Andi Dorfman Nixes the Fantasy Suite!

This week I flew to the Dominican Republic to romance three gorgeous men without a care in the world. Oh wait. Not me. Andi.

Last night's episode of The Bachelorette took us south (unless you live in the Southern Hemisphere) to the island of the Dominican Republic. It's the co-joined twin of Haiti in the Caribbean. Took me three tries to spell that last word! Don't ask  me to spell Hispaniola.

Andi pulls her own small suitcase, yea right, along the marble floor to her tropical paradise hotel room and ponders her week with the last three men who have stolen her heart. As I watched her apply makeup in her bathroom mirror, I got a few tips on how to lightly dust my non-existent cheekbones with blush to add a hint of bone structure. Nice.

The first date was with Nick, the man who was awarded the first impression rose way back when, the Software Sales Executive in Chicago and man-mumbler. His earlier tweet told his mother to not let Bella watch the show and hashtagged #fantasysuites so I assumed they'd accept the proverbial key at the end of their date.

First stop, a private island via helicopter, where they picnicked and swam and avoided awkward moments where Nick could not blurt out the three words Andi was hoping to hear. He tried to tell her that he loved her but like a big ole potato stuck in the throat, they wouldn't emerge farther than the larynx. Swim time! My favorite quote on this date was when Andi said "He's got a body on him." Of course I took it literally and giggled in my chair. Everyone has a body on them or they'd just be a head. Did anyone else notice the coral seemed phallic-shaped when they snorkeled? Those clever producers and camera people, planting ideas in our minds.
Nick wrote Andi an adorable book/fairytale about their relationship so far, complete with child-like drawings that I'm pretty sure Bella did when they were on hometowns. It was super-cute and allowed Nick the confidence to pull Andi aside to the shadows, pose against a palm tree and tell her he loves her (with his hands behind his back). They kissed passionately afterwards and headed to the Fantasy Suite to talk and stuff all night. Nick was very child-like on this date--insecure and bashful, which led me to believe they might just have an all-night game of hangman or thumb wars.


Josh, my personal favorite, had the next date and the editors showed lots of talk to the camera shots of her doubting her feelings for the big galloot. Sadly, there was no scarf on this date but Josh was able to be Mr. Fun Guy anyhow dancing in the street with Andi, speaking Spanish to the natives (I was wildly impressed), and even drinking a potion to insure virility. Who wouldn't want to hang with him, potion or not, scarf or not? At a kids' baseball game (not official little league--just normal kids playing baseball on a dusty baseball field), they joined the fun, ran around, mingled with kids and Josh proved himself as a potential great dad. Sitting in the shade afterwards with a giant coconut drink, the two lovebirds talked about parenting. Now, if you've actually had children there's nothing that squashes romance like a talk about parenting but for these two it seemed to up the attraction factor.
At dinner Josh fast-talked in his Elvis voice and did all but propose marriage. He wants this woman to be his forever. He's ready to make this legal, add Andi to the Josh and his dog Sabel family. Andi isn't allowed to talk about her feelings but the evening ended in noisy kissing in the fantasy suite pool. Cut to the full moon, fuzz the focus and fade out.

The next day Andi had a horseback riding date with Chris, the farmer from Iowa. But Andi is as scared of horses as I am and I had to chug a huge glass of wine to calm my jitters as she bounced and trotted and swore her head off down the dusty road. Horses are terrifying! Chris expertly rode beside her. They stopped at a scenic pullout for wine and a quick game of daylight Ghost in the Graveyard. Favorite quote on this date was Chris saying he loved the tractor ride in Iowa where Andi "hopped on my lap and went to town."

