Sunday, September 21, 2014

Bachelor Withdrawl-Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I haven't had the heart to blog lately because Bachelor in Paradise is over. Yes, it was a meaningless, silly show with little to add to the world's problems but it was good entertainment on Monday nights. Hey, we have lots to think about the other 6 days of the week that isn't mindless fun, why not have some fun on Mondays?
I want to love Dancing with the Stars as much as anything that The Bachelor franchise puts out but I just don't. Even though their contestants are actually working hard and talented, it just doesn't do it for me. I'm counting Mondays until January when Chris Soules will steal our hearts and our Mondays.
In the meantime, I'm kind of cyber-stalking the Bachelor producers, tweeting them, reading their tweets and making deductions. I even emailed them to suggest the Michelle Money show, only to find out that she has a stupid youtube show about hair, makeup, veneers, with her friend. Oh, and I'm semi-stalking the Bachelor Interns too. It keeps my hand in the pie, my foot in the door and my name on the "do not FRIEND under any circumstances" list.
Remember that hairy big guy who had a flying spider in his hair while he was interviewing Michelle Money? Well, his name is Elan Gale and he's a stand up comedian. He was at Bumbershoot in Seattle on Labor Day and I could've gone to see him. On twitter, he was practically begging people to come watch his show and I didn't. Not that I could've left my suburban life to physically stalk anyone, because I'm a mother, but I almost met a Bachelor producer. He's in love with Taylor Swift so my tweets tell him to shave and stuff. I'm kind of helping him. I know this because he favorites some of my tweets. This is the type of stuff he tweets:

elan gale               11h
A fun hobby is removing all the toilet paper from the restaurant's only bathroom just to see how everyone deals with it
 This guy is funny! And he quit drinking and has lost 20 pounds since then. (see how much I'm learning?)
There are a bunch of producers, besides the big guy, Mike Fleiss and the host, Chris B. Harrison. There's even a married couple with a baby who are friends with Molly and Jason, one of the only successful couples to come out of the Bachelor franchise. They mostly look like Peace Corps people in countries where there's no access to razors. Here's a good example. Guess which one goes behind the camera and which one goes in front. In a previous blog I called him the hairy, unkempt guy but I think it's just the direct contrast to the contestants who are so incredibly coiffed to an inch of their physical lives, that makes the behind the scenes people look strange. They actually look like the rest of us sitting at home, watching the show. Except my beard is blonde.

One female producer has a foundation that provides water to remote regions in Africa!  

This is her producer husband, who goes by the name BeetSaladBar and seems like a very nice man. On this particular day, he didn't like his new haircut and had to wear a hat. I retain knowledge when I want to, yes I do!

Many of the producers are friends with cast members. At least on twitter. Michelle Money is friends with Elan Gale. So is Sarah Heron. No one is friends with Kalon or Jesse Kovacs, and rightfully so. But, Chris Bukowski is still in the loop, even though he and Elise split a week after he asked her to leave BIP with him to pursue true love. She barely got time to carry his luggage up the stairs to his Chicago apartment, make him dinner and rub his shoulders before he broke up with her.
The other day they asked for fans to email questions and Chris Harrison might read them aloud on T.V. in January! Of course I went right to email and formulated my question. I didn't want to sound stalky or needy so I simply asked if I could come visit their set sometime and meet everyone. I promised to not tell Reality Steve what I saw. They haven't replied yet but I'm ready to fly to L.A. when they give me the all clear. I also wrote them a proposal for the Michelle Money show where she lives in L.A. with Cody and her daughter and pretends to be a dog psychic to rich people. She talks to the camera a lot about funny stuff. I basically did their job for them and haven't heard a thing. Yet.
In the meantime, I'll have to resort to reading Reality Steve's blog to see what he knows about the filming of The Bachelor. And hovering over twitter accounts to get any information, any inside joke, any crumb I can about what's going on in Bachelor world.

(If you are a neighbor of mine and are now feeling badly for my children, imagine my tongue firmly planted in my cheek.)

