Andi Dorfman Nixes the Fantasy Suite!

This week I flew to the Dominican Republic to romance three gorgeous men without a care in the world. Oh wait. Not me. Andi.

Last night's episode of The Bachelorette took us south (unless you live in the Southern Hemisphere) to the island of the Dominican Republic. It's the co-joined twin of Haiti in the Caribbean. Took me three tries to spell that last word! Don't ask  me to spell Hispaniola.

Andi pulls her own small suitcase, yea right, along the marble floor to her tropical paradise hotel room and ponders her week with the last three men who have stolen her heart. As I watched her apply makeup in her bathroom mirror, I got a few tips on how to lightly dust my non-existent cheekbones with blush to add a hint of bone structure. Nice.

The first date was with Nick, the man who was awarded the first impression rose way back when, the Software Sales Executive in Chicago and man-mumbler. His earlier tweet told his mother to not let Bella watch the show and hashtagged #fantasysuites so I assumed they'd accept the proverbial key at the end of their date.

First stop, a private island via helicopter, where they picnicked and swam and avoided awkward moments where Nick could not blurt out the three words Andi was hoping to hear. He tried to tell her that he loved her but like a big ole potato stuck in the throat, they wouldn't emerge farther than the larynx. Swim time! My favorite quote on this date was when Andi said "He's got a body on him." Of course I took it literally and giggled in my chair. Everyone has a body on them or they'd just be a head. Did anyone else notice the coral seemed phallic-shaped when they snorkeled? Those clever producers and camera people, planting ideas in our minds.
Nick wrote Andi an adorable book/fairytale about their relationship so far, complete with child-like drawings that I'm pretty sure Bella did when they were on hometowns. It was super-cute and allowed Nick the confidence to pull Andi aside to the shadows, pose against a palm tree and tell her he loves her (with his hands behind his back). They kissed passionately afterwards and headed to the Fantasy Suite to talk and stuff all night. Nick was very child-like on this date--insecure and bashful, which led me to believe they might just have an all-night game of hangman or thumb wars.


Josh, my personal favorite, had the next date and the editors showed lots of talk to the camera shots of her doubting her feelings for the big galloot. Sadly, there was no scarf on this date but Josh was able to be Mr. Fun Guy anyhow dancing in the street with Andi, speaking Spanish to the natives (I was wildly impressed), and even drinking a potion to insure virility. Who wouldn't want to hang with him, potion or not, scarf or not? At a kids' baseball game (not official little league--just normal kids playing baseball on a dusty baseball field), they joined the fun, ran around, mingled with kids and Josh proved himself as a potential great dad. Sitting in the shade afterwards with a giant coconut drink, the two lovebirds talked about parenting. Now, if you've actually had children there's nothing that squashes romance like a talk about parenting but for these two it seemed to up the attraction factor.
At dinner Josh fast-talked in his Elvis voice and did all but propose marriage. He wants this woman to be his forever. He's ready to make this legal, add Andi to the Josh and his dog Sabel family. Andi isn't allowed to talk about her feelings but the evening ended in noisy kissing in the fantasy suite pool. Cut to the full moon, fuzz the focus and fade out.

The next day Andi had a horseback riding date with Chris, the farmer from Iowa. But Andi is as scared of horses as I am and I had to chug a huge glass of wine to calm my jitters as she bounced and trotted and swore her head off down the dusty road. Horses are terrifying! Chris expertly rode beside her. They stopped at a scenic pullout for wine and a quick game of daylight Ghost in the Graveyard. Favorite quote on this date was Chris saying he loved the tractor ride in Iowa where Andi "hopped on my lap and went to town."