At dinner, Andi did not look particularly happy and we wondered if Chris's dirty pants on the riding date had put her off. Someone tell him he has a dirty butt, producers! Andi didn't even get to dinner, wine, or the fantasy suite card before she started to explain to the big farmer that it isn't Iowa that has come between them. No. apparently she can see herself driving that tractor into the sunset with Chris. But she can't make him wait for a rose ceremony for two days, wondering if he's going to spend the rest of his life with the woman he loves. It's not Iowa. It's him. Phew! As Chris realizes that she's dumping him and he needs to leave, he eloquently reassures her that he'll be okay and she walks him out. The date ends before it begins. But Andi, he could move the farm to L.A. (you have to know that Andi is probably not going back to being a D.A. in Atlanta after this.)
Can't Chris play a farmer on a TV show so we can watch him every week? We are grieving today, not for Andi and Chris, who weren't well suited but for ourselves who won't see Chris anymore, except on The Men Tell All. He won't be the next Bachelor. No way. It's corn season.

At the rose ceremony, Andi gave Josh and Nick the roses and explained that Chris was gone as her bright red mumu screamed for a belt and they toasted to themselves. Now there is only Nick and Josh left. Who will she end up with? Social media knows because of Reality Steve and also because Andi has been spotted with the lucky man lately, something she's not supposed to do but for those of you who want to wait two weeks to find out, my lips are sealed. And this blog.
Next week, The Men Tell All.

Kim Hornsby is the author of The Husband Hunt, an Amazon book series based on THE BACHELOR, as well as blogging about the reality show. When she isn't writing, Kim is performing open heart surgery, birthing triplets and keeping a tidy house.

The Bachelorette- What's with the Scarves?

The most complicated part of writing this blog today is that I did not blog the last two episodes and feel like I've let someone down.
I've been busy. I wanted to catch up by writing about the last two shows but now think it's easier to just move on. So I'll simply say that the men remaining on the show after Venice, Italy are Marcus, Nick, Josh, Brian, Chris and Dylan. Only four will go to hometowns. Let's see who.

The group jetted to Belgium next where it looked like you could see your breath. Remember this was April.
First thing I noticed when the men sat around in a group in their Brussels hotel room was that a door to door scarf salesman must've made a killing with this group. Four of the six had trendy scarves knotted fashionably around their necks. I laughed out loud.

The date card singled out Marcus for some wandering around Brussels and eating mussels in a café while Marcus's accent scarf went slightly askew. At dinner, they talked of Marcus's difficult relationship with his mother while eating once again in an ornately gorgeous, historical room. Marcus opened up about his family, admitted he's falling in love and the date ended on a nice note.











The next date card comes and the first name read is Josh. And the last name read is Josh. It's the next one on one. Josh adjusts his scarf and heads off to explore chocolate shops.

Andi snuggled in under the arm of the big hunk who talks too fast to understand. When she asked him questions, words poured from his mouth too quickly for us to hear but that's ok. He says the same thing four different ways in a stream of run on sentences so if you miss the first two sentences, you'll get the gist on the last one. This, along with his declaration that he hasn't dated anyone in years and won't say "I love you" until he's ready to propose makes Josh seem unbelievable.
When she got home and had just let her hair down, Nick knocked at her door, having lied at the hotel front desk to get her room number. After changing into jeans they went for a rule-breaking walk/kissfest outside. Hmmmm.

The group date was weird. They walked onto the property of a monastery and the only rule was no kissing on the grounds. That was weird #1. On the lawn, the four men sat at a coffee table laden with cheese and wine and Andi took them off for some alone time individually. Chris got his time with Andi showing her, a la the movie Ghost, how to throw a pot in a potter's studio. Nick got his alone time but wasn't allowed to kiss, Brian was able to desperately tell her how much she means to him
and Dylan barely got air time even though he'd taken out his hair from the hotel room top knot that some stylist must've told him looked good (or the scarf salesman). Weird date. All they did was sit around that coffee table. As it got dark out there on the lawn, Andi had a rose to give out and handed it to smarmy Nick who none of the men like. He remained to take Andi for dinner, now the only man assured of having a hometown date.

At the rose ceremony Andi arrived in a mirror dress perhaps to remind the men to look back at themselves and their motives for being on the show. Only Chris seems to really want a wife out of this and took her aside at the last minute before the roses were given out to either blow the whistle on Nick or kiss her. He kissed her, she broke it off PDQ and they headed back to eliminate Dylan and Brian, the obvious. Brian moped outside and when he heard laughter in the house, he assumed it was about him. Poor guy.

