Bachelor in Paradise- Who Couples Up First?

Really, Men? Just because you all know that Jade took her clothes off for Playboy and did nude videos, do you really have to drool on her and ignore all the other girls who will eventually take their clothes off for you if you are their loving boyfriend? If you're waiting for the Wild Mustang to emerge, that may never happen. Put your lasso ropes down.

Last night on Bachelor in Paradise we were treated to ladies in heels on the beach, Chris Harrison drinking from a coconut, tears from a sister combo, and an alpha male who didn't understand you don't need to declare this if you are indeed the alpha male. How to alienate the guys! Mikey was laughable by offering to get the other men pumped up by the time they leave  Mikey, you have a long way down when you fall off your self-imposed pedestal.
Hey, wait. I have a question. Why allow sisters? Why let Ashley I bring her non-alumni sister, because we know you BIP producers had to approve this addition? Twice the CRA CRA isn't better TV in this case. Or watchable. We don't like Ashley I that much, and we don't like her "slutty" sister Lauren who thinks anyone over the age of 25 is "old!" and trash talks everyone's physical appearance. I hope those two get voted off ASAP because I already graduated high school and don't want to go back. They are a package deal apparently, and Lauren wants to go home the first night which is good news to me.
Carly, one of my favorites on Chris Soules' season, sets her sights on Kirk, another favorite of mine, and they hit it off immediately. This is the entertainment we want. Not twenty minutes of crying. Carly and Kirk's first kiss and Kirk telling the guys he likes her because she's really cute and really funny makes us feel good. Ahhhhhh!


Below is JJ, Ashley S. and Jared.

Let's list the people on BIP with my initial take on each one, shall we?

Tenley - Just broke up with Kipton after 5 years, too overdressed and overly made up for the beach.
Carly - Funny, cute, candid on the camera
Jillian - Has her own black box on her butt constantly, friend of the sisters
Kirk - Nice guy, hoping he used lots of sunscreen
Ashley I - Thinks she's Jasmine from Aladdin, brought her younger sister
Lauren - Sister to Lauren, immature and unhappy
Jade - Love that she's not wearing makeup or doing her hair
Mikey - Alpha Male who zero'ed in on Lauren but she thinks he's a meathead
JJ - Pink pants, initially annoying, not popular
Jared - In demand, getting over Kaitlyn but went on first date with Ashley I dirt biking
Ben - Don't remember him but he looks super nice!!!
Tanner - Happy go lucky but insecure for a handsome man, went on dinner date with Jade
Juelia - Mom of three year old, widow, seems sweet and ready for love
Jonathan - TMI about having had sisters before!! Settle down Jonathan.
Ashley S - Likes the caged parrots, commandeers one for her shoulder. Might actually be weird.

After we watched the mini "wedding" of Marcus and Lacey (who else thinks they were already married before they strolled down the beach to their wedding?) the drinking began and BIP was off to a good start. Lauren, the sister, got weepy about either wanting to go home, or that she led Mikey on and now can't get rid of him. The sky over the turbulent ocean gets dark and the beach bonfire is lit even though it's probably 100 degrees on that Sayulita beach in May. Lightning flashes on the horizon. It's a beautiful scene and the set decorators and lighting designers do a fabulous job!!!
Jared moves in on Jade in a gentlemanly fashion and Ashley, who likes Jared in a Princess Jasmine way cry/laughs about how all the guys she ever likes go with someone else. Hmmm? I can't imagine why but I'll tweet you my answer when I figure it out, Ashely I. Carly and Kirk giggle and laugh and kiss and snuggle. Cute.
The next morning it looks like Ashley S slept with a parrot. They are caught kissing at breakfast and Dan seems to like birds. Or likes Ashley who relates much better to creatures than people when in a tough social situation.
Ashley I who wakes up puffy and sweaty to the horror of her sister gets the date card and after consulting with her superficial sis on her high school crush and how to ask Jared out, she does. It looks like they have a good time dirt biking and drinking champagne on a beach. Running into the surf, they are about ten feet apart to have their separate swims and this is never a good thing on BIP.
Then the BIP producers try to stir the pot by giving Jade the date card because they know her favorite guy is already on a date with Ashley I. She chooses Tanner and they go out to dinner and talk, kiss a bit, and go swimming in a river in their underwear. (FYI My hubby lived in the Sayulita area for years and knew exactly where the couple went swimming and said that river is not very clean.) At home, I'm happy for Tanner to get some lip action and hugging in because he was ignored on Kaitlyn's season.
Back at the BIP Palapa Mansion, Ashley S leaves quietly in an ambulancia without the parrot, so my guess is one of those bird kisses went too far and he crunched down on her lip. Parrots have rock hard beaks. Or bird flu. Then Dan runs through the jungle and hops into the ambulance in his swim trunks, asking if she's ok. She looks like Montezuma's Revenge has set in.
But what is this? Another person coming down the path to join the crew? It's none other than Claire Crowley looking for love the third time. She was a semi-finalist for Juan Pablo, in BIP last year, and is back with a date card in hand and a smile on her face for her third kick at the cat.
Who will she pick, seeing she hasn't even met everyone yet? This is where we leave things for tonight's episode. Can't wait...

