Joe Thinks he Makes Jon his Bitch on Bachelor in Paradise

Who else wakes up Sunday morning, has a cup of coffee, stumbles to feed the dog and then it hits them--BIP is on Tonight!!!!! I'm ashamed to say that with all the blessings in my wonderful, rich life this realization makes the day better. And don't even get me started on how I feel Monday.

I haven't blogged regularly for BIP because it's summer and I have kids, including one I launched to college last weekend, so that would be a big ole shame if I took time out of helping him move on to adulthood to blog about a bunch of horny twenty-somethings looking for "Love" on a Mexico beach.
He's gone, the other teen is still sleeping, the dogs are fed and here we go...

BACHELOR IN PARADISE was shot on a beach north of Puerto Vallarta, an area I found love 24 years ago. As a matter of fact my hubby and I had a very romantic date just to the right of that sweeping shot of the resort and the surf. It's a gorgeous location but the surf seems to be too strong for any private nookie in the water this year. (Good thing Courtney isn't on the show from Ben Flajnik's season!) BIP contestants linger in the safety of the beach edge, talking but that doesn't stop everyone from wearing bikini's 24/7.

Except Tenley who got all doodied up while everyone else was in the pool and then sat poolside so the men could see her. And it worked. She has more than she can handle now.

Here's my one line run down of everyone on the show:















Tenley: Asked for attention and now has it- Three men courting her- Mikey, JJ, New guy
Tanner: Coupled with Jade and loving it
Jade: Coupled with Tanner and loving it. What's with the muu muu dresses?
Clare: Jared date, might be too old for him. She's funny on camera this year with silly voices.
Mikey: Maybe should have gone on Jersey Shore instead
Ben: Couple up with Ashley S, looks like Hugh Jackman
Ashley S: Finally appearing normal, even with her wide eyes. Stuck up for Juelia on camera.
Juelia: had Joe date, he thinks she's dumb, she must be seething watching this. Jon might b better choice
Ashley I: Go home already! Stop crying. Grow up








Lauren: Went home because she thinks she's a "mistress" to a guy who has a g/f. What a producer flop

Jared: Playing it cool, took Clare on bungee jump date. Not over Kaitlyn. Might be a good Bachelor???
JJ: Hanging around Tenley, still saying dumb stuff
Joe: Waiting for Samantha, playing the game, drinks too much, made Jon his bitch.
Jonathan: still buzzing around Juelia, embarrassed by Joe in a rotten moment
Carly: Funny on camera. 'lil spitfire, coupled with Kirk
Kirk: Seems like a stand up guy, coupled with Carly.

Joe is the bad guy this week, belittling people all in the name of a free Mexican vacation. Oh and Joe probably is motivated by free booze. He makes Jon apologize for saying something that only Joe knows was true, and brags about having Jon in his pocket like some villain in a super hero movie. And Jonathan is a single dad for crying out loud!!! So Joe has singlehandedly made a mockery out of the two single parents. Well done Sleaze Ball. And next week it looks like he makes Jon cry and threatens JJ. Sunday should be interesting. I'm hoping Joe gets bit in his jumbly bits by one of those crabs.


On a happy note, the girls all seem to be getting along nicely, except maybe Ashley I who acts like an eleven year old and thinks Clare is "Old!" out of jealous spite.
What do you think, Readers?

Running Naked on THE BACHELORETTE

Tonight's episode of THE BACHELOR began Enniskillen, Ireland with Shawn and Nick having it out in Nick's cottage/hotel room.

Nick says Shawn revealed he's Eskimo brothers with a famous country singer, having had sex with the same girl. This is the second time Nick has accused Shawn of saying this. In the urban dictionary, Eskimo brothers is just that--sharing the same girl sexually. Who knew?

The show moves to Galway, Ireland the next day where Kaitlyn has a date with Ben. Kaitlyn loves the energy between them. I do too.

They mount huge horses and meander through a deep green pasture on these behemoths to feed a bunch of adorable but persistent donkeys. The donkey's, according to Ben, have "sick haircuts". I think the urban dictionary would say that's a compliment.
After a romantic picnic by a castle overlooking a lake they kiss, talk and end up inside the castle for dinner. In front of the fire, the overnight date card appears from behind a pile of cushions and Ben is as polite as he can be on National TV when presented with the prospect of sleeping with a girl who insultingly thinks he might be a virgin. "Best sleepover ever!" Ben says.
The next morning, outside their window, a sheep gives birth symbolically and Ben heads off to his cottage after only a half hour of shut eye.

At the Lough Erne Resort, Shawn has the next date and is given a present from Kaitlyn which happens to be a shocking pink golf shirt.

