Bachelor Withdrawl-Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I haven't had the heart to blog lately because Bachelor in Paradise is over. Yes, it was a meaningless, silly show with little to add to the world's problems but it was good entertainment on Monday nights. Hey, we have lots to think about the other 6 days of the week that isn't mindless fun, why not have some fun on Mondays?
I want to love Dancing with the Stars as much as anything that The Bachelor franchise puts out but I just don't. Even though their contestants are actually working hard and talented, it just doesn't do it for me. I'm counting Mondays until January when Chris Soules will steal our hearts and our Mondays.
In the meantime, I'm kind of cyber-stalking the Bachelor producers, tweeting them, reading their tweets and making deductions. I even emailed them to suggest the Michelle Money show, only to find out that she has a stupid youtube show about hair, makeup, veneers, with her friend. Oh, and I'm semi-stalking the Bachelor Interns too. It keeps my hand in the pie, my foot in the door and my name on the "do not FRIEND under any circumstances" list.

Remember that hairy big guy who had a flying spider in his hair while he was interviewing Michelle Money? Well, his name is Elan Gale and he's a stand up comedian. He was at Bumbershoot in Seattle on Labor Day and I could've gone to see him. On twitter, he was practically begging people to come watch his show and I didn't. Not that I could've left my suburban life to physically stalk anyone, because I'm a mother, but I almost met a Bachelor producer. He's in love with Taylor Swift so my tweets tell him to shave and stuff. I'm kind of helping him. I know this because he favorites some of my tweets. This is the type of stuff he tweets:

elan gale               11h

A fun hobby is removing all the toilet paper from the restaurant's only bathroom just to see how everyone deals with it
 

 This guy is funny! And he quit drinking and has lost 20 pounds since then. (see how much I'm learning?)

 

There are a bunch of producers, besides the big guy, Mike Fleiss and the host, Chris B. Harrison. There's even a married couple with a baby who are friends with Molly and Jason, one of the only successful couples to come out of the Bachelor franchise. They mostly look like Peace Corps people in countries where there's no access to razors. Here's a good example. Guess which one goes behind the camera and which one goes in front. In a previous blog I called him the hairy, unkempt guy but I think it's just the direct contrast to the contestants who are so incredibly coiffed to an inch of their physical lives, that makes the behind the scenes people look strange. They actually look like the rest of us sitting at home, watching the show. Except my beard is blonde.


One female producer has a foundation that provides water to remote regions in Africa! dropinthebucket.org  




This is her producer husband, who goes by the name BeetSaladBar and seems like a very nice man. On this particular day, he didn't like his new haircut and had to wear a hat. I retain knowledge when I want to, yes I do!




Many of the producers are friends with cast members. At least on twitter. Michelle Money is friends with Elan Gale. So is Sarah Heron. No one is friends with Kalon or Jesse Kovacs, and rightfully so. But, Chris Bukowski is still in the loop, even though he and Elise split a week after he asked her to leave BIP with him to pursue true love. She barely got time to carry his luggage up the stairs to his Chicago apartment, make him dinner and rub his shoulders before he broke up with her.
The other day they asked for fans to email questions and Chris Harrison might read them aloud on T.V. in January! Of course I went right to email and formulated my question. I didn't want to sound stalky or needy so I simply asked if I could come visit their set sometime and meet everyone. I promised to not tell Reality Steve what I saw. They haven't replied yet but I'm ready to fly to L.A. when they give me the all clear. I also wrote them a proposal for the Michelle Money show where she lives in L.A. with Cody and her daughter and pretends to be a dog psychic to rich people. She talks to the camera a lot about funny stuff. I basically did their job for them and haven't heard a thing. Yet.
In the meantime, I'll have to resort to reading Reality Steve's blog to see what he knows about the filming of The Bachelor. And hovering over twitter accounts to get any information, any inside joke, any crumb I can about what's going on in Bachelor world.




(If you are a neighbor of mine and are now feeling badly for my children, imagine my tongue firmly planted in my cheek.)


Kim Hornsby is an award winning, Amazon Bestselling Author who blogs instead of doing housework and caring for the children.

