Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Bachelor Producers Keep Lace

Week 2 of The Bachelor with Dreamy Dreamboat Ben Higgins had us scratching our heads wondering where the Chicken Enthusiast went and why Ben didn't keep her. He kept so many questionable, (can I say boring?) girls!
Well, they are probably all extremely wonderful off camera but keeping Lace over Tiara after Lace's obsessive neediness and bitchiness makes me pretty damned sure that the producers have a say in who goes and who stays.
Sources tell me that the Chicken Enthusiast herself had no idea what happened. She and Ben hit it off and he told her she had the "kindest heart" but choosing Lace over Tiara Soleim, the poultry Queen, tells us one of two things--there's something fishy in Bachelorville or Ben isn't interested in chickens. Or kind hearts.

The evening opened with the money shot of Ben in his boxers at the Four Season's Hotel getting ready for his day. The first date was with Jackie, L.B., Lauren H, Amber, Becca, Mandy, Jo Jo, Jubilee, Jennifer and Lace. Oh, and Amanda.

Usually at this point in the season, I give the girls my own nicknames. Here goes nothing:

Lace - Bitch Psycho Drinker ( too much?)
Amanda - Mom of Two
Jo Jo - Cute, short girl
Amber- Bach regular
Becca - Famous Virgin
Jackie - Gerontologist
Mandy - Flower Head
LB - Fuchsia Dress first night
Jubilee - Soldier
Jennifer - Brunette long hair
Lauren H. - Kindergarten teacher
Olivia - Anchor Woman
Caila - Small Brunette with big smile
Jami - Token Canadian
Emily/Haley - Twins
Leah - Blonde/Denver
Lauren B - Flight Attendant
Shushana -Russian
Rachel - Unemployed
Samantha - Husky-voiced blonde

A bunch of the gals went on the first group date to Bachelor High, an actual high school where future contestants learn to shed their dignity to compete for time with Ben by mixing ingredients to make Ben's volcanoes erupt. Or bobbing for apples. Was this the best they could do for the first date? I mean really. It was silly shtick and kind of embarrassing. Mandy ended up winning the hurdles in her bare feet and got the genuine thrill of riding around a track 27 times with Ben in a convertible while the losers watched from their lineup in the blazing sunshine. Date rating 2/5
That night the dress code was heels and legs and everyone arrived in minis and stilettos. Summary of the rooftop patio cocktail party - Olivia has a large mouth and opens it wide a lot to express surprise. needy Lace thinks if she locks eyes with Ben for 5 seconds it's called eye sex, and Jo Jo got the rose from Ben after hugs and kisses on the roof of the very tall building. Lace showed her claws and her cra cra a little too much again.

The next date was the one on one, but was more like a one on three with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube doing a Ride Along to pimp their movie that releases soon. Soon The Bachelor will have the contestants pimping Coca Cola and hotels. Oh wait, they do the last one. The two actors from Ride Along were moderately funny on the cheapo date with Caila and Ben that included riding around in a very old Buick convertible, visiting a liquor store to buy condoms, and stopping at a dingy spa store for a hot tub soak in the store's floor model. Kevin Hart joined them in the water, sans swim suit, and the black box was resurrected from Chris Soules' season to cover his family jewels and Parker House rolls when he left the tub.

That night, after showering off the germs from the display model hot tub, Ben and Caila had a sweet conversation over an untouched, plastic- looking dinner at a pub/restaurant and once the rose was in her hand, they meandered down the street to a private concert by none other than Amos Lee!!! (My Hubby and I were both googling Amos Lee to see who the heck he is.)Caila and Ben did a lot of smooching and a bit of dancing and seemed to get along just great while Amos promoted his album in the background.

