The Farmer Picks a Wife, The Farmer Picks a Wife, Hi Ho the Derry O

The season finale of The Bachelor (Prince Farming) opened on Monday with Chris Soules visiting his family at his parent's very flat, snowy farm in Iowa. My eyeballs froze just looking at the frosty breaths of Chris and Whitney as she ran across the icy driveway to his waiting arms. Once inside the warmth, Whitney charmed everyone to the nth degree, even making Chris's dad cry during her dinner toast. Whitney is the perfect choice for this Bachelor. Forget the squeaky voice, Whitney is in love with him, will move to Iowa, is beautiful, accomplished and all in.
Chris's Mom, Linda, is a lovely, warm, interesting person with a face that says the Good Life in Iowa and tells Whitney that she "could take her and love her, just like that but it's Christopher's choice." Everyone loves everyone else and Whitney heads off in the black SUV in her plaid shirt dress, sure that she's going to be giving Linda grandchildren soon.

The Soules boys gather in the tool shop for a beer and a romance talk and nothing gets decided.
The next day, the sisters take Chris aside to ask him about Becca. Soon it becomes clear that Chris really likes Becca but she might not like him quite as much.

Skip forward ten hours and we know that Becca likes Chris but isn't all in. The family likes her and laughs a lot with her but doubts that she's ready for a proposal. And they don't even know about the BIG V situation! I wonder what they thought when they realized that Becca had never been in love or had a lover. The talk that Becca has with Chris's mother Linda, is golden. Every young girl out there should take heed. Linda says it all, so beautifully.




Here's my theory on how Becca got this far when her relationship with Chris was so tentative. I believe that weeks ago, he really liked her as much as Whitney. Then he met Becca's family, loved them, LOVED THEM! and wanted to be a part of that. Then, all of a sudden, it was the fantasy suite, she was truthful about her lack of experience, and that was not an obstacle for them. Had Becca's personality merged with Whitney's attitude, Chris wouldn't have needed to make a choice. Chris had a real connection with Becca and kudos to Whitney for breaking through that because, you know what? A long marriage is based on mutual commitment. Not doubts and distance, or initial chemistry. Chris goes to Becca's hotel room for a down and dirty talk and the next day shows Whitney his house, his farm, his combine, and it's at that moment that Chris Soules falls completely in love with Whitney.

 

With Becca gone from his heart now, you can almost see the green light in front of Chris and Whitney. It's a beautiful thing.
The proposal the next day is as nice as the release of Becca from the obligation of trying to feel love. Of course Becca is sad. Her boyfriend broke up with her. But I think she understands that Whitney is ready, in love, and the best choice for Chris. She's not being asked to leave a SoCal lifestyle, give up her guarded virginity and hurry up the process when she's not sure. Whitney is sure.
After the Final Rose with Chris Harrison and the studio audience we see Chris, three months later, talking to CH in Los Angeles about his engagement to Whitney.
Why, in God's name, does CH keep harping on Chris about Becca? "What if ..." The audience clearly feels that CH is harping because when Chris answers, they clap in relief. Chris is a gentleman. Chris Soules that is, and  as such, he is hesitant to say anything to diminish any relationship he had with any girl. Becca comes out to the stage and politely admits she wasn't ready and that's that.
After the commercial break, Becca leaves, Whitney comes out to the stage, the couple looks predictably happy, and Whitney verifies her maturity by saying she didn't watch the show. Not anyone else's dates but hers. Well done, Whitney! Then CH verifies his immaturity as a TV host and harps on the fact that Whitney should watch to see how conflicted Chris was at the end. SHUT UP Chris B. Harrison!!!
Whitney is funny, sweet, in love and Chris is lucky. The parents are "over the top" while the rest of America wishes they had in laws like these two.
Making babies-- "They will be cute," she says. "Bleep, Ya," Chris says.
Ashley S. -- Bachelor in Paradise? Still not sure. "I suppose I might be there," she says, but Chris H takes that as a yes.

