Kelsey Goes to Paris, Immeasurably Blessed, on The Bachelor!

The Bachelor began with last week's panic attack on the floor outside the ladies' room in Red Sage, Santa Fe, New Mexico (not to be confused with the actual country of Mexico). Kelsey eventually got an oxygen mask secured to her face, only to...wait for it... ask to speak with Chris, the Bachelor! Of course she did. The whole faked episode was for his benefit. As Jade stepped over Kelsey's skinny bod on the floor, Chris was sent for. Kelsey made a recovery in record time, with his help, laughed off the episode with embarrassment, and the rose ceremony began. There. She got more time with Chris. Mission accomplished.

Samantha (Who?) and MacKenzie (Single mom, afraid of aliens) went home, which was a blessing to let them go before those two actually kissed Chris and got hooked on Prince Farming. As Kelsey said before she knew she'd get the shame-filled last rose, "they wasted their time here." Nice attitude, Girl.

The group flew to Deadwood, South Dakota, which is particularly interesting to me because I'm a big fan of the Nearly Departed in Deadwood novel series by Ann Charles and have read A LOT about the town in the last year!!
Deadwood is apparently home of the Wild West in the Black Hills. A town where stripping down to get in a washtub is something you pay for.

Looks like a ton of fun and the girls checked in to a Holiday Inn that looked like an old tin mine in the side of the hill, and started drinking. Giddy Up.
The one on one date card came for Becca who is sweet, but after the theatrics of almost everyone else, she seems a tad bit boring.

But then Chris is a laid back kind of guy from a town of 200, so my hubby and I thought they might be well suited as they horse back rode their way through the brush and giggled a lot about nothing. Their campfire shish kebobs went uncooked while Chris taught Becca the art of kissing on the 4th date.
Back at the house, Whitney and Carly couldn't keep quiet about Kelsey's fake ways any more and kinda sorta told Kelsey that she's pretty much not being herself around them. Or she's not being herself around Chris. They approached the subject very carefully because, well, you know...it's Kelsey and who knows what she'll do?
Kelsey, who is a wonderful thespian, turned on the waterworks and told the girls she'll be mindful from now on. Kaitlyn squirmed on the couch like all the stink she talks on camera about Kelsey might only be fueled by alcohol and she hadn't had enough tequila to enter the conversation with her usual amount of swear words.

Kelsey's on camera interview, as always, was extremely entertaining in that she thinks very highly of herself and says she's "blessed with eloquence" and uses a lot of "big words." She believes the girls are beneath her. Besides, she came here to WIN! Ah, now we get it. She's just competitive, not crazy. Her wicked witch of the west laugh echoed off the Black Hills walls and into the night.

The group date for the next day arrived for Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan who had had too much to drink to hold up her head.

Chris took them to the downtown area of Deadwood to slip in to a fun western style restaurant and write songs with Big and Rich, a popular country music duo. Rich, or is it Big? who looks like a cross between Woody Harrelson and Ted Dansen with curly hair and a bowler hat, took Jade jogging down the main drag to summon her song-writing powers. Yup, that's how I write this blog--go running down the middle of the road yelling "I can do it!"
When Chris and the girls got on the tiny stage to sing their songs, each song was cute and highly passable except Whitney's who's struggling with a chipmunk voice anyhow.

Carly's song could go straight to itunes, no surprise, and when they ended up in the bar and everyone got one on one time, Chris hijacked Britt and they ran off to a Big and Rich concert to dance, and get up on stage to sing to Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy, a country hoe down anthem. Britt returns with the rose, hours later, looking super guilty with her new boyfriend, and the girls are pissed and humiliated, not because of the rose but for being kept waiting and wondering where the kissing twosome went. Chris high tailed it out of there, leaving Britt in the middle of the snarling pack.
The next day is the two on one date, a death sentence for one girl, customarily. It's Kardashley and Kelsey facing off. It's a game of eyelashes against cardigans, spoiled girl against sneaky girl, and we can't wait to see who survives the day. The producers have a queen-sized bed set up in the stark desert of the Badlands. Tension was high as the helicopter swooped in from Mount Rushmore and landed by the bed, the only place to sit within miles.

