Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Ashley S is nuts and Chris's Sisters Arrive on The Bachelor!

Last night on The Bachelor we watched a date card arrive for a bevvy of ladies that said "Let's do what feels natural" that had most of the bevvy freaking in case they had to go without makeup. The ladies checked each other's hair extensions, applied false eyelashes and lipstick and headed out on the date in two vintage Pontiac convertibles to a lake. Or what Kelsey, the guidance counselor called a "hell hole" and "dingy pond" as she frowned her way through the group date's swimming portion.
I admit anyone on a group date with the Virgin Ashley has cause to complain but Kelsey was a downright downer. They swam, played with beach balls, posed on blow up air mattresses and suddenly Ashley got topless. Not to be outdone, Kaitlyn from Canada went bottomless. Such free spirits, those silly girls. While Kelsey listed her complaints, a bee had finally had enough whining and stung her. Elan, the producer with the wild hair, ran over to help but apparently Kelsey did not want Elan Gale examining her inner thigh. Nice try.

While all this was going on, Chris's three sisters had flown in (one from as far away as Ireland) to interview the remaining gals to see which one was best suited for the 'Cinderella' date that was planned with Chris the next night. After waking a snoring Jillian at the pool, the sisters took each candidate to another room and grilled them, job interview style.

Speaking of grilling, back at the lake Chris informed the women that they'd all be staying overnight, camping! This was not great news for the heavily made up girls who needed to get back to the mansion to their supply of eyelashes and face powder. I was laughing hysterically inside because this was a wonderful idea to weed out the gals who won't survive in Iowa. Ha ha ha. Still laughing.
The Canadian was wearing combat boots and had just flashed the camera her tushie and she loves to camp. (most of us do, or at least we like the campfire part-- and beer.) But Ashley I. went into panic mode.
Tents went up, (eventually MacKenzie and Ashley I. got theirs erected and the grilling began. See? This is my tie in from two paragraphs ago. Chris grilled steaks and the booze was brought out. The funniest scene of the night was with Ashley S. who got wired fast or was still wired, or is just that way naturally, and she wanted music around the campfire. Grabbing Juelia to help, she sang everyone's favorite campfire song -- "hold it, thumbs together, ta tee ta tee ta tee ta ta." What? The scene made me think that Kristen Wiig should play Ashley S. in the movie. Then Chris tried to talk privately to Ashley S. up on a hill. It went like this:

Chris: Hi
Ash: What are you? What?
Chris: What am I?
Ash: Well I know you're Scorpio. Look the moon. I love you.

And then it went downhill. Literally. More gibberish and then they went down a steep hill while the campfire girls watched like ambulance chasers. As I've told you before, Ashley S. has amazing balance and stayed upright even though she couldn't muster up a conversation.
After drinks and jokes, the party wound down and everyone went to their tents, Ashley I. decided to go to Chris's tent to yammer away at him, mercilessly, about her lack of experience. Funniest line of the night was her telling the camera that she's wife material as she snuck off to Chris's tent. Or her talking about her virginity, saying "He'll have to probe that area later on." You choose which one.

Back at the mansion, Jade got the Cinderella date, and next day when the campers returned Jade got to visit the transformation room. She was given a gorgeous blue dress, diamond earrings, Christian Louboutin shoes, and her own stylist, pink-haired Noni, who always looks the most desperate of anyone on property for the transformation room.
This date was a plug for the movie Cinderella and we were subjected to film clips after Jade was transformed and again on the date. Yawn. The funniest thing was that Ashley I. was beyond the beyond with jealousy over this date. She wanted the diamonds, the dress, the Rolls Royce that picked up Jade! Not a gracious bone in that virgin's body.
The next group date card came with 6 wedding dresses. The girls were to wear these pristine outfits through a muddy obstacle course in San Francisco called Muck Fest. Notice Buffed Jillian was the only one who had a short dress? I did. The others had to hike them up, or get pulled down by weighty mud.
Of course Jillian was destined to win anyhow and got the one on one date for dinner where she couldn't shut up about herself. In triple time, she told Chris the story of her life, her job, her dad, her everything, while Chris composed his shopping list in his head. At a break in the conversation he dove on the rose desperately and told her she was done before he had to sit through more. No rose. Bye bye.
The next day at the rose ceremony, Megan blindfolded the Bachelor to feed him fruit. Huh? We now know that Chris can tell the difference in taste between a raspberry and a banana. ? Ashley I. decided she must clarify that she's a virgin and dragged the poor guy outside to spell it out for him.
Afterwards, she spent at least an hour crying that his reaction wasn't absolutely perfect and she might be done for. Shut up, already! This drama is a good hint as to exactly why she's a virgin.
Chris kissed Carly the singer then gets grilled by Britt about how all the other girls think he's playing favorites with Kaitlyn, someone she doesn't seem fond of. Fastest way to the door, Britt, but then you don't look like an Iowa contender anyhow. Chris is absolutely tongue-tied by her ambush, then has an epiphany and leaves the conversation abruptly.
An interesting note here is that all the mansion's bathrooms have numerous bottles of hairspray and not the pump kind that saves the ozone layer. Hmmmm.
At the ceremony, Britt got her rose last in a not-so-subtle message to lay off the jealousy or else. The girls who went home this week, sadly were Juelia, Nikki and Ashley S. who had some more strange strings of unintelligible thoughts to say to the camera. I'll miss that gal!
Note to producers: You must include Ashley S in the girls tell all. Maybe even make her the next Bachelorette!

