The Farmer Picks a Wife, The Farmer Picks a Wife, Hi Ho the Derry O

The season finale of The Bachelor (Prince Farming) opened on Monday with Chris Soules visiting his family at his parent's very flat, snowy farm in Iowa. My eyeballs froze just looking at the frosty breaths of Chris and Whitney as she ran across the icy driveway to his waiting arms. Once inside the warmth, Whitney charmed everyone to the nth degree, even making Chris's dad cry during her dinner toast. Whitney is the perfect choice for this Bachelor. Forget the squeaky voice, Whitney is in love with him, will move to Iowa, is beautiful, accomplished and all in.
Chris's Mom, Linda, is a lovely, warm, interesting person with a face that says the Good Life in Iowa and tells Whitney that she "could take her and love her, just like that but it's Christopher's choice." Everyone loves everyone else and Whitney heads off in the black SUV in her plaid shirt dress, sure that she's going to be giving Linda grandchildren soon.

The Soules boys gather in the tool shop for a beer and a romance talk and nothing gets decided.
The next day, the sisters take Chris aside to ask him about Becca. Soon it becomes clear that Chris really likes Becca but she might not like him quite as much.

Skip forward ten hours and we know that Becca likes Chris but isn't all in. The family likes her and laughs a lot with her but doubts that she's ready for a proposal. And they don't even know about the BIG V situation! I wonder what they thought when they realized that Becca had never been in love or had a lover. The talk that Becca has with Chris's mother Linda, is golden. Every young girl out there should take heed. Linda says it all, so beautifully.




Here's my theory on how Becca got this far when her relationship with Chris was so tentative. I believe that weeks ago, he really liked her as much as Whitney. Then he met Becca's family, loved them, LOVED THEM! and wanted to be a part of that. Then, all of a sudden, it was the fantasy suite, she was truthful about her lack of experience, and that was not an obstacle for them. Had Becca's personality merged with Whitney's attitude, Chris wouldn't have needed to make a choice. Chris had a real connection with Becca and kudos to Whitney for breaking through that because, you know what? A long marriage is based on mutual commitment. Not doubts and distance, or initial chemistry. Chris goes to Becca's hotel room for a down and dirty talk and the next day shows Whitney his house, his farm, his combine, and it's at that moment that Chris Soules falls completely in love with Whitney.

 

With Becca gone from his heart now, you can almost see the green light in front of Chris and Whitney. It's a beautiful thing.
The proposal the next day is as nice as the release of Becca from the obligation of trying to feel love. Of course Becca is sad. Her boyfriend broke up with her. But I think she understands that Whitney is ready, in love, and the best choice for Chris. She's not being asked to leave a SoCal lifestyle, give up her guarded virginity and hurry up the process when she's not sure. Whitney is sure.
After the Final Rose with Chris Harrison and the studio audience we see Chris, three months later, talking to CH in Los Angeles about his engagement to Whitney.
Why, in God's name, does CH keep harping on Chris about Becca? "What if ..." The audience clearly feels that CH is harping because when Chris answers, they clap in relief. Chris is a gentleman. Chris Soules that is, and  as such, he is hesitant to say anything to diminish any relationship he had with any girl. Becca comes out to the stage and politely admits she wasn't ready and that's that.
After the commercial break, Becca leaves, Whitney comes out to the stage, the couple looks predictably happy, and Whitney verifies her maturity by saying she didn't watch the show. Not anyone else's dates but hers. Well done, Whitney! Then CH verifies his immaturity as a TV host and harps on the fact that Whitney should watch to see how conflicted Chris was at the end. SHUT UP Chris B. Harrison!!!
Whitney is funny, sweet, in love and Chris is lucky. The parents are "over the top" while the rest of America wishes they had in laws like these two.
Making babies-- "They will be cute," she says. "Bleep, Ya," Chris says.
Ashley S. -- Bachelor in Paradise? Still not sure. "I suppose I might be there," she says, but Chris H takes that as a yes.

Okay now, what do we think about Britt and Kaitlyn as co-Bachelorettes?  STUPID IDEA! When they say Bachelor Nation was divided, they meant that Chris H likes Britt and Mike Fleiss, the creator, likes Kaitlyn. Bachelor Nation was not split down the middle by any stretch of the imagination. Go on Twitter to see. Team Kaitlyn was WAY ahead! Britt was barely in the running. Bachelor Producer propaganda.