Kim Hornsby is an award winning, Amazon Bestselling Author who blogs instead of doing housework and caring for the children.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise Finale--Breakups & Startups

Bachelor in Paradise is over. All the playa fun has come to a crashing halt, people are back home (have been for months) and relationships that began on the show are done. Or are they?
If you haven't skipped ahead and have avoided all the news articles about who's still together, last night's finale might have had some great surprises.
We pick up where we left off last week. Chris Harrison has just announced to the cast that if they don't see forever in their relationships, break up now. "Don't try and fool me," he warns, like couples are going to risk whatever is coming next just to get one past ole Chris.
The genders split up and go to separate palapas, the men ending up in #97 to talk it out, the women in the papaya palapa on the playa.
Did I miss the part where they were told to stay with their gender, not couple up to talk it out? Ashlee's expression darkens but not as dark as the blush she's used on her chest area to make cleavage. #makeupmalfunction In Ashlee's mind, she's happy with Graham. Things are all roses and unicorns in her happy world but Graham feels otherwise, especially after his BFF Michelle Money orders him to break up with Ash, like Graham doesn't have his own brain.
He trusts Double M and cuts AshLee loose, which actually was kind of sad. She gets immediately into the exit vehicle, not stopping to get her suitcase full of cute headbands and fringe vests. Graham gets hugs from his Bro contingent, packs and goes. Jackie doesn't know Zack well enough to sign a contract saying she's going to stay with this guy until she dies and they break up, Christy and Tasos too. The traffic from Tulum to the airport thickens with BIP alumni. I have to think they are all going to spend the night at the same hotel and talk in the bar anyhow, don't you? Maybe not AshLee. She looked blindsided and instead of her happy face and bitch face, she now has a new facial expression--very sad. I felt badly for her and almost forgot what mad face looks like. Oh yea.

Sarah and Robert are still together, holding tight and happy, but Michelle, who loves drama and face time on camera, is filled with emotion and worry that Cody is or is not THE one. She phones her nine year old for love advice. Surprisingly, the kid sounds more mature than Double M and gives her some solid hints at how to tell if he's for you.
Back at the orange couch in the palapa papaya on the playa, Chris H tells these last three couples what he thinks of their coupling combinations. I squirmed to hear him say he was thrilled about Sarah and Robert and surprised by Cody and Michelle and touched by Marcus and Lacy. (I guess no one remembers Lacy dropping Marcus for Robert two weeks earlier.) I think Chris H fancies himself a relationship expert.
I pictured the Bachelor Producers in a secret room watching 27 cameras and analyzing the relationships.
The next step was date cards for overnight dates in fantasy suites but Michelle isn't sure. She's a mom! She can't rush into anything.
When she decides to go with Cody for the whole night, without cameras, she asks Cody "You know you're not getting laid tonight, right?" She doesn't want to give her heart away easily but doesn't mind saying some funny/crass stuff on TV. Go Double M! He grins like she's the cutest thing he's ever seen. These two might just be a good combo after all. He gets her. That Double M--she's a huckleberry.
One couple goes to Dreams Resort, one to ZenSerenity and Michelle and Cody head off to a private suite somewhere to presumably talk all night.
In the morning, the three couples meet up back on the couch but Robert and Sarah have had a strange night with him sleeping in his jeans, avoiding her on the far side of the big bed. To see Lacy and Marcus look like they've just cemented the deal and then Cody and Michelle walk in like he's the best lover she's ever had, Sarah wonders what's wrong with her. If Michelle hadn't grandstanded about her new boyfriend and how his muscles match what he's got down below, Sarah and Robert might have weathered the storm. BUT, Sarah pulls Robert aside to say she felt unloved, without flat-out asking him why he refused her advancement to take off those jeans. Girl, you guys are used to sleeping in clothes, you have to spell it out for him. He's a nice guy. Maybe he was scared.
If she'd just asked him why. If he'd just told her the truth. If those two could communicate like people in their twenties instead of tweenagers, they might have made it but they couldn't. Robert was very hurt and seemed to not know what Sarah was saying. He left saying he gave it his best shot.
Personally, I thought a relationship counsellor could've come in to help them at this point, and that would've been fun to watch. But no. Sarah left crying her eyes out, and now they are going to run into each other everywhere, seeing they live within two minutes of each other back home.

