Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise - Broken Legs and Face Licking!

Didn't we just know this would be the best Bachelor in Paradise episode in all history? And it was!
This week's installment of drama, drinking and dumping started with Chris Harrison explaining a situation that must've made the producers simultaneously salivate and cackle with joy.
Michelle K was eliminated last week after saying she didn't find a connection with anyone on BIP. She took herself out of the running, apparently to get back to her adjoined hotel room where the door was open to a crew member who wooed her (initially by finding the poor girl some dental floss.) You all saw how MK's loveshack twist evolved and that when cameras tried to film her in the room, she shut the door on Chris Harrison, saying to another producer that CH is not "the guy", he's "just a host". Ha ha. If she had any hope of keeping her secret quiet, that ruined her chances. CH is the biggest big wig next to Mike Fleiss in The Bachelor franchise.
Long story short, the psychiatrist was ready to debrief Michelle (as is always the custom on The Bachelor), a crew went to get her, Michelle was wearing only a towel and her next door buddy, Ryan Putz, was there--a big no no. In the dark, he estimated the jump off the balcony to be 6 feet, lept and broke both legs to protect both Michelle's reputation and his job. He pretty much screwed up both, and was taken to the Tulum hospital for bright white casts and his walking papers. Why didn't he just go back to his room through the adjoining door?

Back at the beachside Hacienda, Clare told Lacey to "lock it in" with Marcus in a whispered bunkbed conversation, only to be interrupted by the arrival of Chris Bukowski to the tune of the Jaws music. How appropriate. You remember Chris B. He shows up for anything and everything where there's girls, free plane tickets, TV face time, and prize money. The funniest line of the night was when a small group of men watched CB approach with a date card and Marcus bet he was here to "steal the women". Did anyone else picture the Wild West and Chris B roping the women folk together to ride off with them in his wagon?
With his date card, CB picked Clare which turned out to be his & her massages on the beach and playing in the surf-- platonically. Did Clare know what a bullet she dodged by not wrapping her legs around him, pretending to be afraid of the water on that date? Later she found out.

Back at the palapa mansion, Marcus got a date card, much to Robert's dismay, and he took Lacey out to dinner. Lacey's shockingly easy switch from Robert to Marcus, and flirty look is getting old fast and already I'm kind of sick of her. Robert should be too. I like Marcus but see heartache in his future.

That night drinks came out and shots were consumed a little too fast around a beach bonfire. The BIP singles coined the super cute phrase YOPO--You Only Paradise Once and things got a little wild with face licking and such. Then Elise grabbed Chris B and took him into the surf. (You might remember that with such close quarters in the house, the surf is the fantasy suite on this show.) Much kissing ensued. Dylan, who earlier had told her to make other friends and go on a date with someone else, had gone to bed.
Next morning Elise looked like the dog's breakfast in a severe hung-over state and was regretful about kissing CB. She came clean with Dylan and he used this to pretend if she hadn't kissed CB, they'd be okay. But no, he was done with her. Clare innocently asked "Is anybody here for love?" as she realized that she'd gone on two dates and both men dropped her like a scorpion nest afterward.

As lizards and tree frogs watched incredulously from the leafy foliage, Zack (from Des's season) showed up and whisked poor ole lonely Clare off on a date to try on hats and goof around in town.
I actually felt happy for Clare now that she had herself a real live man who seemed to like her. They surmised that their pheromones were very compatible. In the surf Clare immediately wrapped those legs around Zack to verify his attraction to her. Yep, he liked her.

Dylan got the date card and asked Sarah, not Elise, and she decided to go on the date, with Elise's blessing. But wait! She was only kidding! Don't go. Or at least don't like him. Don't touch him or smile at him. Wait! Don't go. Oh well, go.
We didn't see much of the date but it's a long road back to dating for Dylan after one week of hanging out exclusively with the possessive Pisces, Elise. Sarah looked extremely awkward with her glass of apple juice and the two had a quiet dinner, saying nothing much at DREAMS resort.

Back at the beach, Elise talked non-stop about Dylan and got her hair done by Michelle M. while she nattered on and on and waited for her man and best friend to come home.