Brief Update:
I'm going to catch up with this blog this week. Watching twice a week is so fun! Tanner and Jade, Carly and Kirk, Ashley S and Ben, Ashley I and her tears...

Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of The Dream Jumper Series, a cross between Inception and Castle.

The Bachelorette Kicks One Out and Lets One In!

This evening's installment of The Bachelorette opened with Clint's vocal and menacing departure from the show. He plays the villain almost too well, almost like he is Heath Ledger playing a bad guy!

In the first scene Kaitlyn listened to him try to dig himself out of the hole he was standing in but she was too smart to fall for his mind-wrangling. She did, however, let him walk through the group of gathered bachelors (mistake!) and when he stopped to give them the evil eye and choice words, JJ threw him under the bus by telling him to apologize for taking valuable time from them. Not sure what the strategy was there from Clint's BFF. My hubster was convinced this was part of the diabolical plan to take over the world but to what end, I asked?
There was a lot of bleeping and posturing and snake eyes from Clint as he said his final words to JJ. I think he might have even threatened him. JJ had some tears, regrets, face slaps (by himself!) and Tanner said it was like Brokeback Volcano erupting.

Kaitlyn decided against having a rose ceremony and they all took off to New York City! (Imagine that cowboy from the salsa commercial saying that last part!) JJ vowed to turn over a new leaf, one that includes romancing women.
Holed up at the Knickerbocker Hotel, the men received a date card that mentioned the word 'fresh' and Shawn, JJ, Ryan B, Jonathan, Corey and Ben Z went on the first New York date.

Rapping Wars: Apparently Kaitlyn loves to rap (but can't really do it?) and with the help of Doug E. Fresh, the men wrote and performed raps insulting each other all in the name of good fun. Another stupid date.
Why fight, insult, pit these men against each other in this season? Tony the plant talker is looking better every date. And to make this show even worse, Nick Viall was in the audience waiting to ask Kaitlyn if he could join the show. If you remember Nick from Andy's season, he behaved like a teenager and was secretly filmed on his exit flight insulting Josh, the winner. Andi ended up saying he was bad news. He looks like a young, handsome John Lithgow.
Apparently Nick's been very vocal on social media and Tanner told the men all about this Bach alumni's history. Tanner's vast inside knowledge made me wonder if he is actually Reality Steven secretly infiltrating the show.
When Kaitlyn got all flustered that Nick showed up, she mentioned to the men he may join the ranks. They were overjoyed to have another competitor. NOT! The Bachelorette said she'd decide Nick's fate in the morning.
Note: If Kaitlyn likes this Nick guy, I officially am done rooting for her. Not only does she have much better prospects in her group of existing men, but it is downright disrespectful and immature to consider Nick's inclusion all because of some flirtatious messages on twitter, for crying out loud. Kaitlyn talks about husband material but is this player husband material? I don't believe so.
I was upset in my comfortable chair at home and had to go get another glass of wine!
Ending up in the "hairdresser" chair at Ashley S.'s beauty salon, Kaitlyn asked for advice and actually got a good tip. She's just in lust.
Two things about Ashley S. the onion peeling wacko contestant from Chris Soules' season. She is not a hairdresser, she's a business woman, and I believe she's going to be on Bachelor in Paradise. That'll be great!
Kaitlyn ignored the good advice and told Nick to move in.