The next day's group date was with another bunch of girls at the Love Lab Technologies Headquarters and if you've never heard of this process, you are in for a big treat. Huge! This is the place where they can measure your smell and check your brain to see if you're compatible with another person. All the man has to do is wear headgear and sniff near the woman's butt to see if she's his type. Okay, I found this EXTREMELY uncomfortable (not to mention stupid!) and felt horrible for Samantha when a blindfolded Ben said she smelled "sour".
She scored the lowest of all the gals, and Olivia the anchorwoman scored highest, mostly because when they did their brain test, she flirted with him, talking about how difficult it was to not kiss him when their lips were so close. With pheromones flying between them, the attraction needle spiked. Well done, Olivia.
She got to have time with Ben in his hotel suite later while the other girls waited on the Four Season's rooftop patio. Amanda was not impressed with Liv's braggy behavior when she got back. Oh no. But she took the opportunity to tell Ben about her daughters and he was so very sweet when he learned Amanda is a mom. So genuinely sweet that I warmed to the guy who was earlier smelling girls hips. "Kids don't scare me," he said.
And we believed him. He even wanted to know their names. (Maybe the chicken enthusiast should have pretended she had human kids. I can't let this go!)
Olivia got the date rose and Amanda was a bit weepy over that. After all, her time is super precious.

At the ROSE CEREMONY, the next night, Lace shows a Dobby-like side, talking to herself (it appears) in the bathroom about master seeing her bad side. She did not want this to happen. Did not. She must be more careful.
Thing is, Lace thinks her worst feature is being insecure which is kind of amusing and sad because the poor girl doesn't realize that it's so much more than that. She's highly competitive, tends to verbalize when she should hold in her bad words, and probably grew up being treated like a princess and still expects the spotlight, or was raised with older brothers who taught her to be scrappy and insecure. And she's a terrible interrupter!
She fluctuates between acting like Dobby and Cruella for the camera. It must be horrible living inside her head. At least on The Bachelor.

Next, Ben made hair barrettes with Amanda for her girls which was a lovely gesture but not if he boots the Mama home. It will be a cruel reminder to have those barrettes holding little curls back in her daughters' hair if Ben rejects her after she falls for him. I spent this segment imagining an intern going to Ben Franklin Store to get a glue gun and barrette crafty things earlier in the day.
Ben gives the flight attendant, Lauren, a photo of the two of them, thereby reassuring her that he has feelings for the long-legged blonde, and when the rose doling starts LB chooses to go home instead of accepting Ben's rose. She must've found some dignity under one of those rose bushes at the mansion and decided to use it. Oh well.
Ben barely walks her out, then hands the roses to almost everyone left and we say goodbye to Jacki, Mandy and Samantha. Lace gets to stay on, thereby confirming that Bachelor producers get at least one vote when Ben hands out thornless roses. Thanks for that obvious confirmation because I doubt Ben is interested in this kind of DRAMA.
With Mandy gone, no pollenating will be taking place at the mansion, and with Jacki hitting the high road, no gerontology lessons either and the gal who scored lowest at the Love Lab, Sam, will head home to do damage control about hearing she smells sour. Poor thing!

The Bachelor ended and the live after show came on immediately after with Chris H's good friend Kris Jenner Kardashian.

Let the record show that I did not tune in to the after show with Chris, Chris and Kris because I have one of those filters on my devices that blocks out anything Kardashian. That and the fact that I lose all respect for myself if I waste an hour on this predictably mundane live hour. It's painful to watch.

I'm not totally into this season without Tiara on anymore, but I'm hopeful it will grow on me even though I know who he picks at the end. Or at least, I have a good idea and it's not the chicken enthusiast, Tiara Soleim. Waaaaaaaaa...
And now we wait to see what happens next week... Oh snap. I'm gone for the next two weeks at a wedding extravaganza adventure in Central America. Doubters that I'll get THE BACHELOR on TV while I'm scouring the jungle for howler monkeys and toasting the grooms in Granada, Nicaragua, but I promise I'll try to catch up ASAP. If you want to get these important accounts in your inbox, follow this blog! 

Kim Hornsby is a Bestselling, Award-Winning Suspense Author who can be found on Amazon here. She uses this blog to exercise her funny muscle and because she loves to hear herself talk.

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