Okay now, what do we think about Britt and Kaitlyn as co-Bachelorettes?  STUPID IDEA! When they say Bachelor Nation was divided, they meant that Chris H likes Britt and Mike Fleiss, the creator, likes Kaitlyn. Bachelor Nation was not split down the middle by any stretch of the imagination. Go on Twitter to see. Team Kaitlyn was WAY ahead! Britt was barely in the running. Bachelor Producer propaganda.

I feel badly for both girls. They are both very uncomfortable with this totally stupid idea, and Chris H puts them on the spot asking them how the show will go down. How are they going to do it? Hey Chris, if you don't know what's going to happen, who does? CH's interview with the sparkly twins is as stupid and redundant as I've ever seen on this show. WTF. It made me mad. The whole thing looks like mud wrestling but without the mud.

Shame on you Bachelor producers, shame on you. Bad ending to a fun season.


Kim Hornsby is a bestselling author of romantic suspense and the romantic series The Husband Hunt, modeled after The Bachelor.

Carly is Zak's Sister! & Naughty Guru Tries to Seduce The Bachelor

Smelly Girl, Creepy Girl, Naughty Guru, and Big Eyes all vie for Chris Soules' hand in The Bachelor's Prince Farming this week. Carly with the big eyes, is Zak's sister from Desiree's season but more on that later.
Santa Fe, New Mexico is the spectacular setting for the show which has Megan all happy to finally be leaving the country. Somebody needs to check her map of North America and then put her passport away before she puts on a sombrero and makes a fool of herself.

The first date is with Carly, a one on one that has even me watching the TV through my fingers from embarrassment. The love guru, Tziporah, who's given name is probably Janet or Karen, visibly flirts with Chris at the beginning. Tell me this look isn't naughty.
Then she has Chris and Carly breathing each other's recycled air and feeling each other's feet and hips in an effort to bring them closer spiritually.

Man, these two were such good sports that it wasn't until the guru asked Carly to take off Chris's pants that Carly admitted her hesitation. You probably won't remember Carly from Desiree's season but she is Zak's sister who sang with her strange-eyed guitar playing bro to serenade Desiree in hometowns. Zak bought Desiree that ring in anticipation, remember?

The family is obviously known for their eyes. Carly's are HUGE, like those Big Eyes paintings.

Chris and Carly were finally released from the guru's torture and had a heart to heart talk in a lodge-style setting where they both revealed their insecurities about not being good enough. Note to Carly: Stop saying "like." Cue the romantic guitar Bachelor music aaaannnnnndddd Kiss time.
Back from commercial we saw Ashley poo-poo ing Kelsey's widowhood and although we didn't want to diss a widow, we kind of wondered about Kelsey.
The group date involved Megan, Jade, Kailyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley and Kelsey. If you don't know who Samantha is, don't worry. Neither does Chris. Megan is the girl who thinks she's in Mexico, BTW.
Against the backdrop of red cliffs and eagles flying in the early morning light, the girls headed off to the Rio Grande for some river rafting! In full makeup! And extensions! Soon enough Cisco the rafter man had them dressed in dorky lifejackets and helmets, armed with paddles and quaking in their tennis shoes with fear about going over the side of the raft. With good reason, it appeared.
Jade fell in but was pulled out by the raft guy even though Kaitlyn tried but her arms are as big around as a coke can. Once out of the boats, Chris rubbed Jade's hypothermic feet and they drank champagne to celebrate. The real drama was short-haired Kelsey who seemed to LOVE bitching to the camera and quickly revealed an "I will not be ignored" Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction - ish quality to her dating style.
As her fake laugh bounced off the Rio Grande Canyon walls for hours after they left, Kelsey developed a strategic game plan.
The group date party at the Red Sage had former contestant, drunk girl Jordan, the twerker, showing up, having driven from Colorado to ask for a second chance. Chris Harrison said he was surprised to see her, but you have to know the producers ok'ed this bold move. The girls' claws came out when they saw Jordan joining the party and Whitney argued with Ashley about not being mean to Jordan. Ashley's plan was to get all the girls to freeze out the newcomer. cough, high school, cough. There just isn't enough mascara for another girl! Then when Chris decided to say bye bye to Jordan, Ashley joined in the fake smiles and hugs to wish her happy trails.
Chris Harrison said today that this is a particularly catty group and I have to think that Ashley isn't helping.
Whitney got the rose on the date, almost like Chris knew she opposed Ashley's bully plan and then the Kim Kardashian look alike went off to her bed with her bestie to pout and talk stink.


