Bachelor in Paradise - Broken Legs and Face Licking!

Didn't we just know this would be the best Bachelor in Paradise episode in all history? And it was!
This week's installment of drama, drinking and dumping started with Chris Harrison explaining a situation that must've made the producers simultaneously salivate and cackle with joy.
Michelle K was eliminated last week after saying she didn't find a connection with anyone on BIP. She took herself out of the running, apparently to get back to her adjoined hotel room where the door was open to a crew member who wooed her (initially by finding the poor girl some dental floss.) You all saw how MK's loveshack twist evolved and that when cameras tried to film her in the room, she shut the door on Chris Harrison, saying to another producer that CH is not "the guy", he's "just a host". Ha ha. If she had any hope of keeping her secret quiet, that ruined her chances. CH is the biggest big wig next to Mike Fleiss in The Bachelor franchise.
Long story short, the psychiatrist was ready to debrief Michelle (as is always the custom on The Bachelor), a crew went to get her, Michelle was wearing only a towel and her next door buddy, Ryan Putz, was there--a big no no. In the dark, he estimated the jump off the balcony to be 6 feet, lept and broke both legs to protect both Michelle's reputation and his job. He pretty much screwed up both, and was taken to the Tulum hospital for bright white casts and his walking papers. Why didn't he just go back to his room through the adjoining door?

Back at the beachside Hacienda, Clare told Lacey to "lock it in" with Marcus in a whispered bunkbed conversation, only to be interrupted by the arrival of Chris Bukowski to the tune of the Jaws music. How appropriate. You remember Chris B. He shows up for anything and everything where there's girls, free plane tickets, TV face time, and prize money. The funniest line of the night was when a small group of men watched CB approach with a date card and Marcus bet he was here to "steal the women". Did anyone else picture the Wild West and Chris B roping the women folk together to ride off with them in his wagon?
With his date card, CB picked Clare which turned out to be his & her massages on the beach and playing in the surf-- platonically. Did Clare know what a bullet she dodged by not wrapping her legs around him, pretending to be afraid of the water on that date? Later she found out.

Back at the palapa mansion, Marcus got a date card, much to Robert's dismay, and he took Lacey out to dinner. Lacey's shockingly easy switch from Robert to Marcus, and flirty look is getting old fast and already I'm kind of sick of her. Robert should be too. I like Marcus but see heartache in his future.

That night drinks came out and shots were consumed a little too fast around a beach bonfire. The BIP singles coined the super cute phrase YOPO--You Only Paradise Once and things got a little wild with face licking and such. Then Elise grabbed Chris B and took him into the surf. (You might remember that with such close quarters in the house, the surf is the fantasy suite on this show.) Much kissing ensued. Dylan, who earlier had told her to make other friends and go on a date with someone else, had gone to bed.
Next morning Elise looked like the dog's breakfast in a severe hung-over state and was regretful about kissing CB. She came clean with Dylan and he used this to pretend if she hadn't kissed CB, they'd be okay. But no, he was done with her. Clare innocently asked "Is anybody here for love?" as she realized that she'd gone on two dates and both men dropped her like a scorpion nest afterward.

As lizards and tree frogs watched incredulously from the leafy foliage, Zack (from Des's season) showed up and whisked poor ole lonely Clare off on a date to try on hats and goof around in town.
I actually felt happy for Clare now that she had herself a real live man who seemed to like her. They surmised that their pheromones were very compatible. In the surf Clare immediately wrapped those legs around Zack to verify his attraction to her. Yep, he liked her.




Dylan got the date card and asked Sarah, not Elise, and she decided to go on the date, with Elise's blessing. But wait! She was only kidding! Don't go. Or at least don't like him. Don't touch him or smile at him. Wait! Don't go. Oh well, go.
We didn't see much of the date but it's a long road back to dating for Dylan after one week of hanging out exclusively with the possessive Pisces, Elise. Sarah looked extremely awkward with her glass of apple juice and the two had a quiet dinner, saying nothing much at DREAMS resort.

Back at the beach, Elise talked non-stop about Dylan and got her hair done by Michelle M. while she nattered on and on and waited for her man and best friend to come home.

Lying on the bed wearing ankle socks, Marquel was present when Marcus spilled a glass of water on Ben Scott's backpack, conveniently revealing a love letter. Of course the two M's read it and confronted Ben at the bonfire. So far, Ben had not found a canoodling partner in the BIP group and when asked, confessed to a new girlfriend back home. Oh no! He's not there for the right reasons. Shame.
Michelle Money was very upset and cried herself off to another room saying Ben took a coveted spot that could have been used by some man who might be the love of her life. Hey wait. I thought she was getting to know Marquel.
Ben exited with a few tears, calling his "goodbye to Hollywood" and vowing to be "done with T.V." That's actually good news and also surprising news. Was Ben a big TV personality? It all works out because he's got this cute girlfriend in Texas who probably has no idea why he came on this stupid show in the first place.




