Samantha Out-Villains Joe!

Okay, now I'm feeling a tiny bit bad for Joe. Just one
smithereen. Mostly I'm feeling happy like at the end of a movie and the bad guy falls into a pit of burning acid. Or in this case, the bad guy gets outbadded by the evil woman who used him to serve herself.




Last night on Bachelor In Paradise we watched a diabolical plan unfold. It seems the lovely Samantha has been garnering allies and men friends for months all in the name of surviving on BIP to the end. With Joe in her bikini back pocket, she received his rose and then proceeded to dump him. The best line of the night was by Joe who sensed the breakup and said "If the tables were reversed, I'd still be by her side." I wonder if he thought of Juelia and how he double-crossed her only two days earlier.
But first, the rose ceremony:
The couples are Jade and Tanner, Carly and Kirk, Tenley and Joshua, maybe Jared and Ashley I, and that is it for now.
That meant that there were two men and five women and the roses were in the men's hands! Ben had broken up with Ashley S and dated Amber, who he liked and JJ had been on a date with Megan but felt like Juelia deserved the rose. Tenley told him this.
What stuck in my craw about this rose ceremony was the way everyone insisted these men give Juelia the rose but no one wanted to forfeit their own rose. Ben likes Amber. Why should he give up on that? JJ wanted to see what would happen with Megan. Why pressure him to give Juelia the rose? My blood pressure rose to watch everyone with a rose tell the camera that Juelia deserved the rose. Then give her yours!
This rose ceremony was unusual. JJ left, saying he wanted to give a girl back home another chance if she'd have him, but not before giving AShley S his rose. I believe he knew that Chris H was going to save Juelia by bringing back Mikey, who hadn't left the country yet, obviously. Not sure about Juelia and Mikey but it was SUPER FUN to see them walk back into the fold!
Ashley I. got her rose from Jared who thinks she's the sweetest girl here (by now he's seen her dissing all the girls in the first episode!) but doesn't have romantic feelings for her. He's still getting over Kaitlyn which is a normal response to going on this show weeks after breaking up with a girl he hoped to marry. Sheesh!

When Joe threw himself a birthday party in a private party room, complete with a cake covered in chocolate cherries from Jorge's bar that said Happy Birthday Joe, Samantha took that opportunity to break up with him. She tried to turn the tables by saying he brought so much drama to the table. If you think Samantha might be a nice person, please take a moment to slap your own face.
She's scheming. I only half-smiled at the breakup because I felt kind of badly for the birthday boy. All that day Joe had shown the most pitiful side of himself--one in which he's a heartbroken idiot, a weakling being played by Samantha. Joe isn't a master mind after all. He's like the canary that sings when the criminals get arrested. Earlier, he'd felt a titch confident because his true love, Samantha, had turned down a date with the new guy, Nick. Joe took that as a good sign. But Nick was quick to tell everyone she'd been texting talking to him for months and said she'd go on a date with him when he showed up. But she stuck with Joe that day. Why? I have to think that her diabolical plan was to wait for the next man to arrive, see if he was someone she'd texted and liked better.
Now we want Samantha to crumble like a Jenga tower in a hurricane. Get her feelings hurt. Did anyone else hear Juelia say that Samantha had gone on vacations with her between Chris's season and BIP? And then she treats her like this? What is wrong with that woman?

Another highlight of this wonderful episode was Ashley and Nick getting so drunk they could hardly talk. It all started when their date was re-routed from a boat trip to a private island to massages at a hotel (Hurrican Carlos coming in) and then hot tubbing and drinking (What is "Beyond Carking Carry"? This is something Ashley said after about 8 shots of tequila. Those two didn't know when to stop drinking!)

Don't forget the other highlights...Jade and Tanner having an overnight date and declaring their love for each other, Ashley I. basing her love for Jared on his bone structure, and Joe using the word "conversate". Oh, and JJ left the show valiantly in a hero-type flourish to say he was off to continue a relationship with a girl he was dating before BIP. (His twitter account tells us he did not end up with the girl. "BIP takes its toll" he said. At least he dug himself out of that rut where he slapped himself across the face after Vill'ing.)