Next week is Santa Fe, balloon rides and Kelsey ends up on the floor somewhere with a medic either laughing her fake laugh or writhing in pain. (Fine line).
See you then!

Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, an award-winning novel set in Hawaii that asks the question, what happened the day he never returned home?
She also writes a whimsical series The Husband Hunt, much like The Bachelor. Free on Amazon.

Brokeback Bachelor with Chris Soules and Jimmy Kimmel

Week 3 in The Bachelor had a clever addition to the guest list--Jimmy Kimmel! Stroke of genius for having him shadow both Chrises and poke his nosey nose into the mix.

First good idea: The Amazing Jar. Jimmy set a large jar on the table so that every time someone said "amazing" they owed the jar a dollar. And if you're a Bachelor fan, you know that word gets tossed around as much as the words "journey" and "looking for love." Heck, by the time Jimmy stopped telling the girls he was personally going to make love to each of them to help Chris with his decision, the jar had $3.
First date card was from Jimmy telling Kaitlyn (Canadian) they were going to an exclusive club. Turned out to be Costco and with the shopping list in hand, Chris and Kaitlyn bought a ton of unnecessary stuff that some intern from ABC would have to return later. After goofing around at Costco, they grilled steaks and played house for their guest at Chris's abode.
With the help of a bottle of bourbon, the three laughed uproarishly (Chris giggled in that high girly way) and a great time was had by all. Kaitlyn is funny but then she's Canuck. :) They finished the date with kissing in the hot tub, and the camera panning right to see Jimmy in the corner watching them. #threesome
The group date with twelve girls (12!!!!)  had them competing on a farmer-type race to shuck corn, drink warm goat milk and catch a greased baby pig. The cruise ship singer, Carly, was driven to win this thing and tried to ignore Jillian the buffed body builder who hopped the pig fence in one leap. I think it's super funny that the show continues to block out Jillian's butt in a black rectangle because apparently Jillian LOVES her butt. Carly won and got the amazing ($1) honor of getting her photo taken with Chris in costumes a la American gothic. Wow. Lucky her!
Then off to the rooftop cocktail party where Chris giggled and did some talking, dancing and kissing with all the girls.
Those farmers sure like to kiss! MacKenzie called him out on all the kissing then awkwardly tried to take it back. Jillian looked predatory with her arm around Britt, and Becca had a nice normal talk with Chris and explained why she'll wait to kiss him. Amazing move! ($2) She got a rose.

The one on one went to Whitney the Disney princess-voiced nurse who cried to hear her name on the card. They ended up at a winery and pretended to crash a wedding, on the winery lawn. Rumor has it that the bachelor producers later thanked Nick and Shannon for agreeing to the crash. Did anyone wonder why no one seemed to recognize Chris? Or how the bride didn't come right out and say "we don't know you guys!" Still it was a cute schtick. Whitney redeemed herself as a possible contender but only if she has vocal chord surgery.
The next morning Chris and Jimmy Kimmel showered together thereby creating the hashtag Brokeback Bachelor and Chris headed off the to the Girlie Mansion for a pool party.
The beach balls flew, sunscreen was applied, pecs were flashed (Jillian) and then Juelia took Chris aside to tell him about her husband's suicide. Wa Wa Wa.
The only way to save the party was for Jade to take Chris to his house for a tour. Of the bed! They got down and dirty fast and then on the way out discovered Jillian waiting in the hot tub in her predatory way. Cue the sexy saxophone music. I bet she's a feared news producer. She scares me. When others tried to join them, she vibed them out but they came back eventually.
Back at the mansion, Chris found tearful Ashley I who was upset to not get alone time and all but pulled him off the roof with her in a weird embrace. Now I can believe that she's never had a boyfriend.
At the Rose Ceremony "Pack UP!" Kimmel did an amazing ($3) impersonation of Chris Harrison, and Chris Soules got to work handing out the thornless roses. Ashley I got hers last which is customarily a sign that that girl is hanging on by the skin of her teeth and better buck up.
Apparently she suggested that Chris give her one of the first roses and not make her wait. Cough. Virgin. Cough.
On another note, Ashley S. was super quiet this week but continued to stare vacantly off into nothing. Can't wait to see her on Girls Tell All!

