Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Juan Pablo is Sucked Into the Vortex!

Spoiler Alert!

Juan Pablo cannot be that stupid. He just can't. Everything we've seen so far tells us he puts Camila's interests first, before his own, going so far as to fix her wedgie on national TV. (I won't tell you what my GF said to me about J.P. fixing her wedgie anytime).
Last night on The Bachelor, the Pabs fell for womanly tricks, twice! And we saw him sinking deep into that hole of "I'm thinking with my libido, not my head".
At the beginning of last night's episode, everyone flew to South Korea but of course, the Bachelor does not get to do this 14 hour flight with the women. He flies separately and although you may think this is because it takes the group of women a full day to pack up their seventeen suitcases each  and he can't be bothered waiting,I believe it's because he goes early to scout out date locations. Ever wonder how he knows where to go and what to do in foreign countries?
There were two group dates this week so if I jumble the dates, it's because it was confusing.

With Gangum Style being so incredibly popular in the U.S. (even pistachio commercials?), Juan Pablo had the first group date head on over to a TV station to learn a dance with K-Pop's biggest Korean stars -2NE1. This is actually pronounced 21. Apparently these four ladies who sing and dance are huge stars in Korea, enough to fill an enormous mall to about 47 people. What? The girls danced in K-Pop outfits, arrived in a limo and got their K-Pop Star on. Personalities were revealed as Nurse Nikky became the most whiney contestant in the history of The Bachelor and Kat became the most dancey person in the history of The Bachelor.
Yes, Kat can dance but then so can Cassandra (she was a cheerleader!).
 And Nikky, just shut up. It was too much, hearing how traumatic it would be to go on the stage to dance.
At the end of the party, though, Nikky got the rose probably for pretending to be shy, and in need of floral approval. After listening to her whine all day about not wanting to dance in front of a crowd and how she doesn't fit in with the group of girls because she doesn't have sisters, this made us mad. And made Kat fake a happy smile.

The one on one date saw Pabby with Sharleen, who pretending to not want to sing for him because-- WHY? She doesn't usually sing for her men this early in the relationship. WHAT? Maybe she was afraid that if he heard her amazing voice he'd fall in love with that, not her wonderful personality? News alert: Her personality is a bit lacking. And I'm being polite here because she's Canadian. And so am I.
My hubby pointed out it isn't like she's a rock star or stripper, men don't usually go for opera singers. And then she says she doesn't like kids! Or something like that. She doesn't want kids. What we know for sure (by her strangeness) is that Sharleen is terrified of looking like the other girls. She went on to tell the Latin Daddy that she dated a man with a four year old daughter and couldn't get past the fact he'd already had his first child with someone else. Excuse me J.P.! YOU HAVE A FIVE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER! Hello? Does this sound familiar?
Pabby gave her a rose for being so honest, which is the same as saying "I'm like a moth to your raging bonfire."
In order to justify this rose, I had to tell myself that she must've said something off camera like "I am ready for motherhood now, even though I wasn't back then," or "You make me want to have those three kids you are planning on." Otherwise how didn't J.P. see that she is all wrong for him? Maybe men do like Opera Singers. AND, Sharleen is the most awkward flirter I've ever seen. She just plain can't flirt properly. (Watch Andi for some great flirting!) Juan Pablo, listen to me. She is not on THE BACHELOR because she feels she's ready for a commitment and kids. She's promoting her business, http://sharleenjoynt.com/
The next group date involved Renee, Andi, Clare, and others who faded into the background. Oh, and Lauren the pianist. They sang karaoke, drove Swan boats, and had fish eat their dead-skinned feet. Finally Renee got some airtime!
 Clare has now claimed the Pabs for herself and looked silly with all her hanging off him and squeezing herself into other girls' spaces to guard her man. When they got all dressed up for a fun evening, Juan gave the rose to Andi, who is a front runner in my opinion. As a lawyer, she knows enough to not talk stink in front of the camera. Unlike Nikki, Clare and Elyse. Oh and Lauren drank too much, went in for the kiss and he refused her. Apparently now Juan is only going to kiss girls he's absolutely unable to avoid kissing (because of his terrible willpower), like Clare.
And what's up with Kelly, the dog lover? We never get to see if she has any sort of relationship with Juany. I have a theory that she's his friend in the real world, planted to help him see what's going on backstage. Why else would they allow a girl to bring her dog on The Bachelor? Ever seen them hug? Like siblings. And he gave her the rose when they dressed like dogs, that day. Hmmmm? Best line of the night was a diss on Clare who squabbled about the tiny piece of octopus she put in her mouth. Kelly said to the camera: "I know you've swallowed bigger things than that."
The cocktail party and rose ceremony was strange and not just because it was outside where the temps made everyone shiver but because even though the girls with roses made a pact to not hog J.P. so others could get time with him, Nicky still took him from Clare and the fight began. Meow! Nikki might be able to diaper a baby like a champ but she's not able to look Juan in the eyes.
Lauren went home for various reasons, one being the crying at the group date, begging to be kissed and not having a good enough rapport with JP, Elise also was sent packing and I'm sure if she's watching the show, she knows enough now to never trash talk the baby (Chelsea) again.