They are going golfing and Shawn must be humiliated! Oh joy. Apparently golfing is a fun thing and they have a wonderful day golfing which ends in Shawn having to take off his clothes to run naked to the next green. Why must Kaitlyn try to humiliate him first with colorful clothes, then no clothes? But Shawn won't be deterred! He calls her kiddo and tells her he's proud of how well she did. Maybe she's getting back at him for talking down to her.

That night they dine at a huge mansion/castle where Kaitlyn asks about the hatred between Nick and him, ruining the date and the moment. Nice touch Kaitlyn. Shawn's feelings about Nick are very intense so Kaitlyn pulls out the fantasy suite card and they head upstairs to have a private conversation. She shuts the door on us, pretty quick.
The next morning, Shawn leaves her hotel room, pulls up his hood and creeps back to his silo cottage stealthily. But no.

 Nick is lurking in his khaki's, waiting for him to 'talk'. Shawn lets him in to his room and then talks overtop of Nick and eventually tells him to leave. Nick says, "Are you threatening me?" Ah, no dude. That's not a threat. It's telling you to go. I'm tired of this pissing match.
That night is the Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison arrives  and questions Kaitlyn about the three remaining men.


The situation is reminiscent of when Kaitlyn was in the last three with Chris Soules. She has a mini meltdown and talks to Chris H. in the hall who supports her decision. Ben is eliminated, making me yell at the TV, "The next Bachelor!"
Ben leaves with the dignity that Jared had. Such a gentleman! "I'll miss her a lot," he says, thereby revealing that he wasn't so deep in with his Kaitlyn feelings that he can't fall in love with someone in four months, as the next Bachelor. They begin taping in September.
While Kaitlyn says Bye Bye to Ben in the driveway, Shawn and Nick guzzle champagne in the elimination room and things are super AWKWARD!

Off to Utah! Why Utah? Did I miss something? Suddenly we are in Deer Valley, Utah, and if I'm not mistaken this is not hometowns, this is meet the families in a condo. Maybe they couldn't afford to fly the Viall clan anywhere because there are a lot of them. They drove in a bus, not unlike the Partridge Family tour bus. It could happen.
I remember from Andi's season how much I like Nick's mother, and not just because she has the Robin Wright haircut from House of Cards. She makes Nick seem less smarmy. Less juvenile. He actually has a mother who loves him! His large family are seated on a sectional. Nick's 12 year old sister, who we fell in love with last go around, questions Kaitlyn and adds a few points for Nick.
Nick has mentioned to Kaitlyn that last time with Andi, he needed a leap of faith to get ready to propose to her, but there will be no leap with her. That's actually pretty sweet. Hope it's true even though his body language, according to the FBI course on body language I took, screamed LIAR! Look her in the eyes DUDE!

On Shawn's family visit, the mom couldn't come but his aunt is there with the two sisters and father and strangely, Kaitlyn actually looks like one of the sisters. They love Kaitlyn but the dad wants to know more about Shawn's feelings and how he got so emotional so fast. Up until now, Shawn hasn't told Kaitlyn that he loves her. After meeting the family and going back to her ugly condo (everything looks ugly after Ireland!), Shawn says those three words. Actually five. "I love you, Kaitlyn Bristowe."
And back in her suite, Kaitlyn is a mental mess because a) she had her mind made up to pick Nick and she's sad that Shawn has fallen so hard or b) she had her mind made up to pick Nick and now Shawn is back in the game.

Last Saturday they taped Men Tell All in Los Angeles and that's what we'll be watching next Monday. According to Mike Fleiss, the creator of this show, the men tell ALL! I can't wait to see the Bromance Brothers Clint and JJ!
In other Bachelor news, the Finals weekend is in early August in an undisclosed hotel in Los Angeles. This is where the producers interview the women in the final stage before getting chosen. They've been told to remain available from September through October in case they get chosen. It's here they are interviewed by a PI, the show's psychologist and have a blood test for STD's. They have an on camera interview and do a lot of sitting around in a private hotel room while waiting to be called on. They've been told bring something to do in the hotel room that day.
AND, Bachelor in Paradise, the abomination we love to watch, begins Aug 2nd, thereby locking down Monday nights in August for me and my hubby.

Kim Hornsby is a National Bestselling Author of Suspenseful novels with Romantic elements. She won the Chanticleer Best Mystery/Thriller Paranormal and was nominated for Best Indie First Book by Indie Romance Convention with The Dream Jumper's Promise.

Bachelor in Paradise-Surprise Exit and Name Calling!