Tomorrow is another episode and I'm excited to see if the Amazing Jar is still there.

Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, an award-winning novel set in Hawaii that asks the question, what happened the day he never returned home?
She also writes a whimsical series The Husband Hunt, much like The Bachelor. Free on Amazon.

Friday, January 23, 2015

The Bachelor Chris Soules is a Giggler!

Note: Due to a recent threat to sue me over a photo used on my blog last year which was purchased by the suing party months after I used it, I'm only using photos that I own now.

Chris Soules, the farmer from Iowa who captured our hearts on The Bachelorette began his journey to love weeks ago, giggling and smiling his way through the first rose ceremony. Since I last blogged there have been two more episodes. Oops! I've been on Maui where I chose to eat Mahi Mahi at beachside restaurants instead of watching Monday TV, but I'm caught up now and WOW!

Here is Week 2:

The second episode of the season picked up at the end of the first rose ceremony, Kimberly (love the name) was eliminated but went back in to grab Chris and begged him to keep her, saying she felt she was meant to stay. Of course his soft heart pooled on the mansion's flagstone to hear this. As the girls shot daggers at Kimberly with their eyes, he told everyone that she'd get another chance. Oh goody, they thought, more competition.

The following morning (or later that morning) Chris Harrison (CH) told the girls that Bachelor Chris is living just down the driveway and all but pushed them out the door to go borrow butter and sugar and whatever other mischief they could get in to.

The first date that day was a group effort asking the girls to show their country. Dressed in cowboy boots, cut offs and bikini's six of them took off in the limos to a downtown L.A. rooftop pool party.  REal country would have had them swimmin' in the crick, don't you agree?After getting wet, they walked along the Los Angeles streets and high rises in their bikinis to a tractor race in a blocked off/deserted concrete jungle area. The Kim Kardashian look alike, Ashley I, who has never had a boyfriend and is a virgin, ( wink  ) won the snail-pace tractor race and got to sit awkwardly on the tractor for an hour-long conversation with Chris. Yee Haw! This date so far was an epic fail, stupid (walking in bikini's) and boring.
Not just that but sitting on hay bales in a bathing suit must've been prickly awful, but Chris got to business and quickly picked McKenzie, the curly-haired single mom, for one on one drinks at a local pub and to talk about aliens and parenting. The others returned home.
Meanwhile, Megan and buffed Jillian snuck into Chris's house to rummage around, prompted by producers I'm sure. Megan banged her head against the wall a few times to test Chris's motorcycle helmet but not much tom foolery was captured on camera.

For the next day's one on one date, Chris chose Megan, the makeup artist, to fly to Las Vegas on a private jet, board a helicopter, and tour the Grand Canyon. They landed at a picturesque river bed to eat, drink and kiss. I spent most of the date wondering if Megan had extensions and how a makeup artist could not know that dark lipstick wasn't flattering on her. Chris ended up in the lipstick soon enough and strangely enough, it was quite flattering on him.

Group Date #2 was a creepy paintball course in the dark with zombies lumbering towards the terrified girls. The only girl who wasn't absolutely freaked out was Ashley S who was too drunk or something to be afraid. She moved about the set like a zombie herself and how she couldn't get a real sentence out of her mouth yet managed to stalk and shoot zombies, was beyond me. By now it's obvious that she's either mentally WAAYY out there or on something hallucinogenic and I'd vote for the latter. Some people have amazing balance when wired. Here's an example of Ashley S's ability to make sense:
Chris: How are you holding up?
Ashley: I don't even know what that means.
Chris: Just how are you?
Ashley: Are we in a dome?

As the Canadian girl, Kaitlyn said, she shouldn't have had a weapon in her hands. "She shouldn't even be holding a wet noodle." Meanwhile Jordan back at the house had been drinking since she arrived and in a drunken stupor tried to twerk on the wall. The liquor supply this year must be quite something.

