Head Punching and Comedy on The Bachelorette

This week's The Bachelorette continues where last week left off. It's dawn and everyone moves into their respective houses after last week's revelation that Kaitlyn is the Bachelorette.

C.H. visits Kaitlyn to talk with her about the upcoming weeks and then we see Britt crying on the phone to her Mom to tell her she isn't the chosen one. Who didn't feel badly for her? I did. She was blindsided. Never did she entertain the idea she might not make it. Then there is a knock on the door and Cody walks in to give her a hug. You might remember he left the show to go find Britt. Talk about timing. Well done, Cody, well done.

The first date this week is a group date with Daniel the fashion designer, Justin the blonde, Jarred the bearded one, Tanner the handsome guy, Kupah the DJ, Ben the muscle man, and Corey the other blonde guy. Off they go to a warehouse set up with boxing equipment and Laila Ali, women's boxing champ and Dancing with the Stars alumni. They learn the art of boxing while I cringe at home, knowing soon they will be pounding the sh*t out of each other in the ring. And my prediction comes true. I have to look away. Watching people fight is painful for me, especially when they are hitting each other in the head, where the brain is located, you might remember from health class. Brains are super important.

 Jarred is taken to the hospital to be checked out after a big punch to the side of his head and I am disgusted they always seem to do this on The Bachelorette. Note to future Bachelorettes: When they pitch this really fun idea, see it for what it is--a fight to the death for the girl, not a good-sported activity where everyone will laugh and bond. Ben Z. wins because he has 30 extra pounds of muscle on the guys. The cocktail party that night is without Jarred although on his way back from the hospital they allow him to send a note upstairs to get Kaitlyn to come down to say hi. Apparently the bearded restaurant manager is a good kisser. Jarred kind of looks like he could turn into a werewolf, doesn't he?
Back on the rooftop, Kaitlyn gives a rose to Ben, who admits that he likes to cook and his mom died when he was 14. He's not just a bunch of muscles after all.
The next date is a one on one and the artist who drew C.H. on a triceratops, Clint, gets the date. He and Kaitlyn drive to a poolside photo shoot, but wait, it's not poolside. It's an underwater photo shoot. This happens to be one of my favorite forms of photography. I happen to collect weird photos of women underwater. But enough about me. Kaitlyn and Clint have fun but the date seems kind of boring. Not her style. No sparks flying. However, at the rooftop dinner later, Kaitlyn declares he is a really good kisser too. Give that boy a rose for his kissing abilities. She does.
Back at the house, Gentle Tony, the plant talker guy is talking about love and coexisting after they get the final date card for a group of guys that includes him. He asks Justin advice on how to treat Kaitlyn.

With the help of funny lady Amy Schumer, Kaitlyn has the group date guys work on their standup routines at The Improv, one of L.A.'s famous comedy clubs. Ok, standup comedy is extremely difficult even if some of the country's best female funny ladies are helping the guys. Guess who is the least funny with absolutely no sense of humor at all. Tony. Yep. He has about as much funny as a rock and is two seconds from being boo'ed off the stage even though he tells the audience he's not a drinker and is now tipsy. JJ is obnoxious in his confidence and Amy says so to the camera, the dentist is funny, Ian is still pretty cute and after they pretty much fail as comics, they have a party where Kaitlyn wears another sparkly dress (?) and Kentucky boy gets some serious kissing in. JJ pulls the I have a preschool age daughter card to get the rose.

He's not a house favorite.
Meanwhile, Britt and Brady are on a date with ice cream cones and hand holding and he asks her to be his girl. Of course she says yes. Now she has saved face AND has a boyfriend she barely knows.

At the Rose Ceremony, the guys agree to let the men who didn't go on a date this week go first in talking to Kaitlyn alone. That is so incredibly nice of them! Wow! But wait. JJ ruins that by grabbing Kaitlyn after she slips into the room. The men do not like this at all. Tony the love guru even gets nasty about it, which is always fun to watch when someone who preaches love and calmness goes all ballistic. Ian the Princeton runner tells Kaitlyn his backstory, earning him some sympathy and then Kupah makes the worst mistake in Bachelor history. He pulls her aside to tell her that he thinks she doesn't even notice him. He won't leave it alone, can't stop talking, digs himself in deeper, until finally Kaitlyn calls a truce and they part. Kupah immediately heads off to a bunch of guys to loudly recount every word spoken and Kaitlyn hears all this from just around the corner. She pulls him aside and asks him to go home.

Then it gets interesting. He doesn't want to go and argues. "I don't want to go home. I think you're hot," he says like that is a good thing to say to a woman!
She sticks to her decision and he finally gets the message and heads to the driveway to film his contractually obliging exit interview. BUT, he doesn't want to talk to the camera and through the window, Kaitlyn sees him getting almost pushy with Elan Gale the hairy producer who sometimes sneaks on camera by accident. Kupah is pissed off!
To Be Continued flashes on the screen and we aren't even surprised because now these cliffhangers are a bonafide thing at The Bachelor.


Tune in next week to see if Kupah flattens Elan or if they have to call the big bruiser security guy who helped count roses last week.