I feel badly for both girls. They are both very uncomfortable with this totally stupid idea, and Chris H puts them on the spot asking them how the show will go down. How are they going to do it? Hey Chris, if you don't know what's going to happen, who does? CH's interview with the sparkly twins is as stupid and redundant as I've ever seen on this show. WTF. It made me mad. The whole thing looks like mud wrestling but without the mud.

Shame on you Bachelor producers, shame on you. Bad ending to a fun season.


Kim Hornsby is a bestselling author of romantic suspense and the romantic series The Husband Hunt, modeled after The Bachelor.

I'm Superficial and Girls Bicker on The Bachelor

Last night on The Women Tell All, the eliminated Bachelor contestants on Prince Farming's season got a chance to do damage control on their public images and get some questions answered by the Bachelor himself. Or not.

This week's recap is going to be brief because let's face it, not much happened. Girls interrupted each other while arguing high school style and Chris Harrision got to plug his new book. More on that later.
First up, Chris and Chris crashed some Bachelor viewing parties around the Los Angeles area and got to drink shots and kiss middle aged mothers high on corn tequila on the mouth.

I understand it's fun to walk into a party of girls and be celebrities but I think I'm done being amused by this. Why not go to a hospital to say hello? Counteract all the silliness.

The first topic on the Tell All set that got a lot of yelling and interrupting was Britt's sincerity and Carly shooting off her mouth about that. Carly loved talking to the camera on this season. She is an entertainer by trade and loves to entertain. And Britt is a crier.

She's as sweet as she is indecisive, as she is emotional. Imagine her makeup to be an indication of her raw emotions. She still loves Chris and is adamant that she could've built a life with him in Iowa. I for one judged her readiness for farm life by the amount of makeup she wears and the fact that she sleeps in it. Showering or not, as is this case, might have worked in her favor on the farm. I voted against her but who knows. She really liked Chris.
Then Kelsey, the widow who told the cameras that she loved her story (widowhood) was in the hot seat to stick her feet farther in her mouth. Let's just say that people who need psychological help rarely know they do, or are willing to admit on national TV that they have issues. Bad guys do not lump themselves in with the bad guys of this world. Kelsey doesn't see what the girls are saying. She's totally stumped why everyone ganged up on her unless it was jealousy over her big words.She is a great apologizer, even though she clearly doesn't know why she's apologizing and qualifies each apology with a "If I...then I'm sorry."
 Had I been one of those girls on the panel last night, I would've simply said "If you did fake that panic attack to get Chris's attention, even if you can't admit it to us, can't admit it to anyone, and won't even say it out loud to yourself, but you know deep down that you did, then I urge you to seek counseling. Maybe it was a game strategy gone wrong but we don't see anyone else doing this and your behavior on the show indicates a troubled mind. Get help.
 The metaphor for Kelsey's personality was asking for a tissue (which they DO NOT allow on The Bachelor,) then asking for Chris's silk handkerchief and blowing her nose in it, chuckling flirtatiously that she wasn't going to give it back. That's Kelsey in a nutshell-- selfish and narcissistic. She made great TV! She finished her moments in the hot seat by bragging about how she challenged herself and is proud of her progress in her grieving process after she became a widow and had to undergo such horrible injustices. Juelia, whose husband committed suicide, said very little about this, to her credit.