The rose ceremony, which I like to call "Go Packup!" had the ladies lining up, desperately trying to catch Farmer Chris's eyes and hear their names. Buffed Jillian slipped when she only thought she heard her name and tried to retreat in embarrassment. Cue the nervous giggling. Thankfully she ended with a rose and saved face. Kimberly did not. Nor did the tall cowgirl, or Tandra, or a brunette that didn't get much airtime. Surprisingly enough, Ashley S got a rose. Chris must see something in the wigged out talker. I keep thinking it's a joke and we'll hear that she's Chris's cousin and was planted for inside info. Why else would he keep her with all the wackadoodle talk?

Tomorrow I will post my take on Week 3 which was January 19th's show. In the meantime, if you're having problems remembering who's who on the show, this might help:

Britt - First Impression, Often seen with arms around Jillian
Jillian - Excerciser, Often seen with arms around Britt
Kaitlyn- Canadian, Sailor mouth
Whitney - Blonde with Disney princess voice
Tara- Tall Cowgirl
Juelia - Has daughter, husband dead
Jordan - Drunk Blonde
Ashley S - Wide-eyed blonde spouting gibberish
Ashley I - Kim Kardashian with belly ring
Jade - Quiet Brunette with freckles
Becca - Blonde with white teeth
Nikki - One of the brunettes ?
Samantha - Brunette with striking blue eyes
Kelsey - short hair, cardigans
Carly- Cruise ship singer
Tandra - Tall Blonde?

Hope this explains a few things. It'll get easier every week.

Kim Hornsby is a novelist with bestselling The Dream Jumper's Promise, having over 60,000 downloads on Amazon and 235 reviews. She writes a series based on The Bachelor called The Husband Hunt, novellas that are available on Amazon, the first one free!

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Suncadia Writer's Retreat near Seattle!

Suncadia Writers’ Retreat

Back by popular demand!
March 20-22nd Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon

Suncadia Washington, 90 minutes east of Seattle

Come to Write*Clear Your Head*Network*Plot Your Novel*Get Inspired

East of the Cascade Mountains, overlooking a myriad of golf courses, is a resort development named Suncadia. The annual retreat takes place in a mountain lodge-style home where writers gather to exchange ideas, plot their next book, and write in the peacefulness of the surrounding forest.

Join us for the second annual Suncadia Writers’ Retreat for two full days and two nights of solitude and networking with other writers. 

$200 includes:

Both nights accommodation in a comfortable bed (private beds will be twin-sized in a shared room or bunk room, couples and friendly friends might get queen or king. Specify when registering if you can share a bed, and with whom.) All House amenities (pool and spa usage at the main Lodge)

Friday Dinner - Pizza Bar with Veggie and Gluten free options

2 Continental Breakfasts - coffee/tea station, fruit, muffins/pastries

Lunch - Salads, bagels & cheese

Saturday Dinner - Grilled Salmon and Chicken, Bread and Salad, Dessert

Participants are asked to bring their own beverages and anything else to supplement the skeleton menu to suit their dietary needs. (Candy, Alcohol, Gluten free)

Retreat Schedule 

Friday 4-6 Arrival, Settle In, Go for Walk, Network

            6-7  Pizza Dinner Party - BYOB

            7-8 Roundtable to Discuss Writing Goals

             8-10 Hot Tub, Fire Pit, Write, Discuss

Saturday 7-10 Breakfast

               10-12 Quiet Time in House to write (Shhh)

               12-1 Lunch

               1-2 Optional Workshop in Great Room on Characterization w Christine Fairchild

               1- 4 Quiet Time to write,

               4-5 Break to go for walks, talk, hot tub, network

               5- 6 Happy Hour and Roundtable discussion

               6- 8 Dinner

               8-10 Firepit Topic: To be announced

                       Hot tub Topic: To be announced

Sunday 7-11 Brunch/Write - Optional Marketing Workshop w Kim Hornsby

             11-12 Pack and Checkout


What to Bring: Laptop or Tablet or Notebook and Pen, Extension Cord, Earplugs, Supplementary Food and Drinks, Warm coat and walking shoes, Comfy clothes, Toiletries

Transportation: We can car pool there on Friday. Just let me know you’re interested and we’ll set this up the week before.

The House: Deluxe Accommodations includes all bedding, WiFi and many amenities such as a hot tub, fireplace, full chef’s kitchen and more. The house rental will be determined by the number of participants, but here’s a possibility.:

 Email me at KimHornsby at yahoo dot com

Send your check (either deposit or full amount) to
 Kim Hornsby, 3128 2014th Court NE, Sammamish, WA 98074

Hope to see you at Suncadia!



