Bachelor in Paradise -Two Men go Home

The Labor Day installment of Bachelor in Paradise opens with Sarah telling the camera that Jackie and Christy drink a lot. Duh. They happen to be the two females not exactly spoken for after the last rose ceremony. The way you tell if you are spoken for is if your man threatens to kill the new guy if he asks you on a date.
More on that in a minute. So until these two get a man, they are either free to drink a lot or are drowning their sorrows in alcohol. Until further notice, they are the party girls.
Michelle then tells the cameras that Cody went from 0 to 60 mph in love and she is just not there yet. He's not her type. Girlfriend, to get to Cody's level of adoration you kind of have to be sixteen years old and in love with a supermodel. Michelle isn't buying what Cody is selling but she might be interested if he just camps on her porch for awhile and waits for her to decide she needs what he's selling.

The first date card goes to Marcus and Lacy, and again Sarah zings one off by saying "they'll probably get married and have tan babies." Their date involves a hole in the ground at Dos Ojos and a ladder. At the bottom of the ladder are stalaglights, I mean stalagments, or is it stalegtites? Doesn't matter, Lacy is impressed by those big things hanging from the ceiling of this cave. But wait, there are bats and she hates those things. Marcus will protect her but first he's going to shine the light right at them to stir them up.
Once through an underground lake probably filled with bat guano, the lovebirds have a margarita on a couch and Lacy says the L word. No, she's not a lesbian, she LOVES him! The wildlife in the jungle rejoices, flocks of birds take to the skies in celebration.

At the Casa, Michelle is taking love advice from Jesse which makes her just as stupid as stalaglight girl, or more. Where was everyone else, or is Jesse the only one who hasn't seen you cry about love? Sheesh. As she wonders how to handle the muscular man, Cody lifts boulders on the beach.
Brooks Forrester arrives with a date card and Sarah is really confused because she actually came to BIP hoping he'd be there. She's crushing. Oh no!
Robert senses something in the air and tells Brooks that he'll kill him if he asks Sarah on the date and the threat works. Of course we don't take Robert seriously because he has that Liam Hemsworth look and also because next says "She's my baby," in a funny voice. He wouldn't kill Brooks, would he?
Brooks asks Jackie instead, who dresses like a Greek goddess and they head off to dinner in town at the Casa Banana. If Cody is a manly brute, then Brooks is the opposite. Brooks is a fashionable dandy. But Jackie likes his fancy ways. I think Brooks might be a model, or if not, he sure has a lot of modely photos online. (See the denim outfit)

Sidebar: Guys love Jackie, cute little girl-next-door type who doesn't kiss on the first date but plays foosball like she has a lot of brothers. Zack, who came to BIP hoping Jackie might be there, is jealous of Brooks and goes to the beach to think when the daters arrive back at the Casa. Sarah, who flirts with Brooks takes Robert aside to find out what his intentions are and is tickled that he wants to date her when this is all over. Phew!
Michelle wears eight strands of pearls, full makeup and her sour face to a beach bonfire on bean bag chairs, as Cody tries to explain his enthusiasm for her. Boiled down--Cody: "I'm just me." Michelle: "I adore you."