While waiting, check out this fantastic set of 10 Romantic Suspense books for only .99 on Amazon. Is it a dream? No. They are only 99 cents. All ten. We are practically giving them away for the next few weeks.

Ashley S is nuts and Chris's Sisters Arrive on The Bachelor!

Last night on The Bachelor we watched a date card arrive for a bevvy of ladies that said "Let's do what feels natural" that had most of the bevvy freaking in case they had to go without makeup. The ladies checked each other's hair extensions, applied false eyelashes and lipstick and headed out on the date in two vintage Pontiac convertibles to a lake. Or what Kelsey, the guidance counselor called a "hell hole" and "dingy pond" as she frowned her way through the group date's swimming portion.
I admit anyone on a group date with the Virgin Ashley has cause to complain but Kelsey was a downright downer. They swam, played with beach balls, posed on blow up air mattresses and suddenly Ashley got topless. Not to be outdone, Kaitlyn from Canada went bottomless. Such free spirits, those silly girls. While Kelsey listed her complaints, a bee had finally had enough whining and stung her. Elan, the producer with the wild hair, ran over to help but apparently Kelsey did not want Elan Gale examining her inner thigh. Nice try.

While all this was going on, Chris's three sisters had flown in (one from as far away as Ireland) to interview the remaining gals to see which one was best suited for the 'Cinderella' date that was planned with Chris the next night. After waking a snoring Jillian at the pool, the sisters took each candidate to another room and grilled them, job interview style.

Speaking of grilling, back at the lake Chris informed the women that they'd all be staying overnight, camping! This was not great news for the heavily made up girls who needed to get back to the mansion to their supply of eyelashes and face powder. I was laughing hysterically inside because this was a wonderful idea to weed out the gals who won't survive in Iowa. Ha ha ha. Still laughing.
The Canadian was wearing combat boots and had just flashed the camera her tushie and she loves to camp. (most of us do, or at least we like the campfire part-- and beer.) But Ashley I. went into panic mode.
Tents went up, (eventually MacKenzie and Ashley I. got theirs erected and the grilling began. See? This is my tie in from two paragraphs ago. Chris grilled steaks and the booze was brought out. The funniest scene of the night was with Ashley S. who got wired fast or was still wired, or is just that way naturally, and she wanted music around the campfire. Grabbing Juelia to help, she sang everyone's favorite campfire song -- "hold it, thumbs together, ta tee ta tee ta tee ta ta." What? The scene made me think that Kristen Wiig should play Ashley S. in the movie. Then Chris tried to talk privately to Ashley S. up on a hill. It went like this:

Chris: Hi
Ash: What are you? What?
Chris: What am I?
Ash: Well I know you're Scorpio. Look the moon. I love you.

And then it went downhill. Literally. More gibberish and then they went down a steep hill while the campfire girls watched like ambulance chasers. As I've told you before, Ashley S. has amazing balance and stayed upright even though she couldn't muster up a conversation.
After drinks and jokes, the party wound down and everyone went to their tents, Ashley I. decided to go to Chris's tent to yammer away at him, mercilessly, about her lack of experience. Funniest line of the night was her telling the camera that she's wife material as she snuck off to Chris's tent. Or her talking about her virginity, saying "He'll have to probe that area later on." You choose which one.

Back at the mansion, Jade got the Cinderella date, and next day when the campers returned Jade got to visit the transformation room. She was given a gorgeous blue dress, diamond earrings, Christian Louboutin shoes, and her own stylist, pink-haired Noni, who always looks the most desperate of anyone on property for the transformation room.
This date was a plug for the movie Cinderella and we were subjected to film clips after Jade was transformed and again on the date. Yawn. The funniest thing was that Ashley I. was beyond the beyond with jealousy over this date. She wanted the diamonds, the dress, the Rolls Royce that picked up Jade! Not a gracious bone in that virgin's body.
The next group date card came with 6 wedding dresses. The girls were to wear these pristine outfits through a muddy obstacle course in San Francisco called Muck Fest. Notice Buffed Jillian was the only one who had a short dress? I did. The others had to hike them up, or get pulled down by weighty mud.

Of course Jillian was destined to win anyhow and got the one on one date for dinner where she couldn't shut up about herself. In triple time, she told Chris the story of her life, her job, her dad, her everything, while Chris composed his shopping list in his head. At a break in the conversation he dove on the rose desperately and told her she was done before he had to sit through more. No rose. Bye bye.

The next day at the rose ceremony, Megan blindfolded the Bachelor to feed him fruit. Huh? We now know that Chris can tell the difference in taste between a raspberry and a banana. ? Ashley I. decided she must clarify that she's a virgin and dragged the poor guy outside to spell it out for him.

Afterwards, she spent at least an hour crying that his reaction wasn't absolutely perfect and she might be done for. Shut up, already! This drama is a good hint as to exactly why she's a virgin.
Chris kissed Carly the singer then gets grilled by Britt about how all the other girls think he's playing favorites with Kaitlyn, someone she doesn't seem fond of. Fastest way to the door, Britt, but then you don't look like an Iowa contender anyhow. Chris is absolutely tongue-tied by her ambush, then has an epiphany and leaves the conversation abruptly.
An interesting note here is that all the mansion's bathrooms have numerous bottles of hairspray and not the pump kind that saves the ozone layer. Hmmmm.