Chris asked first to speak to Ashley and off they went to try to find some privacy in the desert. Once she sat down, Kardashley could not wait to throw shade at Kelsey on behalf of all the girls and then skipped back to the bed. Chris then talked to Kelsey and tattletold on Ashley. Threw her way under the bus. Way way under. Does this man know nothing with 3 sisters? After hearing that the girls don't like her, I actually thought Kelsey looked surprisingly normal with Chris, but he saw through her nonsense and sent both ladies home after a lot of Kardashley tears and a dry face from Kelsey.
Note: Both these girls have Masters Degrees which is kind of making me question sending my children to college now. Anyone else doubting the advantage of education?
Chris left the Badlands bed, got in the helicopter and flew away, which is kind of how he left things in Deadwood the night before. I'm outta here. Bye bye girls. Apparently it took the girls 3 hours in two separate vans to return to Deadwood. I bet they had to help break down the bed with the Bachelor Interns too.
Meanwhile, back at the condo, the remaining girls watched the suitcases leave and poured magnums of champagne, chanting "We are immeasurably blessed," to see Kelsey's suitcase head out the door.
Next week, the rose ceremony is in Deadwood and then they jet off to another fancy location--Chris's hometown where the girls check out the mascara supplier in town and discover they might not survive in Arlington Iowa. Turns out Ashely got out just in time! Note: I think they are staying in the U.S. for this season because the culture shock from Paris to Arlington would insure that everyone goes running for the hills. Just a thought.
And now we hear that Kelsey is moving to Paris to be a writer and embrace her immeasurably blessed gift of eloquence. Oh, oh. I better move over to make room for Kelsey.

While you're waiting for next Monday, check out my book The Husband Hunt, on Amazon books, a 2-3 hour read that resembles a Bachelor season. Hey, it's free and you just might laugh out loud.

Kim Hornsby is an award-winning author who lives in the Seattle area and writes in the rainy months to stay sane for her family. If you enjoy reading her blog, feel free to click join this site on the sidebar and get notified when she posts again. No meetings, no donations, no obligation. Just words.

Carly is Zak's Sister! & Naughty Guru Tries to Seduce The Bachelor

Smelly Girl, Creepy Girl, Naughty Guru, and Big Eyes all vie for Chris Soules' hand in The Bachelor's Prince Farming this week. Carly with the big eyes, is Zak's sister from Desiree's season but more on that later.
Santa Fe, New Mexico is the spectacular setting for the show which has Megan all happy to finally be leaving the country. Somebody needs to check her map of North America and then put her passport away before she puts on a sombrero and makes a fool of herself.

The first date is with Carly, a one on one that has even me watching the TV through my fingers from embarrassment. The love guru, Tziporah, who's given name is probably Janet or Karen, visibly flirts with Chris at the beginning. Tell me this look isn't naughty.
Then she has Chris and Carly breathing each other's recycled air and feeling each other's feet and hips in an effort to bring them closer spiritually.

Man, these two were such good sports that it wasn't until the guru asked Carly to take off Chris's pants that Carly admitted her hesitation. You probably won't remember Carly from Desiree's season but she is Zak's sister who sang with her strange-eyed guitar playing bro to serenade Desiree in hometowns. Zak bought Desiree that ring in anticipation, remember?

The family is obviously known for their eyes. Carly's are HUGE, like those Big Eyes paintings.

Chris and Carly were finally released from the guru's torture and had a heart to heart talk in a lodge-style setting where they both revealed their insecurities about not being good enough. Note to Carly: Stop saying "like." Cue the romantic guitar Bachelor music aaaannnnnndddd Kiss time.
Back from commercial we saw Ashley poo-poo ing Kelsey's widowhood and although we didn't want to diss a widow, we kind of wondered about Kelsey.
The group date involved Megan, Jade, Kailyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley and Kelsey. If you don't know who Samantha is, don't worry. Neither does Chris. Megan is the girl who thinks she's in Mexico, BTW.
Against the backdrop of red cliffs and eagles flying in the early morning light, the girls headed off to the Rio Grande for some river rafting! In full makeup! And extensions! Soon enough Cisco the rafter man had them dressed in dorky lifejackets and helmets, armed with paddles and quaking in their tennis shoes with fear about going over the side of the raft. With good reason, it appeared.
Jade fell in but was pulled out by the raft guy even though Kaitlyn tried but her arms are as big around as a coke can. Once out of the boats, Chris rubbed Jade's hypothermic feet and they drank champagne to celebrate. The real drama was short-haired Kelsey who seemed to LOVE bitching to the camera and quickly revealed an "I will not be ignored" Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction - ish quality to her dating style.
As her fake laugh bounced off the Rio Grande Canyon walls for hours after they left, Kelsey developed a strategic game plan.
The group date party at the Red Sage had former contestant, drunk girl Jordan, the twerker, showing up, having driven from Colorado to ask for a second chance. Chris Harrison said he was surprised to see her, but you have to know the producers ok'ed this bold move. The girls' claws came out when they saw Jordan joining the party and Whitney argued with Ashley about not being mean to Jordan. Ashley's plan was to get all the girls to freeze out the newcomer. cough, high school, cough. There just isn't enough mascara for another girl! Then when Chris decided to say bye bye to Jordan, Ashley joined in the fake smiles and hugs to wish her happy trails.
Chris Harrison said today that this is a particularly catty group and I have to think that Ashley isn't helping.
Whitney got the rose on the date, almost like Chris knew she opposed Ashley's bully plan and then the Kim Kardashian look alike went off to her bed with her bestie to pout and talk stink.


