Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Virginity Optional on The Bachelor this week

Last night on The Bachelor, or Prince Farming, as it's being called, Chris and the remaining three ladies flew to Bali. If you're not familiar with the Indonesian island, it's very southwest of Hawaii, in the South Pacific, and is one of the most romantic places in the world. Just watch that old movie South Pacific and see how hard it is for Mitzi Gaynor to wash that man right out of her hair.
It's Gorgeous with a capital Tropical. Who wouldn't love Bali after Iowa?

First up is Chris's date with Kaitlyn who has calmed down so much since the first night when she used the F bomb in her initial greeting, that we are wondering what's happened. The two lovebirds walk through the town talking to the locals, smiling, laughing, drinking Corona-type beer in plain sight (it really is paradise!) and end up at a monkey sanctuary where you can purchase bananas and let the flea bitten, nasty monkeys walk all over your head and pee on your $150 Tommy Bahama shirt. Fun! I've been around loads of monkeys in my life (don't ask) and they can be really mean if they don't get their banana. Chris was lucky they liked his banana.
Next the kooky twosome have a candlelit dinner that no one ever eats because they are just too excited/scared witless to get that fantasy suite invitation. It's always there. Under the plate. We can see it.
Who wants to eat the big meal and risk feeling bloated and full? After Kaitlyn reads the card they agree that they deserve this. I was reminded of Kaitlyn's use of the metaphor plough my field on that first night. Rose petals obliterate the bath water in the suite and blinds are lowered in anticipation of the famous adage "If you haven't had a Canadian girl, you've never lived."
Okay, I made up that last part but I think I remember hearing something like that in my single days.

Next it's Whitney's turn for a date with Chris. They edited this portion of the show very cleverly. Did anyone else notice that Whitney appeared to talk non-stop as they schoonered their way to a swimming spot?
She explains her sister's hesitation in welcoming Chris to the family, does some damage control, and then they get on with the kissing and swimming.
At dinner that night in an ill-fitting lime-colored maxi dress, Whitney continues talking about her career and how she's ready to drop it, get married, be a wife, get pregnant. She says dramatically that she's thought a lot about the fantasy suite and . . . (Imagine this next line in that chipmunk voice of hers) "It would be great!"
Off those two go to the fantasy suite, choosing to forego their separate rooms for one heart-shaped bed. If you're not sure about the premise of the show, privacy is a four-lettered word to the producers and it's non-existence is deliberate. These contestants get followed everywhere, are miked all the time, except sleeping and in the bathroom, and have no private moments with Chris. If one of the girls wanted to warn Chris that she's really a werewolf, this would be the time to tell him without the rest of America knowing.
Speaking of the paranormal, the next date is with Becca, the virgin. She's wearing black in anticipation of either losing her virginity or the black moment when she tells Chris that she's never been physically intimate with anyone before. What we know that she doesn't is that he hasn't said these next words to anyone else. "I missed you." These two giggle together a lot. But can they mess up the sheets? First, they walk around at a park, then head off to the village medium and ask the enlightened one for advice. Remember that this is the place where the Love part in Eat, Pray, Love happened. I have to think that these Indonesians can be pretty amorous so it's no surprise that the advice is to get busy in the bedroom. Actually the medium says they should make love (probably paid by Bachelor producers) and Becca kind of rolls her eyes and says "perfect" a joke that the boyfriend sitting beside her does not get. At home, we are snickering.
After only looking at their dinner, they head to the fantasy suite where she hopes to tell him that she's a virgin. She does. After Chris ponders this for two seconds he lets out a heavy sigh like here we go again. His recovery is good though, saying that he respects her virginity. Pretty sure when they closed the door of the fantasy suite that night, there was some heavy talking going on, making me think of the expression fly on the wall.
From what Becca said earlier, it seemed like she wasn't necessarily waiting for marriage, just the right person. But she is afraid of the temptation that will thicken the air inside that fantasy suite.We later hear that when Becca left the next morning, things were tense. Maybe there was some begging going on. Or she slept on the couch, or he was too much of a gentleman. Or not enough of a gentleman.
That day, Chris had some thinking time while the camera rolled. He was filmed pondering at his pool, then talking with Chris H who had no words of advice, whatsoever. However, I noticed that one Chris doesn't do well in the Bali humidity and one Chris does.

At the rose ceremony, all three girls are beautifully dressed in traditional Balinese costumes and look colorful and gorgeous as they wait for Chris to arrive in his karate suit. Chris Harrison warns Chris that there is to be no kissing in the sacred temple area. In other words, don't decide to take Becca's virginity now, don't plough Kaitlyn's field or inseminate Whitney. Chris has told CH that one lady is a shoe in and he's really torn between the other two. He asks to speak to Becca and she says she regrets how she left things that morning. hmmmm? I'm going to bypass the obvious joke here but fill it in yourselves. Kaitlyn and Whitney are hoping Chris will come back Becca-less but no, they are holding hands. Oh, oh. If I were Kaitlyn I would've asked for a moment with Chris right then and taken him behind one of those statues and broken a rule or two to secure my spot.
But she didn't and Kaitlyn was eliminated shortly after, unable to look in Chris's eyes. She gets in the exitmobile and like a good Canadian and rule follower, fastens her seatbelt. She has a few tears as she wonders what the heck happened. Us too! And now we hear that Chris Soules himself thinks Kaitlyn would be a great Bachelorette. Chris H agrees but also thinks Britt (who doesn't shower and goes to bed in her makeup) would be a good one too. So guess what's happening on twitter these days? #Kaitlyn4Bachelorette. There's a big campaign.

Next week is Girls Tell All and I'm absolutely giddy with excitement to think we might hear what's up with Ashley S, the gibberish talking, zombie fighting wanderer. I vote for 'ludes but maybe it was all an act. I think Sean Lowe (who has a relationship book on the New York Times bestseller list this week) said he thought it looked like Qualudes. I wonder how that Christian boy would know what that looks like. Or me, for that matter.
In two weeks, one girl will go home broken hearted. But then, they all go home broken hearted except one and it gets harder to recover the longer you stay. Thing is I don't foresee either Whitney or Becca making a great Bachelorette. #Kaitlyn4Bachelorette

Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, an award-winning novel set in Hawaii that asks the question, what happened the day he never returned home?
She also writes a whimsical series The Husband Hunt, much like The Bachelor. Free on Amazon.

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