Last night on The Bachelor we watched a date card arrive for a bevvy of ladies that said "Let's do what feels natural" that had most of the bevvy freaking in case they had to go without makeup. The ladies checked each other's hair extensions, applied false eyelashes and lipstick and headed out on the date in two vintage Pontiac convertibles to a lake. Or what Kelsey, the guidance counselor called a "hell hole" and "dingy pond" as she frowned her way through the group date's swimming portion.
I admit anyone on a group date with the Virgin Ashley has cause to complain but Kelsey was a downright downer. They swam, played with beach balls, posed on blow up air mattresses and suddenly Ashley got topless. Not to be outdone, Kaitlyn from Canada went bottomless. Such free spirits, those silly girls. While Kelsey listed her complaints, a bee had finally had enough whining and stung her. Elan, the producer with the wild hair, ran over to help but apparently Kelsey did not want Elan Gale examining her inner thigh. Nice try.
While all this was going on, Chris's three sisters had flown in (one from as far away as Ireland) to interview the remaining gals to see which one was best suited for the 'Cinderella' date that was planned with Chris the next night. After waking a snoring Jillian at the pool, the sisters took each candidate to another room and grilled them, job interview style.
Speaking of grilling, back at the lake Chris informed the women that they'd all be staying overnight, camping! This was not great news for the heavily made up girls who needed to get back to the mansion to their supply of eyelashes and face powder. I was laughing hysterically inside because this was a wonderful idea to weed out the gals who won't survive in Iowa. Ha ha ha. Still laughing.
The Canadian was wearing combat boots and had just flashed the camera her tushie and she loves to camp. (most of us do, or at least we like the campfire part-- and beer.) But Ashley I. went into panic mode.
Tents went up, (eventually MacKenzie and Ashley I. got theirs erected and the grilling began. See? This is my tie in from two paragraphs ago. Chris grilled steaks and the booze was brought out. The funniest scene of the night was with Ashley S. who got wired fast or was still wired, or is just that way naturally, and she wanted music around the campfire. Grabbing Juelia to help, she sang everyone's favorite campfire song -- "hold it, thumbs together, ta tee ta tee ta tee ta ta." What? The scene made me think that Kristen Wiig should play Ashley S. in the movie. Then Chris tried to talk privately to Ashley S. up on a hill. It went like this:
Ash: What are you? What?
Chris: What am I?
Ash: Well I know you're Scorpio. Look the moon. I love you.
And then it went downhill. Literally. More gibberish and then they went down a steep hill while the campfire girls watched like ambulance chasers. As I've told you before, Ashley S. has amazing balance and stayed upright even though she couldn't muster up a conversation.
After drinks and jokes, the party wound down and everyone went to their tents, Ashley I. decided to go to Chris's tent to yammer away at him, mercilessly, about her lack of experience. Funniest line of the night was her telling the camera that she's wife material as she snuck off to Chris's tent. Or her talking about her virginity, saying "He'll have to probe that area later on." You choose which one.
This date was a plug for the movie Cinderella and we were subjected to film clips after Jade was transformed and again on the date. Yawn. The funniest thing was that Ashley I. was beyond the beyond with jealousy over this date. She wanted the diamonds, the dress, the Rolls Royce that picked up Jade! Not a gracious bone in that virgin's body.
The next group date card came with 6 wedding dresses. The girls were to wear these pristine outfits through a muddy obstacle course in San Francisco called Muck Fest. Notice Buffed Jillian was the only one who had a short dress? I did. The others had to hike them up, or get pulled down by weighty mud.
Chris kissed Carly the singer then gets grilled by Britt about how all the other girls think he's playing favorites with Kaitlyn, someone she doesn't seem fond of. Fastest way to the door, Britt, but then you don't look like an Iowa contender anyhow. Chris is absolutely tongue-tied by her ambush, then has an epiphany and leaves the conversation abruptly.
An interesting note here is that all the mansion's bathrooms have numerous bottles of hairspray and not the pump kind that saves the ozone layer. Hmmmm.
Note to producers: You must include Ashley S in the girls tell all. Maybe even make her the next Bachelorette!
Next week is Santa Fe, balloon rides and Kelsey ends up on the floor somewhere with a medic either laughing her fake laugh or writhing in pain. (Fine line).
See you then!
Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, an award-winning novel set in Hawaii that asks the question, what happened the day he never returned home?
She also writes a whimsical series The Husband Hunt, much like The Bachelor. Free on Amazon.