Shout Out goes to the production team, the editors who did a great job capturing Samantha's awkward face when Nick showed up, and to the set decorators! As always--FANTASTIC JOB!

More tomorrow! Can't wait. We'll be conversating then!

The Bachelorette Kicks One Out and Lets One In!

This evening's installment of The Bachelorette opened with Clint's vocal and menacing departure from the show. He plays the villain almost too well, almost like he is Heath Ledger playing a bad guy!

In the first scene Kaitlyn listened to him try to dig himself out of the hole he was standing in but she was too smart to fall for his mind-wrangling. She did, however, let him walk through the group of gathered bachelors (mistake!) and when he stopped to give them the evil eye and choice words, JJ threw him under the bus by telling him to apologize for taking valuable time from them. Not sure what the strategy was there from Clint's BFF. My hubster was convinced this was part of the diabolical plan to take over the world but to what end, I asked?
There was a lot of bleeping and posturing and snake eyes from Clint as he said his final words to JJ. I think he might have even threatened him. JJ had some tears, regrets, face slaps (by himself!) and Tanner said it was like Brokeback Volcano erupting.

Kaitlyn decided against having a rose ceremony and they all took off to New York City! (Imagine that cowboy from the salsa commercial saying that last part!) JJ vowed to turn over a new leaf, one that includes romancing women.
Holed up at the Knickerbocker Hotel, the men received a date card that mentioned the word 'fresh' and Shawn, JJ, Ryan B, Jonathan, Corey and Ben Z went on the first New York date.

Rapping Wars: Apparently Kaitlyn loves to rap (but can't really do it?) and with the help of Doug E. Fresh, the men wrote and performed raps insulting each other all in the name of good fun. Another stupid date.
Why fight, insult, pit these men against each other in this season? Tony the plant talker is looking better every date. And to make this show even worse, Nick Viall was in the audience waiting to ask Kaitlyn if he could join the show. If you remember Nick from Andy's season, he behaved like a teenager and was secretly filmed on his exit flight insulting Josh, the winner. Andi ended up saying he was bad news. He looks like a young, handsome John Lithgow.
Apparently Nick's been very vocal on social media and Tanner told the men all about this Bach alumni's history. Tanner's vast inside knowledge made me wonder if he is actually Reality Steven secretly infiltrating the show.
When Kaitlyn got all flustered that Nick showed up, she mentioned to the men he may join the ranks. They were overjoyed to have another competitor. NOT! The Bachelorette said she'd decide Nick's fate in the morning.
Note: If Kaitlyn likes this Nick guy, I officially am done rooting for her. Not only does she have much better prospects in her group of existing men, but it is downright disrespectful and immature to consider Nick's inclusion all because of some flirtatious messages on twitter, for crying out loud. Kaitlyn talks about husband material but is this player husband material? I don't believe so.
I was upset in my comfortable chair at home and had to go get another glass of wine!
Ending up in the "hairdresser" chair at Ashley S.'s beauty salon, Kaitlyn asked for advice and actually got a good tip. She's just in lust.
Two things about Ashley S. the onion peeling wacko contestant from Chris Soules' season. She is not a hairdresser, she's a business woman, and I believe she's going to be on Bachelor in Paradise. That'll be great!
Kaitlyn ignored the good advice and told Nick to move in.

The evening's date was a black tie affair at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in the after hours. Must've been midnightish because the street was deserted as Jared, the hawk-eyed man from Maine entered the Met to see Kaitlyn descending a grand staircase. This was the type of Bachelor date we actually enjoy, but her thoughts were with Nick. Uggh! Oh, then they kissed a bit, talked, and she was back on track. You know when the romantic Bachelor guitar music comes on, this is a special moment to get us thinking that Jared might be the ONE. Little did Jared know until watching last night's show that Kaitlyn's mind was somewhere else. Wonder how he feels this morning. They left the Met and had a romantic helicopter tour of the night lights of NYC. So why Nick?