What did we learn from tonight's episode? Men are easily led down that slippery slope to lust by the girls who best know how to work it.
Next week looks good with J.P. and Clare taking something too far and regretting it. Muuuhaaaaa.

Kim Hornsby is an Amazon Bestselling Author. THE HUSBAND HUNT series on Amazon books, is modeled after THE BACHELOR.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The Bachelor Makes Horrible Mistake

Last night on The Bachelor, Juan Pablo chose to have a pool party instead of a formal cocktail party with the girls, thereby establishing the Latin Daddy as one of the most unique Bachelors in Bachelor history.

Horrible Mistake: I expected a quick on-air apology or disclaimer would be inserted into last night's airing after J.P. called Gay Love "perverted" in public last weekend. There was no mention of it on The Bachelor last night, only media back peddling. When he realized what he'd said and how un P.C. it was, J.P. quickly apologized, saying the language barrier was the problem and ABC's lawyers publicly disowned his comments in legal fashion.  But calling same sex relationships perverted was a word choice that will tarnish his name. I'm not sure he'll ever get back to America's Latin sweetheart after this.
FACT: The dictionary's definition of Perverse is to deviate from conventional behavior, so it could be a case of Lost in Translation.

Last night's installment of the Bachelor started with a one on one date with Cassandra, the shy, leggy, single mom. J.P. has said that if he isn't feeling it from the two mommies, he'll let them go ASAP because they have children waiting at home. That's fair.
Obviously he felt something for Cassandra, although it was hard to see from my spot on the couch. They laughed, danced, ate, kissed, but I did not see anything romantic happening between the two. Mostly they gazed at pictures of their kids at J.P.'s house. Her son's Daddy, by the way, is a Basketball player for the Detroit Pistons, the team she cheerled for.
(Is that a verb? Sorry)  If we had to hear that she hadn't had a first date in 3 years one more time, I think I was going to throw my bag of Double Stuff Oreos at the TV. She got a rose.
Then the smiley, little Science Educator got a one on one date, thereby setting some name-calling in motion from the gal who thought she'd get the date, Elyse. "Baby" "Immature" "Too young" "Baby". Calling another girl names on air and then with other girls is the kiss of death. Expect to see her exit soon.
Yes, the gal is fun, funny, fun-loving, but boy, did we ever see a serious side of her when they stood on the bridge getting ready to bungee jump. J.P. told her it was her choice and after fifteen minutes of her crying, shaking, hugging, she jumped with him. Dinner that night looked fun. I didn't see much kissing. Just sayin'.
The group date included a bevy of others including Sharleen who is getting on my nerves fast, even though I am Canadian by birth and have a child from Taiwan and should like this candidate. BUT, she's sneakier than she looks, seems. With her flimsy, revealing dresses, her upsweep hairdo's and her elegant ways, she's enticing Juan Pablo. Anyone notice her back away and tuck her chin when he leaned in to kiss her last night?
He likes her. She's playing the game well. I predict the girls will be scratching her eyes out in another episode or two. Next week she sings which will probably make J.P. giddy with excitement.
I like Andi. She wears a one piece swim suit for crying out loud! What's not to like. Andi is well-spoken and fun.
Clare is getting needy and got one of the last roses in the cluster last night, a blatant message to cheer up and get back in the game. She did not get her own picture this week as punishment for being clingy.
Once again Renee, the Florida Mama, is the go-to girl when tears flow. She's definitely mother material but I haven't seen her with J.P. yet. Have you? I'm fantasizing that she gets a new, improved hairstyle and a bit of a makeover, rises to the top of the heap, and we get to see how fantastic she and Juan Pablo are for each other.
Hippy Girl, Lucy, was eliminated for being naked too much along with another gal who we never heard from and didn't memorize her name. Lucy cried, which surprised me. I think she might get her own reality show now, called Naked Hippy Chick.
Looks like next week they take off for China or another country that is under Chinese rule, Clare hogs The Bachelor, Sharleen continues to elegantly weave a spell around Juan Pablo and the drama continues. Did you expect any less?
Rumor Alert: Chris Harrison, who is single, has been seen with former contestant Selma who wouldn't kiss Sean Lowe on national TV. Apparently, last weekend he called her "my girlfriend'. As long as you don't take her on TV and kiss her Chris, you should be good.