Bachelor in Paradise Finale--Breakups & Startups

Bachelor in Paradise is over. All the playa fun has come to a crashing halt, people are back home (have been for months) and relationships that began on the show are done. Or are they?
If you haven't skipped ahead and have avoided all the news articles about who's still together, last night's finale might have had some great surprises.
We pick up where we left off last week. Chris Harrison has just announced to the cast that if they don't see forever in their relationships, break up now. "Don't try and fool me," he warns, like couples are going to risk whatever is coming next just to get one past ole Chris.

The genders split up and go to separate palapas, the men ending up in #97 to talk it out, the women in the papaya palapa on the playa.
Did I miss the part where they were told to stay with their gender, not couple up to talk it out? Ashlee's expression darkens but not as dark as the blush she's used on her chest area to make cleavage. #makeupmalfunction In Ashlee's mind, she's happy with Graham. Things are all roses and unicorns in her happy world but Graham feels otherwise, especially after his BFF Michelle Money orders him to break up with Ash, like Graham doesn't have his own brain.

He trusts Double M and cuts AshLee loose, which actually was kind of sad. She gets immediately into the exit vehicle, not stopping to get her suitcase full of cute headbands and fringe vests. Graham gets hugs from his Bro contingent, packs and goes. Jackie doesn't know Zack well enough to sign a contract saying she's going to stay with this guy until she dies and they break up, Christy and Tasos too. The traffic from Tulum to the airport thickens with BIP alumni. I have to think they are all going to spend the night at the same hotel and talk in the bar anyhow, don't you? Maybe not AshLee. She looked blindsided and instead of her happy face and bitch face, she now has a new facial expression--very sad. I felt badly for her and almost forgot what mad face looks like. Oh yea.


Sarah and Robert are still together, holding tight and happy, but Michelle, who loves drama and face time on camera, is filled with emotion and worry that Cody is or is not THE one. She phones her nine year old for love advice. Surprisingly, the kid sounds more mature than Double M and gives her some solid hints at how to tell if he's for you.

Back at the orange couch in the palapa papaya on the playa, Chris H tells these last three couples what he thinks of their coupling combinations. I squirmed to hear him say he was thrilled about Sarah and Robert and surprised by Cody and Michelle and touched by Marcus and Lacy. (I guess no one remembers Lacy dropping Marcus for Robert two weeks earlier.) I think Chris H fancies himself a relationship expert.
I pictured the Bachelor Producers in a secret room watching 27 cameras and analyzing the relationships.
The next step was date cards for overnight dates in fantasy suites but Michelle isn't sure. She's a mom! She can't rush into anything.
When she decides to go with Cody for the whole night, without cameras, she asks Cody "You know you're not getting laid tonight, right?" She doesn't want to give her heart away easily but doesn't mind saying some funny/crass stuff on TV. Go Double M! He grins like she's the cutest thing he's ever seen. These two might just be a good combo after all. He gets her. That Double M--she's a huckleberry.
One couple goes to Dreams Resort, one to ZenSerenity and Michelle and Cody head off to a private suite somewhere to presumably talk all night.
In the morning, the three couples meet up back on the couch but Robert and Sarah have had a strange night with him sleeping in his jeans, avoiding her on the far side of the big bed. To see Lacy and Marcus look like they've just cemented the deal and then Cody and Michelle walk in like he's the best lover she's ever had, Sarah wonders what's wrong with her. If Michelle hadn't grandstanded about her new boyfriend and how his muscles match what he's got down below, Sarah and Robert might have weathered the storm. BUT, Sarah pulls Robert aside to say she felt unloved, without flat-out asking him why he refused her advancement to take off those jeans. Girl, you guys are used to sleeping in clothes, you have to spell it out for him. He's a nice guy. Maybe he was scared.
If she'd just asked him why. If he'd just told her the truth. If those two could communicate like people in their twenties instead of tweenagers, they might have made it but they couldn't. Robert was very hurt and seemed to not know what Sarah was saying. He left saying he gave it his best shot.

Personally, I thought a relationship counsellor could've come in to help them at this point, and that would've been fun to watch. But no. Sarah left crying her eyes out, and now they are going to run into each other everywhere, seeing they live within two minutes of each other back home.

Speaking of counsellors, Chris brings in some surprise guests with advice on how to transition from the Bachelor set to real life--Des and Chris, Sean and Catherine and Molly and Jason.
The couples talk to Michody and Marcy (see what I did there? This is called shipping -- relationshipping), and give them some words of wisdom.