Britt gets the next date and the card indicates they are doing something sky high which sends the once front runner into hysterics because she's terrified of heights.

And showers it appears. Britt hasn't showered since she arrived and the other girls are either envious or repulsed. I can't tell. Strange thing is that she has gorgeous hair. Bad dye job but clean looking hair!
Very very early in the morning, Chris wakes up Britt in a dorm full of bedded girls, tells Carly to shhh and kisses Britt to wake her up. Okay, nobody kisses that enthusiastically at 4:30 without brushing their teeth. I have to think that she had a heads up warning. According to the girls, Britt applies fresh makeup for sleeping but doesn't shower. Hmm.
The date involves a sunrise hot air balloon ride that Britt is so excited for, we wonder about that fear of heights when they cruise over the Rio Grande Gorge a hundred feet up and Britt is kissing and smiling. Liar liar smelly red pants on fire.

Speaking of liars, after playing What's Under the Sheets in Chris's bed, Britt heads back to the hotel room and Kelsey slips away to execute her diabolical plan to use her story to secure a rose.
This is where it gets creepy. Kelsey tells her story about being widowed by Sanderson Po (I guess he was a singer or something and she feels the need to drop his name even though he's no longer with us) and tears are plentiful. Chris consoles her and then they kiss. Or rather she tries to kiss him. Personally, I think Chris felt how inappropriate this was after her revelation and tears, and pulled back. Then she dove in for another kiss. If Chris could've seen what this widow was saying about her story to the camera, it was very Fatal Attraction. Guidance counselor be damned. This gal needs therapy. She loves her story. Her story is amazing. Kelsey said "I know this is Chris's story but it's also my story. This is the unfolding of someone who's been through something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and another relationship." Then she suggested we tune in Monday nights at 8pm to watch her amazing transformation. Huh? The producers must've been salivating at this juicy footage. What a wacko.
Dressed up and ready for her God-given rose, Kelsey appears to be the cat who ate the canary on the couch at the cocktail party. In a private interview, Ashley is jealous that Kelsey's story is so much better than hers, like that's the criteria for catching the bachelor's attention. Too bad Ashley doesn't have a dead husband. Sensing what needs to be done, Chris cancels the cocktail party and tells CH he knows who has to leave. Dude, get her outta there before your rabbit gets boiled.

But Kelsey slipped off to the ladies room where CH said she turned off her microphone then ended up on the floor outside the bathroom wailing into a now turned on microphone, having a 'panic attack' with a medic in purple gloves. Then 'To Be Continued' flashed on the screen, a new thing for The Bachelor to keep viewers in pain all week.
Personally, I don't need to wait all week to see Kelsey being helped to her feet by Chris (who she clings to desperately) and him toying with the idea of keeping her around for her own health. This is how I think it should go down:
The producers bar Kelsey from seeing The Bachelor until she regains her composure. No Chris until she's back to normal. Then she might stand up, not receive a rose and realize the timing of her story was all wrong. Then someone should give that girl an Emmy for acting, not in a reality show but in a drama!
Last but not least, is Megan donning a sobrero. Okaaay. I think some body needs to get a little sober-o before they start talking to the camera. Just sayin'.


Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, an award-winning novel set in Hawaii that asks the question, what happened the day he never returned home?
She also writes a whimsical series The Husband Hunt, much like The Bachelor. Free on Amazon.