Speaking of counsellors, Chris brings in some surprise guests with advice on how to transition from the Bachelor set to real life--Des and Chris, Sean and Catherine and Molly and Jason.
The couples talk to Michody and Marcy (see what I did there? This is called shipping -- relationshipping), and give them some words of wisdom.
The final rose ceremony has Marcus getting down on one knee, pulling out a Neil Lane box and proposing to Lacy. We knew they were engaged, right. So this wasn't a big surprise. What was a surprise was that Neil Lane had time to fly in. Cody accepts Michelle's final rose like there was any doubt and all five couples walk off into the sunset beach laughing and talking like they are off camera, leave Chris in his Miami Vice suit to clean up the wreckage of Bachelor in Paradise.

But wait. There's bloopers and those cute little what are they all doing now moments. With tongue planted firmly in cheek the BIP producers show the raccoon who still wants to get on TV, Robert, who still sleeps in his jeans, Kalon wearing a I Love Juan Pablo T-shirt, Sarah is trying to get over her broken heart, Graham is healing, AshLee is trying to mend her image seeing 10 million people think she's a ding dong, Cody is training the next Bachelor, Chris Soules, and I'm thinking they'll all see each other at the next alumni fundraiser or cruise. See this one in Toronto last weekend?
Bloopers involve lots of bug shots, Double M singing, and me wondering for the last time why this franchise doesn't turn Michelle's life into a reality show. Did you know she is an actress with movie credits? She has a movie in post production now. Not leads but speaking parts. And she had movie credits before her first Bachelor appearance in 2011. She even did the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition a few years ago.
Now that she has Cody, there is more to watch besides doing makeup, hair and choosing costumes to wear as she take advice from a nine-year old child. AND, if Cody works out, she will never do another Bachelor show again. Someone is gonna get this girl on TV and it might as well be you guys.
Come on, Chris Harrison. I know you read this blog. Do it!

Kim Hornsby is a bestselling novelist of Suspense Fiction. She also pens 2 hour reads that resemble watching a season of The Bachelor. The first one The Husband Hunt--Jaxie's Mistake is free on Amazon if you want to try one. Come on. You know you want to. Just one.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise -Two Men go Home

The Labor Day installment of Bachelor in Paradise opens with Sarah telling the camera that Jackie and Christy drink a lot. Duh. They happen to be the two females not exactly spoken for after the last rose ceremony. The way you tell if you are spoken for is if your man threatens to kill the new guy if he asks you on a date.
More on that in a minute. So until these two get a man, they are either free to drink a lot or are drowning their sorrows in alcohol. Until further notice, they are the party girls.
Michelle then tells the cameras that Cody went from 0 to 60 mph in love and she is just not there yet. He's not her type. Girlfriend, to get to Cody's level of adoration you kind of have to be sixteen years old and in love with a supermodel. Michelle isn't buying what Cody is selling but she might be interested if he just camps on her porch for awhile and waits for her to decide she needs what he's selling.

The first date card goes to Marcus and Lacy, and again Sarah zings one off by saying "they'll probably get married and have tan babies." Their date involves a hole in the ground at Dos Ojos and a ladder. At the bottom of the ladder are stalaglights, I mean stalagments, or is it stalegtites? Doesn't matter, Lacy is impressed by those big things hanging from the ceiling of this cave. But wait, there are bats and she hates those things. Marcus will protect her but first he's going to shine the light right at them to stir them up.
Once through an underground lake probably filled with bat guano, the lovebirds have a margarita on a couch and Lacy says the L word. No, she's not a lesbian, she LOVES him! The wildlife in the jungle rejoices, flocks of birds take to the skies in celebration.