Kim Hornsby is the author of THE HUSBAND HUNT, a contemporary romance FREE on Amazon Books modeled after The Bachelor.

Sunday, January 19, 2014


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Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The Bachelor Boots the Drunk Girl

Last night on Juanuary's Bachelor, we got to watch the episode where one girl drinks too much, this time waaaaaaaaay too much. She could still walk, could still talk (unfortunately) and could definitely straddle someone and twerk. Victoria probably shamed her Brazilian family in last night's episode by getting shoot-faced and causing such high drama that the cameramen and producers were actually seen on TV. I love it when that happens. The other girls on the group date were horrified, never having seen someone like that before. Oh sure!
All but Rene, the mom from Florida who followed a hysterical Victoria to the bathroom cubicle to try to reason with her. Personally, I was yelling "you can't reason with a drunk!"
Juan Pablo saw the situation for what it was-bad news central- and left to go home after saying goodbye to everyone. The next day he arrived at the hotel where they stashed her to sober up, (probably just two floors down from the hot tub date), and he told her very nicely that he just came to see how she was and tell her goodbye. He can't have that type of behavior around a child. Of course he can't. Well done, Juan.  Did anyone else notice Victoria didn't apologize profusely and say that's never happened before? She didn't even try to say she thought one of the other girls roofied her.
Let's back up. The first date last night was given to Clare, the gal who is as pretty as a scenic painting of a snowfall in a coniferous forest. And where did they go? A Tessla took the daters to a snowfall in a coniferous forest somewhere in Los Angeles. Go figure.
They sledded in jeans, fell all over an ice skating rink and then in their swim suits, hot tubbed and groped each others' perfect bodies. eye y'eye y'eye! After some guy sang, whose name made me have a dream last night about dating John Krasinski, they declared the date the best time ever and Clare ended up back at the Girls' Dormitory in bed.
The next date was another one on one, this time for the perky dancer, Kat. Good choice Juan. Turned out they grand marshaled Utah's nighttime glow stick run of 5K, dancing to Electric Dance Music along the way. Brother, can those two ever dance! I would've watched the whole two hours of them dancing. J.P. was pretty turned on and I bet the dancing magic spell worked both ways. Think the trip home on the private jet was fun? Oh wait, they go everywhere with cameras and bearded men with glasses and ponytails. Never mind.
The group date included most everyone else but Opera Girl and two others. On that date the girls were matched with stray dogs, costumed to look like the dogs and humiliated, if your name is Andi. Two girls were told to wear only their birthday suit and a small sign for the scheduled photo shoot to support Best Friends Animal Society. The signs read "Adopt" and "Me".
CHEAP TRICK. UNCALLED FOR. Squirm-Worthy. And judging by the fact ABC's Bachelor site changed the photo on their site from the nude one (with parts hidden) to another, only an hour ago, I'd say they got the message they went too far this time. This date with Andi, reminded me of the one-armed girl who was socially forced to go roller skating two seasons ago. Nasty trick.
Andy took it on the chin, telling Juan Pablo that she was doing fine, but when questioned just before she had to take off her clothes, she admitted she was shy and the only one of the girls who brought one piece bathing suits to be on The Bachelor. I felt so badly for her until J.P. told her he'd do it and he was nervous too. If they did get nude together, they'd be helping the dogs. I don't know about you but at home, when I heard those words from his lips, I proceeded to strip, and then remembered he wasn't talking to me. (I must love dogs!).The photo shoot went well, the rose went to the gal who dressed in a goofy bald costume (?) but I can't imagine that Juan Pablo has forgotten what a good sport Andi was. Oh yea, Hippy Chick, Lucy, who loves to show her body at any given moment, was as happy as a hog in mud on the other side of J.P. in her birthday suit. weeeeeee!
At the cocktail party/rose ceremony we finally got to see Opera Girl, Sharleen, who apologized for being flippant and poorly spoken when she got the first impression rose the week before.
If she didn't have her Juan Pablo on before, she is definitely suiting up now. I see stars in her eyes for the charming Bachelor. We knew this would happen. I'm still mad at her for being so flippant, eh? The thaw will be fun to watch.