The Bachelor censors work overtime bleeping a conversation with Christy and Michelle who reveals that Lucy and Jesse had ____ in the limo and she ____ him and he ____her.
Christy concludes that Jesse is a misogynistic pig or something like that and thinks of going home until sweet Tasos arrives and asks her on a date to a conservation area.
They float down a river with turtles to a picnic on a dock where he tries hard to not kiss her because she talks about being screwed over.
 Meanwhile, Jesse is back at the Casa calling Tasos "Taco" and generally shooting off his mouth and bragging like he's going for the A-hole award.
The next date card goes to Zack who AshLee feels is the wrong choice. What is up with this girl who seems to have an evil plan behind everything she does? She is in tears about Graham not getting a date, maybe because she knows her days are numbered with the guy she stalks on Instagram. We still haven't seen who ends up in handcuffs but her wrists are slim.
On the date, Zack and Jackie descend into the Gran Cenote Cave where they swim and kiss and try to develop a "romantical relationship". Yesterday a Bachelor Intern tweeted that he torturously dragged a bed through the cave but Zack and Jackie use it. They have a meaningful talk (along with a margarita,) in which Zack says he wasted his time with Clare. Zing. Right through the heart, Clare. Ouch. She shoulda gone out with Cody when he begged. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Maybe Clare will be on Dancing with the Stars, like she said. I feel bad for her.
The next night it's storming during the Rose Ceremony the palm trees blowing inside out, the rain coming down sideways. At the rose room, the Sleazeball (Jesse) is name calling and being a class A dick, saying he needs the dumb blonde's vote or he'll go home.
I kind of wished one of the men would deck him until I saw what the women did in a wonderful show of solidarity and girl power. Taking Jesse down on camera is far worse than a punch to the jaw because the whole nation now knows Jesse Kovac's true character. When Sleazeball realizes that Christy knows about he and Lucy ____ in the limo and realizes no matter how he spins the conversation with the dumb blonde, he won't get a rose, he quits the show. But not before Christy, Michelle and Lacy confront him in the exit limo and get in their two cents about what kind of man he is. I was hoping for a really scathing speech but instead we got bits and pieces of three women telling him what he did was wrong. Poor Christy wanted so much to redeem herself and still, her parting words were "have a nice flight." Even if it was said sarcastically, she should have said something that had to be bleeped.
Driving away, Jesse mused that his inbox would be full of invitations to parties from Bachelor Alumni. I guess that's what matters--those emails. It was good to see the back of him.
At the rose ceremony, Christy gave Tasos her rose and Zack got the rose from Jackie after giving her a wish bracelet and saying "I'm into u." Brooks drove away after 30 hours on the show and Chris B. Harrison moved in to make an announcement. That was the final rose ceremony and there will be no more date cards, and it's all about to get really intense.
The previews show a lot of crying, not just from Michelle this time, and shocked expressions. Will the couples that exist weather the storm of what is to come? Fun and games are over. What do you think will happen? I say they will put the relationships to the test and maybe even bring in Neil Lane!

See you next week, Bachelor Nation.

Kim Hornsby is a serious suspense author in the Seattle area, where she lunches with celebrities and has her assistant keep the pool at 90 degrees.

Bachelor in Paradise--Two-Faced AshLee is Doomed!

Two Nights of Bachelor in Paradise this week! It's like watching the planned detonation of a huge skyscraper implode and fall, isn't it? I can't look away even though my teenage son thinks so much less of his parents for watching.

It's a girl fight faceoff episode but first we have tears and disappointment for Michelle Money, who seems to be the producers' favorite. She spends a lot of time on camera. Mostly crying but still...
Last night's episode picked up where last week's rose ceremony left off. Michelle Money was still in tears about Chris B giving her the girl rose and the BIP remaining contestants walked with pretty lanterns down the beach to their palapa mansion, spaced evenly so the cameras could get a lovely shot of them along the moonlit surf.
Back at the house there was a date card for Robert, the hot commodity with Sarah and Michelle. He'd just given Sarah his rose so guess who got the date.