Britt gets the next date and the card indicates they are doing something sky high which sends the once front runner into hysterics because she's terrified of heights.

And showers it appears. Britt hasn't showered since she arrived and the other girls are either envious or repulsed. I can't tell. Strange thing is that she has gorgeous hair. Bad dye job but clean looking hair!
Very very early in the morning, Chris wakes up Britt in a dorm full of bedded girls, tells Carly to shhh and kisses Britt to wake her up. Okay, nobody kisses that enthusiastically at 4:30 without brushing their teeth. I have to think that she had a heads up warning. According to the girls, Britt applies fresh makeup for sleeping but doesn't shower. Hmm.
The date involves a sunrise hot air balloon ride that Britt is so excited for, we wonder about that fear of heights when they cruise over the Rio Grande Gorge a hundred feet up and Britt is kissing and smiling. Liar liar smelly red pants on fire.

Speaking of liars, after playing What's Under the Sheets in Chris's bed, Britt heads back to the hotel room and Kelsey slips away to execute her diabolical plan to use her story to secure a rose.
This is where it gets creepy. Kelsey tells her story about being widowed by Sanderson Po (I guess he was a singer or something and she feels the need to drop his name even though he's no longer with us) and tears are plentiful. Chris consoles her and then they kiss. Or rather she tries to kiss him. Personally, I think Chris felt how inappropriate this was after her revelation and tears, and pulled back. Then she dove in for another kiss. If Chris could've seen what this widow was saying about her story to the camera, it was very Fatal Attraction. Guidance counselor be damned. This gal needs therapy. She loves her story. Her story is amazing. Kelsey said "I know this is Chris's story but it's also my story. This is the unfolding of someone who's been through something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and another relationship." Then she suggested we tune in Monday nights at 8pm to watch her amazing transformation. Huh? The producers must've been salivating at this juicy footage. What a wacko.
Dressed up and ready for her God-given rose, Kelsey appears to be the cat who ate the canary on the couch at the cocktail party. In a private interview, Ashley is jealous that Kelsey's story is so much better than hers, like that's the criteria for catching the bachelor's attention. Too bad Ashley doesn't have a dead husband. Sensing what needs to be done, Chris cancels the cocktail party and tells CH he knows who has to leave. Dude, get her outta there before your rabbit gets boiled.

But Kelsey slipped off to the ladies room where CH said she turned off her microphone then ended up on the floor outside the bathroom wailing into a now turned on microphone, having a 'panic attack' with a medic in purple gloves. Then 'To Be Continued' flashed on the screen, a new thing for The Bachelor to keep viewers in pain all week.
Personally, I don't need to wait all week to see Kelsey being helped to her feet by Chris (who she clings to desperately) and him toying with the idea of keeping her around for her own health. This is how I think it should go down:
The producers bar Kelsey from seeing The Bachelor until she regains her composure. No Chris until she's back to normal. Then she might stand up, not receive a rose and realize the timing of her story was all wrong. Then someone should give that girl an Emmy for acting, not in a reality show but in a drama!
Last but not least, is Megan donning a sobrero. Okaaay. I think some body needs to get a little sober-o before they start talking to the camera. Just sayin'.


Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, an award-winning novel set in Hawaii that asks the question, what happened the day he never returned home?
She also writes a whimsical series The Husband Hunt, much like The Bachelor. Free on Amazon.

Ashley S is nuts and Chris's Sisters Arrive on The Bachelor!

