off to another fancy location--Chris's hometown where the girls check out the mascara supplier in town and discover they might not survive in Arlington Iowa. Turns out Ashely got out just in time! Note: I think they are staying in the U.S. for this season because the culture shock from Paris to Arlington would insure that everyone goes running for the hills. Just a thought.
And now we hear that Kelsey is moving to Paris to be a writer and embrace her immeasurably blessed gift of eloquence. Oh, oh. I better move over to make room for Kelsey.

While you're waiting for next Monday, check out my book The Husband Hunt, on Amazon books, a 2-3 hour read that resembles a Bachelor season. Hey, it's free and you just might laugh out loud.

Kim Hornsby is an award-winning author who lives in the Seattle area and writes in the rainy months to stay sane for her family. If you enjoy reading her blog, feel free to click join this site on the sidebar and get notified when she posts again. No meetings, no donations, no obligation. Just words.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Carly is Zak's Sister! & Naughty Guru Tries to Seduce The Bachelor

Smelly Girl, Creepy Girl, Naughty Guru, and Big Eyes all vie for Chris Soules' hand in The Bachelor's Prince Farming this week. Carly with the big eyes, is Zak's sister from Desiree's season but more on that later.
Santa Fe, New Mexico is the spectacular setting for the show which has Megan all happy to finally be leaving the country. Somebody needs to check her map of North America and then put her passport away before she puts on a sombrero and makes a fool of herself.

The first date is with Carly, a one on one that has even me watching the TV through my fingers from embarrassment. The love guru, Tziporah, who's given name is probably Janet or Karen, visibly flirts with Chris at the beginning. Tell me this look isn't naughty.
Then she has Chris and Carly breathing each other's recycled air and feeling each other's feet and hips in an effort to bring them closer spiritually.

Man, these two were such good sports that it wasn't until the guru asked Carly to take off Chris's pants that Carly admitted her hesitation. You probably won't remember Carly from Desiree's season but she is Zak's sister who sang with her strange-eyed guitar playing bro to serenade Desiree in hometowns. Zak bought Desiree that ring in anticipation, remember?

The family is obviously known for their eyes. Carly's are HUGE, like those Big Eyes paintings.

Chris and Carly were finally released from the guru's torture and had a heart to heart talk in a lodge-style setting where they both revealed their insecurities about not being good enough. Note to Carly: Stop saying "like." Cue the romantic guitar Bachelor music aaaannnnnndddd Kiss time.
Back from commercial we saw Ashley poo-poo ing Kelsey's widowhood and although we didn't want to diss a widow, we kind of wondered about Kelsey.
The group date involved Megan, Jade, Kailyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley and Kelsey. If you don't know who Samantha is, don't worry. Neither does Chris. Megan is the girl who thinks she's in Mexico, BTW.
Against the backdrop of red cliffs and eagles flying in the early morning light, the girls headed off to the Rio Grande for some river rafting! In full makeup! And extensions! Soon enough Cisco the rafter man had them dressed in dorky lifejackets and helmets, armed with paddles and quaking in their tennis shoes with fear about going over the side of the raft. With good reason, it appeared.
Jade fell in but was pulled out by the raft guy even though Kaitlyn tried but her arms are as big around as a coke can. Once out of the boats, Chris rubbed Jade's hypothermic feet and they drank champagne to celebrate. The real drama was short-haired Kelsey who seemed to LOVE bitching to the camera and quickly revealed an "I will not be ignored" Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction - ish quality to her dating style.
As her fake laugh bounced off the Rio Grande Canyon walls for hours after they left, Kelsey developed a strategic game plan.
The group date party at the Red Sage had former contestant, drunk girl Jordan, the twerker, showing up, having driven from Colorado to ask for a second chance. Chris Harrison said he was surprised to see her, but you have to know the producers ok'ed this bold move. The girls' claws came out when they saw Jordan joining the party and Whitney argued with Ashley about not being mean to Jordan. Ashley's plan was to get all the girls to freeze out the newcomer. cough, high school, cough. There just isn't enough mascara for another girl! Then when Chris decided to say bye bye to Jordan, Ashley joined in the fake smiles and hugs to wish her happy trails.
Chris Harrison said today that this is a particularly catty group and I have to think that Ashley isn't helping.
Whitney got the rose on the date, almost like Chris knew she opposed Ashley's bully plan and then the Kim Kardashian look alike went off to her bed with her bestie to pout and talk stink.

