Bachelor in Paradise Finale--Breakups & Startups

Bachelor in Paradise is over. All the playa fun has come to a crashing halt, people are back home (have been for months) and relationships that began on the show are done. Or are they?
If you haven't skipped ahead and have avoided all the news articles about who's still together, last night's finale might have had some great surprises.
We pick up where we left off last week. Chris Harrison has just announced to the cast that if they don't see forever in their relationships, break up now. "Don't try and fool me," he warns, like couples are going to risk whatever is coming next just to get one past ole Chris.

The genders split up and go to separate palapas, the men ending up in #97 to talk it out, the women in the papaya palapa on the playa.
Did I miss the part where they were told to stay with their gender, not couple up to talk it out? Ashlee's expression darkens but not as dark as the blush she's used on her chest area to make cleavage. #makeupmalfunction In Ashlee's mind, she's happy with Graham. Things are all roses and unicorns in her happy world but Graham feels otherwise, especially after his BFF Michelle Money orders him to break up with Ash, like Graham doesn't have his own brain.

He trusts Double M and cuts AshLee loose, which actually was kind of sad. She gets immediately into the exit vehicle, not stopping to get her suitcase full of cute headbands and fringe vests. Graham gets hugs from his Bro contingent, packs and goes. Jackie doesn't know Zack well enough to sign a contract saying she's going to stay with this guy until she dies and they break up, Christy and Tasos too. The traffic from Tulum to the airport thickens with BIP alumni. I have to think they are all going to spend the night at the same hotel and talk in the bar anyhow, don't you? Maybe not AshLee. She looked blindsided and instead of her happy face and bitch face, she now has a new facial expression--very sad. I felt badly for her and almost forgot what mad face looks like. Oh yea.


Sarah and Robert are still together, holding tight and happy, but Michelle, who loves drama and face time on camera, is filled with emotion and worry that Cody is or is not THE one. She phones her nine year old for love advice. Surprisingly, the kid sounds more mature than Double M and gives her some solid hints at how to tell if he's for you.

Back at the orange couch in the palapa papaya on the playa, Chris H tells these last three couples what he thinks of their coupling combinations. I squirmed to hear him say he was thrilled about Sarah and Robert and surprised by Cody and Michelle and touched by Marcus and Lacy. (I guess no one remembers Lacy dropping Marcus for Robert two weeks earlier.) I think Chris H fancies himself a relationship expert.
I pictured the Bachelor Producers in a secret room watching 27 cameras and analyzing the relationships.
The next step was date cards for overnight dates in fantasy suites but Michelle isn't sure. She's a mom! She can't rush into anything.
When she decides to go with Cody for the whole night, without cameras, she asks Cody "You know you're not getting laid tonight, right?" She doesn't want to give her heart away easily but doesn't mind saying some funny/crass stuff on TV. Go Double M! He grins like she's the cutest thing he's ever seen. These two might just be a good combo after all. He gets her. That Double M--she's a huckleberry.
One couple goes to Dreams Resort, one to ZenSerenity and Michelle and Cody head off to a private suite somewhere to presumably talk all night.
In the morning, the three couples meet up back on the couch but Robert and Sarah have had a strange night with him sleeping in his jeans, avoiding her on the far side of the big bed. To see Lacy and Marcus look like they've just cemented the deal and then Cody and Michelle walk in like he's the best lover she's ever had, Sarah wonders what's wrong with her. If Michelle hadn't grandstanded about her new boyfriend and how his muscles match what he's got down below, Sarah and Robert might have weathered the storm. BUT, Sarah pulls Robert aside to say she felt unloved, without flat-out asking him why he refused her advancement to take off those jeans. Girl, you guys are used to sleeping in clothes, you have to spell it out for him. He's a nice guy. Maybe he was scared.
If she'd just asked him why. If he'd just told her the truth. If those two could communicate like people in their twenties instead of tweenagers, they might have made it but they couldn't. Robert was very hurt and seemed to not know what Sarah was saying. He left saying he gave it his best shot.

Personally, I thought a relationship counsellor could've come in to help them at this point, and that would've been fun to watch. But no. Sarah left crying her eyes out, and now they are going to run into each other everywhere, seeing they live within two minutes of each other back home.

Speaking of counsellors, Chris brings in some surprise guests with advice on how to transition from the Bachelor set to real life--Des and Chris, Sean and Catherine and Molly and Jason.
The couples talk to Michody and Marcy (see what I did there? This is called shipping -- relationshipping), and give them some words of wisdom.