The Rose Ceremony: Six roses to be handed out to seven men. I'm no mathematician but that means that someone will have to leave and I'm pretty sure it'll be a guy. Everyone got dressed up according to what they brought in their suitcase and then convened in the Couch Room.

All day men had been doing damage control, trying to secure a rose from a woman, Chris Bukowski working as hard as I've ever seen, especially because Elise wouldn't let go of the future she imagined with Dylan. Sorry CB, I'm having babies with Dylan, she all but said.

Before the ceremony, Marquel almost bought himself a plane ticket home when he and Michelle M went off to have a talk and he admitted that her excessive drinking concerned him. He was swigging red wine as he said this. ??? What?
Personal note: Can you imagine the closet these two might share if they end up together? The accessories, the colors? Every day would be a costume party!
 He exited when Robert asked to talk to Michelle, not realizing he should have stayed to get back on MM's good side! Tell her what you like about this amazing woman with the necklace stuck on her head. Robert tried to charm Michelle into giving him her rose and later entered the ceremony confident he'd step into Marquel's bow tie and pink shoes.
In the Rose Ceremony, roses were handed out and Elise tried to fasten the rose to Dylan who wouldn't take it. (He'd told her earlier not to try but she must've had sand in her ears because she heard, "I really do love you so much, but I'm scared.")
Elise then made a boring speech about something that the director chose to set to comedic circus music. When done, she handed out her rose to CB who pretended that he was simply being gracious by accepting it.
In a what just happened? moment, Sarah gave Robert her rose, not her date partner Dylan, and said she'd like to get to know Robert better. The boot was given to Dylan with no chance of love or a hookup, (unless he found a crew member to snuggle with before he flew out.)

Next week looks good as Graham and Ashley finally get a date, Clare enjoys her new man, another woman arrives who likes Marquel, and Chris B. continues to prove his slimy ways. Can't wait.


Kim Hornsby is the Amazon Bestselling author of several suspense novels as well as a romance series modeled after The Bachelor called The Husband Hunt. The first book in this series is free on Amazon. And once you get hooked, the second book costs money- 99 cents. This is how she makes enough money to pay for her children's nanny, the housekeeper, pool boy, and her dog walker.

Bachelor in Paradise- Racoon Steals the Show!

Bachelor in Paradise premiered last night with the arrival of fourteen contestants to a beachy remote resort in Tulum, Mexico. As the women stepped gingerly down the uneven rock stairs in platform sandals, Chris Harrison greeted (but did not help) each one and sent them down the beach to a huge open air cabana/mansion. In true man form, the guys greeted Chris, hot-footed it to the cabana and then checked out each girl walking along the beach.
Six men and eight women made up the first wave of BIP, with more arriving each week to surprise and disappoint others hoping for a rose. There is no game here, no money, and little structure. Just hang out, get to know each other and hook up.

The contestants live sequestered at the house, date cards show up for one on one dates, and everyone tries their darnedest to find someone to kiss in the surf. Or hang out in Bromance groups to drink and laugh.

Lacey Faddoul, an early reject from Juan Pablo's season, arrived determined to stay on the show longer than one night and secured herself two men in the first twenty four hours by taking each one into the surf to wrap her legs around and kiss. Her push-up, padded swim suit bra should have been counted as the ninth girl because it did most of the work to get Marcus Grodd and Robert interested.

AshLee Frazier, who we liked on Sean's season, set her crosshairs on Graham Bunn, telling him she was there for him which strangely did not scare the Bachelor alumni away. Neither did her severely false eyelashes. He kind of liked her declaration of love but when Clare Crawley (who is on BIP to clear her villain name) asked Graham on a date, AshLee freaked out, stalker-style, calling Clare names, crying, pretending to pack her messy suitcase. Clare took the high road and asked another guy in an effort to not cause trouble and still AshLee wouldn't talk to Graham. "Let's talk tomorrow." she said. What a _itch (it rhymes with ditch).
And speaking of dumb, Lacey said she likes her two swimming partners 80-40, which last time I checked does not add up to 100.

Robert went to the ruins with Clare who didn't know what a vista was, they had a fun time, Clare tried her hardest to be happy, fun, sexy, needy but Robert returned to the beach and went straight for Lacey to see if she was mad at him. When the sun set Clare had to talk to someone about this and the only pair of available ears were on a raccoon peeking through the beachside foliage. In all fairness to Clare, she was talking to a Bachelor producer and the camera but they edited the segment to look like she'd gone outside her species to find someone to listen to her. Very funny.
Sarah Herron got a date card and asked Marcus to go swimming at an underground cave-like pool. It was a super cool date but Sarah wore a one-piece swim suit and acted sweet and that does not get you a rose on this show.