Last night on The Bachelor we watched a date card arrive for a bevvy of ladies that said "Let's do what feels natural" that had most of the bevvy freaking in case they had to go without makeup. The ladies checked each other's hair extensions, applied false eyelashes and lipstick and headed out on the date in two vintage Pontiac convertibles to a lake. Or what Kelsey, the guidance counselor called a "hell hole" and "dingy pond" as she frowned her way through the group date's swimming portion.
I admit anyone on a group date with the Virgin Ashley has cause to complain but Kelsey was a downright downer. They swam, played with beach balls, posed on blow up air mattresses and suddenly Ashley got topless. Not to be outdone, Kaitlyn from Canada went bottomless. Such free spirits, those silly girls. While Kelsey listed her complaints, a bee had finally had enough whining and stung her. Elan, the producer with the wild hair, ran over to help but apparently Kelsey did not want Elan Gale examining her inner thigh. Nice try.

While all this was going on, Chris's three sisters had flown in (one from as far away as Ireland) to interview the remaining gals to see which one was best suited for the 'Cinderella' date that was planned with Chris the next night. After waking a snoring Jillian at the pool, the sisters took each candidate to another room and grilled them, job interview style.

Speaking of grilling, back at the lake Chris informed the women that they'd all be staying overnight, camping! This was not great news for the heavily made up girls who needed to get back to the mansion to their supply of eyelashes and face powder. I was laughing hysterically inside because this was a wonderful idea to weed out the gals who won't survive in Iowa. Ha ha ha. Still laughing.
The Canadian was wearing combat boots and had just flashed the camera her tushie and she loves to camp. (most of us do, or at least we like the campfire part-- and beer.) But Ashley I. went into panic mode.
Tents went up, (eventually MacKenzie and Ashley I. got theirs erected and the grilling began. See? This is my tie in from two paragraphs ago. Chris grilled steaks and the booze was brought out. The funniest scene of the night was with Ashley S. who got wired fast or was still wired, or is just that way naturally, and she wanted music around the campfire. Grabbing Juelia to help, she sang everyone's favorite campfire song -- "hold it, thumbs together, ta tee ta tee ta tee ta ta." What? The scene made me think that Kristen Wiig should play Ashley S. in the movie. Then Chris tried to talk privately to Ashley S. up on a hill. It went like this:

Chris: Hi
Ash: What are you? What?
Chris: What am I?
Ash: Well I know you're Scorpio. Look the moon. I love you.

And then it went downhill. Literally. More gibberish and then they went down a steep hill while the campfire girls watched like ambulance chasers. As I've told you before, Ashley S. has amazing balance and stayed upright even though she couldn't muster up a conversation.
After drinks and jokes, the party wound down and everyone went to their tents, Ashley I. decided to go to Chris's tent to yammer away at him, mercilessly, about her lack of experience. Funniest line of the night was her telling the camera that she's wife material as she snuck off to Chris's tent. Or her talking about her virginity, saying "He'll have to probe that area later on." You choose which one.

Back at the mansion, Jade got the Cinderella date, and next day when the campers returned Jade got to visit the transformation room. She was given a gorgeous blue dress, diamond earrings, Christian Louboutin shoes, and her own stylist, pink-haired Noni, who always looks the most desperate of anyone on property for the transformation room.
This date was a plug for the movie Cinderella and we were subjected to film clips after Jade was transformed and again on the date. Yawn. The funniest thing was that Ashley I. was beyond the beyond with jealousy over this date. She wanted the diamonds, the dress, the Rolls Royce that picked up Jade! Not a gracious bone in that virgin's body.
The next group date card came with 6 wedding dresses. The girls were to wear these pristine outfits through a muddy obstacle course in San Francisco called Muck Fest. Notice Buffed Jillian was the only one who had a short dress? I did. The others had to hike them up, or get pulled down by weighty mud.

Of course Jillian was destined to win anyhow and got the one on one date for dinner where she couldn't shut up about herself. In triple time, she told Chris the story of her life, her job, her dad, her everything, while Chris composed his shopping list in his head. At a break in the conversation he dove on the rose desperately and told her she was done before he had to sit through more. No rose. Bye bye.

The next day at the rose ceremony, Megan blindfolded the Bachelor to feed him fruit. Huh? We now know that Chris can tell the difference in taste between a raspberry and a banana. ? Ashley I. decided she must clarify that she's a virgin and dragged the poor guy outside to spell it out for him.

Afterwards, she spent at least an hour crying that his reaction wasn't absolutely perfect and she might be done for. Shut up, already! This drama is a good hint as to exactly why she's a virgin.
Chris kissed Carly the singer then gets grilled by Britt about how all the other girls think he's playing favorites with Kaitlyn, someone she doesn't seem fond of. Fastest way to the door, Britt, but then you don't look like an Iowa contender anyhow. Chris is absolutely tongue-tied by her ambush, then has an epiphany and leaves the conversation abruptly.
An interesting note here is that all the mansion's bathrooms have numerous bottles of hairspray and not the pump kind that saves the ozone layer. Hmmmm.