The next date had the limo taking Joe, Ian, Chris, Joshua, and Ben H to Broadway to rehearse a dance number in Aladdin, the Disney musical.
The man who passed the dancing and singing audition got a tiny walk on part in the show's performance that night with Kaitlyn. Most of the guys couldn't sing except Ian the runner, who is way too accomplished and mature for Kaitlyn. The dentist got the job due to his broad gesturing and theater-like posturing. Apparently he sings the song "A Whole New World" in the car. Red Flag!!! First he arrives in a cupcake, then knows Disney songs. We must watch this man.
Kaitlyn and the dentist dressed in elaborate Aladdin costumes walked on for twenty seconds and off again. Once out of makeup and costumes for their big Broadway debut, they walked around the theater district and visited the New Year's Eve ball that drops in Time Square, stored in a building. Cupcake looked a lot more manly in his jeans than the harem pants, bolero, rope hat and makeup so they kissed.
Back at the hotel room where the budget apparently didn't allow for a couch big enough to fit ten men, they awaited Nick's arrival like a pack of jackals ready to pounce on an unsuspecting gazelle. And this is where we left it.
To be continued. The previews show that Nick sees conflict from the men, Ian finds his dignity and the mood is tense. I'll probably watch next week even though this season is kind of stupid, but I know people who've dropped off this season due to the immature tone of the show this time around. Just sayin'.

Oh, and former Bachelor Bob Guiney has moved into my neighborhood and I'm wondering why this Playboy channel DJ/ Country singing celeb is living in suburban Seattle amongst Microsoft executives. Life is strange sometimes. I'll try to get an exclusive interview if I see him walking his dog!





Kim Hornsby is the author of The Husband Hunt, a series of short books based on The Bachelor.

Ashley S is nuts and Chris's Sisters Arrive on The Bachelor!

Last night on The Bachelor we watched a date card arrive for a bevvy of ladies that said "Let's do what feels natural" that had most of the bevvy freaking in case they had to go without makeup. The ladies checked each other's hair extensions, applied false eyelashes and lipstick and headed out on the date in two vintage Pontiac convertibles to a lake. Or what Kelsey, the guidance counselor called a "hell hole" and "dingy pond" as she frowned her way through the group date's swimming portion.
I admit anyone on a group date with the Virgin Ashley has cause to complain but Kelsey was a downright downer. They swam, played with beach balls, posed on blow up air mattresses and suddenly Ashley got topless. Not to be outdone, Kaitlyn from Canada went bottomless. Such free spirits, those silly girls. While Kelsey listed her complaints, a bee had finally had enough whining and stung her. Elan, the producer with the wild hair, ran over to help but apparently Kelsey did not want Elan Gale examining her inner thigh. Nice try.

While all this was going on, Chris's three sisters had flown in (one from as far away as Ireland) to interview the remaining gals to see which one was best suited for the 'Cinderella' date that was planned with Chris the next night. After waking a snoring Jillian at the pool, the sisters took each candidate to another room and grilled them, job interview style.

Speaking of grilling, back at the lake Chris informed the women that they'd all be staying overnight, camping! This was not great news for the heavily made up girls who needed to get back to the mansion to their supply of eyelashes and face powder. I was laughing hysterically inside because this was a wonderful idea to weed out the gals who won't survive in Iowa. Ha ha ha. Still laughing.
The Canadian was wearing combat boots and had just flashed the camera her tushie and she loves to camp. (most of us do, or at least we like the campfire part-- and beer.) But Ashley I. went into panic mode.
Tents went up, (eventually MacKenzie and Ashley I. got theirs erected and the grilling began. See? This is my tie in from two paragraphs ago. Chris grilled steaks and the booze was brought out. The funniest scene of the night was with Ashley S. who got wired fast or was still wired, or is just that way naturally, and she wanted music around the campfire. Grabbing Juelia to help, she sang everyone's favorite campfire song -- "hold it, thumbs together, ta tee ta tee ta tee ta ta." What? The scene made me think that Kristen Wiig should play Ashley S. in the movie. Then Chris tried to talk privately to Ashley S. up on a hill. It went like this:

Chris: Hi
Ash: What are you? What?
Chris: What am I?
Ash: Well I know you're Scorpio. Look the moon. I love you.