Sarah was asked. That set off Michelle M in tears again, saying she's a loser even though she wears the most makeup, knows how to do her hair the best, and was wearing a backless crocheted dress. What is she possibly doing wrong? I'm not a man expert but they hate tears, don't they? Not Graham who comforts her in the toilet room.
Next day she does Sarah's hair, (which turns out to be just same old hair with a little braid down the right side) and then mopes about how the only guy left is Robert and she's alone--AGAIN! SHE JUST NEEDS A MAN! More tears. Sarah and Robert take off on a catamaran from Playa del Carmen and they have a fun in the sun time. Could it be that someone on the show actually enjoys this quiet, sweet girl and doesn't have an ulterior motive of ending up in a girl's bunk?
Back at the beach, Cody, the body builder from Andi's season, meanders into the group. Apparently he'd been waiting at a bar for his cue and was already tipsy which explains why he zeros in on Clare like a hungry tiger and asks on a date. He won't take no for an answer. After about 17 conversations with Clare and Cody, Clare and Zack, Cody and Marcus etc. she says no to the date offer. Cody gives his rose to Marcus who asks Lacy which was a gesture sure to get Cody points.
 On the date Marcus mistakenly says the 'love' word, replaces it with "like" and Lacy is elated but her mascara stays perfectly in place.
Zack and Clare are back together after a day of taking their eggs out of each other's baskets and pretending to give others one of their eggs. ???? This is their sweet talk style. But all Zack's eggs are now back "in her basket."
Then the biggest A-hole in the history of The Bachelor walks down the beach--Kalon. You remember him calling Emily Maynard's child "baggage". Oh that's not the worst of it. Just wait. He's about to insult Mexican people, call Sarah and Jacki lizards and brag about helicopters again. First he asks Michelle on his spelunking date. She refuses and tells him why. She is friends with Emily and is a mother. Then Jacki. She refuses. Then Sarah. No. I'm not sure if he threw it out to the group but he goes alone on the date and pretends to love himself so much, that was his choice. Clare jokes that he'll be belaying himself into that cave for a romantic dinner. Zing.
Then a third man arrives. Jesse Kovacs. He's the Chris Bukowski replacement. Player on the Playa. He asks Jacki on his date and she says yes. Marquel still hasn't claimed Jacki as his own so the old snooze you lose phrase comes to mind. Jesse is desperate to latch on to a girl seeing the rose ceremony is the next day and he pours on the compliments during their cave dinner. It works!
Meanwhile it's massage night at the playa and everyone is getting a massage but Michelle who is a self-professed loser. Cody gives her a pity back rub but wait, her back resembles Clare's and he likes it.


The next day, AshLee finds herself in a swinging hammock chair with Zack--they are talking. Thinking she's out of camera range, she says that Clare is cuckoo and basically a slut for f___ing Juan Pablo in the ocean. What?! AshLee does a whole lot of back pedaling when Zack points to the tree camera. OOPS! She will be in deep doo doo with Clare Crawley when this episode comes out. But wait, Maybe sooner. Lacy tells Clare about this conversation and then the palapa roof begins to blow off as Clare shoots steam out her ears.
That night AshLee and Clare have a face off talk on the beach where AshLee's second face (the nice one) is dominant, but Clare won't hug it out with her. She is MAD! AshLee heads back to her room where the microphones pick up her saying "f__ing bitc_". Nice mouth on you, AshLee.
Tension builds to the 4th rose ceremony where Cody and Michelle take a moment to kinda like each other and hug just in time for Cody to secure a rose, Jesse and Jacki have another discussion about how cute she is to lock that vote in and Graham gets pulled aside by Michelle to only now find out about AshLee's two-facedness.

When the rose ceremony begins, the obvious twosome goes first and Marcus gets a rose. Then AshLee tries to give Graham a rose and he walks off camera, through the group of hairy, unkempt production crewmembers and Michelle follows. That's when tonight's episode ends and these letters appear on the TV.

To Be Continued...

Bachelor in Paradise will be on again tonight at 8 pm where we'll finally see what Clare does with those knives and who takes off in the ambulance. I predict Clare cuts up AshLee's clothes or something. What do you think?

Bachelor in Paradise- Racoon Steals the Show!