We pick up where the last episode left off...The Rose Ceremony. Graham has just walked off the set, wiping his brow and leaving AshLee with a rose in her hand. Michelle followed because she's the person who cares most about Graham and quite frankly, Michelle Money is almost part of the production crew with the amount of time she spends on camera. She's as comfortable as Chris Harrison with this process--more on that later. I have a diabolical plan.

Graham calms down and goes back out to accept Ashlee's rose, shocking several in the crowd but not moi. Who else is going to give him a rose? He's having a great time at BIP and AshLee is his "woman", regardless of how she acts off-camera. Okay.
Then Lacy runs off to the women's room to vomit and they take her off in an ambulance with Marcus by her side. Montezuma's Revenge 1 BIP 0. I heard the food was terrible, almost as bad as the bugs. Everyone is asked to get back in "Places, please" and the rose ceremony continues even though they are dropping like flies.
Jackie is the wild card. Who will she pick? She chooses Jesse over Marquel and over Kalon (Duh!) and both men are sent packing.
Next day, Clare declares it's a brand new week as she overlooks the gorgeous beach from a balcony. But wait, it's time for women to start arriving and who's this coming down the beach in short shorts and cowboy boots? It's Christy, apparently from Juan Pablo's season. Before everyone has a snit fit, Sarah takes her off to talk about who's in a couple already. Christy asks Zack on a date anyhow, but he turns her down. Then she asks Jesse who is hot to trot times ten and accepts. The two walk the streets of Valladolid eating chocolate, drinking tequila and conversing vacuously. Jesse is a douche bag and Christy, who desperately needs sunblock, doesn't see he's already telling her he's just like her last boyfriend who slept with other women.
Sarah gets a date card and takes her new boyfriend, Robert, out to dinner where they bump heads at dinner (cute) and finally kiss in the hot tub. Whew!
Back at the dorm room, Cody is bench pressing Michelle, standing on his head, and doing everything he can to win this girl. Lacy is back from the hospital and watches with Marcus pressed into her side. Jesse and Christy join the group and she exclaims she wants to get wasted.

Outside, Clare and Zack have a discussion about them and Clare interprets it to mean, I'm not that into you. She goes off crying, packs her bags and announces she's leaving. The fact that Zack doesn't go after her speaks volumes and we are actually sad to see Clare go. The music from Psycho plays in the background and I have to ask why? Again, the director tries to make her look like a nut job. They edit this segment as though the raccoon is her confident in the jungle and she leaves with a snotty nose and puffy eyes from crying. At least Zack walks her to the van before he goes back to zero in on Jackie.

The next day, Lucy, the nudist, arrives with a date card and asks Jesse to go to the ruins with her. Lucy has been to these ruins before and does a running commentary, giggly hippy style. They go for drinks where Lucy speaks perfect Spanish. She's not only flaky and a very bad friend to Christy by making out with Jesse in the limo, but Lucy is well educated. I'm thinking trust fund rebel.

Michelle and Cody have a date that day too and it's a photo shoot on the beach in wedding clothes. Cody must've requested this because he's ready to say his "I do's" to Michelle, knowing a good thing when he sees it but Michelle needs him to slow down to at least 300 MPH.

Speaking of racing, Graham and AshLee go car racing and he jokes that she's ready for her mini van because she's not a speed demon. AshLee wears her nice face all date long.
When Lucy and Jesse arrive home, Christy sets out to drinking enough to fortify her bravery and takes Jesse off for a talk. As much as Jesse can talk. Jesse Kovac's character is somewhere between Kalon and Chris B. Actually he makes Chris B look like a nice guy. After their meaningful conversation they get horizontal where they might not realize the camera is watching them grope and kiss. Conniving Lucy arrives to make it a threesome and who knows what happens next because all we hear is Jesse sounding like he's the luckiest guy on earth.

Rose Ceremony: Zack has a talk with Jackie about wanting to get to know her and they actually look like they look ready. Did these two have something going at a Bachelor function before? He came to BIP hoping she'd be there. I imagine Clare watching this from home with the raccoon. Jesse acts like a "man whore," Lacy's words, Michelle looks like Cruella de Ville and Lucy schemes to overthrow her bestie, Christy but it's a bad sign when Jesse can't even remember Lucy's name. He chooses the blonde and Lucy gets into the van of shame, trash-talking Christy and making us doubt the sincerity of all this girl's love and hugs and free-spirited joy.

Final note: I would love to see a whole spinoff reality show with Michelle Money as the focus. She is funny and compelling and way too savvy for this show. If she can stop crying so much, I'd watch the Michelle Money show. How about you? Here's two shots of her with and without makeup which is fascinating in itself.

 

Next week things start wrapping up for the season, people get desperate and someone still has to get handcuffed, right? See you right here next week.

