I'm Superficial and Girls Bicker on The Bachelor

Last night on The Women Tell All, the eliminated Bachelor contestants on Prince Farming's season got a chance to do damage control on their public images and get some questions answered by the Bachelor himself. Or not.

This week's recap is going to be brief because let's face it, not much happened. Girls interrupted each other while arguing high school style and Chris Harrision got to plug his new book. More on that later.
First up, Chris and Chris crashed some Bachelor viewing parties around the Los Angeles area and got to drink shots and kiss middle aged mothers high on corn tequila on the mouth.

I understand it's fun to walk into a party of girls and be celebrities but I think I'm done being amused by this. Why not go to a hospital to say hello? Counteract all the silliness.

The first topic on the Tell All set that got a lot of yelling and interrupting was Britt's sincerity and Carly shooting off her mouth about that. Carly loved talking to the camera on this season. She is an entertainer by trade and loves to entertain. And Britt is a crier.

She's as sweet as she is indecisive, as she is emotional. Imagine her makeup to be an indication of her raw emotions. She still loves Chris and is adamant that she could've built a life with him in Iowa. I for one judged her readiness for farm life by the amount of makeup she wears and the fact that she sleeps in it. Showering or not, as is this case, might have worked in her favor on the farm. I voted against her but who knows. She really liked Chris.
Then Kelsey, the widow who told the cameras that she loved her story (widowhood) was in the hot seat to stick her feet farther in her mouth. Let's just say that people who need psychological help rarely know they do, or are willing to admit on national TV that they have issues. Bad guys do not lump themselves in with the bad guys of this world. Kelsey doesn't see what the girls are saying. She's totally stumped why everyone ganged up on her unless it was jealousy over her big words.She is a great apologizer, even though she clearly doesn't know why she's apologizing and qualifies each apology with a "If I...then I'm sorry."
 Had I been one of those girls on the panel last night, I would've simply said "If you did fake that panic attack to get Chris's attention, even if you can't admit it to us, can't admit it to anyone, and won't even say it out loud to yourself, but you know deep down that you did, then I urge you to seek counseling. Maybe it was a game strategy gone wrong but we don't see anyone else doing this and your behavior on the show indicates a troubled mind. Get help.
 The metaphor for Kelsey's personality was asking for a tissue (which they DO NOT allow on The Bachelor,) then asking for Chris's silk handkerchief and blowing her nose in it, chuckling flirtatiously that she wasn't going to give it back. That's Kelsey in a nutshell-- selfish and narcissistic. She made great TV! She finished her moments in the hot seat by bragging about how she challenged herself and is proud of her progress in her grieving process after she became a widow and had to undergo such horrible injustices. Juelia, whose husband committed suicide, said very little about this, to her credit.

Last night I anticipated a big reveal from Ashley S. or at least a hint at what her game was by mumbling silliness and wandering around the show like she was on Quaaludes. I was disappointed. She made about as much sense in the hot seat as she did on the show, still stringing us along, not breaking a smile, saying ridiculous things.
CH asked her outright to do Bachelor in Paradise to which she said, "It's so weird. We're all on television." That sounded like a no to me but the Bachelor producers will think of something to get that girl on the show. The dichotomy of her perfectly groomed Grace Kelly beauty against her gibberish is fascinating. She won't do Bachelor in Paradise. She's not interested in romance or being on TV enough. I think she wasn't interested in Chris and decided to have some fun to make the experience of being on the show worthwhile. This girl is a long distance runner, has a good job, is not a hair stylist at all. She's the assistant controller at Lynx Chemical Group. Anna Kendrick has asked Ashley Salter on Twitter to coach her for interviews. #nokidding #ComedicControl
Then Jade got to talk to Chris Soules about him blogging on how awkward it was to see her nude photos. He tried to explain that he felt he hadn't seen the real Jade and for that reason did not choose her. Soules is not a wordsmith.
He has a hard time expressing himself, especially in situations where he's backed into a corner. This confrontation was about as awkward for him as the photos, I'd say. Note: If Jade is so innocent and sweet, why did she wear a sexy, clingy, red, cleavage-revealing dress like a smoking hot centerfold? Cough, Wild Mustang, Cough.
Kaitlyn got to talk next and didn't ask to sit next to Chris on the stage like the others. She kept her distance, asking him how they could be so close in the fantasy suite and then get canned the next day. Chris stumbled along like a deer caught in the headlights with no clear explanation why he picked Becca instead of Kaitlyn. Personally, I think Kaitlyn needs to find herself a man who can keep up to her comedically, like Jimmy Kimel. She needs someone with Wayyyyy more personality. Did anyone else think Kaitlyn had new collagen in her lips? She looked different.

