Virginity Optional on The Bachelor this week

Last night on The Bachelor, or Prince Farming, as it's being called, Chris and the remaining three ladies flew to Bali. If you're not familiar with the Indonesian island, it's very southwest of Hawaii, in the South Pacific, and is one of the most romantic places in the world. Just watch that old movie South Pacific and see how hard it is for Mitzi Gaynor to wash that man right out of her hair.
It's Gorgeous with a capital Tropical. Who wouldn't love Bali after Iowa?

First up is Chris's date with Kaitlyn who has calmed down so much since the first night when she used the F bomb in her initial greeting, that we are wondering what's happened. The two lovebirds walk through the town talking to the locals, smiling, laughing, drinking Corona-type beer in plain sight (it really is paradise!) and end up at a monkey sanctuary where you can purchase bananas and let the flea bitten, nasty monkeys walk all over your head and pee on your $150 Tommy Bahama shirt. Fun! I've been around loads of monkeys in my life (don't ask) and they can be really mean if they don't get their banana. Chris was lucky they liked his banana.
Next the kooky twosome have a candlelit dinner that no one ever eats because they are just too excited/scared witless to get that fantasy suite invitation. It's always there. Under the plate. We can see it.

Who wants to eat the big meal and risk feeling bloated and full? After Kaitlyn reads the card they agree that they deserve this. I was reminded of Kaitlyn's use of the metaphor plough my field on that first night. Rose petals obliterate the bath water in the suite and blinds are lowered in anticipation of the famous adage "If you haven't had a Canadian girl, you've never lived."
Okay, I made up that last part but I think I remember hearing something like that in my single days.

Next it's Whitney's turn for a date with Chris. They edited this portion of the show very cleverly. Did anyone else notice that Whitney appeared to talk non-stop as they schoonered their way to a swimming spot?

She explains her sister's hesitation in welcoming Chris to the family, does some damage control, and then they get on with the kissing and swimming.
At dinner that night in an ill-fitting lime-colored maxi dress, Whitney continues talking about her career and how she's ready to drop it, get married, be a wife, get pregnant. She says dramatically that she's thought a lot about the fantasy suite and . . . (Imagine this next line in that chipmunk voice of hers) "It would be great!"
Off those two go to the fantasy suite, choosing to forego their separate rooms for one heart-shaped bed. If you're not sure about the premise of the show, privacy is a four-lettered word to the producers and it's non-existence is deliberate. These contestants get followed everywhere, are miked all the time, except sleeping and in the bathroom, and have no private moments with Chris. If one of the girls wanted to warn Chris that she's really a werewolf, this would be the time to tell him without the rest of America knowing.
Speaking of the paranormal, the next date is with Becca, the virgin. She's wearing black in anticipation of either losing her virginity or the black moment when she tells Chris that she's never been physically intimate with anyone before. What we know that she doesn't is that he hasn't said these next words to anyone else. "I missed you." These two giggle together a lot. But can they mess up the sheets? First, they walk around at a park, then head off to the village medium and ask the enlightened one for advice. Remember that this is the place where the Love part in Eat, Pray, Love happened. I have to think that these Indonesians can be pretty amorous so it's no surprise that the advice is to get busy in the bedroom. Actually the medium says they should make love (probably paid by Bachelor producers) and Becca kind of rolls her eyes and says "perfect" a joke that the boyfriend sitting beside her does not get. At home, we are snickering.
After only looking at their dinner, they head to the fantasy suite where she hopes to tell him that she's a virgin. She does. After Chris ponders this for two seconds he lets out a heavy sigh like here we go again. His recovery is good though, saying that he respects her virginity. Pretty sure when they closed the door of the fantasy suite that night, there was some heavy talking going on, making me think of the expression fly on the wall.
From what Becca said earlier, it seemed like she wasn't necessarily waiting for marriage, just the right person. But she is afraid of the temptation that will thicken the air inside that fantasy suite.We later hear that when Becca left the next morning, things were tense. Maybe there was some begging going on. Or she slept on the couch, or he was too much of a gentleman. Or not enough of a gentleman.
That day, Chris had some thinking time while the camera rolled. He was filmed pondering at his pool, then talking with Chris H who had no words of advice, whatsoever. However, I noticed that one Chris doesn't do well in the Bali humidity and one Chris does.