The evening's date was a black tie affair at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in the after hours. Must've been midnightish because the street was deserted as Jared, the hawk-eyed man from Maine entered the Met to see Kaitlyn descending a grand staircase. This was the type of Bachelor date we actually enjoy, but her thoughts were with Nick. Uggh! Oh, then they kissed a bit, talked, and she was back on track. You know when the romantic Bachelor guitar music comes on, this is a special moment to get us thinking that Jared might be the ONE. Little did Jared know until watching last night's show that Kaitlyn's mind was somewhere else. Wonder how he feels this morning. They left the Met and had a romantic helicopter tour of the night lights of NYC. So why Nick?



The next date had the limo taking Joe, Ian, Chris, Joshua, and Ben H to Broadway to rehearse a dance number in Aladdin, the Disney musical.
The man who passed the dancing and singing audition got a tiny walk on part in the show's performance that night with Kaitlyn. Most of the guys couldn't sing except Ian the runner, who is way too accomplished and mature for Kaitlyn. The dentist got the job due to his broad gesturing and theater-like posturing. Apparently he sings the song "A Whole New World" in the car. Red Flag!!! First he arrives in a cupcake, then knows Disney songs. We must watch this man.
Kaitlyn and the dentist dressed in elaborate Aladdin costumes walked on for twenty seconds and off again. Once out of makeup and costumes for their big Broadway debut, they walked around the theater district and visited the New Year's Eve ball that drops in Time Square, stored in a building. Cupcake looked a lot more manly in his jeans than the harem pants, bolero, rope hat and makeup so they kissed.
Back at the hotel room where the budget apparently didn't allow for a couch big enough to fit ten men, they awaited Nick's arrival like a pack of jackals ready to pounce on an unsuspecting gazelle. And this is where we left it.
To be continued. The previews show that Nick sees conflict from the men, Ian finds his dignity and the mood is tense. I'll probably watch next week even though this season is kind of stupid, but I know people who've dropped off this season due to the immature tone of the show this time around. Just sayin'.

Oh, and former Bachelor Bob Guiney has moved into my neighborhood and I'm wondering why this Playboy channel DJ/ Country singing celeb is living in suburban Seattle amongst Microsoft executives. Life is strange sometimes. I'll try to get an exclusive interview if I see him walking his dog!





Kim Hornsby is the author of The Husband Hunt, a series of short books based on The Bachelor.