And that's where I stopped taking notes because nothing new was being said. Until the very end when Chris Harrison announced that he's written a romance novel and it will be out in May. Okay, this is a whole other blog because I'm going to be the Carly on this one and just say that it's damned difficult to write a romance novel and taking advantage of his platform as the host of a romance show doesn't mean he can write. Secretly I'm jealous that he probably has more sales than my four books and four novellas put together and his hasn't even published yet. Pass me another sour grape.

Things that made me go hmmmmm: Jordan didn't speak, Ashley I's bare to there dress turned sideways when she leaned, thereby making her boobs go off center, Kaitlyn's lips, MacKenzie's silence about aliens, Sammy getting her 2 cents in, Britt not defending Kelsey, why Sanderson Po's family hasn't sued Kelsey for overusing and defaming his name and Chris H. thinking he's the next Nicolas Sparks. Oh and my superficiality on this blog.

Over and out until next week.


Kim Hornsby is an award winning author and the Bestselling author of Romantic Suspense novels available on Amazon and writes a novella series called The Husband Hunt, that is modeled after The Bachelor. She lives in Seattle with two very bad dogs, two very lovely children, and one very funny husband.

Virginity Optional on The Bachelor this week

Last night on The Bachelor, or Prince Farming, as it's being called, Chris and the remaining three ladies flew to Bali. If you're not familiar with the Indonesian island, it's very southwest of Hawaii, in the South Pacific, and is one of the most romantic places in the world. Just watch that old movie South Pacific and see how hard it is for Mitzi Gaynor to wash that man right out of her hair.
It's Gorgeous with a capital Tropical. Who wouldn't love Bali after Iowa?

First up is Chris's date with Kaitlyn who has calmed down so much since the first night when she used the F bomb in her initial greeting, that we are wondering what's happened. The two lovebirds walk through the town talking to the locals, smiling, laughing, drinking Corona-type beer in plain sight (it really is paradise!) and end up at a monkey sanctuary where you can purchase bananas and let the flea bitten, nasty monkeys walk all over your head and pee on your $150 Tommy Bahama shirt. Fun! I've been around loads of monkeys in my life (don't ask) and they can be really mean if they don't get their banana. Chris was lucky they liked his banana.
Next the kooky twosome have a candlelit dinner that no one ever eats because they are just too excited/scared witless to get that fantasy suite invitation. It's always there. Under the plate. We can see it.

Who wants to eat the big meal and risk feeling bloated and full? After Kaitlyn reads the card they agree that they deserve this. I was reminded of Kaitlyn's use of the metaphor plough my field on that first night. Rose petals obliterate the bath water in the suite and blinds are lowered in anticipation of the famous adage "If you haven't had a Canadian girl, you've never lived."
Okay, I made up that last part but I think I remember hearing something like that in my single days.

Next it's Whitney's turn for a date with Chris. They edited this portion of the show very cleverly. Did anyone else notice that Whitney appeared to talk non-stop as they schoonered their way to a swimming spot?