At the ceremony, Britt got her rose last in a not-so-subtle message to lay off the jealousy or else. The girls who went home this week, sadly were Juelia, Nikki and Ashley S. who had some more strange strings of unintelligible thoughts to say to the camera. I'll miss that gal!
Note to producers: You must include Ashley S in the girls tell all. Maybe even make her the next Bachelorette!

Next week is Santa Fe, balloon rides and Kelsey ends up on the floor somewhere with a medic either laughing her fake laugh or writhing in pain. (Fine line).
See you then!


Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, an award-winning novel set in Hawaii that asks the question, what happened the day he never returned home?
She also writes a whimsical series The Husband Hunt, much like The Bachelor. Free on Amazon.

Brokeback Bachelor with Chris Soules and Jimmy Kimmel

Week 3 in The Bachelor had a clever addition to the guest list--Jimmy Kimmel! Stroke of genius for having him shadow both Chrises and poke his nosey nose into the mix.

First good idea: The Amazing Jar. Jimmy set a large jar on the table so that every time someone said "amazing" they owed the jar a dollar. And if you're a Bachelor fan, you know that word gets tossed around as much as the words "journey" and "looking for love." Heck, by the time Jimmy stopped telling the girls he was personally going to make love to each of them to help Chris with his decision, the jar had $3.
First date card was from Jimmy telling Kaitlyn (Canadian) they were going to an exclusive club. Turned out to be Costco and with the shopping list in hand, Chris and Kaitlyn bought a ton of unnecessary stuff that some intern from ABC would have to return later. After goofing around at Costco, they grilled steaks and played house for their guest at Chris's abode.

With the help of a bottle of bourbon, the three laughed uproarishly (Chris giggled in that high girly way) and a great time was had by all. Kaitlyn is funny but then she's Canuck. :) They finished the date with kissing in the hot tub, and the camera panning right to see Jimmy in the corner watching them. #threesome
The group date with twelve girls (12!!!!)  had them competing on a farmer-type race to shuck corn, drink warm goat milk and catch a greased baby pig. The cruise ship singer, Carly, was driven to win this thing and tried to ignore Jillian the buffed body builder who hopped the pig fence in one leap. I think it's super funny that the show continues to block out Jillian's butt in a black rectangle because apparently Jillian LOVES her butt. Carly won and got the amazing ($1) honor of getting her photo taken with Chris in costumes a la American gothic. Wow. Lucky her!
Then off to the rooftop cocktail party where Chris giggled and did some talking, dancing and kissing with all the girls.

Those farmers sure like to kiss! MacKenzie called him out on all the kissing then awkwardly tried to take it back. Jillian looked predatory with her arm around Britt, and Becca had a nice normal talk with Chris and explained why she'll wait to kiss him. Amazing move! ($2) She got a rose.

The one on one went to Whitney the Disney princess-voiced nurse who cried to hear her name on the card. They ended up at a winery and pretended to crash a wedding, on the winery lawn. Rumor has it that the bachelor producers later thanked Nick and Shannon for agreeing to the crash. Did anyone wonder why no one seemed to recognize Chris? Or how the bride didn't come right out and say "we don't know you guys!" Still it was a cute schtick. Whitney redeemed herself as a possible contender but only if she has vocal chord surgery.

The next morning Chris and Jimmy Kimmel showered together thereby creating the hashtag Brokeback Bachelor and Chris headed off the to the Girlie Mansion for a pool party.

The beach balls flew, sunscreen was applied, pecs were flashed (Jillian) and then Juelia took Chris aside to tell him about her husband's suicide. Wa Wa Wa.

The only way to save the party was for Jade to take Chris to his house for a tour. Of the bed! They got down and dirty fast and then on the way out discovered Jillian waiting in the hot tub in her predatory way. Cue the sexy saxophone music. I bet she's a feared news producer. She scares me. When others tried to join them, she vibed them out but they came back eventually.
Back at the mansion, Chris found tearful Ashley I who was upset to not get alone time and all but pulled him off the roof with her in a weird embrace. Now I can believe that she's never had a boyfriend.