At the ceremony, Britt got her rose last in a not-so-subtle message to lay off the jealousy or else. The girls who went home this week, sadly were Juelia, Nikki and Ashley S. who had some more strange strings of unintelligible thoughts to say to the camera. I'll miss that gal!
Note to producers: You must include Ashley S in the girls tell all. Maybe even make her the next Bachelorette!

Next week is Santa Fe, balloon rides and Kelsey ends up on the floor somewhere with a medic either laughing her fake laugh or writhing in pain. (Fine line).
See you then!


Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, an award-winning novel set in Hawaii that asks the question, what happened the day he never returned home?
She also writes a whimsical series The Husband Hunt, much like The Bachelor. Free on Amazon.

Bachelor Withdrawl-Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I haven't had the heart to blog lately because Bachelor in Paradise is over. Yes, it was a meaningless, silly show with little to add to the world's problems but it was good entertainment on Monday nights. Hey, we have lots to think about the other 6 days of the week that isn't mindless fun, why not have some fun on Mondays?
I want to love Dancing with the Stars as much as anything that The Bachelor franchise puts out but I just don't. Even though their contestants are actually working hard and talented, it just doesn't do it for me. I'm counting Mondays until January when Chris Soules will steal our hearts and our Mondays.
In the meantime, I'm kind of cyber-stalking the Bachelor producers, tweeting them, reading their tweets and making deductions. I even emailed them to suggest the Michelle Money show, only to find out that she has a stupid youtube show about hair, makeup, veneers, with her friend. Oh, and I'm semi-stalking the Bachelor Interns too. It keeps my hand in the pie, my foot in the door and my name on the "do not FRIEND under any circumstances" list.

Remember that hairy big guy who had a flying spider in his hair while he was interviewing Michelle Money? Well, his name is Elan Gale and he's a stand up comedian. He was at Bumbershoot in Seattle on Labor Day and I could've gone to see him. On twitter, he was practically begging people to come watch his show and I didn't. Not that I could've left my suburban life to physically stalk anyone, because I'm a mother, but I almost met a Bachelor producer. He's in love with Taylor Swift so my tweets tell him to shave and stuff. I'm kind of helping him. I know this because he favorites some of my tweets. This is the type of stuff he tweets:

elan gale               11h

A fun hobby is removing all the toilet paper from the restaurant's only bathroom just to see how everyone deals with it
 

 This guy is funny! And he quit drinking and has lost 20 pounds since then. (see how much I'm learning?)

 

There are a bunch of producers, besides the big guy, Mike Fleiss and the host, Chris B. Harrison. There's even a married couple with a baby who are friends with Molly and Jason, one of the only successful couples to come out of the Bachelor franchise. They mostly look like Peace Corps people in countries where there's no access to razors. Here's a good example. Guess which one goes behind the camera and which one goes in front. In a previous blog I called him the hairy, unkempt guy but I think it's just the direct contrast to the contestants who are so incredibly coiffed to an inch of their physical lives, that makes the behind the scenes people look strange. They actually look like the rest of us sitting at home, watching the show. Except my beard is blonde.


One female producer has a foundation that provides water to remote regions in Africa! dropinthebucket.org  




This is her producer husband, who goes by the name BeetSaladBar and seems like a very nice man. On this particular day, he didn't like his new haircut and had to wear a hat. I retain knowledge when I want to, yes I do!




Many of the producers are friends with cast members. At least on twitter. Michelle Money is friends with Elan Gale. So is Sarah Heron. No one is friends with Kalon or Jesse Kovacs, and rightfully so. But, Chris Bukowski is still in the loop, even though he and Elise split a week after he asked her to leave BIP with him to pursue true love. She barely got time to carry his luggage up the stairs to his Chicago apartment, make him dinner and rub his shoulders before he broke up with her.
The other day they asked for fans to email questions and Chris Harrison might read them aloud on T.V. in January! Of course I went right to email and formulated my question. I didn't want to sound stalky or needy so I simply asked if I could come visit their set sometime and meet everyone. I promised to not tell Reality Steve what I saw. They haven't replied yet but I'm ready to fly to L.A. when they give me the all clear. I also wrote them a proposal for the Michelle Money show where she lives in L.A. with Cody and her daughter and pretends to be a dog psychic to rich people. She talks to the camera a lot about funny stuff. I basically did their job for them and haven't heard a thing. Yet.
In the meantime, I'll have to resort to reading Reality Steve's blog to see what he knows about the filming of The Bachelor. And hovering over twitter accounts to get any information, any inside joke, any crumb I can about what's going on in Bachelor world.




(If you are a neighbor of mine and are now feeling badly for my children, imagine my tongue firmly planted in my cheek.)


Kim Hornsby is an award winning, Amazon Bestselling Author who blogs instead of doing housework and caring for the children.