At the rose ceremony, all three girls are beautifully dressed in traditional Balinese costumes and look colorful and gorgeous as they wait for Chris to arrive in his karate suit. Chris Harrison warns Chris that there is to be no kissing in the sacred temple area. In other words, don't decide to take Becca's virginity now, don't plough Kaitlyn's field or inseminate Whitney. Chris has told CH that one lady is a shoe in and he's really torn between the other two. He asks to speak to Becca and she says she regrets how she left things that morning. hmmmm? I'm going to bypass the obvious joke here but fill it in yourselves. Kaitlyn and Whitney are hoping Chris will come back Becca-less but no, they are holding hands. Oh, oh. If I were Kaitlyn I would've asked for a moment with Chris right then and taken him behind one of those statues and broken a rule or two to secure my spot.
But she didn't and Kaitlyn was eliminated shortly after, unable to look in Chris's eyes. She gets in the exitmobile and like a good Canadian and rule follower, fastens her seatbelt. She has a few tears as she wonders what the heck happened. Us too! And now we hear that Chris Soules himself thinks Kaitlyn would be a great Bachelorette. Chris H agrees but also thinks Britt (who doesn't shower and goes to bed in her makeup) would be a good one too. So guess what's happening on twitter these days? #Kaitlyn4Bachelorette. There's a big campaign.

Next week is Girls Tell All and I'm absolutely giddy with excitement to think we might hear what's up with Ashley S, the gibberish talking, zombie fighting wanderer. I vote for 'ludes but maybe it was all an act. I think Sean Lowe (who has a relationship book on the New York Times bestseller list this week) said he thought it looked like Qualudes. I wonder how that Christian boy would know what that looks like. Or me, for that matter.
In two weeks, one girl will go home broken hearted. But then, they all go home broken hearted except one and it gets harder to recover the longer you stay. Thing is I don't foresee either Whitney or Becca making a great Bachelorette. #Kaitlyn4Bachelorette

Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, an award-winning novel set in Hawaii that asks the question, what happened the day he never returned home?
She also writes a whimsical series The Husband Hunt, much like The Bachelor. Free on Amazon.

Carly is Zak's Sister! & Naughty Guru Tries to Seduce The Bachelor

Smelly Girl, Creepy Girl, Naughty Guru, and Big Eyes all vie for Chris Soules' hand in The Bachelor's Prince Farming this week. Carly with the big eyes, is Zak's sister from Desiree's season but more on that later.
Santa Fe, New Mexico is the spectacular setting for the show which has Megan all happy to finally be leaving the country. Somebody needs to check her map of North America and then put her passport away before she puts on a sombrero and makes a fool of herself.

The first date is with Carly, a one on one that has even me watching the TV through my fingers from embarrassment. The love guru, Tziporah, who's given name is probably Janet or Karen, visibly flirts with Chris at the beginning. Tell me this look isn't naughty.
Then she has Chris and Carly breathing each other's recycled air and feeling each other's feet and hips in an effort to bring them closer spiritually.

Man, these two were such good sports that it wasn't until the guru asked Carly to take off Chris's pants that Carly admitted her hesitation. You probably won't remember Carly from Desiree's season but she is Zak's sister who sang with her strange-eyed guitar playing bro to serenade Desiree in hometowns. Zak bought Desiree that ring in anticipation, remember?

The family is obviously known for their eyes. Carly's are HUGE, like those Big Eyes paintings.

Chris and Carly were finally released from the guru's torture and had a heart to heart talk in a lodge-style setting where they both revealed their insecurities about not being good enough. Note to Carly: Stop saying "like." Cue the romantic guitar Bachelor music aaaannnnnndddd Kiss time.
Back from commercial we saw Ashley poo-poo ing Kelsey's widowhood and although we didn't want to diss a widow, we kind of wondered about Kelsey.
The group date involved Megan, Jade, Kailyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley and Kelsey. If you don't know who Samantha is, don't worry. Neither does Chris. Megan is the girl who thinks she's in Mexico, BTW.
Against the backdrop of red cliffs and eagles flying in the early morning light, the girls headed off to the Rio Grande for some river rafting! In full makeup! And extensions! Soon enough Cisco the rafter man had them dressed in dorky lifejackets and helmets, armed with paddles and quaking in their tennis shoes with fear about going over the side of the raft. With good reason, it appeared.
Jade fell in but was pulled out by the raft guy even though Kaitlyn tried but her arms are as big around as a coke can. Once out of the boats, Chris rubbed Jade's hypothermic feet and they drank champagne to celebrate. The real drama was short-haired Kelsey who seemed to LOVE bitching to the camera and quickly revealed an "I will not be ignored" Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction - ish quality to her dating style.
As her fake laugh bounced off the Rio Grande Canyon walls for hours after they left, Kelsey developed a strategic game plan.
The group date party at the Red Sage had former contestant, drunk girl Jordan, the twerker, showing up, having driven from Colorado to ask for a second chance. Chris Harrison said he was surprised to see her, but you have to know the producers ok'ed this bold move. The girls' claws came out when they saw Jordan joining the party and Whitney argued with Ashley about not being mean to Jordan. Ashley's plan was to get all the girls to freeze out the newcomer. cough, high school, cough. There just isn't enough mascara for another girl! Then when Chris decided to say bye bye to Jordan, Ashley joined in the fake smiles and hugs to wish her happy trails.
Chris Harrison said today that this is a particularly catty group and I have to think that Ashley isn't helping.
Whitney got the rose on the date, almost like Chris knew she opposed Ashley's bully plan and then the Kim Kardashian look alike went off to her bed with her bestie to pout and talk stink.