The final rose ceremony has Marcus getting down on one knee, pulling out a Neil Lane box and proposing to Lacy. We knew they were engaged, right. So this wasn't a big surprise. What was a surprise was that Neil Lane had time to fly in. Cody accepts Michelle's final rose like there was any doubt and all five couples walk off into the sunset beach laughing and talking like they are off camera, leave Chris in his Miami Vice suit to clean up the wreckage of Bachelor in Paradise.

But wait. There's bloopers and those cute little what are they all doing now moments. With tongue planted firmly in cheek the BIP producers show the raccoon who still wants to get on TV, Robert, who still sleeps in his jeans, Kalon wearing a I Love Juan Pablo T-shirt, Sarah is trying to get over her broken heart, Graham is healing, AshLee is trying to mend her image seeing 10 million people think she's a ding dong, Cody is training the next Bachelor, Chris Soules, and I'm thinking they'll all see each other at the next alumni fundraiser or cruise. See this one in Toronto last weekend?

Bloopers involve lots of bug shots, Double M singing, and me wondering for the last time why this franchise doesn't turn Michelle's life into a reality show. Did you know she is an actress with movie credits? She has a movie in post production now. Not leads but speaking parts. And she had movie credits before her first Bachelor appearance in 2011. She even did the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition a few years ago.
Now that she has Cody, there is more to watch besides doing makeup, hair and choosing costumes to wear as she take advice from a nine-year old child. AND, if Cody works out, she will never do another Bachelor show again. Someone is gonna get this girl on TV and it might as well be you guys.
Come on, Chris Harrison. I know you read this blog. Do it!






Kim Hornsby is a bestselling novelist of Suspense Fiction. She also pens 2 hour reads that resemble watching a season of The Bachelor. The first one The Husband Hunt--Jaxie's Mistake is free on Amazon if you want to try one. Come on. You know you want to. Just one.

Bachelor in Paradise - Broken Legs and Face Licking!

Didn't we just know this would be the best Bachelor in Paradise episode in all history? And it was!
This week's installment of drama, drinking and dumping started with Chris Harrison explaining a situation that must've made the producers simultaneously salivate and cackle with joy.
Michelle K was eliminated last week after saying she didn't find a connection with anyone on BIP. She took herself out of the running, apparently to get back to her adjoined hotel room where the door was open to a crew member who wooed her (initially by finding the poor girl some dental floss.) You all saw how MK's loveshack twist evolved and that when cameras tried to film her in the room, she shut the door on Chris Harrison, saying to another producer that CH is not "the guy", he's "just a host". Ha ha. If she had any hope of keeping her secret quiet, that ruined her chances. CH is the biggest big wig next to Mike Fleiss in The Bachelor franchise.
Long story short, the psychiatrist was ready to debrief Michelle (as is always the custom on The Bachelor), a crew went to get her, Michelle was wearing only a towel and her next door buddy, Ryan Putz, was there--a big no no. In the dark, he estimated the jump off the balcony to be 6 feet, lept and broke both legs to protect both Michelle's reputation and his job. He pretty much screwed up both, and was taken to the Tulum hospital for bright white casts and his walking papers. Why didn't he just go back to his room through the adjoining door?

Back at the beachside Hacienda, Clare told Lacey to "lock it in" with Marcus in a whispered bunkbed conversation, only to be interrupted by the arrival of Chris Bukowski to the tune of the Jaws music. How appropriate. You remember Chris B. He shows up for anything and everything where there's girls, free plane tickets, TV face time, and prize money. The funniest line of the night was when a small group of men watched CB approach with a date card and Marcus bet he was here to "steal the women". Did anyone else picture the Wild West and Chris B roping the women folk together to ride off with them in his wagon?
With his date card, CB picked Clare which turned out to be his & her massages on the beach and playing in the surf-- platonically. Did Clare know what a bullet she dodged by not wrapping her legs around him, pretending to be afraid of the water on that date? Later she found out.

Back at the palapa mansion, Marcus got a date card, much to Robert's dismay, and he took Lacey out to dinner. Lacey's shockingly easy switch from Robert to Marcus, and flirty look is getting old fast and already I'm kind of sick of her. Robert should be too. I like Marcus but see heartache in his future.