The final rose ceremony has Marcus getting down on one knee, pulling out a Neil Lane box and proposing to Lacy. We knew they were engaged, right. So this wasn't a big surprise. What was a surprise was that Neil Lane had time to fly in. Cody accepts Michelle's final rose like there was any doubt and all five couples walk off into the sunset beach laughing and talking like they are off camera, leave Chris in his Miami Vice suit to clean up the wreckage of Bachelor in Paradise.

But wait. There's bloopers and those cute little what are they all doing now moments. With tongue planted firmly in cheek the BIP producers show the raccoon who still wants to get on TV, Robert, who still sleeps in his jeans, Kalon wearing a I Love Juan Pablo T-shirt, Sarah is trying to get over her broken heart, Graham is healing, AshLee is trying to mend her image seeing 10 million people think she's a ding dong, Cody is training the next Bachelor, Chris Soules, and I'm thinking they'll all see each other at the next alumni fundraiser or cruise. See this one in Toronto last weekend?

Bloopers involve lots of bug shots, Double M singing, and me wondering for the last time why this franchise doesn't turn Michelle's life into a reality show. Did you know she is an actress with movie credits? She has a movie in post production now. Not leads but speaking parts. And she had movie credits before her first Bachelor appearance in 2011. She even did the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition a few years ago.
Now that she has Cody, there is more to watch besides doing makeup, hair and choosing costumes to wear as she take advice from a nine-year old child. AND, if Cody works out, she will never do another Bachelor show again. Someone is gonna get this girl on TV and it might as well be you guys.
Come on, Chris Harrison. I know you read this blog. Do it!






Kim Hornsby is a bestselling novelist of Suspense Fiction. She also pens 2 hour reads that resemble watching a season of The Bachelor. The first one The Husband Hunt--Jaxie's Mistake is free on Amazon if you want to try one. Come on. You know you want to. Just one.

Bachelor in Paradise -Two Men go Home

The Labor Day installment of Bachelor in Paradise opens with Sarah telling the camera that Jackie and Christy drink a lot. Duh. They happen to be the two females not exactly spoken for after the last rose ceremony. The way you tell if you are spoken for is if your man threatens to kill the new guy if he asks you on a date.
More on that in a minute. So until these two get a man, they are either free to drink a lot or are drowning their sorrows in alcohol. Until further notice, they are the party girls.
Michelle then tells the cameras that Cody went from 0 to 60 mph in love and she is just not there yet. He's not her type. Girlfriend, to get to Cody's level of adoration you kind of have to be sixteen years old and in love with a supermodel. Michelle isn't buying what Cody is selling but she might be interested if he just camps on her porch for awhile and waits for her to decide she needs what he's selling.

The first date card goes to Marcus and Lacy, and again Sarah zings one off by saying "they'll probably get married and have tan babies." Their date involves a hole in the ground at Dos Ojos and a ladder. At the bottom of the ladder are stalaglights, I mean stalagments, or is it stalegtites? Doesn't matter, Lacy is impressed by those big things hanging from the ceiling of this cave. But wait, there are bats and she hates those things. Marcus will protect her but first he's going to shine the light right at them to stir them up.
Once through an underground lake probably filled with bat guano, the lovebirds have a margarita on a couch and Lacy says the L word. No, she's not a lesbian, she LOVES him! The wildlife in the jungle rejoices, flocks of birds take to the skies in celebration.

At the Casa, Michelle is taking love advice from Jesse which makes her just as stupid as stalaglight girl, or more. Where was everyone else, or is Jesse the only one who hasn't seen you cry about love? Sheesh. As she wonders how to handle the muscular man, Cody lifts boulders on the beach.
Brooks Forrester arrives with a date card and Sarah is really confused because she actually came to BIP hoping he'd be there. She's crushing. Oh no!
Robert senses something in the air and tells Brooks that he'll kill him if he asks Sarah on the date and the threat works. Of course we don't take Robert seriously because he has that Liam Hemsworth look and also because next says "She's my baby," in a funny voice. He wouldn't kill Brooks, would he?
Brooks asks Jackie instead, who dresses like a Greek goddess and they head off to dinner in town at the Casa Banana. If Cody is a manly brute, then Brooks is the opposite. Brooks is a fashionable dandy. But Jackie likes his fancy ways. I think Brooks might be a model, or if not, he sure has a lot of modely photos online. (See the denim outfit)

Sidebar: Guys love Jackie, cute little girl-next-door type who doesn't kiss on the first date but plays foosball like she has a lot of brothers. Zack, who came to BIP hoping Jackie might be there, is jealous of Brooks and goes to the beach to think when the daters arrive back at the Casa. Sarah, who flirts with Brooks takes Robert aside to find out what his intentions are and is tickled that he wants to date her when this is all over. Phew!
Michelle wears eight strands of pearls, full makeup and her sour face to a beach bonfire on bean bag chairs, as Cody tries to explain his enthusiasm for her. Boiled down--Cody: "I'm just me." Michelle: "I adore you."

