Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The Bachelor Boots the Drunk Girl

Last night on Juanuary's Bachelor, we got to watch the episode where one girl drinks too much, this time waaaaaaaaay too much. She could still walk, could still talk (unfortunately) and could definitely straddle someone and twerk. Victoria probably shamed her Brazilian family in last night's episode by getting shoot-faced and causing such high drama that the cameramen and producers were actually seen on TV. I love it when that happens. The other girls on the group date were horrified, never having seen someone like that before. Oh sure!
All but Rene, the mom from Florida who followed a hysterical Victoria to the bathroom cubicle to try to reason with her. Personally, I was yelling "you can't reason with a drunk!"
Juan Pablo saw the situation for what it was-bad news central- and left to go home after saying goodbye to everyone. The next day he arrived at the hotel where they stashed her to sober up, (probably just two floors down from the hot tub date), and he told her very nicely that he just came to see how she was and tell her goodbye. He can't have that type of behavior around a child. Of course he can't. Well done, Juan.  Did anyone else notice Victoria didn't apologize profusely and say that's never happened before? She didn't even try to say she thought one of the other girls roofied her.
Let's back up. The first date last night was given to Clare, the gal who is as pretty as a scenic painting of a snowfall in a coniferous forest. And where did they go? A Tessla took the daters to a snowfall in a coniferous forest somewhere in Los Angeles. Go figure.
They sledded in jeans, fell all over an ice skating rink and then in their swim suits, hot tubbed and groped each others' perfect bodies. eye y'eye y'eye! After some guy sang, whose name made me have a dream last night about dating John Krasinski, they declared the date the best time ever and Clare ended up back at the Girls' Dormitory in bed.
The next date was another one on one, this time for the perky dancer, Kat. Good choice Juan. Turned out they grand marshaled Utah's nighttime glow stick run of 5K, dancing to Electric Dance Music along the way. Brother, can those two ever dance! I would've watched the whole two hours of them dancing. J.P. was pretty turned on and I bet the dancing magic spell worked both ways. Think the trip home on the private jet was fun? Oh wait, they go everywhere with cameras and bearded men with glasses and ponytails. Never mind.
The group date included most everyone else but Opera Girl and two others. On that date the girls were matched with stray dogs, costumed to look like the dogs and humiliated, if your name is Andi. Two girls were told to wear only their birthday suit and a small sign for the scheduled photo shoot to support Best Friends Animal Society. The signs read "Adopt" and "Me".
CHEAP TRICK. UNCALLED FOR. Squirm-Worthy. And judging by the fact ABC's Bachelor site changed the photo on their site from the nude one (with parts hidden) to another, only an hour ago, I'd say they got the message they went too far this time. This date with Andi, reminded me of the one-armed girl who was socially forced to go roller skating two seasons ago. Nasty trick.
Andy took it on the chin, telling Juan Pablo that she was doing fine, but when questioned just before she had to take off her clothes, she admitted she was shy and the only one of the girls who brought one piece bathing suits to be on The Bachelor. I felt so badly for her until J.P. told her he'd do it and he was nervous too. If they did get nude together, they'd be helping the dogs. I don't know about you but at home, when I heard those words from his lips, I proceeded to strip, and then remembered he wasn't talking to me. (I must love dogs!).The photo shoot went well, the rose went to the gal who dressed in a goofy bald costume (?) but I can't imagine that Juan Pablo has forgotten what a good sport Andi was. Oh yea, Hippy Chick, Lucy, who loves to show her body at any given moment, was as happy as a hog in mud on the other side of J.P. in her birthday suit. weeeeeee!
At the cocktail party/rose ceremony we finally got to see Opera Girl, Sharleen, who apologized for being flippant and poorly spoken when she got the first impression rose the week before.
If she didn't have her Juan Pablo on before, she is definitely suiting up now. I see stars in her eyes for the charming Bachelor. We knew this would happen. I'm still mad at her for being so flippant, eh? The thaw will be fun to watch.

Who went home? Oh the gal who did her own on-air audition to be a TV interviewer. She and her enormous perfect teeth showed America that she has what it takes to do small town news, powder puff pieces and probably blew her chance at Juan Pablo by using her time alone with him to audition. Also, Chantel, a stunning beauty who got lots of air time to show the world that The Bachelor is an equal opportunity show for African Americans. And of course, Victoria the drunken vixen was long gone now too. Aside: Victoria did offer my favorite quote of the night when she called the Heimlich manoeuver the Hymen manoeuver. Or remover. Not sure. Hopefully she's re-evaluating whether drinking so much caused her demise on the show. I'm sure the media is camped outside her house, waiting for comments, and she's wishing a girl could just go to the women's bathroom without big burly men with cameras following to record every word. But no. Remember, this is The Bachelor!
Oh and P.S.: Juan Pablo favorited one of my tweets this week which makes us super close now. See you next week!

Kim Hornsby is a Bestselling author on Amazon. Her series The Husband Hunt is modeled after The Bachelor. She lives in Jason and Molly, Des and Chris Town. Seattle.

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