The Labor Day installment of Bachelor in Paradise opens with Sarah telling the camera that Jackie and Christy drink a lot. Duh. They happen to be the two females not exactly spoken for after the last rose ceremony. The way you tell if you are spoken for is if your man threatens to kill the new guy if he asks you on a date.
More on that in a minute. So until these two get a man, they are either free to drink a lot or are drowning their sorrows in alcohol. Until further notice, they are the party girls.
Michelle then tells the cameras that Cody went from 0 to 60 mph in love and she is just not there yet. He's not her type. Girlfriend, to get to Cody's level of adoration you kind of have to be sixteen years old and in love with a supermodel. Michelle isn't buying what Cody is selling but she might be interested if he just camps on her porch for awhile and waits for her to decide she needs what he's selling.
The first date card goes to Marcus and Lacy, and again Sarah zings one off by saying "they'll probably get married and have tan babies." Their date involves a hole in the ground at Dos Ojos and a ladder. At the bottom of the ladder are stalaglights, I mean stalagments, or is it stalegtites? Doesn't matter, Lacy is impressed by those big things hanging from the ceiling of this cave. But wait, there are bats and she hates those things. Marcus will protect her but first he's going to shine the light right at them to stir them up.
Once through an underground lake probably filled with bat guano, the lovebirds have a margarita on a couch and Lacy says the L word. No, she's not a lesbian, she LOVES him! The wildlife in the jungle rejoices, flocks of birds take to the skies in celebration.
At the Casa, Michelle is taking love advice from Jesse which makes her just as stupid as stalaglight girl, or more. Where was everyone else, or is Jesse the only one who hasn't seen you cry about love? Sheesh. As she wonders how to handle the muscular man, Cody lifts boulders on the beach.
Brooks Forrester arrives with a date card and Sarah is really confused because she actually came to BIP hoping he'd be there. She's crushing. Oh no!
Robert senses something in the air and tells Brooks that he'll kill him if he asks Sarah on the date and the threat works. Of course we don't take Robert seriously because he has that Liam Hemsworth look and also because next says "She's my baby," in a funny voice. He wouldn't kill Brooks, would he?
Brooks asks Jackie instead, who dresses like a Greek goddess and they head off to dinner in town at the Casa Banana. If Cody is a manly brute, then Brooks is the opposite. Brooks is a fashionable dandy. But Jackie likes his fancy ways. I think Brooks might be a model, or if not, he sure has a lot of modely photos online. (See the denim outfit)
Sidebar: Guys love Jackie, cute little girl-next-door type who doesn't kiss on the first date but plays foosball like she has a lot of brothers. Zack, who came to BIP hoping Jackie might be there, is jealous of Brooks and goes to the beach to think when the daters arrive back at the Casa. Sarah, who flirts with Brooks takes Robert aside to find out what his intentions are and is tickled that he wants to date her when this is all over. Phew!
Michelle wears eight strands of pearls, full makeup and her sour face to a beach bonfire on bean bag chairs, as Cody tries to explain his enthusiasm for her. Boiled down--Cody: "I'm just me." Michelle: "I adore you."
The Bachelor censors work overtime bleeping a conversation with Christy and Michelle who reveals that Lucy and Jesse had ____ in the limo and she ____ him and he ____her.
Christy concludes that Jesse is a misogynistic pig or something like that and thinks of going home until sweet Tasos arrives and asks her on a date to a conservation area.
They float down a river with turtles to a picnic on a dock where he tries hard to not kiss her because she talks about being screwed over.
Meanwhile, Jesse is back at the Casa calling Tasos "Taco" and generally shooting off his mouth and bragging like he's going for the A-hole award.
The next date card goes to Zack who AshLee feels is the wrong choice. What is up with this girl who seems to have an evil plan behind everything she does? She is in tears about Graham not getting a date, maybe because she knows her days are numbered with the guy she stalks on Instagram. We still haven't seen who ends up in handcuffs but her wrists are slim.
On the date, Zack and Jackie descend into the Gran Cenote Cave where they swim and kiss and try to develop a "romantical relationship". Yesterday a Bachelor Intern tweeted that he torturously dragged a bed through the cave but Zack and Jackie use it. They have a meaningful talk (along with a margarita,) in which Zack says he wasted his time with Clare. Zing. Right through the heart, Clare. Ouch. She shoulda gone out with Cody when he begged. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Maybe Clare will be on Dancing with the Stars, like she said. I feel bad for her.
The next night it's storming during the Rose Ceremony the palm trees blowing inside out, the rain coming down sideways. At the rose room, the Sleazeball (Jesse) is name calling and being a class A dick, saying he needs the dumb blonde's vote or he'll go home.
I kind of wished one of the men would deck him until I saw what the women did in a wonderful show of solidarity and girl power. Taking Jesse down on camera is far worse than a punch to the jaw because the whole nation now knows Jesse Kovac's true character. When Sleazeball realizes that Christy knows about he and Lucy ____ in the limo and realizes no matter how he spins the conversation with the dumb blonde, he won't get a rose, he quits the show. But not before Christy, Michelle and Lacy confront him in the exit limo and get in their two cents about what kind of man he is. I was hoping for a really scathing speech but instead we got bits and pieces of three women telling him what he did was wrong. Poor Christy wanted so much to redeem herself and still, her parting words were "have a nice flight." Even if it was said sarcastically, she should have said something that had to be bleeped.
Driving away, Jesse mused that his inbox would be full of invitations to parties from Bachelor Alumni. I guess that's what matters--those emails. It was good to see the back of him.
At the rose ceremony, Christy gave Tasos her rose and Zack got the rose from Jackie after giving her a wish bracelet and saying "I'm into u." Brooks drove away after 30 hours on the show and Chris B. Harrison moved in to make an announcement. That was the final rose ceremony and there will be no more date cards, and it's all about to get really intense.
The previews show a lot of crying, not just from Michelle this time, and shocked expressions. Will the couples that exist weather the storm of what is to come? Fun and games are over. What do you think will happen? I say they will put the relationships to the test and maybe even bring in Neil Lane!
See you next week, Bachelor Nation.
Kim Hornsby is a serious suspense author in the Seattle area, where she lunches with celebrities and has her assistant keep the pool at 90 degrees.