Who went home? Oh the gal who did her own on-air audition to be a TV interviewer. She and her enormous perfect teeth showed America that she has what it takes to do small town news, powder puff pieces and probably blew her chance at Juan Pablo by using her time alone with him to audition. Also, Chantel, a stunning beauty who got lots of air time to show the world that The Bachelor is an equal opportunity show for African Americans. And of course, Victoria the drunken vixen was long gone now too. Aside: Victoria did offer my favorite quote of the night when she called the Heimlich manoeuver the Hymen manoeuver. Or remover. Not sure. Hopefully she's re-evaluating whether drinking so much caused her demise on the show. I'm sure the media is camped outside her house, waiting for comments, and she's wishing a girl could just go to the women's bathroom without big burly men with cameras following to record every word. But no. Remember, this is The Bachelor!
Oh and P.S.: Juan Pablo favorited one of my tweets this week which makes us super close now. See you next week!

Kim Hornsby is a Bestselling author on Amazon. Her series The Husband Hunt is modeled after The Bachelor. She lives in Jason and Molly, Des and Chris Town. Seattle.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Juan Pablo Rejected!

Juanuary is off to a great start with the 2 night premier now under our sparkly belts. Fashion was at a premium, tears were flowing, girls were drinking, and Juan Pablo, the newest Bachelor, was as charming and real as we expected. This is not your ordinary bachelor. Oh no!
He's Latin, for one thing, (speaks with an accent), he has a child, Camila (who looks like a normal little girl) and this Bachelor looks more like a deer caught in the headlights than anyone who has gone before him, including Ben Flajnik, or whatever the Napa vintner's name was. How could you reject such a sweetheart? More on that in a bit.
 Juan Pablo Galavis apparently has trouble finding women who would be good wife/mommy material, something I'm still scratching my head over months after hearing this. Moving on.
I tweeted and voted and shared and posted for the Venezuelan soccer player to be the next Bachelor so you can imagine that I'm happy to sit and watch Juan Pablo for two hours as he soaps his newly-toned body in the shower and laughs with Sean Lowe over going shirtless (they did) and how many girls to kiss. I loved the conversation those two had, full of teasing and good-natured fun -- like watching bloopers but not.
After a touching segment with Juan Pablo and Camilla and then his parents, it was on to the girls. Dirty Trick #1- The director made us root for the poor gal who opened her first Old Folks Home at the age of twenty. (Spoiler alert - She left in the first boat off the island). Boo.
Some girls the producers chose to compete for Juan's affection looked a little full of themselves, some looked overly excited about a reality show that might see them hitting the curb after the first night, and one looked downright strange in hippy garb with no makeup. The night before, she leaped into Chris Harrison's arms (her legs wrapped around his hips) to genuflect on her excitement to be on the show.
Hippy Girl, we'll call her, seeing she wore a flowery hairband and bare feet to the formal cocktail party and proceeded to put her dirty, big feet on JP's lap later and tell him she's a free spirit and hippy. Sound like a good mom for Camilla? Well, JP saw something in her and she will be going on to the next round. Maybe he read online that she's best friends with Kate Upton or that she wants to be a Mommy. Or that she dances naked in Mexico.