The Bachelor censors work overtime bleeping a conversation with Christy and Michelle who reveals that Lucy and Jesse had ____ in the limo and she ____ him and he ____her.
Christy concludes that Jesse is a misogynistic pig or something like that and thinks of going home until sweet Tasos arrives and asks her on a date to a conservation area.
They float down a river with turtles to a picnic on a dock where he tries hard to not kiss her because she talks about being screwed over.
 Meanwhile, Jesse is back at the Casa calling Tasos "Taco" and generally shooting off his mouth and bragging like he's going for the A-hole award.
The next date card goes to Zack who AshLee feels is the wrong choice. What is up with this girl who seems to have an evil plan behind everything she does? She is in tears about Graham not getting a date, maybe because she knows her days are numbered with the guy she stalks on Instagram. We still haven't seen who ends up in handcuffs but her wrists are slim.
On the date, Zack and Jackie descend into the Gran Cenote Cave where they swim and kiss and try to develop a "romantical relationship". Yesterday a Bachelor Intern tweeted that he torturously dragged a bed through the cave but Zack and Jackie use it. They have a meaningful talk (along with a margarita,) in which Zack says he wasted his time with Clare. Zing. Right through the heart, Clare. Ouch. She shoulda gone out with Cody when he begged. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Maybe Clare will be on Dancing with the Stars, like she said. I feel bad for her.
The next night it's storming during the Rose Ceremony the palm trees blowing inside out, the rain coming down sideways. At the rose room, the Sleazeball (Jesse) is name calling and being a class A dick, saying he needs the dumb blonde's vote or he'll go home.
I kind of wished one of the men would deck him until I saw what the women did in a wonderful show of solidarity and girl power. Taking Jesse down on camera is far worse than a punch to the jaw because the whole nation now knows Jesse Kovac's true character. When Sleazeball realizes that Christy knows about he and Lucy ____ in the limo and realizes no matter how he spins the conversation with the dumb blonde, he won't get a rose, he quits the show. But not before Christy, Michelle and Lacy confront him in the exit limo and get in their two cents about what kind of man he is. I was hoping for a really scathing speech but instead we got bits and pieces of three women telling him what he did was wrong. Poor Christy wanted so much to redeem herself and still, her parting words were "have a nice flight." Even if it was said sarcastically, she should have said something that had to be bleeped.
Driving away, Jesse mused that his inbox would be full of invitations to parties from Bachelor Alumni. I guess that's what matters--those emails. It was good to see the back of him.
At the rose ceremony, Christy gave Tasos her rose and Zack got the rose from Jackie after giving her a wish bracelet and saying "I'm into u." Brooks drove away after 30 hours on the show and Chris B. Harrison moved in to make an announcement. That was the final rose ceremony and there will be no more date cards, and it's all about to get really intense.
The previews show a lot of crying, not just from Michelle this time, and shocked expressions. Will the couples that exist weather the storm of what is to come? Fun and games are over. What do you think will happen? I say they will put the relationships to the test and maybe even bring in Neil Lane!

See you next week, Bachelor Nation.

Kim Hornsby is a serious suspense author in the Seattle area, where she lunches with celebrities and has her assistant keep the pool at 90 degrees.

Farmer Chris Starts Filming The Bachelor!

Lovably romantic Iowa farmer, Chris Soules, has been confirmed as the next contestant to look for love on ABC's The Bachelor.