Next week Andi goes to meet parents and will hopefully find out why Nick is so analytical about this game, I mean this opportunity to meet his wife, why Chris is even on this show if he lives in a town of 758 people and never wants to leave Iowa, why Josh talks so fast, and why Marcus's mother ruled with an iron fist.

These days we don't have to wait to find out who wins, what happens, sometimes even what they eat on dates. Sources report back to a dude who calls himself Reality Steve and he has been divulging what happens in subsequent weeks on his blog since 2009.
 But now the internet is full of reports via this blog. Steve is right 99% of the time. People at restaurants, hotels, even flights, send Steve photos, reports and videos of the men.

Don't continue to read if you want to be surprised in the weeks to come. I give hints.
SPOILER ALERT ahead.

From reading these reports I've learned who wins. I'm not that invested in this season and don't care that much about Andi's happiness, like in the past. So I read ahead to see who she ends up with. I have my favorite for her and it looks like she ends up with him.
I also learned something that really makes me sad that the media can dredge up this information. The man who wins (?) sends more Snapchat photos to his ex-girlfriend (who also dated this man's brother) than Andi in June, a month that they are supposed to be in love, waiting to reveal to the world how happy they are. I hope he has a good reason for his snapchat numbers because there's no way Andi doesn't know this now.
Also, I learned that one man in the last four has dated so many gals around town that when Reality Steve showed up to do a radio program, it turned out the host once dated the contestant. And the internet has a video of the eliminated contestant in the last two phoning someone from his plane ride home after he got booted. He was understandably upset but this call is so revealing that I'm glad Andi didn't end up with him.
And now I feel badly for Andi, even though I'm fully aware that she can take care of herself. It seems like the man she chose has some 'splaining to do about the snapchats.

With life conducted on the internet, phones and through photos that can be shared around the world in a second, nothing is private anymore. Not as long as you have a smartphone and use it.

Kim Hornsby is the author of The Husband Hunt, a free novella on Amazon books that resembles a season of The Bachelor.
She is also the Best Selling author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE a love story on Amazon.

Calm Before the Storm on THE BACHELORETTE

The drama is just beginning on The Bachelorette and we can't wait to see what's going to happen tonight. Did everyone remember that last night (Sunday) was a special installment? And we get to watch again tonight? As Wayne and Garth said in Wayne's World "we're not worthy."

Last night's episode had Andi heading to Santa Barbara, two hours north of the L.A. mansion, for her dates. The first date was given to Nick V. who isn't classically handsome but is boyishly cute and last night declared he has a crush on Andi. Again, it looks like she could eat this guy for breakfast but seemed charmed by his admission. They hiked around, hugged and kissed a bit, later having dinner on the steps of a courthouse where Nick said "like" twelve times in the same sentence, my daughter announced when she wandered in to the room.

The group date saw the men load into limos bound for Santa Barbara, to do some singing. The opera singer in the group took every on-camera opportunity to hit a few notes and talk about how he'd surely win the group date rose because he was the only one who could sing. Hold your pitch pipe there, Buddy. Don't you watch the show? No one ever gets that rose for talent, only good sportsmanship. Turned out they learned a BoyZ 2 Men song and performed in a public market on stage, crucifying the song "I'll Make Love to You". It was cute, funny and painful to listen to. And the men could not sing to save their lives. Tasos wasn't bad. Is that his name?

But why doesn't Marquel get more airtime? He seems really sweet and I for one would like to hear who he is. Opera Man crucified the song with his operatic style. At the party later, Josh got some kissy kissy time with Andi, declaring his interest in being with her more and was rewarded with the rose. Marcus looked crushed seeing he thinks he's the only one who's kissed her and that they have something way more special than anything she has with anyone else.

Marcus is either going to leave in tears or turn into the stalker of the season. Too bad he's getting so hooked so early.




