Bachelor in Paradise -Two Men go Home

The Labor Day installment of Bachelor in Paradise opens with Sarah telling the camera that Jackie and Christy drink a lot. Duh. They happen to be the two females not exactly spoken for after the last rose ceremony. The way you tell if you are spoken for is if your man threatens to kill the new guy if he asks you on a date.
More on that in a minute. So until these two get a man, they are either free to drink a lot or are drowning their sorrows in alcohol. Until further notice, they are the party girls.
Michelle then tells the cameras that Cody went from 0 to 60 mph in love and she is just not there yet. He's not her type. Girlfriend, to get to Cody's level of adoration you kind of have to be sixteen years old and in love with a supermodel. Michelle isn't buying what Cody is selling but she might be interested if he just camps on her porch for awhile and waits for her to decide she needs what he's selling.

The first date card goes to Marcus and Lacy, and again Sarah zings one off by saying "they'll probably get married and have tan babies." Their date involves a hole in the ground at Dos Ojos and a ladder. At the bottom of the ladder are stalaglights, I mean stalagments, or is it stalegtites? Doesn't matter, Lacy is impressed by those big things hanging from the ceiling of this cave. But wait, there are bats and she hates those things. Marcus will protect her but first he's going to shine the light right at them to stir them up.
Once through an underground lake probably filled with bat guano, the lovebirds have a margarita on a couch and Lacy says the L word. No, she's not a lesbian, she LOVES him! The wildlife in the jungle rejoices, flocks of birds take to the skies in celebration.

At the Casa, Michelle is taking love advice from Jesse which makes her just as stupid as stalaglight girl, or more. Where was everyone else, or is Jesse the only one who hasn't seen you cry about love? Sheesh. As she wonders how to handle the muscular man, Cody lifts boulders on the beach.
Brooks Forrester arrives with a date card and Sarah is really confused because she actually came to BIP hoping he'd be there. She's crushing. Oh no!
Robert senses something in the air and tells Brooks that he'll kill him if he asks Sarah on the date and the threat works. Of course we don't take Robert seriously because he has that Liam Hemsworth look and also because next says "She's my baby," in a funny voice. He wouldn't kill Brooks, would he?
Brooks asks Jackie instead, who dresses like a Greek goddess and they head off to dinner in town at the Casa Banana. If Cody is a manly brute, then Brooks is the opposite. Brooks is a fashionable dandy. But Jackie likes his fancy ways. I think Brooks might be a model, or if not, he sure has a lot of modely photos online. (See the denim outfit)

Sidebar: Guys love Jackie, cute little girl-next-door type who doesn't kiss on the first date but plays foosball like she has a lot of brothers. Zack, who came to BIP hoping Jackie might be there, is jealous of Brooks and goes to the beach to think when the daters arrive back at the Casa. Sarah, who flirts with Brooks takes Robert aside to find out what his intentions are and is tickled that he wants to date her when this is all over. Phew!
Michelle wears eight strands of pearls, full makeup and her sour face to a beach bonfire on bean bag chairs, as Cody tries to explain his enthusiasm for her. Boiled down--Cody: "I'm just me." Michelle: "I adore you."