You probably remember Chris best for sky writing over his farm when he and Andi Dorfman had a hometown date, or for being the writer of the secret admirer letters to the Bachelorette. Chris with the bright white teeth, dreamy eyes and honorable ways. According to insiders, he had this opportunity in the bag since the night he was eliminated by Andi. They wanted him all along. He is definitely a fan favorite but also comes with the added bonus for the Bachelor franchise that he is nothing like Juan Pablo.
With bachelor nation still stinging from J.P.'s strange season, many of whom said "I'm done with watching this stupid show," The Bachelor producers are still doing damage control for Juan's cocky defiance, even though he and Nikki Ferrell are still together, which is more than most bachelor couples can say 10 months later. Who knows what guns J. Pablo stuck to in order to get his way and maybe even retain a semblance of dignity. He is contractually not allowed to speak about a lot of what went on but he cryptically tweets that during the Bachelor process the producers negotiated with him to make choices he didn't agree with. Nikki knows what went on and tweets against the producers regularly, calling them out in support of J.P.
But now we have a very different kind of a Bachelor headed our way--32 year old farmer Chris Soules. In recent interviews Soules has said that he believes in this process and I think that is either sweetly optimistic or his way of saying "it's lonely out there on the farm and I'm gonna jump on this opportunity and have some fun."
I'm sure the idea is pitched to him as a golden opportunity, like being picked to go up in space on a rocket ship. Chris Harrison probably uses the words "true love" and talks about how difficult it is to find love in this crazy world. I have hours of fun just imaging what is said to get a nice person without a modeling career to think of to do this show.
The Iowa town Soules comes from is very small and you can imagine that he's dated every available single woman. His last relationship lasted seven years and they broke up because it wasn't great, only good. So he's a stick with it kind of guy if he lasted seven years. He's probably used to settling because of his remote location. But now he'll be dating some pretty gorgeous women in heavy makeup and gowns who have never even seen a tractor. Women who will lie and pretend they love the outdoors and farm life in particular, just to get to the holy final four so they can become a part of the Bachelor Family and get loads of TV time and attend all the fundraisers and parties. Chris better have his BS detector on high.
Filming starts soon and we'll see the results in January, after we have to endure a season of Dancing With The Stars. Good luck Chris. My advice is to maybe do the hometowns first and have them clean a horse barn for the first date.
In other news, has anyone noticed ads on T.V. lately for a dating service much like Match.com but called FarmerLove or some such thing? I'm seeing these commercials all over the place now that Chris is the new Bachelor. Are women out there thinking they'd like to bag a farmer, because not all farmers are like Chris Soules, I just want to say. A lot of them wear overalls and you know how sexy those look on a man, especially one who smells like manure and has a pot belly. You have to like a certain lifestyle and enjoy flat land and remote locations. I married a man from a flat farming area but he likes urban life and I'm thankful for that. I'd never last a year in his hometown, not that it isn't lovely, but it's remote. (Hi Honey!)
Regardless of Chris Soules' prior speeding tickets (long straight roads in Iowa) his open alcohol containers in the car (farm life!) and running stop lights in the town of 160 people, I think the next season of the bachelor will be filled with sweet gestures and romance. After all, this is a guy who works to end hunger in his home state, champions for farmers, and still has time to bring in the crops and play ghost in the graveyard at family gatherings.

Kim Hornsby is the bestselling author of The Dream Jumper's Promise an award winning Mystery novel as well as the short story series, The Husband Hunt, modeled after The Bachelor. The first one is free, the second story is cheap and the third is being written right now.

Bachelor in Paradise-Surprise Exit and Name Calling!

We pick up where the last episode left off...The Rose Ceremony. Graham has just walked off the set, wiping his brow and leaving AshLee with a rose in her hand. Michelle followed because she's the person who cares most about Graham and quite frankly, Michelle Money is almost part of the production crew with the amount of time she spends on camera. She's as comfortable as Chris Harrison with this process--more on that later. I have a diabolical plan.