She explains her sister's hesitation in welcoming Chris to the family, does some damage control, and then they get on with the kissing and swimming.
At dinner that night in an ill-fitting lime-colored maxi dress, Whitney continues talking about her career and how she's ready to drop it, get married, be a wife, get pregnant. She says dramatically that she's thought a lot about the fantasy suite and . . . (Imagine this next line in that chipmunk voice of hers) "It would be great!"
Off those two go to the fantasy suite, choosing to forego their separate rooms for one heart-shaped bed. If you're not sure about the premise of the show, privacy is a four-lettered word to the producers and it's non-existence is deliberate. These contestants get followed everywhere, are miked all the time, except sleeping and in the bathroom, and have no private moments with Chris. If one of the girls wanted to warn Chris that she's really a werewolf, this would be the time to tell him without the rest of America knowing.
Speaking of the paranormal, the next date is with Becca, the virgin. She's wearing black in anticipation of either losing her virginity or the black moment when she tells Chris that she's never been physically intimate with anyone before. What we know that she doesn't is that he hasn't said these next words to anyone else. "I missed you." These two giggle together a lot. But can they mess up the sheets? First, they walk around at a park, then head off to the village medium and ask the enlightened one for advice. Remember that this is the place where the Love part in Eat, Pray, Love happened. I have to think that these Indonesians can be pretty amorous so it's no surprise that the advice is to get busy in the bedroom. Actually the medium says they should make love (probably paid by Bachelor producers) and Becca kind of rolls her eyes and says "perfect" a joke that the boyfriend sitting beside her does not get. At home, we are snickering.
After only looking at their dinner, they head to the fantasy suite where she hopes to tell him that she's a virgin. She does. After Chris ponders this for two seconds he lets out a heavy sigh like here we go again. His recovery is good though, saying that he respects her virginity. Pretty sure when they closed the door of the fantasy suite that night, there was some heavy talking going on, making me think of the expression fly on the wall.
From what Becca said earlier, it seemed like she wasn't necessarily waiting for marriage, just the right person. But she is afraid of the temptation that will thicken the air inside that fantasy suite.We later hear that when Becca left the next morning, things were tense. Maybe there was some begging going on. Or she slept on the couch, or he was too much of a gentleman. Or not enough of a gentleman.
That day, Chris had some thinking time while the camera rolled. He was filmed pondering at his pool, then talking with Chris H who had no words of advice, whatsoever. However, I noticed that one Chris doesn't do well in the Bali humidity and one Chris does.

At the rose ceremony, all three girls are beautifully dressed in traditional Balinese costumes and look colorful and gorgeous as they wait for Chris to arrive in his karate suit. Chris Harrison warns Chris that there is to be no kissing in the sacred temple area. In other words, don't decide to take Becca's virginity now, don't plough Kaitlyn's field or inseminate Whitney. Chris has told CH that one lady is a shoe in and he's really torn between the other two. He asks to speak to Becca and she says she regrets how she left things that morning. hmmmm? I'm going to bypass the obvious joke here but fill it in yourselves. Kaitlyn and Whitney are hoping Chris will come back Becca-less but no, they are holding hands. Oh, oh. If I were Kaitlyn I would've asked for a moment with Chris right then and taken him behind one of those statues and broken a rule or two to secure my spot.
But she didn't and Kaitlyn was eliminated shortly after, unable to look in Chris's eyes. She gets in the exitmobile and like a good Canadian and rule follower, fastens her seatbelt. She has a few tears as she wonders what the heck happened. Us too! And now we hear that Chris Soules himself thinks Kaitlyn would be a great Bachelorette. Chris H agrees but also thinks Britt (who doesn't shower and goes to bed in her makeup) would be a good one too. So guess what's happening on twitter these days? #Kaitlyn4Bachelorette. There's a big campaign.

Next week is Girls Tell All and I'm absolutely giddy with excitement to think we might hear what's up with Ashley S, the gibberish talking, zombie fighting wanderer. I vote for 'ludes but maybe it was all an act. I think Sean Lowe (who has a relationship book on the New York Times bestseller list this week) said he thought it looked like Qualudes. I wonder how that Christian boy would know what that looks like. Or me, for that matter.
In two weeks, one girl will go home broken hearted. But then, they all go home broken hearted except one and it gets harder to recover the longer you stay. Thing is I don't foresee either Whitney or Becca making a great Bachelorette. #Kaitlyn4Bachelorette

Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, an award-winning novel set in Hawaii that asks the question, what happened the day he never returned home?
She also writes a whimsical series The Husband Hunt, much like The Bachelor. Free on Amazon.

Arlington Isn't THAT bad & Hurried Hometowns on The Bachelor

Tonight's installment of The Bachelor Event picked up where it left off the night before.

We assumed Becca was left out of all the wacky the fun in Des Moines, not having a date, but no. She gets one on one time with Chris, in a fantasy-style date--talking at his loft. Okay. I thought, wow! this man keeps a cool loft in the big city for when he takes play time from the farm but no. It was just his hotel room for the show. Silly me. Anyways, Becca and Chris talk, watch the sunset on the roof and that's just about it.

The next day, as girls wake in the purple-carpeted hotel room, Carly is still feeling nasty and when Britt sits down in full makeup (and then some), Carly vibes out the non-showering contestant with bad ju-ju.