And then it went downhill. Literally. More gibberish and then they went down a steep hill while the campfire girls watched like ambulance chasers. As I've told you before, Ashley S. has amazing balance and stayed upright even though she couldn't muster up a conversation.
After drinks and jokes, the party wound down and everyone went to their tents, Ashley I. decided to go to Chris's tent to yammer away at him, mercilessly, about her lack of experience. Funniest line of the night was her telling the camera that she's wife material as she snuck off to Chris's tent. Or her talking about her virginity, saying "He'll have to probe that area later on." You choose which one.

Back at the mansion, Jade got the Cinderella date, and next day when the campers returned Jade got to visit the transformation room. She was given a gorgeous blue dress, diamond earrings, Christian Louboutin shoes, and her own stylist, pink-haired Noni, who always looks the most desperate of anyone on property for the transformation room.
This date was a plug for the movie Cinderella and we were subjected to film clips after Jade was transformed and again on the date. Yawn. The funniest thing was that Ashley I. was beyond the beyond with jealousy over this date. She wanted the diamonds, the dress, the Rolls Royce that picked up Jade! Not a gracious bone in that virgin's body.
The next group date card came with 6 wedding dresses. The girls were to wear these pristine outfits through a muddy obstacle course in San Francisco called Muck Fest. Notice Buffed Jillian was the only one who had a short dress? I did. The others had to hike them up, or get pulled down by weighty mud.

Of course Jillian was destined to win anyhow and got the one on one date for dinner where she couldn't shut up about herself. In triple time, she told Chris the story of her life, her job, her dad, her everything, while Chris composed his shopping list in his head. At a break in the conversation he dove on the rose desperately and told her she was done before he had to sit through more. No rose. Bye bye.

The next day at the rose ceremony, Megan blindfolded the Bachelor to feed him fruit. Huh? We now know that Chris can tell the difference in taste between a raspberry and a banana. ? Ashley I. decided she must clarify that she's a virgin and dragged the poor guy outside to spell it out for him.

Afterwards, she spent at least an hour crying that his reaction wasn't absolutely perfect and she might be done for. Shut up, already! This drama is a good hint as to exactly why she's a virgin.
Chris kissed Carly the singer then gets grilled by Britt about how all the other girls think he's playing favorites with Kaitlyn, someone she doesn't seem fond of. Fastest way to the door, Britt, but then you don't look like an Iowa contender anyhow. Chris is absolutely tongue-tied by her ambush, then has an epiphany and leaves the conversation abruptly.
An interesting note here is that all the mansion's bathrooms have numerous bottles of hairspray and not the pump kind that saves the ozone layer. Hmmmm.

At the ceremony, Britt got her rose last in a not-so-subtle message to lay off the jealousy or else. The girls who went home this week, sadly were Juelia, Nikki and Ashley S. who had some more strange strings of unintelligible thoughts to say to the camera. I'll miss that gal!
Note to producers: You must include Ashley S in the girls tell all. Maybe even make her the next Bachelorette!

Next week is Santa Fe, balloon rides and Kelsey ends up on the floor somewhere with a medic either laughing her fake laugh or writhing in pain. (Fine line).
See you then!


Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, an award-winning novel set in Hawaii that asks the question, what happened the day he never returned home?
She also writes a whimsical series The Husband Hunt, much like The Bachelor. Free on Amazon.