That night drinks came out and shots were consumed a little too fast around a beach bonfire. The BIP singles coined the super cute phrase YOPO--You Only Paradise Once and things got a little wild with face licking and such. Then Elise grabbed Chris B and took him into the surf. (You might remember that with such close quarters in the house, the surf is the fantasy suite on this show.) Much kissing ensued. Dylan, who earlier had told her to make other friends and go on a date with someone else, had gone to bed.
Next morning Elise looked like the dog's breakfast in a severe hung-over state and was regretful about kissing CB. She came clean with Dylan and he used this to pretend if she hadn't kissed CB, they'd be okay. But no, he was done with her. Clare innocently asked "Is anybody here for love?" as she realized that she'd gone on two dates and both men dropped her like a scorpion nest afterward.

As lizards and tree frogs watched incredulously from the leafy foliage, Zack (from Des's season) showed up and whisked poor ole lonely Clare off on a date to try on hats and goof around in town.
I actually felt happy for Clare now that she had herself a real live man who seemed to like her. They surmised that their pheromones were very compatible. In the surf Clare immediately wrapped those legs around Zack to verify his attraction to her. Yep, he liked her.




Dylan got the date card and asked Sarah, not Elise, and she decided to go on the date, with Elise's blessing. But wait! She was only kidding! Don't go. Or at least don't like him. Don't touch him or smile at him. Wait! Don't go. Oh well, go.
We didn't see much of the date but it's a long road back to dating for Dylan after one week of hanging out exclusively with the possessive Pisces, Elise. Sarah looked extremely awkward with her glass of apple juice and the two had a quiet dinner, saying nothing much at DREAMS resort.

Back at the beach, Elise talked non-stop about Dylan and got her hair done by Michelle M. while she nattered on and on and waited for her man and best friend to come home.

Lying on the bed wearing ankle socks, Marquel was present when Marcus spilled a glass of water on Ben Scott's backpack, conveniently revealing a love letter. Of course the two M's read it and confronted Ben at the bonfire. So far, Ben had not found a canoodling partner in the BIP group and when asked, confessed to a new girlfriend back home. Oh no! He's not there for the right reasons. Shame.
Michelle Money was very upset and cried herself off to another room saying Ben took a coveted spot that could have been used by some man who might be the love of her life. Hey wait. I thought she was getting to know Marquel.
Ben exited with a few tears, calling his "goodbye to Hollywood" and vowing to be "done with T.V." That's actually good news and also surprising news. Was Ben a big TV personality? It all works out because he's got this cute girlfriend in Texas who probably has no idea why he came on this stupid show in the first place.




The Rose Ceremony: Six roses to be handed out to seven men. I'm no mathematician but that means that someone will have to leave and I'm pretty sure it'll be a guy. Everyone got dressed up according to what they brought in their suitcase and then convened in the Couch Room.

All day men had been doing damage control, trying to secure a rose from a woman, Chris Bukowski working as hard as I've ever seen, especially because Elise wouldn't let go of the future she imagined with Dylan. Sorry CB, I'm having babies with Dylan, she all but said.

Before the ceremony, Marquel almost bought himself a plane ticket home when he and Michelle M went off to have a talk and he admitted that her excessive drinking concerned him. He was swigging red wine as he said this. ??? What?
Personal note: Can you imagine the closet these two might share if they end up together? The accessories, the colors? Every day would be a costume party!
 He exited when Robert asked to talk to Michelle, not realizing he should have stayed to get back on MM's good side! Tell her what you like about this amazing woman with the necklace stuck on her head. Robert tried to charm Michelle into giving him her rose and later entered the ceremony confident he'd step into Marquel's bow tie and pink shoes.
In the Rose Ceremony, roses were handed out and Elise tried to fasten the rose to Dylan who wouldn't take it. (He'd told her earlier not to try but she must've had sand in her ears because she heard, "I really do love you so much, but I'm scared.")
Elise then made a boring speech about something that the director chose to set to comedic circus music. When done, she handed out her rose to CB who pretended that he was simply being gracious by accepting it.
In a what just happened? moment, Sarah gave Robert her rose, not her date partner Dylan, and said she'd like to get to know Robert better. The boot was given to Dylan with no chance of love or a hookup, (unless he found a crew member to snuggle with before he flew out.)

Next week looks good as Graham and Ashley finally get a date, Clare enjoys her new man, another woman arrives who likes Marquel, and Chris B. continues to prove his slimy ways. Can't wait.


Kim Hornsby is the Amazon Bestselling author of several suspense novels as well as a romance series modeled after The Bachelor called The Husband Hunt. The first book in this series is free on Amazon. And once you get hooked, the second book costs money- 99 cents. This is how she makes enough money to pay for her children's nanny, the housekeeper, pool boy, and her dog walker.