Graham calms down and goes back out to accept Ashlee's rose, shocking several in the crowd but not moi. Who else is going to give him a rose? He's having a great time at BIP and AshLee is his "woman", regardless of how she acts off-camera. Okay.
Then Lacy runs off to the women's room to vomit and they take her off in an ambulance with Marcus by her side. Montezuma's Revenge 1 BIP 0. I heard the food was terrible, almost as bad as the bugs. Everyone is asked to get back in "Places, please" and the rose ceremony continues even though they are dropping like flies.
Jackie is the wild card. Who will she pick? She chooses Jesse over Marquel and over Kalon (Duh!) and both men are sent packing.
Next day, Clare declares it's a brand new week as she overlooks the gorgeous beach from a balcony. But wait, it's time for women to start arriving and who's this coming down the beach in short shorts and cowboy boots? It's Christy, apparently from Juan Pablo's season. Before everyone has a snit fit, Sarah takes her off to talk about who's in a couple already. Christy asks Zack on a date anyhow, but he turns her down. Then she asks Jesse who is hot to trot times ten and accepts. The two walk the streets of Valladolid eating chocolate, drinking tequila and conversing vacuously. Jesse is a douche bag and Christy, who desperately needs sunblock, doesn't see he's already telling her he's just like her last boyfriend who slept with other women.
Sarah gets a date card and takes her new boyfriend, Robert, out to dinner where they bump heads at dinner (cute) and finally kiss in the hot tub. Whew!
Back at the dorm room, Cody is bench pressing Michelle, standing on his head, and doing everything he can to win this girl. Lacy is back from the hospital and watches with Marcus pressed into her side. Jesse and Christy join the group and she exclaims she wants to get wasted.

Outside, Clare and Zack have a discussion about them and Clare interprets it to mean, I'm not that into you. She goes off crying, packs her bags and announces she's leaving. The fact that Zack doesn't go after her speaks volumes and we are actually sad to see Clare go. The music from Psycho plays in the background and I have to ask why? Again, the director tries to make her look like a nut job. They edit this segment as though the raccoon is her confident in the jungle and she leaves with a snotty nose and puffy eyes from crying. At least Zack walks her to the van before he goes back to zero in on Jackie.

The next day, Lucy, the nudist, arrives with a date card and asks Jesse to go to the ruins with her. Lucy has been to these ruins before and does a running commentary, giggly hippy style. They go for drinks where Lucy speaks perfect Spanish. She's not only flaky and a very bad friend to Christy by making out with Jesse in the limo, but Lucy is well educated. I'm thinking trust fund rebel.

Michelle and Cody have a date that day too and it's a photo shoot on the beach in wedding clothes. Cody must've requested this because he's ready to say his "I do's" to Michelle, knowing a good thing when he sees it but Michelle needs him to slow down to at least 300 MPH.

Speaking of racing, Graham and AshLee go car racing and he jokes that she's ready for her mini van because she's not a speed demon. AshLee wears her nice face all date long.
When Lucy and Jesse arrive home, Christy sets out to drinking enough to fortify her bravery and takes Jesse off for a talk. As much as Jesse can talk. Jesse Kovac's character is somewhere between Kalon and Chris B. Actually he makes Chris B look like a nice guy. After their meaningful conversation they get horizontal where they might not realize the camera is watching them grope and kiss. Conniving Lucy arrives to make it a threesome and who knows what happens next because all we hear is Jesse sounding like he's the luckiest guy on earth.

Rose Ceremony: Zack has a talk with Jackie about wanting to get to know her and they actually look like they look ready. Did these two have something going at a Bachelor function before? He came to BIP hoping she'd be there. I imagine Clare watching this from home with the raccoon. Jesse acts like a "man whore," Lacy's words, Michelle looks like Cruella de Ville and Lucy schemes to overthrow her bestie, Christy but it's a bad sign when Jesse can't even remember Lucy's name. He chooses the blonde and Lucy gets into the van of shame, trash-talking Christy and making us doubt the sincerity of all this girl's love and hugs and free-spirited joy.

Final note: I would love to see a whole spinoff reality show with Michelle Money as the focus. She is funny and compelling and way too savvy for this show. If she can stop crying so much, I'd watch the Michelle Money show. How about you? Here's two shots of her with and without makeup which is fascinating in itself.

 

Next week things start wrapping up for the season, people get desperate and someone still has to get handcuffed, right? See you right here next week.

Bachelor in Paradise--Two-Faced AshLee is Doomed!

Two Nights of Bachelor in Paradise this week! It's like watching the planned detonation of a huge skyscraper implode and fall, isn't it? I can't look away even though my teenage son thinks so much less of his parents for watching.

It's a girl fight faceoff episode but first we have tears and disappointment for Michelle Money, who seems to be the producers' favorite. She spends a lot of time on camera. Mostly crying but still...
Last night's episode picked up where last week's rose ceremony left off. Michelle Money was still in tears about Chris B giving her the girl rose and the BIP remaining contestants walked with pretty lanterns down the beach to their palapa mansion, spaced evenly so the cameras could get a lovely shot of them along the moonlit surf.
Back at the house there was a date card for Robert, the hot commodity with Sarah and Michelle. He'd just given Sarah his rose so guess who got the date.