The Bachelor censors work overtime bleeping a conversation with Christy and Michelle who reveals that Lucy and Jesse had ____ in the limo and she ____ him and he ____her.
Christy concludes that Jesse is a misogynistic pig or something like that and thinks of going home until sweet Tasos arrives and asks her on a date to a conservation area.
They float down a river with turtles to a picnic on a dock where he tries hard to not kiss her because she talks about being screwed over.
 Meanwhile, Jesse is back at the Casa calling Tasos "Taco" and generally shooting off his mouth and bragging like he's going for the A-hole award.
The next date card goes to Zack who AshLee feels is the wrong choice. What is up with this girl who seems to have an evil plan behind everything she does? She is in tears about Graham not getting a date, maybe because she knows her days are numbered with the guy she stalks on Instagram. We still haven't seen who ends up in handcuffs but her wrists are slim.
On the date, Zack and Jackie descend into the Gran Cenote Cave where they swim and kiss and try to develop a "romantical relationship". Yesterday a Bachelor Intern tweeted that he torturously dragged a bed through the cave but Zack and Jackie use it. They have a meaningful talk (along with a margarita,) in which Zack says he wasted his time with Clare. Zing. Right through the heart, Clare. Ouch. She shoulda gone out with Cody when he begged. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Maybe Clare will be on Dancing with the Stars, like she said. I feel bad for her.
The next night it's storming during the Rose Ceremony the palm trees blowing inside out, the rain coming down sideways. At the rose room, the Sleazeball (Jesse) is name calling and being a class A dick, saying he needs the dumb blonde's vote or he'll go home.
I kind of wished one of the men would deck him until I saw what the women did in a wonderful show of solidarity and girl power. Taking Jesse down on camera is far worse than a punch to the jaw because the whole nation now knows Jesse Kovac's true character. When Sleazeball realizes that Christy knows about he and Lucy ____ in the limo and realizes no matter how he spins the conversation with the dumb blonde, he won't get a rose, he quits the show. But not before Christy, Michelle and Lacy confront him in the exit limo and get in their two cents about what kind of man he is. I was hoping for a really scathing speech but instead we got bits and pieces of three women telling him what he did was wrong. Poor Christy wanted so much to redeem herself and still, her parting words were "have a nice flight." Even if it was said sarcastically, she should have said something that had to be bleeped.
Driving away, Jesse mused that his inbox would be full of invitations to parties from Bachelor Alumni. I guess that's what matters--those emails. It was good to see the back of him.
At the rose ceremony, Christy gave Tasos her rose and Zack got the rose from Jackie after giving her a wish bracelet and saying "I'm into u." Brooks drove away after 30 hours on the show and Chris B. Harrison moved in to make an announcement. That was the final rose ceremony and there will be no more date cards, and it's all about to get really intense.
The previews show a lot of crying, not just from Michelle this time, and shocked expressions. Will the couples that exist weather the storm of what is to come? Fun and games are over. What do you think will happen? I say they will put the relationships to the test and maybe even bring in Neil Lane!

See you next week, Bachelor Nation.

Kim Hornsby is a serious suspense author in the Seattle area, where she lunches with celebrities and has her assistant keep the pool at 90 degrees.

Bachelor in Paradise-Surprise Exit and Name Calling!

We pick up where the last episode left off...The Rose Ceremony. Graham has just walked off the set, wiping his brow and leaving AshLee with a rose in her hand. Michelle followed because she's the person who cares most about Graham and quite frankly, Michelle Money is almost part of the production crew with the amount of time she spends on camera. She's as comfortable as Chris Harrison with this process--more on that later. I have a diabolical plan.

Graham calms down and goes back out to accept Ashlee's rose, shocking several in the crowd but not moi. Who else is going to give him a rose? He's having a great time at BIP and AshLee is his "woman", regardless of how she acts off-camera. Okay.
Then Lacy runs off to the women's room to vomit and they take her off in an ambulance with Marcus by her side. Montezuma's Revenge 1 BIP 0. I heard the food was terrible, almost as bad as the bugs. Everyone is asked to get back in "Places, please" and the rose ceremony continues even though they are dropping like flies.
Jackie is the wild card. Who will she pick? She chooses Jesse over Marquel and over Kalon (Duh!) and both men are sent packing.
Next day, Clare declares it's a brand new week as she overlooks the gorgeous beach from a balcony. But wait, it's time for women to start arriving and who's this coming down the beach in short shorts and cowboy boots? It's Christy, apparently from Juan Pablo's season. Before everyone has a snit fit, Sarah takes her off to talk about who's in a couple already. Christy asks Zack on a date anyhow, but he turns her down. Then she asks Jesse who is hot to trot times ten and accepts. The two walk the streets of Valladolid eating chocolate, drinking tequila and conversing vacuously. Jesse is a douche bag and Christy, who desperately needs sunblock, doesn't see he's already telling her he's just like her last boyfriend who slept with other women.
Sarah gets a date card and takes her new boyfriend, Robert, out to dinner where they bump heads at dinner (cute) and finally kiss in the hot tub. Whew!
Back at the dorm room, Cody is bench pressing Michelle, standing on his head, and doing everything he can to win this girl. Lacy is back from the hospital and watches with Marcus pressed into her side. Jesse and Christy join the group and she exclaims she wants to get wasted.