Britt gets the next date and the card indicates they are doing something sky high which sends the once front runner into hysterics because she's terrified of heights.
And showers it appears. Britt hasn't showered since she arrived and the other girls are either envious or repulsed. I can't tell. Strange thing is that she has gorgeous hair. Bad dye job but clean looking hair!
Very very early in the morning, Chris wakes up Britt in a dorm full of bedded girls, tells Carly to shhh and kisses Britt to wake her up. Okay, nobody kisses that enthusiastically at 4:30 without brushing their teeth. I have to think that she had a heads up warning. According to the girls, Britt applies fresh makeup for sleeping but doesn't shower. Hmm.
The date involves a sunrise hot air balloon ride that Britt is so excited for, we wonder about that fear of heights when they cruise over the Rio Grande Gorge a hundred feet up and Britt is kissing and smiling. Liar liar smelly red pants on fire.
Speaking of liars, after playing What's Under the Sheets in Chris's bed, Britt heads back to the hotel room and Kelsey slips away to execute her diabolical plan to use her story to secure a rose.
This is where it gets creepy. Kelsey tells her story about being widowed by Sanderson Po (I guess he was a singer or something and she feels the need to drop his name even though he's no longer with us) and tears are plentiful. Chris consoles her and then they kiss. Or rather she tries to kiss him. Personally, I think Chris felt how inappropriate this was after her revelation and tears, and pulled back. Then she dove in for another kiss. If Chris could've seen what this widow was saying about her story to the camera, it was very Fatal Attraction. Guidance counselor be damned. This gal needs therapy. She loves her story. Her story is amazing. Kelsey said "I know this is Chris's story but it's also my story. This is the unfolding of someone who's been through something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and another relationship." Then she suggested we tune in Monday nights at 8pm to watch her amazing transformation. Huh? The producers must've been salivating at this juicy footage. What a wacko.
Dressed up and ready for her God-given rose, Kelsey appears to be the cat who ate the canary on the couch at the cocktail party. In a private interview, Ashley is jealous that Kelsey's story is so much better than hers, like that's the criteria for catching the bachelor's attention. Too bad Ashley doesn't have a dead husband. Sensing what needs to be done, Chris cancels the cocktail party and tells CH he knows who has to leave. Dude, get her outta there before your rabbit gets boiled.
But Kelsey slipped off to the ladies room where CH said she turned off her microphone then ended up on the floor outside the bathroom wailing into a now turned on microphone, having a 'panic attack' with a medic in purple gloves. Then 'To Be Continued' flashed on the screen, a new thing for The Bachelor to keep viewers in pain all week.
Personally, I don't need to wait all week to see Kelsey being helped to her feet by Chris (who she clings to desperately) and him toying with the idea of keeping her around for her own health. This is how I think it should go down:
The producers bar Kelsey from seeing The Bachelor until she regains her composure. No Chris until she's back to normal. Then she might stand up, not receive a rose and realize the timing of her story was all wrong. Then someone should give that girl an Emmy for acting, not in a reality show but in a drama!
Last but not least, is Megan donning a sobrero. Okaaay. I think some body needs to get a little sober-o before they start talking to the camera. Just sayin'.

Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, an award-winning novel set in Hawaii that asks the question, what happened the day he never returned home?
She also writes a whimsical series The Husband Hunt, much like The Bachelor. Free on Amazon.