Twenty-seven girls got out of various limos, one bicycling a piano up the uneven driveway as she played-can you say awkward!?- one pretending she was pregnant - not awkward at all! - and one trying a science experiment about chemistry and then not even kissing his pursed lips - super awkward and missed opportunity!
I have to admit, aside from Hippy Girl, they all looked relatively sane. Then the alcohol took effect and things took a first night bachelor party too much champagne, turn. Cry Girl found it all just too close to the phone call where her fiance broke up with her months before and became, well, Cry Girl.
Not something you want to aspire to on the first night. Then she proceeded to tell JP about her heartache while he squirmed on the couch beside her. I'm surprised she didn't wear her ring. Poor Cry Girl who spent precious on-air time telling us she's not usually like this. Hopefully she'll laugh at After the Final Rose. Or even get invited, because she was eliminated faster than you can say "Don't cry, beg, or confess on the first night Cry girl!"
The Prosecutor from Florida stood out last night as normal,  flirty, cute, able to not seem desperate like some. See her picture to the right...
BUT, the most awkward moment of the whole night, besides Hippy Girl's feet and Massage Girl's horribly embarrassing attempt to win JP over with a clothes on, weird idea massage on a table set up in the garden, was the First Impression Rose. This, to me, is a kiss of death because many recipients go on to later make a horrible impression or get so full of themselves that they ruin their chances by developing needy behavior. Opera Girl, however, played it so cool when JP took off to get the rose that we felt horribly sorry for our TV Latin boyfriend. She admitted to the camera that she did not feel any attraction to the bachelor and when Juan Pablo handed her the rose, expecting some excitement, she paused so long I had time to yell at the TV "Take it back, Juan, she won't love you like I will. Oh, I mean like the other girls will." She took it, however, thereby taking up space in the final group of worthy gals when we know she won't return his affections. Or will she? In later episodes we see her embracing him, crying and even not calling him "Sir". What was up with that? I know us Canadians are polite but SHEESH!
The fact she's part Taiwanese gives her a 1/2 vote from me though. (My daughter is Taiwanese). Maybe she had a Tiger Mom who made her call everyone Sir. Canadians, however,don't call people sir and especially not a man who's singling you out of 27 gorgeous, accomplished women to say you are special. Translation: "I love your dress" really means 'I'm attracted to you.' Said twice, it means,"throw me a bone here, woman."

Front runners thus far, for me, are Nurse Nikki, Ali the Nanny and Piano Girl. Oh and The Prosecutor, Andi.
That's just my opinion and I'm not a man, not Latin, not actually there in the Mansion, not off camera watching these women in their unnatural habitat of evening gowns and champagne.
But that's what this show is all about, isn't it? Sitting on our couches at home, forming opinions, talking to the TV and watching this dating process unfurl before us. Can't wait for next week!

