I'm going to make this as short as I can and still use words like creepy drunk guy and popularity contest.
First up on the first night of a two part season opener, we see a few clips of contestants, which the Bachelor people call cast mates like Disney does. We watched a guy welding a rose, a Princeton grad Division 1 runner who had to teach himself to walk again, a guy with a very overweight dog, a singer/songwriter, a divorced dad (let's not mix up single dad this year, shall we? A single dad is an only parent, raising a child all alone, isn't it?) We got to take a look at a fitness instructor, a hippy who talks to plants like babies and a law student who strips for law school money.
Twenty-five guys, two women, and one host who looked like he'd rather be somewhere else. Did anyone else think Chris Harrison looked bored? Or mad? Or maybe his tie was too tight.
In the oiled-down driveway the men arrived in limos as Kaitlyn and Britt stood fifteen feet apart, waiting, like two cows going to slaughter. Kaitlyn voiced how scared she was, Britt voiced how confident she was (of her first impression capabilities, we think), and Chris Harrison went off camera for a nap or a game of HALO.
Can I just say the fact that Kaitlyn was a bit worried was real and Britt's calm happiness was a bit strange. Both of them wanted this opportunity, had a hotel room full of gowns, makeup, shoes, and the hope of being The Bachelorette. Why was Britt so devoid of nerves? I have a theory about confidence.
What was cringe-worthy at this point was that the men had two women to greet and were able to show favoritism in front of the other girl. Britt got all the attention at first and Kaitlyn stood there like an ugly potato, near tears. Britt greeted them with warm smiles and then finally Kaitlyn got the hang of playing the game and even took a quick break to run in the house to tell the men they were almost finished. Britt's claws showed when she told the camera that was unfair. See Bachelor producers? You wanted to pit them against each other and get some dirt going and there you go. These women held out as long as they could but sweet Britt started realizing she might not end up the Bachelorette and her true colors came out.
Meanwhile, there was a guy getting absolutely blotto in the mansion. Actually, he got out of the limo drunk. At first he was funny to watch, telling everyone he was "horned up" and waving at the ladies from the windows. What we now know about Ryan is that he used to be Nikki's boyfriend, the woman who ended up with Juan Pablo at the end of their season. Wow, she sure knows how to pick 'em! Her mother must be wondering about what she did wrong.
Watching Drunk Guy, I couldn't imagine him every redeeming himself after he called both girls Ho's. Tony the Plant Talker Guy giggled and mentioned he shouldn't say that. In the movie version Drunk Guy will be played by Seth Rogen and Kaitlyn will play herself.
Finally, Chris Harrison stepped in after several self-professed knights in armor tried to confront Drunk Guy and a fight looked imminent. The sloshed cast member was asked to go. C.H. actually looked scared as Drunk Guy heard the news, leaned in as though he might get violent, but then walked to the limo disappointedly. On twitter, Jordan, Drunk Girl from last season, was crying from happiness and tweeting that she wasn't nearly this drunk on her season.
Kaitlyn was overwhelmed, Britt smiled and agreed with everything the men said, establishing a common bond immediately. Kaitlyn said "frickin" a lot, Britt oozed sweetness and both campaigned like politicians on election night.
The men were told to vote when they were ready and before a sour-faced Chris Harrison could finish his sentence, Namaste Plant talker had voted for Britt. It was anyone's guess how it would go. The dude from Ontario Canada, the sex advisor, was just plain STUPID. Let's pretend he was from another country, can we?
And then we heard we had to wait for the following night to find out who would be The Bachelorette. I was actually happy to take a little break from the sliminess of the situation--making two seemingly lovely young women compete against each other in this silly popularity contest under the pretense of finding a husband.
Tune in tomorrow for the second night assessment of the most controversial bachelorette ever in the history of the world, no, the universe.