At the Casa, Michelle is taking love advice from Jesse which makes her just as stupid as stalaglight girl, or more. Where was everyone else, or is Jesse the only one who hasn't seen you cry about love? Sheesh. As she wonders how to handle the muscular man, Cody lifts boulders on the beach.
Brooks Forrester arrives with a date card and Sarah is really confused because she actually came to BIP hoping he'd be there. She's crushing. Oh no!
Robert senses something in the air and tells Brooks that he'll kill him if he asks Sarah on the date and the threat works. Of course we don't take Robert seriously because he has that Liam Hemsworth look and also because next says "She's my baby," in a funny voice. He wouldn't kill Brooks, would he?
Brooks asks Jackie instead, who dresses like a Greek goddess and they head off to dinner in town at the Casa Banana. If Cody is a manly brute, then Brooks is the opposite. Brooks is a fashionable dandy. But Jackie likes his fancy ways. I think Brooks might be a model, or if not, he sure has a lot of modely photos online. (See the denim outfit)

Sidebar: Guys love Jackie, cute little girl-next-door type who doesn't kiss on the first date but plays foosball like she has a lot of brothers. Zack, who came to BIP hoping Jackie might be there, is jealous of Brooks and goes to the beach to think when the daters arrive back at the Casa. Sarah, who flirts with Brooks takes Robert aside to find out what his intentions are and is tickled that he wants to date her when this is all over. Phew!
Michelle wears eight strands of pearls, full makeup and her sour face to a beach bonfire on bean bag chairs, as Cody tries to explain his enthusiasm for her. Boiled down--Cody: "I'm just me." Michelle: "I adore you."

The Bachelor censors work overtime bleeping a conversation with Christy and Michelle who reveals that Lucy and Jesse had ____ in the limo and she ____ him and he ____her.
Christy concludes that Jesse is a misogynistic pig or something like that and thinks of going home until sweet Tasos arrives and asks her on a date to a conservation area.
They float down a river with turtles to a picnic on a dock where he tries hard to not kiss her because she talks about being screwed over.
 Meanwhile, Jesse is back at the Casa calling Tasos "Taco" and generally shooting off his mouth and bragging like he's going for the A-hole award.
The next date card goes to Zack who AshLee feels is the wrong choice. What is up with this girl who seems to have an evil plan behind everything she does? She is in tears about Graham not getting a date, maybe because she knows her days are numbered with the guy she stalks on Instagram. We still haven't seen who ends up in handcuffs but her wrists are slim.
On the date, Zack and Jackie descend into the Gran Cenote Cave where they swim and kiss and try to develop a "romantical relationship". Yesterday a Bachelor Intern tweeted that he torturously dragged a bed through the cave but Zack and Jackie use it. They have a meaningful talk (along with a margarita,) in which Zack says he wasted his time with Clare. Zing. Right through the heart, Clare. Ouch. She shoulda gone out with Cody when he begged. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Maybe Clare will be on Dancing with the Stars, like she said. I feel bad for her.
The next night it's storming during the Rose Ceremony the palm trees blowing inside out, the rain coming down sideways. At the rose room, the Sleazeball (Jesse) is name calling and being a class A dick, saying he needs the dumb blonde's vote or he'll go home.
I kind of wished one of the men would deck him until I saw what the women did in a wonderful show of solidarity and girl power. Taking Jesse down on camera is far worse than a punch to the jaw because the whole nation now knows Jesse Kovac's true character. When Sleazeball realizes that Christy knows about he and Lucy ____ in the limo and realizes no matter how he spins the conversation with the dumb blonde, he won't get a rose, he quits the show. But not before Christy, Michelle and Lacy confront him in the exit limo and get in their two cents about what kind of man he is. I was hoping for a really scathing speech but instead we got bits and pieces of three women telling him what he did was wrong. Poor Christy wanted so much to redeem herself and still, her parting words were "have a nice flight." Even if it was said sarcastically, she should have said something that had to be bleeped.
Driving away, Jesse mused that his inbox would be full of invitations to parties from Bachelor Alumni. I guess that's what matters--those emails. It was good to see the back of him.
At the rose ceremony, Christy gave Tasos her rose and Zack got the rose from Jackie after giving her a wish bracelet and saying "I'm into u." Brooks drove away after 30 hours on the show and Chris B. Harrison moved in to make an announcement. That was the final rose ceremony and there will be no more date cards, and it's all about to get really intense.
The previews show a lot of crying, not just from Michelle this time, and shocked expressions. Will the couples that exist weather the storm of what is to come? Fun and games are over. What do you think will happen? I say they will put the relationships to the test and maybe even bring in Neil Lane!

See you next week, Bachelor Nation.

Kim Hornsby is a serious suspense author in the Seattle area, where she lunches with celebrities and has her assistant keep the pool at 90 degrees.