Bachelor in Paradise premiered last night with the arrival of fourteen contestants to a beachy remote resort in Tulum, Mexico. As the women stepped gingerly down the uneven rock stairs in platform sandals, Chris Harrison greeted (but did not help) each one and sent them down the beach to a huge open air cabana/mansion. In true man form, the guys greeted Chris, hot-footed it to the cabana and then checked out each girl walking along the beach.
Six men and eight women made up the first wave of BIP, with more arriving each week to surprise and disappoint others hoping for a rose. There is no game here, no money, and little structure. Just hang out, get to know each other and hook up.

The contestants live sequestered at the house, date cards show up for one on one dates, and everyone tries their darnedest to find someone to kiss in the surf. Or hang out in Bromance groups to drink and laugh.

Lacey Faddoul, an early reject from Juan Pablo's season, arrived determined to stay on the show longer than one night and secured herself two men in the first twenty four hours by taking each one into the surf to wrap her legs around and kiss. Her push-up, padded swim suit bra should have been counted as the ninth girl because it did most of the work to get Marcus Grodd and Robert interested.

AshLee Frazier, who we liked on Sean's season, set her crosshairs on Graham Bunn, telling him she was there for him which strangely did not scare the Bachelor alumni away. Neither did her severely false eyelashes. He kind of liked her declaration of love but when Clare Crawley (who is on BIP to clear her villain name) asked Graham on a date, AshLee freaked out, stalker-style, calling Clare names, crying, pretending to pack her messy suitcase. Clare took the high road and asked another guy in an effort to not cause trouble and still AshLee wouldn't talk to Graham. "Let's talk tomorrow." she said. What a _itch (it rhymes with ditch).
And speaking of dumb, Lacey said she likes her two swimming partners 80-40, which last time I checked does not add up to 100.

Robert went to the ruins with Clare who didn't know what a vista was, they had a fun time, Clare tried her hardest to be happy, fun, sexy, needy but Robert returned to the beach and went straight for Lacey to see if she was mad at him. When the sun set Clare had to talk to someone about this and the only pair of available ears were on a raccoon peeking through the beachside foliage. In all fairness to Clare, she was talking to a Bachelor producer and the camera but they edited the segment to look like she'd gone outside her species to find someone to listen to her. Very funny.
Sarah Herron got a date card and asked Marcus to go swimming at an underground cave-like pool. It was a super cool date but Sarah wore a one-piece swim suit and acted sweet and that does not get you a rose on this show.

At my house we shouted at her to find Marquel. Marcus kissed her tenderly and then when the date finished, he went looking for Lacey, who looked totally different in a high neck dress and less makeup. Didn't matter, she'd already mesmerized two men.
Michelle Money walked in as a surprise guest, with a date card, apologizing for crashing the party which was nice of her especially because she was the villain on her season, telling her Bachelor (Brad, I think) to send the other girls home, in a dominatrix sort of way. She chose Marquel to go horseback riding. He'd never even touched a horse before and handled the whole thing like a champion in his highly accessorized way. They smashed a coconut on the beach after and drank the milk but I did not see any chemistry between them even though they walked arm in arm on the beach for the cameras.
Back at the cabana, Elise was canoodling with Dylan which physically looked like a perfect match, AshLee was doing damage control with Graham, especially seeing he and Michelle Money were a thing last year, and both Michelle Kujawa and Ben Scott were doing nothing to find true love. Or were they? You might remember Michelle from 4 years ago when she awkwardly obsessed over Jake, cried about wanting to leave the show and begged him to kiss her even though her face was covered in snot.
Yea, that's her. More on what was keeping Michelle busy next week but first let's remember Ben. He brought his son on the show when he arrived to greet Desiree. Turned out he was kind of smarmy so he's probably on the show to do damage control on his image too.
Like musical chairs, people were pairing up but no one was desperate enough to pretend to like Ben. Chris Harrison had informed the group that the men would give out roses and anyone without a rose would go home. With the arrival of Michelle M. that meant two girls were catching the next flight back to the border.