At my house we shouted at her to find Marquel. Marcus kissed her tenderly and then when the date finished, he went looking for Lacey, who looked totally different in a high neck dress and less makeup. Didn't matter, she'd already mesmerized two men.
Michelle Money walked in as a surprise guest, with a date card, apologizing for crashing the party which was nice of her especially because she was the villain on her season, telling her Bachelor (Brad, I think) to send the other girls home, in a dominatrix sort of way. She chose Marquel to go horseback riding. He'd never even touched a horse before and handled the whole thing like a champion in his highly accessorized way. They smashed a coconut on the beach after and drank the milk but I did not see any chemistry between them even though they walked arm in arm on the beach for the cameras.
Back at the cabana, Elise was canoodling with Dylan which physically looked like a perfect match, AshLee was doing damage control with Graham, especially seeing he and Michelle Money were a thing last year, and both Michelle Kujawa and Ben Scott were doing nothing to find true love. Or were they? You might remember Michelle from 4 years ago when she awkwardly obsessed over Jake, cried about wanting to leave the show and begged him to kiss her even though her face was covered in snot.
Yea, that's her. More on what was keeping Michelle busy next week but first let's remember Ben. He brought his son on the show when he arrived to greet Desiree. Turned out he was kind of smarmy so he's probably on the show to do damage control on his image too.
Like musical chairs, people were pairing up but no one was desperate enough to pretend to like Ben. Chris Harrison had informed the group that the men would give out roses and anyone without a rose would go home. With the arrival of Michelle M. that meant two girls were catching the next flight back to the border.

The rose ceremony was tense with Sarah pretty sure Marcus would pick her seeing Robert was going to ask Lacey and she appeared to be favoring him. The wildcard was Ben's rose. But first, Michelle K had an announcement. She hadn't found anyone to hook up with and was leaving the show. In a ridiculous moment Chris Harrison said "but it's only the first week," like she had plenty more time to find a partner. No. She was done and probably realized her acerbic ways and pale skin just did not fit in. Off she went.

Roses were handed out, some randomly and Daniella was the one to leave this week which was just as well. Unless they stood side by side I kept getting her mixed up with Elise.
Next week is high drama as Chris Harrison goes to Michelle K's hotel room and someone hairy ends up with broken feet. Can't wait!

Kim Hornsby is the author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, a bestselling suspense novel on Amazon, as well as the tongue-in-cheek Bachelor takeoff THE HUSBAND HUNT. She lives in Seattle with her hubby, kids and dogs where she avoids housework by pretending she's a serious blogger.

Bachelor In Paradise - Drama Unleashed!

Bachelor In Paradise is only 58 hours away (Monday August 4th, 8pm, ABC) and I couldn't care less about this stupid looking show. NOT!

I, for one, will be glued to the TV on Monday watching The Bachelor Franchise's newest summer spin off that replaced Bachelor Pad--a show that ended up being more game show that a true opportunity to find love in this crazy mixed up world.
Apparently Bachelor producers believe their own PR because that's what Chris B. Harrison is saying. Or roughly.

Bachelor in Paradise is a show about finding love. The fact that they put an uneven amount of men to women on a Mexican Beach, (where laws are loose and men are looser) supply unlimited amounts of alcohol and bikinis and tell the group that if they don't find "love" they go home, doesn't suggest pimping to me. How about you?

Again, producers do not supply enough seating for contestants, and everyone must sit uncomfortably close on one couch! Two men even have to stand. Look at them crammed in here.


From what I've read, the men give roses out to the women they want to stay on the all-expense-paid vacation so that encourages the women to get busy and secure a lasting relationship PDQ. Quick, everyone find a soul mate and sit down criss cross applesauce. Or head to the beach in a bikini and feed each other.
There are date cards, new people arrive every week as others leave for various reasons, not the least of which were the roaches and scorpions.

Chris Bukowski, who shows up for everything that says Bachelor hookups, is one of the surprise guests, as is the dude who called Emily Maynard's daughter "excess baggage" and hooked up last summer with Lyndsey from Seattle on Bachelor Pad. Where the heck is Lyndsey? Cody the muscular trainer is a guest, as is Michelle Money.






Have you seen the trailers? There will be lots of crying, (remember alcohol is a depressant,) and switching partners, (alcohol is an anti-inhibitor,) and someone even gets handcuffed!
How can we not watch at this point? True, the ambulance's appearance usually turns out to be for nothing but they said there was blood all over the floor. Did I say that someone ends up in handcuffs? Now, they could be just playing some S&M game at the Cabana but probably not. The close up on the handcuffs revealed what I thought looked like Claire Crawley's wrists. Not Claire!

I predict that she is really mad at Sarah Herron for stealing her boy/man, Robert, and threatens Sarah. Sarah is so stressed out she has a nosebleed that drips all over the floor before those drama-lovin' producers can find some paper towels.

What's in store for us on the soon to be hit show? Lacy and Marcus get cozy, Marquel gets to beach walk with someone who appreciates his sweetness (and abs,) and the original Michelle (K.) slams the door on Chris Harrison.
I'll see you all right here on Tuesday for my unbiased take on what promises to be one of the most dramatic seasons ever on Bachelor in Paradise.

Kim Hornsby is the Amazon Bestselling author of several suspense novels as well as a romance series modeled after The Bachelor called The Husband Hunt. The first book is free on Amazon. And once you get hooked, the second book costs money. This is how she makes enough money to pay for her children's nanny, her husband's mistress/housekeeper, and her dog walker.