Outside, Clare and Zack have a discussion about them and Clare interprets it to mean, I'm not that into you. She goes off crying, packs her bags and announces she's leaving. The fact that Zack doesn't go after her speaks volumes and we are actually sad to see Clare go. The music from Psycho plays in the background and I have to ask why? Again, the director tries to make her look like a nut job. They edit this segment as though the raccoon is her confident in the jungle and she leaves with a snotty nose and puffy eyes from crying. At least Zack walks her to the van before he goes back to zero in on Jackie.

The next day, Lucy, the nudist, arrives with a date card and asks Jesse to go to the ruins with her. Lucy has been to these ruins before and does a running commentary, giggly hippy style. They go for drinks where Lucy speaks perfect Spanish. She's not only flaky and a very bad friend to Christy by making out with Jesse in the limo, but Lucy is well educated. I'm thinking trust fund rebel.

Michelle and Cody have a date that day too and it's a photo shoot on the beach in wedding clothes. Cody must've requested this because he's ready to say his "I do's" to Michelle, knowing a good thing when he sees it but Michelle needs him to slow down to at least 300 MPH.

Speaking of racing, Graham and AshLee go car racing and he jokes that she's ready for her mini van because she's not a speed demon. AshLee wears her nice face all date long.
When Lucy and Jesse arrive home, Christy sets out to drinking enough to fortify her bravery and takes Jesse off for a talk. As much as Jesse can talk. Jesse Kovac's character is somewhere between Kalon and Chris B. Actually he makes Chris B look like a nice guy. After their meaningful conversation they get horizontal where they might not realize the camera is watching them grope and kiss. Conniving Lucy arrives to make it a threesome and who knows what happens next because all we hear is Jesse sounding like he's the luckiest guy on earth.

Rose Ceremony: Zack has a talk with Jackie about wanting to get to know her and they actually look like they look ready. Did these two have something going at a Bachelor function before? He came to BIP hoping she'd be there. I imagine Clare watching this from home with the raccoon. Jesse acts like a "man whore," Lacy's words, Michelle looks like Cruella de Ville and Lucy schemes to overthrow her bestie, Christy but it's a bad sign when Jesse can't even remember Lucy's name. He chooses the blonde and Lucy gets into the van of shame, trash-talking Christy and making us doubt the sincerity of all this girl's love and hugs and free-spirited joy.

Final note: I would love to see a whole spinoff reality show with Michelle Money as the focus. She is funny and compelling and way too savvy for this show. If she can stop crying so much, I'd watch the Michelle Money show. How about you? Here's two shots of her with and without makeup which is fascinating in itself.

 

Next week things start wrapping up for the season, people get desperate and someone still has to get handcuffed, right? See you right here next week.

Bachelor in Paradise--Two-Faced AshLee is Doomed!

Two Nights of Bachelor in Paradise this week! It's like watching the planned detonation of a huge skyscraper implode and fall, isn't it? I can't look away even though my teenage son thinks so much less of his parents for watching.

It's a girl fight faceoff episode but first we have tears and disappointment for Michelle Money, who seems to be the producers' favorite. She spends a lot of time on camera. Mostly crying but still...
Last night's episode picked up where last week's rose ceremony left off. Michelle Money was still in tears about Chris B giving her the girl rose and the BIP remaining contestants walked with pretty lanterns down the beach to their palapa mansion, spaced evenly so the cameras could get a lovely shot of them along the moonlit surf.
Back at the house there was a date card for Robert, the hot commodity with Sarah and Michelle. He'd just given Sarah his rose so guess who got the date.