The Bachelor Boots the Drunk Girl

Last night on Juanuary's Bachelor, we got to watch the episode where one girl drinks too much, this time waaaaaaaaay too much. She could still walk, could still talk (unfortunately) and could definitely straddle someone and twerk. Victoria probably shamed her Brazilian family in last night's episode by getting shoot-faced and causing such high drama that the cameramen and producers were actually seen on TV. I love it when that happens. The other girls on the group date were horrified, never having seen someone like that before. Oh sure!
All but Rene, the mom from Florida who followed a hysterical Victoria to the bathroom cubicle to try to reason with her. Personally, I was yelling "you can't reason with a drunk!"
Juan Pablo saw the situation for what it was-bad news central- and left to go home after saying goodbye to everyone. The next day he arrived at the hotel where they stashed her to sober up, (probably just two floors down from the hot tub date), and he told her very nicely that he just came to see how she was and tell her goodbye. He can't have that type of behavior around a child. Of course he can't. Well done, Juan.  Did anyone else notice Victoria didn't apologize profusely and say that's never happened before? She didn't even try to say she thought one of the other girls roofied her.
Let's back up. The first date last night was given to Clare, the gal who is as pretty as a scenic painting of a snowfall in a coniferous forest. And where did they go? A Tessla took the daters to a snowfall in a coniferous forest somewhere in Los Angeles. Go figure.
They sledded in jeans, fell all over an ice skating rink and then in their swim suits, hot tubbed and groped each others' perfect bodies. eye y'eye y'eye! After some guy sang, whose name made me have a dream last night about dating John Krasinski, they declared the date the best time ever and Clare ended up back at the Girls' Dormitory in bed.
The next date was another one on one, this time for the perky dancer, Kat. Good choice Juan. Turned out they grand marshaled Utah's nighttime glow stick run of 5K, dancing to Electric Dance Music along the way. Brother, can those two ever dance! I would've watched the whole two hours of them dancing. J.P. was pretty turned on and I bet the dancing magic spell worked both ways. Think the trip home on the private jet was fun? Oh wait, they go everywhere with cameras and bearded men with glasses and ponytails. Never mind.
The group date included most everyone else but Opera Girl and two others. On that date the girls were matched with stray dogs, costumed to look like the dogs and humiliated, if your name is Andi. Two girls were told to wear only their birthday suit and a small sign for the scheduled photo shoot to support Best Friends Animal Society. The signs read "Adopt" and "Me".
CHEAP TRICK. UNCALLED FOR. Squirm-Worthy. And judging by the fact ABC's Bachelor site changed the photo on their site from the nude one (with parts hidden) to another, only an hour ago, I'd say they got the message they went too far this time. This date with Andi, reminded me of the one-armed girl who was socially forced to go roller skating two seasons ago. Nasty trick.
Andy took it on the chin, telling Juan Pablo that she was doing fine, but when questioned just before she had to take off her clothes, she admitted she was shy and the only one of the girls who brought one piece bathing suits to be on The Bachelor. I felt so badly for her until J.P. told her he'd do it and he was nervous too. If they did get nude together, they'd be helping the dogs. I don't know about you but at home, when I heard those words from his lips, I proceeded to strip, and then remembered he wasn't talking to me. (I must love dogs!).The photo shoot went well, the rose went to the gal who dressed in a goofy bald costume (?) but I can't imagine that Juan Pablo has forgotten what a good sport Andi was. Oh yea, Hippy Chick, Lucy, who loves to show her body at any given moment, was as happy as a hog in mud on the other side of J.P. in her birthday suit. weeeeeee!
At the cocktail party/rose ceremony we finally got to see Opera Girl, Sharleen, who apologized for being flippant and poorly spoken when she got the first impression rose the week before.
If she didn't have her Juan Pablo on before, she is definitely suiting up now. I see stars in her eyes for the charming Bachelor. We knew this would happen. I'm still mad at her for being so flippant, eh? The thaw will be fun to watch.

Who went home? Oh the gal who did her own on-air audition to be a TV interviewer. She and her enormous perfect teeth showed America that she has what it takes to do small town news, powder puff pieces and probably blew her chance at Juan Pablo by using her time alone with him to audition. Also, Chantel, a stunning beauty who got lots of air time to show the world that The Bachelor is an equal opportunity show for African Americans. And of course, Victoria the drunken vixen was long gone now too. Aside: Victoria did offer my favorite quote of the night when she called the Heimlich manoeuver the Hymen manoeuver. Or remover. Not sure. Hopefully she's re-evaluating whether drinking so much caused her demise on the show. I'm sure the media is camped outside her house, waiting for comments, and she's wishing a girl could just go to the women's bathroom without big burly men with cameras following to record every word. But no. Remember, this is The Bachelor!
Oh and P.S.: Juan Pablo favorited one of my tweets this week which makes us super close now. See you next week!

Kim Hornsby is a Bestselling author on Amazon. Her series The Husband Hunt is modeled after The Bachelor. She lives in Jason and Molly, Des and Chris Town. Seattle.