Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise Finale--Breakups & Startups

Bachelor in Paradise is over. All the playa fun has come to a crashing halt, people are back home (have been for months) and relationships that began on the show are done. Or are they?
If you haven't skipped ahead and have avoided all the news articles about who's still together, last night's finale might have had some great surprises.
We pick up where we left off last week. Chris Harrison has just announced to the cast that if they don't see forever in their relationships, break up now. "Don't try and fool me," he warns, like couples are going to risk whatever is coming next just to get one past ole Chris.
The genders split up and go to separate palapas, the men ending up in #97 to talk it out, the women in the papaya palapa on the playa.
Did I miss the part where they were told to stay with their gender, not couple up to talk it out? Ashlee's expression darkens but not as dark as the blush she's used on her chest area to make cleavage. #makeupmalfunction In Ashlee's mind, she's happy with Graham. Things are all roses and unicorns in her happy world but Graham feels otherwise, especially after his BFF Michelle Money orders him to break up with Ash, like Graham doesn't have his own brain.
He trusts Double M and cuts AshLee loose, which actually was kind of sad. She gets immediately into the exit vehicle, not stopping to get her suitcase full of cute headbands and fringe vests. Graham gets hugs from his Bro contingent, packs and goes. Jackie doesn't know Zack well enough to sign a contract saying she's going to stay with this guy until she dies and they break up, Christy and Tasos too. The traffic from Tulum to the airport thickens with BIP alumni. I have to think they are all going to spend the night at the same hotel and talk in the bar anyhow, don't you? Maybe not AshLee. She looked blindsided and instead of her happy face and bitch face, she now has a new facial expression--very sad. I felt badly for her and almost forgot what mad face looks like. Oh yea.

Sarah and Robert are still together, holding tight and happy, but Michelle, who loves drama and face time on camera, is filled with emotion and worry that Cody is or is not THE one. She phones her nine year old for love advice. Surprisingly, the kid sounds more mature than Double M and gives her some solid hints at how to tell if he's for you.
Back at the orange couch in the palapa papaya on the playa, Chris H tells these last three couples what he thinks of their coupling combinations. I squirmed to hear him say he was thrilled about Sarah and Robert and surprised by Cody and Michelle and touched by Marcus and Lacy. (I guess no one remembers Lacy dropping Marcus for Robert two weeks earlier.) I think Chris H fancies himself a relationship expert.
I pictured the Bachelor Producers in a secret room watching 27 cameras and analyzing the relationships.
The next step was date cards for overnight dates in fantasy suites but Michelle isn't sure. She's a mom! She can't rush into anything.
When she decides to go with Cody for the whole night, without cameras, she asks Cody "You know you're not getting laid tonight, right?" She doesn't want to give her heart away easily but doesn't mind saying some funny/crass stuff on TV. Go Double M! He grins like she's the cutest thing he's ever seen. These two might just be a good combo after all. He gets her. That Double M--she's a huckleberry.
One couple goes to Dreams Resort, one to ZenSerenity and Michelle and Cody head off to a private suite somewhere to presumably talk all night.
In the morning, the three couples meet up back on the couch but Robert and Sarah have had a strange night with him sleeping in his jeans, avoiding her on the far side of the big bed. To see Lacy and Marcus look like they've just cemented the deal and then Cody and Michelle walk in like he's the best lover she's ever had, Sarah wonders what's wrong with her. If Michelle hadn't grandstanded about her new boyfriend and how his muscles match what he's got down below, Sarah and Robert might have weathered the storm. BUT, Sarah pulls Robert aside to say she felt unloved, without flat-out asking him why he refused her advancement to take off those jeans. Girl, you guys are used to sleeping in clothes, you have to spell it out for him. He's a nice guy. Maybe he was scared.
If she'd just asked him why. If he'd just told her the truth. If those two could communicate like people in their twenties instead of tweenagers, they might have made it but they couldn't. Robert was very hurt and seemed to not know what Sarah was saying. He left saying he gave it his best shot.
Personally, I thought a relationship counsellor could've come in to help them at this point, and that would've been fun to watch. But no. Sarah left crying her eyes out, and now they are going to run into each other everywhere, seeing they live within two minutes of each other back home.

Speaking of counsellors, Chris brings in some surprise guests with advice on how to transition from the Bachelor set to real life--Des and Chris, Sean and Catherine and Molly and Jason.
The couples talk to Michody and Marcy (see what I did there? This is called shipping -- relationshipping), and give them some words of wisdom.
The final rose ceremony has Marcus getting down on one knee, pulling out a Neil Lane box and proposing to Lacy. We knew they were engaged, right. So this wasn't a big surprise. What was a surprise was that Neil Lane had time to fly in. Cody accepts Michelle's final rose like there was any doubt and all five couples walk off into the sunset beach laughing and talking like they are off camera, leave Chris in his Miami Vice suit to clean up the wreckage of Bachelor in Paradise.

But wait. There's bloopers and those cute little what are they all doing now moments. With tongue planted firmly in cheek the BIP producers show the raccoon who still wants to get on TV, Robert, who still sleeps in his jeans, Kalon wearing a I Love Juan Pablo T-shirt, Sarah is trying to get over her broken heart, Graham is healing, AshLee is trying to mend her image seeing 10 million people think she's a ding dong, Cody is training the next Bachelor, Chris Soules, and I'm thinking they'll all see each other at the next alumni fundraiser or cruise. See this one in Toronto last weekend?
Bloopers involve lots of bug shots, Double M singing, and me wondering for the last time why this franchise doesn't turn Michelle's life into a reality show. Did you know she is an actress with movie credits? She has a movie in post production now. Not leads but speaking parts. And she had movie credits before her first Bachelor appearance in 2011. She even did the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition a few years ago.
Now that she has Cody, there is more to watch besides doing makeup, hair and choosing costumes to wear as she take advice from a nine-year old child. AND, if Cody works out, she will never do another Bachelor show again. Someone is gonna get this girl on TV and it might as well be you guys.
Come on, Chris Harrison. I know you read this blog. Do it!

Kim Hornsby is a bestselling novelist of Suspense Fiction. She also pens 2 hour reads that resemble watching a season of The Bachelor. The first one The Husband Hunt--Jaxie's Mistake is free on Amazon if you want to try one. Come on. You know you want to. Just one.

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