Lying on the bed wearing ankle socks, Marquel was present when Marcus spilled a glass of water on Ben Scott's backpack, conveniently revealing a love letter. Of course the two M's read it and confronted Ben at the bonfire. So far, Ben had not found a canoodling partner in the BIP group and when asked, confessed to a new girlfriend back home. Oh no! He's not there for the right reasons. Shame.
Michelle Money was very upset and cried herself off to another room saying Ben took a coveted spot that could have been used by some man who might be the love of her life. Hey wait. I thought she was getting to know Marquel.
Ben exited with a few tears, calling his "goodbye to Hollywood" and vowing to be "done with T.V." That's actually good news and also surprising news. Was Ben a big TV personality? It all works out because he's got this cute girlfriend in Texas who probably has no idea why he came on this stupid show in the first place.

The Rose Ceremony: Six roses to be handed out to seven men. I'm no mathematician but that means that someone will have to leave and I'm pretty sure it'll be a guy. Everyone got dressed up according to what they brought in their suitcase and then convened in the Couch Room.

All day men had been doing damage control, trying to secure a rose from a woman, Chris Bukowski working as hard as I've ever seen, especially because Elise wouldn't let go of the future she imagined with Dylan. Sorry CB, I'm having babies with Dylan, she all but said.

Before the ceremony, Marquel almost bought himself a plane ticket home when he and Michelle M went off to have a talk and he admitted that her excessive drinking concerned him. He was swigging red wine as he said this. ??? What?
Personal note: Can you imagine the closet these two might share if they end up together? The accessories, the colors? Every day would be a costume party!
 He exited when Robert asked to talk to Michelle, not realizing he should have stayed to get back on MM's good side! Tell her what you like about this amazing woman with the necklace stuck on her head. Robert tried to charm Michelle into giving him her rose and later entered the ceremony confident he'd step into Marquel's bow tie and pink shoes.
In the Rose Ceremony, roses were handed out and Elise tried to fasten the rose to Dylan who wouldn't take it. (He'd told her earlier not to try but she must've had sand in her ears because she heard, "I really do love you so much, but I'm scared.")
Elise then made a boring speech about something that the director chose to set to comedic circus music. When done, she handed out her rose to CB who pretended that he was simply being gracious by accepting it.
In a what just happened? moment, Sarah gave Robert her rose, not her date partner Dylan, and said she'd like to get to know Robert better. The boot was given to Dylan with no chance of love or a hookup, (unless he found a crew member to snuggle with before he flew out.)

Next week looks good as Graham and Ashley finally get a date, Clare enjoys her new man, another woman arrives who likes Marquel, and Chris B. continues to prove his slimy ways. Can't wait.

Kim Hornsby is the Amazon Bestselling author of several suspense novels as well as a romance series modeled after The Bachelor called The Husband Hunt. The first book in this series is free on Amazon. And once you get hooked, the second book costs money- 99 cents. This is how she makes enough money to pay for her children's nanny, the housekeeper, pool boy, and her dog walker.


  1. Gotta agree with you Kimmy!
    Chris gave good convo with Clare about learning from his mistakes, but then he saw all the girls and thought, "I have to have one". Well, one at a time anyway.

    Elise is turning into a Stage 5 Clinger. But then we really didn't give her much credit on The Bachelor either. The biggest shame was Sarah not choosing Dylan. I'm convinced it was to save her "friend's" feelings but she lost out on someone who was truly interested in her. They were well matched - both shy and reserved but cute and sweet. And Elise messes up another person's love life. Oh wait, she's gonna add one more to the list next week in the form of Chris. At least he deserves it.
    Looks like AshLee has hidden her over-zealous cloying nature from Graham until next week. Another shame because she could be a big catch. Graham's been a champ with staying with her despite her I've-got-our-kids'-names-already-picked-out attitude toward him.
    I agree that Marcus could get his heart broken again so soon off his heartbreak from Andi. Lacey seems to bring out the batting cow eyes with anyone she wants. But does she really want him or is his hot bod the only draw for her?
    Ben's a skank. He admitted he was there for the experience. What experience? A free trip to Mexico and the chance to hook up with multiple chicks? Yeah, that girl in Texas has a real winner.
    Let's hope Clare finds love with Zack. They seem to be a good pair and if their pheromones are compatible then it's a done deal. Right?

    Another person I hope finds love is Marquel. He's such a sweetheart with a Million Dollah Smile! And fist bumps to him for actually bringing up that he's not comfortable with a heavy drinker. Wow! His self esteem is off the charts!
    Can't wait for next week!