Sarah was asked. That set off Michelle M in tears again, saying she's a loser even though she wears the most makeup, knows how to do her hair the best, and was wearing a backless crocheted dress. What is she possibly doing wrong? I'm not a man expert but they hate tears, don't they? Not Graham who comforts her in the toilet room.
Next day she does Sarah's hair, (which turns out to be just same old hair with a little braid down the right side) and then mopes about how the only guy left is Robert and she's alone--AGAIN! SHE JUST NEEDS A MAN! More tears. Sarah and Robert take off on a catamaran from Playa del Carmen and they have a fun in the sun time. Could it be that someone on the show actually enjoys this quiet, sweet girl and doesn't have an ulterior motive of ending up in a girl's bunk?
Back at the beach, Cody, the body builder from Andi's season, meanders into the group. Apparently he'd been waiting at a bar for his cue and was already tipsy which explains why he zeros in on Clare like a hungry tiger and asks on a date. He won't take no for an answer. After about 17 conversations with Clare and Cody, Clare and Zack, Cody and Marcus etc. she says no to the date offer. Cody gives his rose to Marcus who asks Lacy which was a gesture sure to get Cody points.
 On the date Marcus mistakenly says the 'love' word, replaces it with "like" and Lacy is elated but her mascara stays perfectly in place.
Zack and Clare are back together after a day of taking their eggs out of each other's baskets and pretending to give others one of their eggs. ???? This is their sweet talk style. But all Zack's eggs are now back "in her basket."
Then the biggest A-hole in the history of The Bachelor walks down the beach--Kalon. You remember him calling Emily Maynard's child "baggage". Oh that's not the worst of it. Just wait. He's about to insult Mexican people, call Sarah and Jacki lizards and brag about helicopters again. First he asks Michelle on his spelunking date. She refuses and tells him why. She is friends with Emily and is a mother. Then Jacki. She refuses. Then Sarah. No. I'm not sure if he threw it out to the group but he goes alone on the date and pretends to love himself so much, that was his choice. Clare jokes that he'll be belaying himself into that cave for a romantic dinner. Zing.
Then a third man arrives. Jesse Kovacs. He's the Chris Bukowski replacement. Player on the Playa. He asks Jacki on his date and she says yes. Marquel still hasn't claimed Jacki as his own so the old snooze you lose phrase comes to mind. Jesse is desperate to latch on to a girl seeing the rose ceremony is the next day and he pours on the compliments during their cave dinner. It works!
Meanwhile it's massage night at the playa and everyone is getting a massage but Michelle who is a self-professed loser. Cody gives her a pity back rub but wait, her back resembles Clare's and he likes it.


The next day, AshLee finds herself in a swinging hammock chair with Zack--they are talking. Thinking she's out of camera range, she says that Clare is cuckoo and basically a slut for f___ing Juan Pablo in the ocean. What?! AshLee does a whole lot of back pedaling when Zack points to the tree camera. OOPS! She will be in deep doo doo with Clare Crawley when this episode comes out. But wait, Maybe sooner. Lacy tells Clare about this conversation and then the palapa roof begins to blow off as Clare shoots steam out her ears.
That night AshLee and Clare have a face off talk on the beach where AshLee's second face (the nice one) is dominant, but Clare won't hug it out with her. She is MAD! AshLee heads back to her room where the microphones pick up her saying "f__ing bitc_". Nice mouth on you, AshLee.
Tension builds to the 4th rose ceremony where Cody and Michelle take a moment to kinda like each other and hug just in time for Cody to secure a rose, Jesse and Jacki have another discussion about how cute she is to lock that vote in and Graham gets pulled aside by Michelle to only now find out about AshLee's two-facedness.

When the rose ceremony begins, the obvious twosome goes first and Marcus gets a rose. Then AshLee tries to give Graham a rose and he walks off camera, through the group of hairy, unkempt production crewmembers and Michelle follows. That's when tonight's episode ends and these letters appear on the TV.

To Be Continued...

Bachelor in Paradise will be on again tonight at 8 pm where we'll finally see what Clare does with those knives and who takes off in the ambulance. I predict Clare cuts up AshLee's clothes or something. What do you think?