At the Rose Ceremony "Pack UP!" Kimmel did an amazing ($3) impersonation of Chris Harrison, and Chris Soules got to work handing out the thornless roses. Ashley I got hers last which is customarily a sign that that girl is hanging on by the skin of her teeth and better buck up.
Apparently she suggested that Chris give her one of the first roses and not make her wait. Cough. Virgin. Cough.
On another note, Ashley S. was super quiet this week but continued to stare vacantly off into nothing. Can't wait to see her on Girls Tell All!

Tomorrow is another episode and I'm excited to see if the Amazing Jar is still there.

Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, an award-winning novel set in Hawaii that asks the question, what happened the day he never returned home?
She also writes a whimsical series The Husband Hunt, much like The Bachelor. Free on Amazon.

The Bachelor Chris Soules is a Giggler!

Note: Due to a recent threat to sue me over a photo used on my blog last year which was purchased by the suing party months after I used it, I'm only using photos that I own now.

Chris Soules, the farmer from Iowa who captured our hearts on The Bachelorette began his journey to love weeks ago, giggling and smiling his way through the first rose ceremony. Since I last blogged there have been two more episodes. Oops! I've been on Maui where I chose to eat Mahi Mahi at beachside restaurants instead of watching Monday TV, but I'm caught up now and WOW!

Here is Week 2:

The second episode of the season picked up at the end of the first rose ceremony, Kimberly (love the name) was eliminated but went back in to grab Chris and begged him to keep her, saying she felt she was meant to stay. Of course his soft heart pooled on the mansion's flagstone to hear this. As the girls shot daggers at Kimberly with their eyes, he told everyone that she'd get another chance. Oh goody, they thought, more competition.

The following morning (or later that morning) Chris Harrison (CH) told the girls that Bachelor Chris is living just down the driveway and all but pushed them out the door to go borrow butter and sugar and whatever other mischief they could get in to.

The first date that day was a group effort asking the girls to show their country. Dressed in cowboy boots, cut offs and bikini's six of them took off in the limos to a downtown L.A. rooftop pool party.  REal country would have had them swimmin' in the crick, don't you agree?After getting wet, they walked along the Los Angeles streets and high rises in their bikinis to a tractor race in a blocked off/deserted concrete jungle area. The Kim Kardashian look alike, Ashley I, who has never had a boyfriend and is a virgin, ( wink  ) won the snail-pace tractor race and got to sit awkwardly on the tractor for an hour-long conversation with Chris. Yee Haw! This date so far was an epic fail, stupid (walking in bikini's) and boring.

Not just that but sitting on hay bales in a bathing suit must've been prickly awful, but Chris got to business and quickly picked McKenzie, the curly-haired single mom, for one on one drinks at a local pub and to talk about aliens and parenting. The others returned home.
Meanwhile, Megan and buffed Jillian snuck into Chris's house to rummage around, prompted by producers I'm sure. Megan banged her head against the wall a few times to test Chris's motorcycle helmet but not much tom foolery was captured on camera.

For the next day's one on one date, Chris chose Megan, the makeup artist, to fly to Las Vegas on a private jet, board a helicopter, and tour the Grand Canyon. They landed at a picturesque river bed to eat, drink and kiss. I spent most of the date wondering if Megan had extensions and how a makeup artist could not know that dark lipstick wasn't flattering on her. Chris ended up in the lipstick soon enough and strangely enough, it was quite flattering on him.

Group Date #2 was a creepy paintball course in the dark with zombies lumbering towards the terrified girls. The only girl who wasn't absolutely freaked out was Ashley S who was too drunk or something to be afraid. She moved about the set like a zombie herself and how she couldn't get a real sentence out of her mouth yet managed to stalk and shoot zombies, was beyond me. By now it's obvious that she's either mentally WAAYY out there or on something hallucinogenic and I'd vote for the latter. Some people have amazing balance when wired. Here's an example of Ashley S's ability to make sense:
Chris: How are you holding up?
Ashley: I don't even know what that means.
Chris: Just how are you?
Ashley: Are we in a dome?

As the Canadian girl, Kaitlyn said, she shouldn't have had a weapon in her hands. "She shouldn't even be holding a wet noodle." Meanwhile Jordan back at the house had been drinking since she arrived and in a drunken stupor tried to twerk on the wall. The liquor supply this year must be quite something.

The rose ceremony, which I like to call "Go Packup!" had the ladies lining up, desperately trying to catch Farmer Chris's eyes and hear their names. Buffed Jillian slipped when she only thought she heard her name and tried to retreat in embarrassment. Cue the nervous giggling. Thankfully she ended with a rose and saved face. Kimberly did not. Nor did the tall cowgirl, or Tandra, or a brunette that didn't get much airtime. Surprisingly enough, Ashley S got a rose. Chris must see something in the wigged out talker. I keep thinking it's a joke and we'll hear that she's Chris's cousin and was planted for inside info. Why else would he keep her with all the wackadoodle talk?