Then was a one on one date with JJ. The tall/small twosome was transformed into 88 year olds with makeup, hair and costumes and set free in Santa Barbara to roam the boardwalk and parks, asking people to take pictures of them.
Not sure if they fooled anyone but when they began to play football and do cartwheels, I'm sure onlookers wondered what was up. That and the ABC TV cameras following two elderly people on their scooters. It was a cute idea and JJ played along like a pro even though he looked just like Bad Grampa.

Trouble was that without the costume, he was a bit needy and self-depreciating on the date. Andi looked bored. Coming to dinner as a handsome young man would've been JJ's time to wow his date after hanging around all day in liver spots, but instead JJ talked about being a geek. I guess anyone who describes his profession as a Pantstrapreneur is bound to be quirky.

Next the cocktail party. The big drama of the night was when JJ told Josh that Andrew not only got a waitress's phone number recently on a date, but bragged to the car full of men, then proceeded to brag to his bedroom mates about the acquisition. Not cool.
But the funny part was JJ got Josh to do the dirty work after telling him about this. He stood back with drink in hand and let Josh confront the culprit.
Andrew walked away and they followed him through the house with cameras hot on the trail, JJ standing back to let Josh get madder by the minute. Bachelorette producers were probably salivating at this. Finally the drama begins.





When Andi arrived at the party, she took Eric aside for a talk, flowers were delivered couch side and ruined the moment simply because the bouquet was from Nick V., not Eric. A nice touch from Nick but because we now know that Eric leaves the show soon and dies soon after, it was a strange moment to watch. Shortly after, Marcus took Andi aside and they kiss in a doorway, then Andi grabs Nick to thank him for the flowers and they do some kissing. Andi's lips are getting a workout early on this season.
At eliminations, she lets the opera singer and the hairdresser go. Ron has already left due to a mysterious phone call in the driveway that was explained after he packed his things and told the guys he was checking out. A good friend died.



Tonight is another episode and it looks like someone writes a letter to tell Andi of Andrew's smarmy phone number collection and she gets super mad, hurt and shows everyone the door. Can't wait!


Kim Hornsby is the author of The Husband Hunt, a free novella on Amazon Books that strangely resembles the TV show, The Bachelor. If you like this reality series, download the novella on a Tuesday when you're pining for a new episode!
Kim is the Bestselling Author of The Dream Jumper's Promise, which was nominated for best indie first book and best Paranormal in 2013.Publisher's Weekly calls it a "fascinating and engaging paranormal romance."

The Bachelorette Deflects the Drunk Guy and more!

November 24,2014 Update
There are no photos in this blog because a photo used from the internet belonged to someone who asked me to take it down. Not sure which photo they were referring to, I decided to remove all pictures from this blog.


This season's The Bachelorette has begun and although I vowed to not watch because Andi was downright mean-spirited on national TV to Juan Pablo, I'm watching. Of course, I'm watching. As stupid as this show looks on paper, it fulfills something in me and I look forward to Monday night like it's my only form of happiness all week. (which it isn't if you're now feeling sorry for me)

Andi Dorfman took a leave of absence from her DA job in Atlanta (What??) to be the next Bachelorette. One clue that this is a good transition is how much makeup and the high heels she wore to ghetto areas where she tromped through overgrown yards to catch criminals.



Despite the odds, this lawyer really believes that she might find eternal love on the show. With a closet full of cute clothes and advice from her sister, Andi began her stint on the show in a gorgeous gown of jeweled opulence. The first order of business was greeting 25 men at the mansion's hosed-down driveway. Some of the men were bordering on goofy, some quite nervous and most very handsome. This Bachelorette differs from all other ladies who wore the Bachelorette shoes in that she's quick witted, has snappy repartee and speaks well under pressure. The exchanges with the men who emerged from the limo were cute, fun and interesting. What made Andi go on and on and on about what she hated about Juan Pablo is the very thing that makes her different. She's wordy and well spoken. Not like Kelly Clarkson's I can't stop talking, sort of way. Andi is funny and her choice of words and phrases are clever.
Inside the mansion, she toasted her bevvy of men who were fawning over the highly made up, bejeweled woman like she was the only gorgeous creature in the room. Oh, she was. So naturally they are all lusting after her like hungry lions fighting over a potential mate. The front runners on that first night seemed to be Nick, one of 11 children,