Brokeback Bachelor with Chris Soules and Jimmy Kimmel

Week 3 in The Bachelor had a clever addition to the guest list--Jimmy Kimmel! Stroke of genius for having him shadow both Chrises and poke his nosey nose into the mix.

First good idea: The Amazing Jar. Jimmy set a large jar on the table so that every time someone said "amazing" they owed the jar a dollar. And if you're a Bachelor fan, you know that word gets tossed around as much as the words "journey" and "looking for love." Heck, by the time Jimmy stopped telling the girls he was personally going to make love to each of them to help Chris with his decision, the jar had $3.
First date card was from Jimmy telling Kaitlyn (Canadian) they were going to an exclusive club. Turned out to be Costco and with the shopping list in hand, Chris and Kaitlyn bought a ton of unnecessary stuff that some intern from ABC would have to return later. After goofing around at Costco, they grilled steaks and played house for their guest at Chris's abode.

With the help of a bottle of bourbon, the three laughed uproarishly (Chris giggled in that high girly way) and a great time was had by all. Kaitlyn is funny but then she's Canuck. :) They finished the date with kissing in the hot tub, and the camera panning right to see Jimmy in the corner watching them. #threesome
The group date with twelve girls (12!!!!)  had them competing on a farmer-type race to shuck corn, drink warm goat milk and catch a greased baby pig. The cruise ship singer, Carly, was driven to win this thing and tried to ignore Jillian the buffed body builder who hopped the pig fence in one leap. I think it's super funny that the show continues to block out Jillian's butt in a black rectangle because apparently Jillian LOVES her butt. Carly won and got the amazing ($1) honor of getting her photo taken with Chris in costumes a la American gothic. Wow. Lucky her!
Then off to the rooftop cocktail party where Chris giggled and did some talking, dancing and kissing with all the girls.

Those farmers sure like to kiss! MacKenzie called him out on all the kissing then awkwardly tried to take it back. Jillian looked predatory with her arm around Britt, and Becca had a nice normal talk with Chris and explained why she'll wait to kiss him. Amazing move! ($2) She got a rose.

The one on one went to Whitney the Disney princess-voiced nurse who cried to hear her name on the card. They ended up at a winery and pretended to crash a wedding, on the winery lawn. Rumor has it that the bachelor producers later thanked Nick and Shannon for agreeing to the crash. Did anyone wonder why no one seemed to recognize Chris? Or how the bride didn't come right out and say "we don't know you guys!" Still it was a cute schtick. Whitney redeemed herself as a possible contender but only if she has vocal chord surgery.

The next morning Chris and Jimmy Kimmel showered together thereby creating the hashtag Brokeback Bachelor and Chris headed off the to the Girlie Mansion for a pool party.

The beach balls flew, sunscreen was applied, pecs were flashed (Jillian) and then Juelia took Chris aside to tell him about her husband's suicide. Wa Wa Wa.

The only way to save the party was for Jade to take Chris to his house for a tour. Of the bed! They got down and dirty fast and then on the way out discovered Jillian waiting in the hot tub in her predatory way. Cue the sexy saxophone music. I bet she's a feared news producer. She scares me. When others tried to join them, she vibed them out but they came back eventually.
Back at the mansion, Chris found tearful Ashley I who was upset to not get alone time and all but pulled him off the roof with her in a weird embrace. Now I can believe that she's never had a boyfriend.

At the Rose Ceremony "Pack UP!" Kimmel did an amazing ($3) impersonation of Chris Harrison, and Chris Soules got to work handing out the thornless roses. Ashley I got hers last which is customarily a sign that that girl is hanging on by the skin of her teeth and better buck up.
Apparently she suggested that Chris give her one of the first roses and not make her wait. Cough. Virgin. Cough.
On another note, Ashley S. was super quiet this week but continued to stare vacantly off into nothing. Can't wait to see her on Girls Tell All!

Tomorrow is another episode and I'm excited to see if the Amazing Jar is still there.