Kim Hornsby is the author of THE HUSBAND HUNT, a series of novellas on AMAZON books that take place in a fictitious Reality TV show. The first in the series is a free download, called Jaxie's Mistake. "like watching a season of The Bachelor!"
Check it out! http://amzn.com/B00BN1YNS0

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Resolutions - Wine and Big Mouth

Have you made any resolutions for 2014? By now (11a.m. on the 1st,) you probably still haven't broken any.
I have two resolutions. One might be broken at this point but my promise to not drink any alcohol in January is still holding firm. You're probably wondering if that was a hard one for me to keep and maybe even feeling badly if it isn't. More on that in a bit. The resolution that is the tricky one for me is to keep my big mouth shut. So now I'm blogging which is like not keeping one's big mouth shut, isn't it?
I resolve to try to think before I speak in 2014, attempt to think ahead, see the consequences, even question my motives for speaking out. Like my mother, I have what is called a big mouth.
Not in physical size, but in its ability to open quickly and blurt out stuff I later think is inappropriate. Example: I was recently at a girls' Christmas party at an elegant house, hosted by a wonderful neighbor and as we sat around in a circle during the white elephant gift exchange, my gorgeous friend, let's call her Jen, told how she met one of our cherished friends who was on the couch beside us. No sooner had Jen finished telling the story, than I had to silence the room to say how I met that same friend, telling everyone in my words basically that I'd known her longer and loved her too. Luckily the room did not go silent and no one looked horrifyingly at me but when I remembered the lovely party the next day, I wondered why I did that. I love both these women. LOVE!
I have a huge need to be noticed, I guess. And admired. (Thus the first career as a singer in a band.)This is all I can think of as I wrack my brain to analyze why that mouth opens and strange stuff comes out. I am the baby of my family which isn't saying much because there are only two children in the thing, but I am the baby of all the cousins too and maybe I have some deep seeded need to be noticed, recognized as worthy. I do remember being left out of things the older cousins enjoyed. And being thought of a the baby. Maybe that's where this big need to be noticed comes from.
 I've been awake for several hours in this year already, have posted on three separate Facebook sites, sent a few emails and may possibly have pissed off someone at this point. I don't know when I'm doing it. But I tried to go easy.
In 2014, I'm going to think of what I want to say before I say it, especially at parties, groupings, times when my need to be noticed is at its ugly peak. I'm going to try to be more of a listener, sideline gal, supporting actor, instead of clamoring to be the lead.
Part of what might help realize its fruition is the experiment to not drink in January 2014. Not that I have a wild social calendar this month but I suspect a few glasses of wine only feeds my need and most of my regrettable moments come after a drink or two.
The night of my faux pas at the White Elephant party, I'd had two or three glasses of wine, but in my defense, I remember bragging and promoting my books to a group of women BEFORE I'd even had a drink that night. Then it probably got worse. See how these two habits feed each other? Perhaps a third resolution is in order: To promote less, in the company of friends and neighbors. BUT in all fairness, people asked how my book sales are going! The fact that I went on so long was the problem. SHUT UP Kim! Someone should have whispered that nicely in my ear, I suppose.
So, it's my belief that if I don't drink, I might beat that problem at its own game. Also, I want to just lay off the booze for a bit. The Xmas season has seen me have a few drinks almost every night. I often start with a beer at 5 ish, then pour a glass of wine at 6 (I put ice cubes in it to make it last longer). I love holding a long stemmed wine goblet in my hand, carrying it around the house, sipping slowly. Just the act of this is heady. Tonight I'll be doing this with de-caf or lemonade.
After my glass of white wine I sometimes have another but not always. This might not seem like much to real drinkers but it seems like a lot to me. I just started drinking socially about fifteen years ago at the millennium. Before that I'd have maybe a few drinks in a year. Thing is, I don't want to be dependent on the evening drink. No thank you. And I want to try to get rid of this squishy middle that beer has been kind enough to make on my body. If it is the beer and not my blatant lack of exercise, love of cheese! and distaste of doing much more than walking my dogs.

And so, this is my statement to the world. January will be alcohol free for me and hopefully, I will not piss off my friends and neighbors with braggy, loud-mouth utterings. And will finish my second book in The Dream Jumper Series- THE DREAM JUMPER'S SECRET (Dammit, I just tried to promote!)

To be continued...