a guy who doesn't seem that special on camera but got the first impression rose, the handsome basketball player, Josh, who doesn't want to be stereotyped, a quiet man named Marcus, of German descent with piercing blue eyes, Eric Hill, who we now know died in a paragliding accident a month ago, Marquel, a devilishly handsome and well-spoken man with a penchant for colorful clothing and Chris, a gentle farmer from Iowa.

Andi eliminates all the men with long hair in the first rose ceremony even though one of them is a doctor and then she moves on to the remaining contestants. Although she lets the guy go who introduced himself as Anal with an m, she keeps the muscular Macklemore lookalike and the goofy goofball puppy doggish boyman Craig who turns out to be the honorary drunkard on the group date days later.







Party crasher...Anyone remember Chris on Emily's season who later went on to Bachelor Pad? I never liked him but now I like him less. He flew out to L.A. lurking around, waiting for Andi's first night and showed up at the rose ceremony with roses, hoping to be on the show. Andi sent him packing via Chris Harrison and he looked genuinely upset like his stalker behavior might be received differently. Didn't Chris see others try this on previous shows? It never ends well. Just wait six months Chris, until you see a newly single Andi at a Bachelor alumni party in Los Angeles and you can hit on her then.

The first date was a one on one with Eric Hill, a handsome adventurer who playfully captures Andi's interest first by making sand castles on the beach with her and then snowboarding at Big Bear only an hour later. You can't watch this part of the show without feeling sad that this vibrant young man is no longer on this earth. He was a lovely person but as his sister said, he died doing what he loved. Adventuring. According to what I read, his crash was very sudden and he died instantly.
The group date involved just about everyone else. The Bachelor producers disguised a Chippendales type display of beefcake behind a charity fundraiser, giving the viewers an embarrassing view of the men's bodies and ability to show them off. Sharleen and Kelly arrived to sit with Andi in the audience while the men danced for charity. Yea, right. Shame on the producers again! Last season Andi practically posed naked with Juan Pablo to save dogs and now the men are asked to strip to speedos and dance provocatively for some other charity. Although it was almost entertaining in a cringe-worthy way, the smarminess didn't go unnoticed by this viewer and I'm mad at the producers for doing this. Like when they made the one-armed girl roller skate. Shame on them.
The group date was cut short when Craig, the token drunk in the group, had too much to drink and ruined everything. Why they didn't just cart him off and continue on, is beyond me. Come on Andi, use your lawyer savvy and charge him with something and send him to Bachelor Jail to sober up.
The next one on one date was with Chris the sweet Iowa farmer. He was charming but maybe gave away a little too much on the first date. This girl is citified, savvy and smart and capable of eating guys for breakfast.


At the rose ceremony she got rid of Craig the drunk, in spite of the fact he sang her a terrible song he wrote to apologize. She also let the fireman, Carl, go which I thought was a bad idea. He was quiet but kinda handsome and intriguing.
First kiss I believe was with Josh the basketball player with the big smile. Did we hear that he has a girlfriend? Is that coming up in a tearful episode?

 

Sunday is the next installment. And Monday. Lucky us! Apparently Eric Hill leaves suddenly and the men aren't sure what happened.
The Bachelorette is back and filling up Monday nights! Phew!

Kim Hornsby is the author of The Husband Hunt, a free novella on Amazon Books that strangely resembles the TV show, The Bachelor. If you like this reality series, download the novella on a Tuesday when you're pining for a new episode!
Kim is the Bestselling Author of The Dream Jumper's Promise, which was nominated for best indie first book and best Paranormal in 2013.Publisher's Weekly calls it a "fascinating and engaging paranormal romance."