Kim Hornsby is the Best Selling Author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE, an award-winning novel set in Hawaii that asks the question, what happened the day he never returned home?
She also writes a whimsical series The Husband Hunt, much like The Bachelor. Free on Amazon.

Farmer Chris Starts Filming The Bachelor!

Lovably romantic Iowa farmer, Chris Soules, has been confirmed as the next contestant to look for love on ABC's The Bachelor.

You probably remember Chris best for sky writing over his farm when he and Andi Dorfman had a hometown date, or for being the writer of the secret admirer letters to the Bachelorette. Chris with the bright white teeth, dreamy eyes and honorable ways. According to insiders, he had this opportunity in the bag since the night he was eliminated by Andi. They wanted him all along. He is definitely a fan favorite but also comes with the added bonus for the Bachelor franchise that he is nothing like Juan Pablo.
With bachelor nation still stinging from J.P.'s strange season, many of whom said "I'm done with watching this stupid show," The Bachelor producers are still doing damage control for Juan's cocky defiance, even though he and Nikki Ferrell are still together, which is more than most bachelor couples can say 10 months later. Who knows what guns J. Pablo stuck to in order to get his way and maybe even retain a semblance of dignity. He is contractually not allowed to speak about a lot of what went on but he cryptically tweets that during the Bachelor process the producers negotiated with him to make choices he didn't agree with. Nikki knows what went on and tweets against the producers regularly, calling them out in support of J.P.
But now we have a very different kind of a Bachelor headed our way--32 year old farmer Chris Soules. In recent interviews Soules has said that he believes in this process and I think that is either sweetly optimistic or his way of saying "it's lonely out there on the farm and I'm gonna jump on this opportunity and have some fun."
I'm sure the idea is pitched to him as a golden opportunity, like being picked to go up in space on a rocket ship. Chris Harrison probably uses the words "true love" and talks about how difficult it is to find love in this crazy world. I have hours of fun just imaging what is said to get a nice person without a modeling career to think of to do this show.
The Iowa town Soules comes from is very small and you can imagine that he's dated every available single woman. His last relationship lasted seven years and they broke up because it wasn't great, only good. So he's a stick with it kind of guy if he lasted seven years. He's probably used to settling because of his remote location. But now he'll be dating some pretty gorgeous women in heavy makeup and gowns who have never even seen a tractor. Women who will lie and pretend they love the outdoors and farm life in particular, just to get to the holy final four so they can become a part of the Bachelor Family and get loads of TV time and attend all the fundraisers and parties. Chris better have his BS detector on high.
Filming starts soon and we'll see the results in January, after we have to endure a season of Dancing With The Stars. Good luck Chris. My advice is to maybe do the hometowns first and have them clean a horse barn for the first date.
In other news, has anyone noticed ads on T.V. lately for a dating service much like Match.com but called FarmerLove or some such thing? I'm seeing these commercials all over the place now that Chris is the new Bachelor. Are women out there thinking they'd like to bag a farmer, because not all farmers are like Chris Soules, I just want to say. A lot of them wear overalls and you know how sexy those look on a man, especially one who smells like manure and has a pot belly. You have to like a certain lifestyle and enjoy flat land and remote locations. I married a man from a flat farming area but he likes urban life and I'm thankful for that. I'd never last a year in his hometown, not that it isn't lovely, but it's remote. (Hi Honey!)
Regardless of Chris Soules' prior speeding tickets (long straight roads in Iowa) his open alcohol containers in the car (farm life!) and running stop lights in the town of 160 people, I think the next season of the bachelor will be filled with sweet gestures and romance. After all, this is a guy who works to end hunger in his home state, champions for farmers, and still has time to bring in the crops and play ghost in the graveyard at family gatherings.

Kim Hornsby is the bestselling author of The Dream Jumper's Promise an award winning Mystery novel as well as the short story series, The Husband Hunt, modeled after The Bachelor. The first one is free, the second story is cheap and the third is being written right now.