That night at the Rollins Mansion, the girls find out there won't be a rose ceremony and instead of having a fake panic attack, Britt asks to speak to Chris. This gives Chris enough time to call Britt's bluff and explain that he didn't appreciate her reaction to him giving Kaitlyn the rose last night. "I'll walk you out," he says before Britt even has time to bat her eyelashes in response. What? She's going? Wham Bam! The limo hasn't even arrived yet and he leaves her in the driveway, crying. She sobs about Carly ratting her out. Later she'll realize that she really wouldn't do well in Arlington.
In defense of Arlington, I want to mention that yes, there is very little going on in that town but if you head north to Fayette, there's a pub, or south to Strawberry Point, you'll find Casey's General Store and a coffee shop. They don't show you all this, but Arlington is not exactly the boonies. Cedar Rapids is only an hour away and that's a BIG city (for Iowa). Someone could be a dance instructor, fertility nurse or maybe even a chiropractic assistant in that town and commute home every night to a husband in Arlington. Moving on.
Chris heads back to the rose ceremony where another girl has to go home. No more reprieves. Carly is that girl, which seems fitting because she's been a little mean.
I wonder if Britt and Carly will meet at the airport and have a cat fight at the gate?

Hometowns!

Shreveport Louisiana is the home of Becca where one can go canoeing in the bayou for gators while banjo music plays in the background. This is the fun part of the day because when Chris gets to Becca's family home, he is bombarded by the news that Becca is a bit of a cold fish. Even holding hands is weird for her. You'd think her sis and mom would be thrilled to see Becca interested in a man but no. They're afraid for her and warn Chris, almost revealing the big secret.

Apparently Becca's brother-in-law is a former NFL star and they are in his house where he shows Chris the trophies and man cave NFL shrine, so Chris man crushes on the guy but that part of the visit is never shown.
It's Becca's birthday, another fact that is never revealed, and Chris takes her on the Ferris wheel at the State Fair, while Becca refrains from telling Chris about her inexperience in the boudoir.

On to Chicago next and it's go to work day with Whitney who tells him they are going to make a baby. Pregnancy scare! Chris is given a porn mag and a cup and told to do his manly thing. Not sure if he did, but he got to experience how much Whitney loves making babies for people. And if this is a test, Chris is pretty sure that his soldiers are marching.
Then on to meeting Uncle Johnny, Grandmama, and sister Kimberley. The latter tries to ruin everything for her little sis by giving The Bachelor the once over, the cold shoulder and then the evil eye. Whitney tearfully asks Kimberley to not ruin this for her. Not all Kimberley's are extremely friendly and overflowingly nice, I guess. Whitney's doggie, on the other hand, loves loves loves and proves it on the floor when she humps her toy monkey in front of Chris.

Kaitlyn's family winters in Arizona from Alberta, Canada so off Chris goes to Phoenix to meet the big Canuck clan. First he has to visit a recording studio to rap with Kaitlyn--her way of getting back at Chris for drinking warm goat milk maybe. After embarrassing himself with a terrible rap, he meets the parents and stepparents and everyone loves him, in true Canadian style, talking around a fire pit on the patio.

Note: If Kaitlyn is from Alberta, she is probably the most well suited gal to live in Arlington. Trust me, I am married to an Albertan. One who is from six hours north of Leduc, Alberta, (Kaitlyn's hometown.) They know about driving long distances for a cup of coffee. She surprises him with a billboard that says Kaitlyn <3 Chris outside, which is super sweet.

Gering, Nebraska is rainy when Chris reunites with Jade and heads immediately to her family home. At this point, Chris hasn't guessed Jade's secret and she's afraid that one of her family members will tell him about her naked spread in Playboy but apparently not afraid enough to tell him herself. The family includes the father, his wife, Jade's mom and two brothers. I'm so impressed that The Bachelor can convince all these divorced parents to be amicable in the same room on these hometowns. Only thing is that the family eludes to Jade's wild side and her taller brother calls her a "wild mustang" which is a red flag for Chris, the farm boy, not an aphrodisiac.

What Jade's shown him is shy and meek. They head to someone's ugly motel room for the truth talk. I'm sure the internet lit up after the great reveal with searches for Jade Elizabeth nude photos. After she said the words Playboy and photos, Jade almost seemed proud, asking Chris if he wanted to see them. Another red flag. Although Chris insists that he has a past (and I happen to know it includes speeding through downtown Arlington and driving on that straight road near the farm with an open container of alcohol- all normal prairie activities), and that he didn't judge Jade on these photos, she did not receive the rose the next night back in Iowa. Off she went, a wild mustang, running along the mountain ridge, her mane flying, her hooves beating out the rhythm of rejection as she galloped away from the opportunity to be an Arlington wife. And then there were three.