The rose ceremony was tense with Sarah pretty sure Marcus would pick her seeing Robert was going to ask Lacey and she appeared to be favoring him. The wildcard was Ben's rose. But first, Michelle K had an announcement. She hadn't found anyone to hook up with and was leaving the show. In a ridiculous moment Chris Harrison said "but it's only the first week," like she had plenty more time to find a partner. No. She was done and probably realized her acerbic ways and pale skin just did not fit in. Off she went.

Roses were handed out, some randomly and Daniella was the one to leave this week which was just as well. Unless they stood side by side I kept getting her mixed up with Elise.
Next week is high drama as Chris Harrison goes to Michelle K's hotel room and someone hairy ends up with broken feet. Can't wait!

Kim Hornsby is the author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, a bestselling suspense novel on Amazon, as well as the tongue-in-cheek Bachelor takeoff THE HUSBAND HUNT. She lives in Seattle with her hubby, kids and dogs where she avoids housework by pretending she's a serious blogger.

Bachelor In Paradise - Drama Unleashed!

Bachelor In Paradise is only 58 hours away (Monday August 4th, 8pm, ABC) and I couldn't care less about this stupid looking show. NOT!

I, for one, will be glued to the TV on Monday watching The Bachelor Franchise's newest summer spin off that replaced Bachelor Pad--a show that ended up being more game show that a true opportunity to find love in this crazy mixed up world.
Apparently Bachelor producers believe their own PR because that's what Chris B. Harrison is saying. Or roughly.

Bachelor in Paradise is a show about finding love. The fact that they put an uneven amount of men to women on a Mexican Beach, (where laws are loose and men are looser) supply unlimited amounts of alcohol and bikinis and tell the group that if they don't find "love" they go home, doesn't suggest pimping to me. How about you?

Again, producers do not supply enough seating for contestants, and everyone must sit uncomfortably close on one couch! Two men even have to stand. Look at them crammed in here.


From what I've read, the men give roses out to the women they want to stay on the all-expense-paid vacation so that encourages the women to get busy and secure a lasting relationship PDQ. Quick, everyone find a soul mate and sit down criss cross applesauce. Or head to the beach in a bikini and feed each other.
There are date cards, new people arrive every week as others leave for various reasons, not the least of which were the roaches and scorpions.

Chris Bukowski, who shows up for everything that says Bachelor hookups, is one of the surprise guests, as is the dude who called Emily Maynard's daughter "excess baggage" and hooked up last summer with Lyndsey from Seattle on Bachelor Pad. Where the heck is Lyndsey? Cody the muscular trainer is a guest, as is Michelle Money.






Have you seen the trailers? There will be lots of crying, (remember alcohol is a depressant,) and switching partners, (alcohol is an anti-inhibitor,) and someone even gets handcuffed!
How can we not watch at this point? True, the ambulance's appearance usually turns out to be for nothing but they said there was blood all over the floor. Did I say that someone ends up in handcuffs? Now, they could be just playing some S&M game at the Cabana but probably not. The close up on the handcuffs revealed what I thought looked like Claire Crawley's wrists. Not Claire!

I predict that she is really mad at Sarah Herron for stealing her boy/man, Robert, and threatens Sarah. Sarah is so stressed out she has a nosebleed that drips all over the floor before those drama-lovin' producers can find some paper towels.

What's in store for us on the soon to be hit show? Lacy and Marcus get cozy, Marquel gets to beach walk with someone who appreciates his sweetness (and abs,) and the original Michelle (K.) slams the door on Chris Harrison.
I'll see you all right here on Tuesday for my unbiased take on what promises to be one of the most dramatic seasons ever on Bachelor in Paradise.

Kim Hornsby is the Amazon Bestselling author of several suspense novels as well as a romance series modeled after The Bachelor called The Husband Hunt. The first book is free on Amazon. And once you get hooked, the second book costs money. This is how she makes enough money to pay for her children's nanny, her husband's mistress/housekeeper, and her dog walker.