Sunday, September 21, 2014

Bachelor Withdrawl-Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I haven't had the heart to blog lately because Bachelor in Paradise is over. Yes, it was a meaningless, silly show with little to add to the world's problems but it was good entertainment on Monday nights. Hey, we have lots to think about the other 6 days of the week that isn't mindless fun, why not have some fun on Mondays?
I want to love Dancing with the Stars as much as anything that The Bachelor franchise puts out but I just don't. Even though their contestants are actually working hard and talented, it just doesn't do it for me. I'm counting Mondays until January when Chris Soules will steal our hearts and our Mondays.
In the meantime, I'm kind of cyber-stalking the Bachelor producers, tweeting them, reading their tweets and making deductions. I even emailed them to suggest the Michelle Money show, only to find out that she has a stupid youtube show about hair, makeup, veneers, with her friend. Oh, and I'm semi-stalking the Bachelor Interns too. It keeps my hand in the pie, my foot in the door and my name on the "do not FRIEND under any circumstances" list.
Remember that hairy big guy who had a flying spider in his hair while he was interviewing Michelle Money? Well, his name is Elan Gale and he's a stand up comedian. He was at Bumbershoot in Seattle on Labor Day and I could've gone to see him. On twitter, he was practically begging people to come watch his show and I didn't. Not that I could've left my suburban life to physically stalk anyone, because I'm a mother, but I almost met a Bachelor producer. He's in love with Taylor Swift so my tweets tell him to shave and stuff. I'm kind of helping him. I know this because he favorites some of my tweets. This is the type of stuff he tweets:

elan gale               11h
A fun hobby is removing all the toilet paper from the restaurant's only bathroom just to see how everyone deals with it
 This guy is funny! And he quit drinking and has lost 20 pounds since then. (see how much I'm learning?)
There are a bunch of producers, besides the big guy, Mike Fleiss and the host, Chris B. Harrison. There's even a married couple with a baby who are friends with Molly and Jason, one of the only successful couples to come out of the Bachelor franchise. They mostly look like Peace Corps people in countries where there's no access to razors. Here's a good example. Guess which one goes behind the camera and which one goes in front. In a previous blog I called him the hairy, unkempt guy but I think it's just the direct contrast to the contestants who are so incredibly coiffed to an inch of their physical lives, that makes the behind the scenes people look strange. They actually look like the rest of us sitting at home, watching the show. Except my beard is blonde.

One female producer has a foundation that provides water to remote regions in Africa!  

This is her producer husband, who goes by the name BeetSaladBar and seems like a very nice man. On this particular day, he didn't like his new haircut and had to wear a hat. I retain knowledge when I want to, yes I do!

Many of the producers are friends with cast members. At least on twitter. Michelle Money is friends with Elan Gale. So is Sarah Heron. No one is friends with Kalon or Jesse Kovacs, and rightfully so. But, Chris Bukowski is still in the loop, even though he and Elise split a week after he asked her to leave BIP with him to pursue true love. She barely got time to carry his luggage up the stairs to his Chicago apartment, make him dinner and rub his shoulders before he broke up with her.
The other day they asked for fans to email questions and Chris Harrison might read them aloud on T.V. in January! Of course I went right to email and formulated my question. I didn't want to sound stalky or needy so I simply asked if I could come visit their set sometime and meet everyone. I promised to not tell Reality Steve what I saw. They haven't replied yet but I'm ready to fly to L.A. when they give me the all clear. I also wrote them a proposal for the Michelle Money show where she lives in L.A. with Cody and her daughter and pretends to be a dog psychic to rich people. She talks to the camera a lot about funny stuff. I basically did their job for them and haven't heard a thing. Yet.
In the meantime, I'll have to resort to reading Reality Steve's blog to see what he knows about the filming of The Bachelor. And hovering over twitter accounts to get any information, any inside joke, any crumb I can about what's going on in Bachelor world.

(If you are a neighbor of mine and are now feeling badly for my children, imagine my tongue firmly planted in my cheek.)

Kim Hornsby is an award winning, Amazon Bestselling Author who blogs instead of doing housework and caring for the children.

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