Last night I anticipated a big reveal from Ashley S. or at least a hint at what her game was by mumbling silliness and wandering around the show like she was on Quaaludes. I was disappointed. She made about as much sense in the hot seat as she did on the show, still stringing us along, not breaking a smile, saying ridiculous things.
CH asked her outright to do Bachelor in Paradise to which she said, "It's so weird. We're all on television." That sounded like a no to me but the Bachelor producers will think of something to get that girl on the show. The dichotomy of her perfectly groomed Grace Kelly beauty against her gibberish is fascinating. She won't do Bachelor in Paradise. She's not interested in romance or being on TV enough. I think she wasn't interested in Chris and decided to have some fun to make the experience of being on the show worthwhile. This girl is a long distance runner, has a good job, is not a hair stylist at all. She's the assistant controller at Lynx Chemical Group. Anna Kendrick has asked Ashley Salter on Twitter to coach her for interviews. #nokidding #ComedicControl
Then Jade got to talk to Chris Soules about him blogging on how awkward it was to see her nude photos. He tried to explain that he felt he hadn't seen the real Jade and for that reason did not choose her. Soules is not a wordsmith.
He has a hard time expressing himself, especially in situations where he's backed into a corner. This confrontation was about as awkward for him as the photos, I'd say. Note: If Jade is so innocent and sweet, why did she wear a sexy, clingy, red, cleavage-revealing dress like a smoking hot centerfold? Cough, Wild Mustang, Cough.
Kaitlyn got to talk next and didn't ask to sit next to Chris on the stage like the others. She kept her distance, asking him how they could be so close in the fantasy suite and then get canned the next day. Chris stumbled along like a deer caught in the headlights with no clear explanation why he picked Becca instead of Kaitlyn. Personally, I think Kaitlyn needs to find herself a man who can keep up to her comedically, like Jimmy Kimel. She needs someone with Wayyyyy more personality. Did anyone else think Kaitlyn had new collagen in her lips? She looked different.

And that's where I stopped taking notes because nothing new was being said. Until the very end when Chris Harrison announced that he's written a romance novel and it will be out in May. Okay, this is a whole other blog because I'm going to be the Carly on this one and just say that it's damned difficult to write a romance novel and taking advantage of his platform as the host of a romance show doesn't mean he can write. Secretly I'm jealous that he probably has more sales than my four books and four novellas put together and his hasn't even published yet. Pass me another sour grape.

Things that made me go hmmmmm: Jordan didn't speak, Ashley I's bare to there dress turned sideways when she leaned, thereby making her boobs go off center, Kaitlyn's lips, MacKenzie's silence about aliens, Sammy getting her 2 cents in, Britt not defending Kelsey, why Sanderson Po's family hasn't sued Kelsey for overusing and defaming his name and Chris H. thinking he's the next Nicolas Sparks. Oh and my superficiality on this blog.

Over and out until next week.


Kim Hornsby is an award winning author and the Bestselling author of Romantic Suspense novels available on Amazon and writes a novella series called The Husband Hunt, that is modeled after The Bachelor. She lives in Seattle with two very bad dogs, two very lovely children, and one very funny husband.

Virginity Optional on The Bachelor this week

Last night on The Bachelor, or Prince Farming, as it's being called, Chris and the remaining three ladies flew to Bali. If you're not familiar with the Indonesian island, it's very southwest of Hawaii, in the South Pacific, and is one of the most romantic places in the world. Just watch that old movie South Pacific and see how hard it is for Mitzi Gaynor to wash that man right out of her hair.
It's Gorgeous with a capital Tropical. Who wouldn't love Bali after Iowa?

First up is Chris's date with Kaitlyn who has calmed down so much since the first night when she used the F bomb in her initial greeting, that we are wondering what's happened. The two lovebirds walk through the town talking to the locals, smiling, laughing, drinking Corona-type beer in plain sight (it really is paradise!) and end up at a monkey sanctuary where you can purchase bananas and let the flea bitten, nasty monkeys walk all over your head and pee on your $150 Tommy Bahama shirt. Fun! I've been around loads of monkeys in my life (don't ask) and they can be really mean if they don't get their banana. Chris was lucky they liked his banana.
Next the kooky twosome have a candlelit dinner that no one ever eats because they are just too excited/scared witless to get that fantasy suite invitation. It's always there. Under the plate. We can see it.

Who wants to eat the big meal and risk feeling bloated and full? After Kaitlyn reads the card they agree that they deserve this. I was reminded of Kaitlyn's use of the metaphor plough my field on that first night. Rose petals obliterate the bath water in the suite and blinds are lowered in anticipation of the famous adage "If you haven't had a Canadian girl, you've never lived."
Okay, I made up that last part but I think I remember hearing something like that in my single days.

Next it's Whitney's turn for a date with Chris. They edited this portion of the show very cleverly. Did anyone else notice that Whitney appeared to talk non-stop as they schoonered their way to a swimming spot?