The Bachelor Makes Horrible Mistake

Last night on The Bachelor, Juan Pablo chose to have a pool party instead of a formal cocktail party with the girls, thereby establishing the Latin Daddy as one of the most unique Bachelors in Bachelor history.

Horrible Mistake: I expected a quick on-air apology or disclaimer would be inserted into last night's airing after J.P. called Gay Love "perverted" in public last weekend. There was no mention of it on The Bachelor last night, only media back peddling. When he realized what he'd said and how un P.C. it was, J.P. quickly apologized, saying the language barrier was the problem and ABC's lawyers publicly disowned his comments in legal fashion.  But calling same sex relationships perverted was a word choice that will tarnish his name. I'm not sure he'll ever get back to America's Latin sweetheart after this.
FACT: The dictionary's definition of Perverse is to deviate from conventional behavior, so it could be a case of Lost in Translation.

Last night's installment of the Bachelor started with a one on one date with Cassandra, the shy, leggy, single mom. J.P. has said that if he isn't feeling it from the two mommies, he'll let them go ASAP because they have children waiting at home. That's fair.
Obviously he felt something for Cassandra, although it was hard to see from my spot on the couch. They laughed, danced, ate, kissed, but I did not see anything romantic happening between the two. Mostly they gazed at pictures of their kids at J.P.'s house. Her son's Daddy, by the way, is a Basketball player for the Detroit Pistons, the team she cheerled for.
(Is that a verb? Sorry)  If we had to hear that she hadn't had a first date in 3 years one more time, I think I was going to throw my bag of Double Stuff Oreos at the TV. She got a rose.
Then the smiley, little Science Educator got a one on one date, thereby setting some name-calling in motion from the gal who thought she'd get the date, Elyse. "Baby" "Immature" "Too young" "Baby". Calling another girl names on air and then with other girls is the kiss of death. Expect to see her exit soon.
Yes, the gal is fun, funny, fun-loving, but boy, did we ever see a serious side of her when they stood on the bridge getting ready to bungee jump. J.P. told her it was her choice and after fifteen minutes of her crying, shaking, hugging, she jumped with him. Dinner that night looked fun. I didn't see much kissing. Just sayin'.
The group date included a bevy of others including Sharleen who is getting on my nerves fast, even though I am Canadian by birth and have a child from Taiwan and should like this candidate. BUT, she's sneakier than she looks, seems. With her flimsy, revealing dresses, her upsweep hairdo's and her elegant ways, she's enticing Juan Pablo. Anyone notice her back away and tuck her chin when he leaned in to kiss her last night?

He likes her. She's playing the game well. I predict the girls will be scratching her eyes out in another episode or two. Next week she sings which will probably make J.P. giddy with excitement.
I like Andi. She wears a one piece swim suit for crying out loud! What's not to like. Andi is well-spoken and fun.

Clare is getting needy and got one of the last roses in the cluster last night, a blatant message to cheer up and get back in the game. She did not get her own picture this week as punishment for being clingy.

Once again Renee, the Florida Mama, is the go-to girl when tears flow. She's definitely mother material but I haven't seen her with J.P. yet. Have you? I'm fantasizing that she gets a new, improved hairstyle and a bit of a makeover, rises to the top of the heap, and we get to see how fantastic she and Juan Pablo are for each other.
Hippy Girl, Lucy, was eliminated for being naked too much along with another gal who we never heard from and didn't memorize her name. Lucy cried, which surprised me. I think she might get her own reality show now, called Naked Hippy Chick.
Looks like next week they take off for China or another country that is under Chinese rule, Clare hogs The Bachelor, Sharleen continues to elegantly weave a spell around Juan Pablo and the drama continues. Did you expect any less?

Rumor Alert: Chris Harrison, who is single, has been seen with former contestant Selma who wouldn't kiss Sean Lowe on national TV. Apparently, last weekend he called her "my girlfriend'. As long as you don't take her on TV and kiss her Chris, you should be good.

Kim Hornsby is the author of THE HUSBAND HUNT, a contemporary romance FREE on Amazon Books modeled after The Bachelor.

Juan Pablo Rejected!

Juanuary is off to a great start with the 2 night premier now under our sparkly belts. Fashion was at a premium, tears were flowing, girls were drinking, and Juan Pablo, the newest Bachelor, was as charming and real as we expected. This is not your ordinary bachelor. Oh no!