Kim Hornsby


Wednesday, January 7, 2015

The Bachelor Begins!

Readers: The photos have been removed because of the threat of a lawsuit from a Copyright troller on the internet. They buy a popular photo and then threaten to sue you if you use it. apparently it's a new business. Until I figure out how to afford photos or find free photos of The Bachelor, I'm leaving out the pics. :(

Monday night had us Bachelor fans eagerly parked in front of the HDTV waiting for the event that got us through the busy Christmas season, gave us reason to get up Monday morning with a smile, and kept us humming all day.
The Bachelor is back!
And Farmer Chris, who we really liked on The Bachelorette, is the guy looking for his wife this winter and describing this experience as the best opportunity a man could have. Um... Okay. I guess Chris never wanted to be an astronaut on an expedition to the moon or to eat a Klondike bar. But I'm getting ahead of myself in both story and in anticipation because the producers of The Bachelor got a cockamamie idea to milk this for all they could and made us sit through an hour of watching everyone arrive at the tin sound stage building which was as interesting and thrilling as watching glue harden. I switched to Celebrity Apprentice where I developed a new dislike for the smarmy, full of himself Geraldo Rivera. OMG. He needs to be taken down a notch or twenty.

My hubby watched The Bachelor's first hour, a red-carpet/interviewing fiasco with fans behind ropes and Chris Harrison catching Bachelor alumni/family/stars on the way in to the viewing which probably happened last week, you understand. He asked the 'stars' the same old questions he always asks them about when's the wedding, how do you like me?, that type of thing.
I drifted in and out of the room but was too bored/disgusted to sit down and watch. Just as well because the Bachelor people (not contestants but paid employees like Chris H.) can't stop running off their mouths about Juan Pablo. Never, in the history of the Bachelor has one man made so many lower level producers so furious and hateful, it seems. I did catch C.H,'s drilling on Nikki over how she could have made such a horrible mistake in dating Juan Pablo. Sheesh, it's like high school over there at Bachelor headquarters. I imagine the less mature producers are egging Chris on and laughing behind the camera like they got the nerd to make a fool out of himself again on camera. That or C.H. has a real vendetta out for J.P. and cannot get over it to save his career. You'd think Juan Pablo threatened to burn down Bachelor Pad or something the way they can't let the legend of J.P. go. A statement has been made, C.H. We know you hate him. Move on.

Here's my quickish recap of the first night of Chris Soules, the dashing farmer/entrepreneur from Iowa's Bachelor season.
There were a lot of ladies coming out of limousines in everything from gowns and cocktail dresses to almost underwear and short shorts. The first fifteen ladies were greeted by Chris and then a small party ensued in the mansion. Where were the other ladies? Could the Bachelor producers have changed the format of the show? By this point in the franchise, everyone has heard of The Bachelor except those living on that satellite in space where they measure atmospheric anomalies. There's supposed to be 25 girls. The ladies were restless but not nearly as restless as they became when the final 15 arrived in more limousines and then there were girls absolutely everywhere.One even rode up on a motorcycle. Of course she did. There were girls teaching Chris to dance, girls telling him that they are crazy-obsessed with him, girls getting drunk on Jack Daniels (think cowboy boots and short shorts) and girls singing badly on a portable karaoke machine.
Bless that Iowa boy for trying to talk to every single girl!

Several stood out to me and to Chris as well because he picked his 15 or was that 20? and sent the rest packing, including the girl with the big eyes and anyone who seemed a little too obsessed with him already. Wait, no, those girls got to stay. By the time filming stopped that night, it was noon the next day according to the sun dial in amongst the fake flowers in the yard. Did you notice how bright the sun was after the rose ceremony? One of the ousted, named Kimberley, just couldn't believe that she was leaving and went back inside to talk to Chris.
That's where we pick up next week; with Chris discussing the possibility of her joining the filly paddock, I mean the hopefuls, to vie for Chris' heart.
I like the first impression rose gal, Britt (who didn't?) and the girl with the short brown hair curled (such guts to not die it blonde and get extensions for the show!) Who did you like?

See y'all next week where I'll have had time to think up some Iowa farming jokes and references and maybe to forgive the Canuck girl for a tasteless reference to plowing, and then a stupid tasteless joke at the party. Those Canadians!

See you next week.

Kim Hornsby is a Bestselling author with novel available on Amazon. She also writes a novella series, The Husband Hunt, that resembles The Bachelor. But what she's most known for is her housekeeping skills.