She explains her sister's hesitation in welcoming Chris to the family, does some damage control, and then they get on with the kissing and swimming.
At dinner that night in an ill-fitting lime-colored maxi dress, Whitney continues talking about her career and how she's ready to drop it, get married, be a wife, get pregnant. She says dramatically that she's thought a lot about the fantasy suite and . . . (Imagine this next line in that chipmunk voice of hers) "It would be great!"
Off those two go to the fantasy suite, choosing to forego their separate rooms for one heart-shaped bed. If you're not sure about the premise of the show, privacy is a four-lettered word to the producers and it's non-existence is deliberate. These contestants get followed everywhere, are miked all the time, except sleeping and in the bathroom, and have no private moments with Chris. If one of the girls wanted to warn Chris that she's really a werewolf, this would be the time to tell him without the rest of America knowing.
Speaking of the paranormal, the next date is with Becca, the virgin. She's wearing black in anticipation of either losing her virginity or the black moment when she tells Chris that she's never been physically intimate with anyone before. What we know that she doesn't is that he hasn't said these next words to anyone else. "I missed you." These two giggle together a lot. But can they mess up the sheets? First, they walk around at a park, then head off to the village medium and ask the enlightened one for advice. Remember that this is the place where the Love part in Eat, Pray, Love happened. I have to think that these Indonesians can be pretty amorous so it's no surprise that the advice is to get busy in the bedroom. Actually the medium says they should make love (probably paid by Bachelor producers) and Becca kind of rolls her eyes and says "perfect" a joke that the boyfriend sitting beside her does not get. At home, we are snickering.
After only looking at their dinner, they head to the fantasy suite where she hopes to tell him that she's a virgin. She does. After Chris ponders this for two seconds he lets out a heavy sigh like here we go again. His recovery is good though, saying that he respects her virginity. Pretty sure when they closed the door of the fantasy suite that night, there was some heavy talking going on, making me think of the expression fly on the wall.
From what Becca said earlier, it seemed like she wasn't necessarily waiting for marriage, just the right person. But she is afraid of the temptation that will thicken the air inside that fantasy suite.We later hear that when Becca left the next morning, things were tense. Maybe there was some begging going on. Or she slept on the couch, or he was too much of a gentleman. Or not enough of a gentleman.
That day, Chris had some thinking time while the camera rolled. He was filmed pondering at his pool, then talking with Chris H who had no words of advice, whatsoever. However, I noticed that one Chris doesn't do well in the Bali humidity and one Chris does.

At the rose ceremony, all three girls are beautifully dressed in traditional Balinese costumes and look colorful and gorgeous as they wait for Chris to arrive in his karate suit. Chris Harrison warns Chris that there is to be no kissing in the sacred temple area. In other words, don't decide to take Becca's virginity now, don't plough Kaitlyn's field or inseminate Whitney. Chris has told CH that one lady is a shoe in and he's really torn between the other two. He asks to speak to Becca and she says she regrets how she left things that morning. hmmmm? I'm going to bypass the obvious joke here but fill it in yourselves. Kaitlyn and Whitney are hoping Chris will come back Becca-less but no, they are holding hands. Oh, oh. If I were Kaitlyn I would've asked for a moment with Chris right then and taken him behind one of those statues and broken a rule or two to secure my spot.
But she didn't and Kaitlyn was eliminated shortly after, unable to look in Chris's eyes. She gets in the exitmobile and like a good Canadian and rule follower, fastens her seatbelt. She has a few tears as she wonders what the heck happened. Us too! And now we hear that Chris Soules himself thinks Kaitlyn would be a great Bachelorette. Chris H agrees but also thinks Britt (who doesn't shower and goes to bed in her makeup) would be a good one too. So guess what's happening on twitter these days? #Kaitlyn4Bachelorette. There's a big campaign.

Next week is Girls Tell All and I'm absolutely giddy with excitement to think we might hear what's up with Ashley S, the gibberish talking, zombie fighting wanderer. I vote for 'ludes but maybe it was all an act. I think Sean Lowe (who has a relationship book on the New York Times bestseller list this week) said he thought it looked like Qualudes. I wonder how that Christian boy would know what that looks like. Or me, for that matter.
In two weeks, one girl will go home broken hearted. But then, they all go home broken hearted except one and it gets harder to recover the longer you stay. Thing is I don't foresee either Whitney or Becca making a great Bachelorette. #Kaitlyn4Bachelorette

Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, an award-winning novel set in Hawaii that asks the question, what happened the day he never returned home?
She also writes a whimsical series The Husband Hunt, much like The Bachelor. Free on Amazon.