Britt gets the next date and the card indicates they are doing something sky high which sends the once front runner into hysterics because she's terrified of heights.

And showers it appears. Britt hasn't showered since she arrived and the other girls are either envious or repulsed. I can't tell. Strange thing is that she has gorgeous hair. Bad dye job but clean looking hair!
Very very early in the morning, Chris wakes up Britt in a dorm full of bedded girls, tells Carly to shhh and kisses Britt to wake her up. Okay, nobody kisses that enthusiastically at 4:30 without brushing their teeth. I have to think that she had a heads up warning. According to the girls, Britt applies fresh makeup for sleeping but doesn't shower. Hmm.
The date involves a sunrise hot air balloon ride that Britt is so excited for, we wonder about that fear of heights when they cruise over the Rio Grande Gorge a hundred feet up and Britt is kissing and smiling. Liar liar smelly red pants on fire.

Speaking of liars, after playing What's Under the Sheets in Chris's bed, Britt heads back to the hotel room and Kelsey slips away to execute her diabolical plan to use her story to secure a rose.
This is where it gets creepy. Kelsey tells her story about being widowed by Sanderson Po (I guess he was a singer or something and she feels the need to drop his name even though he's no longer with us) and tears are plentiful. Chris consoles her and then they kiss. Or rather she tries to kiss him. Personally, I think Chris felt how inappropriate this was after her revelation and tears, and pulled back. Then she dove in for another kiss. If Chris could've seen what this widow was saying about her story to the camera, it was very Fatal Attraction. Guidance counselor be damned. This gal needs therapy. She loves her story. Her story is amazing. Kelsey said "I know this is Chris's story but it's also my story. This is the unfolding of someone who's been through something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and another relationship." Then she suggested we tune in Monday nights at 8pm to watch her amazing transformation. Huh? The producers must've been salivating at this juicy footage. What a wacko.
Dressed up and ready for her God-given rose, Kelsey appears to be the cat who ate the canary on the couch at the cocktail party. In a private interview, Ashley is jealous that Kelsey's story is so much better than hers, like that's the criteria for catching the bachelor's attention. Too bad Ashley doesn't have a dead husband. Sensing what needs to be done, Chris cancels the cocktail party and tells CH he knows who has to leave. Dude, get her outta there before your rabbit gets boiled.

But Kelsey slipped off to the ladies room where CH said she turned off her microphone then ended up on the floor outside the bathroom wailing into a now turned on microphone, having a 'panic attack' with a medic in purple gloves. Then 'To Be Continued' flashed on the screen, a new thing for The Bachelor to keep viewers in pain all week.
Personally, I don't need to wait all week to see Kelsey being helped to her feet by Chris (who she clings to desperately) and him toying with the idea of keeping her around for her own health. This is how I think it should go down:
The producers bar Kelsey from seeing The Bachelor until she regains her composure. No Chris until she's back to normal. Then she might stand up, not receive a rose and realize the timing of her story was all wrong. Then someone should give that girl an Emmy for acting, not in a reality show but in a drama!
Last but not least, is Megan donning a sobrero. Okaaay. I think some body needs to get a little sober-o before they start talking to the camera. Just sayin'.


Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, an award-winning novel set in Hawaii that asks the question, what happened the day he never returned home?
She also writes a whimsical series The Husband Hunt, much like The Bachelor. Free on Amazon.