Tomorrow I will post my take on Week 3 which was January 19th's show. In the meantime, if you're having problems remembering who's who on the show, this might help:

Britt - First Impression, Often seen with arms around Jillian
Jillian - Excerciser, Often seen with arms around Britt
Kaitlyn- Canadian, Sailor mouth
Whitney - Blonde with Disney princess voice
Tara- Tall Cowgirl
Juelia - Has daughter, husband dead
Jordan - Drunk Blonde
Ashley S - Wide-eyed blonde spouting gibberish
Ashley I - Kim Kardashian with belly ring
Jade - Quiet Brunette with freckles
Becca - Blonde with white teeth
Nikki - One of the brunettes ?
Samantha - Brunette with striking blue eyes
Kelsey - short hair, cardigans
Carly- Cruise ship singer
Tandra - Tall Blonde?

Hope this explains a few things. It'll get easier every week.

Kim Hornsby is a novelist with bestselling The Dream Jumper's Promise, having over 60,000 downloads on Amazon and 235 reviews. She writes a series based on The Bachelor called The Husband Hunt, novellas that are available on Amazon, the first one free!

Suncadia Writer's Retreat near Seattle!

 
Suncadia Writers’ Retreat
2015   

Back by popular demand!

March 20-22^nd Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon

Suncadia Washington, 90 minutes east of Seattle

Come to Write*Clear Your Head*Network*Plot Your Novel*Get Inspired

East of the Cascade Mountains, overlooking a myriad of golf courses, is a resort development named Suncadia. The annual retreat takes place in a mountain lodge-style home where writers gather to exchange ideas, plot their next book, and write in the peacefulness of the surrounding forest.

Join us for the second annual Suncadia Writers’ Retreat for two full days and two nights of solitude and networking with other writers. 

$200 includes:

Both nights accommodation in a comfortable bed (private beds will be twin-sized in a shared room or bunk room, couples and friendly friends might get queen or king. Specify when registering if you can share a bed, and with whom.) All House amenities (pool and spa usage at the main Lodge)

Friday Dinner - Pizza Bar with Veggie and Gluten free options

2 Continental Breakfasts - coffee/tea station, fruit, muffins/pastries

Lunch - Salads, bagels & cheese

Saturday Dinner - Grilled Salmon and Chicken, Bread and Salad, Dessert

Participants are asked to bring their own beverages and anything else to supplement the skeleton menu to suit their dietary needs. (Candy, Alcohol, Gluten free)

Retreat Schedule 

Friday 4-6 Arrival, Settle In, Go for Walk, Network

            6-7  Pizza Dinner Party - BYOB

            7-8 Roundtable to Discuss Writing Goals

             8-10 Hot Tub, Fire Pit, Write, Discuss

Saturday 7-10 Breakfast

               10-12 Quiet Time in House to write (Shhh)

               12-1 Lunch

               1-2 Optional Workshop in Great Room on Characterization w Christine Fairchild

               1- 4 Quiet Time to write,

               4-5 Break to go for walks, talk, hot tub, network

               5- 6 Happy Hour and Roundtable discussion

               6- 8 Dinner

               8-10 Firepit Topic: To be announced

                       Hot tub Topic: To be announced

Sunday 7-11 Brunch/Write - Optional Marketing Workshop w Kim Hornsby

             11-12 Pack and Checkout

 

What to Bring: Laptop or Tablet or Notebook and Pen, Extension Cord, Earplugs, Supplementary Food and Drinks, Warm coat and walking shoes, Comfy clothes, Toiletries

Transportation: We can car pool there on Friday. Just let me know you’re interested and we’ll set this up the week before.

The House: Deluxe Accommodations includes all bedding, WiFi and many amenities such as a hot tub, fireplace, full chef’s kitchen and more. The house rental will be determined by the number of participants, but here’s a possibility.:

Grand Fir Lodge http://www.vrbo.com/302762

 Email me at KimHornsby at yahoo dot com

Send your check (either deposit or full amount) to
 Kim Hornsby, 3128 2014^th Court NE, Sammamish, WA 98074

Hope to see you at Suncadia!

Questions?

kimhornsby@yahoo dot com

 

Kim Hornsby

www.facebook.com/kimhornsby

www.kimhornsbyauthor.net

www.blogspot.kimhornsby.com

http://amzn.com/B00AA4FAJC

 

The Bachelor Begins!