Next week, they all head to Bali where Becca reveals she's a virgin, Kaitlyn must let down her guard. and Whitney tries to convince Chris she can have a career in Chicago and still manage to pop out babies in Arlington.


Kim Hornsby is an Amazon Bestselling Novelist and has a romance series of short stories, similar to watching a season of The Bachelor called The Husband Hunt. In one, the host of the show even gets the girl!

Brokeback Bachelor with Chris Soules and Jimmy Kimmel

Week 3 in The Bachelor had a clever addition to the guest list--Jimmy Kimmel! Stroke of genius for having him shadow both Chrises and poke his nosey nose into the mix.

First good idea: The Amazing Jar. Jimmy set a large jar on the table so that every time someone said "amazing" they owed the jar a dollar. And if you're a Bachelor fan, you know that word gets tossed around as much as the words "journey" and "looking for love." Heck, by the time Jimmy stopped telling the girls he was personally going to make love to each of them to help Chris with his decision, the jar had $3.
First date card was from Jimmy telling Kaitlyn (Canadian) they were going to an exclusive club. Turned out to be Costco and with the shopping list in hand, Chris and Kaitlyn bought a ton of unnecessary stuff that some intern from ABC would have to return later. After goofing around at Costco, they grilled steaks and played house for their guest at Chris's abode.

With the help of a bottle of bourbon, the three laughed uproarishly (Chris giggled in that high girly way) and a great time was had by all. Kaitlyn is funny but then she's Canuck. :) They finished the date with kissing in the hot tub, and the camera panning right to see Jimmy in the corner watching them. #threesome
The group date with twelve girls (12!!!!)  had them competing on a farmer-type race to shuck corn, drink warm goat milk and catch a greased baby pig. The cruise ship singer, Carly, was driven to win this thing and tried to ignore Jillian the buffed body builder who hopped the pig fence in one leap. I think it's super funny that the show continues to block out Jillian's butt in a black rectangle because apparently Jillian LOVES her butt. Carly won and got the amazing ($1) honor of getting her photo taken with Chris in costumes a la American gothic. Wow. Lucky her!
Then off to the rooftop cocktail party where Chris giggled and did some talking, dancing and kissing with all the girls.

Those farmers sure like to kiss! MacKenzie called him out on all the kissing then awkwardly tried to take it back. Jillian looked predatory with her arm around Britt, and Becca had a nice normal talk with Chris and explained why she'll wait to kiss him. Amazing move! ($2) She got a rose.

The one on one went to Whitney the Disney princess-voiced nurse who cried to hear her name on the card. They ended up at a winery and pretended to crash a wedding, on the winery lawn. Rumor has it that the bachelor producers later thanked Nick and Shannon for agreeing to the crash. Did anyone wonder why no one seemed to recognize Chris? Or how the bride didn't come right out and say "we don't know you guys!" Still it was a cute schtick. Whitney redeemed herself as a possible contender but only if she has vocal chord surgery.

The next morning Chris and Jimmy Kimmel showered together thereby creating the hashtag Brokeback Bachelor and Chris headed off the to the Girlie Mansion for a pool party.

The beach balls flew, sunscreen was applied, pecs were flashed (Jillian) and then Juelia took Chris aside to tell him about her husband's suicide. Wa Wa Wa.

The only way to save the party was for Jade to take Chris to his house for a tour. Of the bed! They got down and dirty fast and then on the way out discovered Jillian waiting in the hot tub in her predatory way. Cue the sexy saxophone music. I bet she's a feared news producer. She scares me. When others tried to join them, she vibed them out but they came back eventually.
Back at the mansion, Chris found tearful Ashley I who was upset to not get alone time and all but pulled him off the roof with her in a weird embrace. Now I can believe that she's never had a boyfriend.

At the Rose Ceremony "Pack UP!" Kimmel did an amazing ($3) impersonation of Chris Harrison, and Chris Soules got to work handing out the thornless roses. Ashley I got hers last which is customarily a sign that that girl is hanging on by the skin of her teeth and better buck up.
Apparently she suggested that Chris give her one of the first roses and not make her wait. Cough. Virgin. Cough.
On another note, Ashley S. was super quiet this week but continued to stare vacantly off into nothing. Can't wait to see her on Girls Tell All!

Tomorrow is another episode and I'm excited to see if the Amazing Jar is still there.

Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, an award-winning novel set in Hawaii that asks the question, what happened the day he never returned home?
She also writes a whimsical series The Husband Hunt, much like The Bachelor. Free on Amazon.