Sarah was asked. That set off Michelle M in tears again, saying she's a loser even though she wears the most makeup, knows how to do her hair the best, and was wearing a backless crocheted dress. What is she possibly doing wrong? I'm not a man expert but they hate tears, don't they? Not Graham who comforts her in the toilet room.
Next day she does Sarah's hair, (which turns out to be just same old hair with a little braid down the right side) and then mopes about how the only guy left is Robert and she's alone--AGAIN! SHE JUST NEEDS A MAN! More tears. Sarah and Robert take off on a catamaran from Playa del Carmen and they have a fun in the sun time. Could it be that someone on the show actually enjoys this quiet, sweet girl and doesn't have an ulterior motive of ending up in a girl's bunk?
Back at the beach, Cody, the body builder from Andi's season, meanders into the group. Apparently he'd been waiting at a bar for his cue and was already tipsy which explains why he zeros in on Clare like a hungry tiger and asks on a date. He won't take no for an answer. After about 17 conversations with Clare and Cody, Clare and Zack, Cody and Marcus etc. she says no to the date offer. Cody gives his rose to Marcus who asks Lacy which was a gesture sure to get Cody points.
 On the date Marcus mistakenly says the 'love' word, replaces it with "like" and Lacy is elated but her mascara stays perfectly in place.
Zack and Clare are back together after a day of taking their eggs out of each other's baskets and pretending to give others one of their eggs. ???? This is their sweet talk style. But all Zack's eggs are now back "in her basket."
Then the biggest A-hole in the history of The Bachelor walks down the beach--Kalon. You remember him calling Emily Maynard's child "baggage". Oh that's not the worst of it. Just wait. He's about to insult Mexican people, call Sarah and Jacki lizards and brag about helicopters again. First he asks Michelle on his spelunking date. She refuses and tells him why. She is friends with Emily and is a mother. Then Jacki. She refuses. Then Sarah. No. I'm not sure if he threw it out to the group but he goes alone on the date and pretends to love himself so much, that was his choice. Clare jokes that he'll be belaying himself into that cave for a romantic dinner. Zing.
Then a third man arrives. Jesse Kovacs. He's the Chris Bukowski replacement. Player on the Playa. He asks Jacki on his date and she says yes. Marquel still hasn't claimed Jacki as his own so the old snooze you lose phrase comes to mind. Jesse is desperate to latch on to a girl seeing the rose ceremony is the next day and he pours on the compliments during their cave dinner. It works!
Meanwhile it's massage night at the playa and everyone is getting a massage but Michelle who is a self-professed loser. Cody gives her a pity back rub but wait, her back resembles Clare's and he likes it.


The next day, AshLee finds herself in a swinging hammock chair with Zack--they are talking. Thinking she's out of camera range, she says that Clare is cuckoo and basically a slut for f___ing Juan Pablo in the ocean. What?! AshLee does a whole lot of back pedaling when Zack points to the tree camera. OOPS! She will be in deep doo doo with Clare Crawley when this episode comes out. But wait, Maybe sooner. Lacy tells Clare about this conversation and then the palapa roof begins to blow off as Clare shoots steam out her ears.
That night AshLee and Clare have a face off talk on the beach where AshLee's second face (the nice one) is dominant, but Clare won't hug it out with her. She is MAD! AshLee heads back to her room where the microphones pick up her saying "f__ing bitc_". Nice mouth on you, AshLee.
Tension builds to the 4th rose ceremony where Cody and Michelle take a moment to kinda like each other and hug just in time for Cody to secure a rose, Jesse and Jacki have another discussion about how cute she is to lock that vote in and Graham gets pulled aside by Michelle to only now find out about AshLee's two-facedness.

When the rose ceremony begins, the obvious twosome goes first and Marcus gets a rose. Then AshLee tries to give Graham a rose and he walks off camera, through the group of hairy, unkempt production crewmembers and Michelle follows. That's when tonight's episode ends and these letters appear on the TV.

To Be Continued...

Bachelor in Paradise will be on again tonight at 8 pm where we'll finally see what Clare does with those knives and who takes off in the ambulance. I predict Clare cuts up AshLee's clothes or something. What do you think?