He's Latin, for one thing, (speaks with an accent), he has a child, Camila (who looks like a normal little girl) and this Bachelor looks more like a deer caught in the headlights than anyone who has gone before him, including Ben Flajnik, or whatever the Napa vintner's name was. How could you reject such a sweetheart? More on that in a bit.
 Juan Pablo Galavis apparently has trouble finding women who would be good wife/mommy material, something I'm still scratching my head over months after hearing this. Moving on.
I tweeted and voted and shared and posted for the Venezuelan soccer player to be the next Bachelor so you can imagine that I'm happy to sit and watch Juan Pablo for two hours as he soaps his newly-toned body in the shower and laughs with Sean Lowe over going shirtless (they did) and how many girls to kiss. I loved the conversation those two had, full of teasing and good-natured fun -- like watching bloopers but not.

After a touching segment with Juan Pablo and Camilla and then his parents, it was on to the girls. Dirty Trick #1- The director made us root for the poor gal who opened her first Old Folks Home at the age of twenty. (Spoiler alert - She left in the first boat off the island). Boo.
Some girls the producers chose to compete for Juan's affection looked a little full of themselves, some looked overly excited about a reality show that might see them hitting the curb after the first night, and one looked downright strange in hippy garb with no makeup. The night before, she leaped into Chris Harrison's arms (her legs wrapped around his hips) to genuflect on her excitement to be on the show.
Hippy Girl, we'll call her, seeing she wore a flowery hairband and bare feet to the formal cocktail party and proceeded to put her dirty, big feet on JP's lap later and tell him she's a free spirit and hippy. Sound like a good mom for Camilla? Well, JP saw something in her and she will be going on to the next round. Maybe he read online that she's best friends with Kate Upton or that she wants to be a Mommy. Or that she dances naked in Mexico.

Twenty-seven girls got out of various limos, one bicycling a piano up the uneven driveway as she played-can you say awkward!?- one pretending she was pregnant - not awkward at all! - and one trying a science experiment about chemistry and then not even kissing his pursed lips - super awkward and missed opportunity!
I have to admit, aside from Hippy Girl, they all looked relatively sane. Then the alcohol took effect and things took a first night bachelor party too much champagne, turn. Cry Girl found it all just too close to the phone call where her fiance broke up with her months before and became, well, Cry Girl.
Not something you want to aspire to on the first night. Then she proceeded to tell JP about her heartache while he squirmed on the couch beside her. I'm surprised she didn't wear her ring. Poor Cry Girl who spent precious on-air time telling us she's not usually like this. Hopefully she'll laugh at After the Final Rose. Or even get invited, because she was eliminated faster than you can say "Don't cry, beg, or confess on the first night Cry girl!"
The Prosecutor from Florida stood out last night as normal,  flirty, cute, able to not seem desperate like some. See her picture to the right...
BUT, the most awkward moment of the whole night, besides Hippy Girl's feet and Massage Girl's horribly embarrassing attempt to win JP over with a clothes on, weird idea massage on a table set up in the garden, was the First Impression Rose. This, to me, is a kiss of death because many recipients go on to later make a horrible impression or get so full of themselves that they ruin their chances by developing needy behavior. Opera Girl, however, played it so cool when JP took off to get the rose that we felt horribly sorry for our TV Latin boyfriend. She admitted to the camera that she did not feel any attraction to the bachelor and when Juan Pablo handed her the rose, expecting some excitement, she paused so long I had time to yell at the TV "Take it back, Juan, she won't love you like I will. Oh, I mean like the other girls will." She took it, however, thereby taking up space in the final group of worthy gals when we know she won't return his affections. Or will she? In later episodes we see her embracing him, crying and even not calling him "Sir". What was up with that? I know us Canadians are polite but SHEESH!
The fact she's part Taiwanese gives her a 1/2 vote from me though. (My daughter is Taiwanese). Maybe she had a Tiger Mom who made her call everyone Sir. Canadians, however,don't call people sir and especially not a man who's singling you out of 27 gorgeous, accomplished women to say you are special. Translation: "I love your dress" really means 'I'm attracted to you.' Said twice, it means,"throw me a bone here, woman."

Front runners thus far, for me, are Nurse Nikki, Ali the Nanny and Piano Girl. Oh and The Prosecutor, Andi.
That's just my opinion and I'm not a man, not Latin, not actually there in the Mansion, not off camera watching these women in their unnatural habitat of evening gowns and champagne.
But that's what this show is all about, isn't it? Sitting on our couches at home, forming opinions, talking to the TV and watching this dating process unfurl before us. Can't wait for next week!



Kim Hornsby is the author of THE HUSBAND HUNT, a series of novellas on AMAZON books that take place in a fictitious Reality TV show. The first in the series is a free download, called Jaxie's Mistake. "like watching a season of The Bachelor!"
Check it out! http://amzn.com/B00BN1YNS0