Readers: The photos have been removed because of the threat of a lawsuit from a Copyright troller on the internet. They buy a popular photo and then threaten to sue you if you use it. apparently it's a new business. Until I figure out how to afford photos or find free photos of The Bachelor, I'm leaving out the pics. :(

Monday night had us Bachelor fans eagerly parked in front of the HDTV waiting for the event that got us through the busy Christmas season, gave us reason to get up Monday morning with a smile, and kept us humming all day.
The Bachelor is back!
And Farmer Chris, who we really liked on The Bachelorette, is the guy looking for his wife this winter and describing this experience as the best opportunity a man could have. Um... Okay. I guess Chris never wanted to be an astronaut on an expedition to the moon or to eat a Klondike bar. But I'm getting ahead of myself in both story and in anticipation because the producers of The Bachelor got a cockamamie idea to milk this for all they could and made us sit through an hour of watching everyone arrive at the tin sound stage building which was as interesting and thrilling as watching glue harden. I switched to Celebrity Apprentice where I developed a new dislike for the smarmy, full of himself Geraldo Rivera. OMG. He needs to be taken down a notch or twenty.

My hubby watched The Bachelor's first hour, a red-carpet/interviewing fiasco with fans behind ropes and Chris Harrison catching Bachelor alumni/family/stars on the way in to the viewing which probably happened last week, you understand. He asked the 'stars' the same old questions he always asks them about when's the wedding, how do you like me?, that type of thing.
I drifted in and out of the room but was too bored/disgusted to sit down and watch. Just as well because the Bachelor people (not contestants but paid employees like Chris H.) can't stop running off their mouths about Juan Pablo. Never, in the history of the Bachelor has one man made so many lower level producers so furious and hateful, it seems. I did catch C.H,'s drilling on Nikki over how she could have made such a horrible mistake in dating Juan Pablo. Sheesh, it's like high school over there at Bachelor headquarters. I imagine the less mature producers are egging Chris on and laughing behind the camera like they got the nerd to make a fool out of himself again on camera. That or C.H. has a real vendetta out for J.P. and cannot get over it to save his career. You'd think Juan Pablo threatened to burn down Bachelor Pad or something the way they can't let the legend of J.P. go. A statement has been made, C.H. We know you hate him. Move on.

Here's my quickish recap of the first night of Chris Soules, the dashing farmer/entrepreneur from Iowa's Bachelor season.
There were a lot of ladies coming out of limousines in everything from gowns and cocktail dresses to almost underwear and short shorts. The first fifteen ladies were greeted by Chris and then a small party ensued in the mansion. Where were the other ladies? Could the Bachelor producers have changed the format of the show? By this point in the franchise, everyone has heard of The Bachelor except those living on that satellite in space where they measure atmospheric anomalies. There's supposed to be 25 girls. The ladies were restless but not nearly as restless as they became when the final 15 arrived in more limousines and then there were girls absolutely everywhere.One even rode up on a motorcycle. Of course she did. There were girls teaching Chris to dance, girls telling him that they are crazy-obsessed with him, girls getting drunk on Jack Daniels (think cowboy boots and short shorts) and girls singing badly on a portable karaoke machine.
Bless that Iowa boy for trying to talk to every single girl!

Several stood out to me and to Chris as well because he picked his 15 or was that 20? and sent the rest packing, including the girl with the big eyes and anyone who seemed a little too obsessed with him already. Wait, no, those girls got to stay. By the time filming stopped that night, it was noon the next day according to the sun dial in amongst the fake flowers in the yard. Did you notice how bright the sun was after the rose ceremony? One of the ousted, named Kimberley, just couldn't believe that she was leaving and went back inside to talk to Chris.
That's where we pick up next week; with Chris discussing the possibility of her joining the filly paddock, I mean the hopefuls, to vie for Chris' heart.
I like the first impression rose gal, Britt (who didn't?) and the girl with the short brown hair curled (such guts to not die it blonde and get extensions for the show!) Who did you like?

See y'all next week where I'll have had time to think up some Iowa farming jokes and references and maybe to forgive the Canuck girl for a tasteless reference to plowing, and then a stupid tasteless joke at the party. Those Canadians!

See you next week.

Kim Hornsby is a Bestselling author with novel available on Amazon. She also writes a novella series, The Husband Hunt, that resembles The Bachelor. But what she's most known for is her housekeeping skills.