At dinner, Andi did not look particularly happy and we wondered if Chris's dirty pants on the riding date had put her off. Someone tell him he has a dirty butt, producers! Andi didn't even get to dinner, wine, or the fantasy suite card before she started to explain to the big farmer that it isn't Iowa that has come between them. No. apparently she can see herself driving that tractor into the sunset with Chris. But she can't make him wait for a rose ceremony for two days, wondering if he's going to spend the rest of his life with the woman he loves. It's not Iowa. It's him. Phew! As Chris realizes that she's dumping him and he needs to leave, he eloquently reassures her that he'll be okay and she walks him out. The date ends before it begins. But Andi, he could move the farm to L.A. (you have to know that Andi is probably not going back to being a D.A. in Atlanta after this.)
Can't Chris play a farmer on a TV show so we can watch him every week? We are grieving today, not for Andi and Chris, who weren't well suited but for ourselves who won't see Chris anymore, except on The Men Tell All. He won't be the next Bachelor. No way. It's corn season.

At the rose ceremony, Andi gave Josh and Nick the roses and explained that Chris was gone as her bright red mumu screamed for a belt and they toasted to themselves. Now there is only Nick and Josh left. Who will she end up with? Social media knows because of Reality Steve and also because Andi has been spotted with the lucky man lately, something she's not supposed to do but for those of you who want to wait two weeks to find out, my lips are sealed. And this blog.
Next week, The Men Tell All.

Kim Hornsby is the author of The Husband Hunt, an Amazon book series based on THE BACHELOR, as well as blogging about the reality show. When she isn't writing, Kim is performing open heart surgery, birthing triplets and keeping a tidy house.

The Bachelorette- What's with the Scarves?

The most complicated part of writing this blog today is that I did not blog the last two episodes and feel like I've let someone down.
I've been busy. I wanted to catch up by writing about the last two shows but now think it's easier to just move on. So I'll simply say that the men remaining on the show after Venice, Italy are Marcus, Nick, Josh, Brian, Chris and Dylan. Only four will go to hometowns. Let's see who.

The group jetted to Belgium next where it looked like you could see your breath. Remember this was April.
First thing I noticed when the men sat around in a group in their Brussels hotel room was that a door to door scarf salesman must've made a killing with this group. Four of the six had trendy scarves knotted fashionably around their necks. I laughed out loud.

The date card singled out Marcus for some wandering around Brussels and eating mussels in a café while Marcus's accent scarf went slightly askew. At dinner, they talked of Marcus's difficult relationship with his mother while eating once again in an ornately gorgeous, historical room. Marcus opened up about his family, admitted he's falling in love and the date ended on a nice note.











The next date card comes and the first name read is Josh. And the last name read is Josh. It's the next one on one. Josh adjusts his scarf and heads off to explore chocolate shops.

Andi snuggled in under the arm of the big hunk who talks too fast to understand. When she asked him questions, words poured from his mouth too quickly for us to hear but that's ok. He says the same thing four different ways in a stream of run on sentences so if you miss the first two sentences, you'll get the gist on the last one. This, along with his declaration that he hasn't dated anyone in years and won't say "I love you" until he's ready to propose makes Josh seem unbelievable.
When she got home and had just let her hair down, Nick knocked at her door, having lied at the hotel front desk to get her room number. After changing into jeans they went for a rule-breaking walk/kissfest outside. Hmmmm.

The group date was weird. They walked onto the property of a monastery and the only rule was no kissing on the grounds. That was weird #1. On the lawn, the four men sat at a coffee table laden with cheese and wine and Andi took them off for some alone time individually. Chris got his time with Andi showing her, a la the movie Ghost, how to throw a pot in a potter's studio. Nick got his alone time but wasn't allowed to kiss, Brian was able to desperately tell her how much she means to him
and Dylan barely got air time even though he'd taken out his hair from the hotel room top knot that some stylist must've told him looked good (or the scarf salesman). Weird date. All they did was sit around that coffee table. As it got dark out there on the lawn, Andi had a rose to give out and handed it to smarmy Nick who none of the men like. He remained to take Andi for dinner, now the only man assured of having a hometown date.

At the rose ceremony Andi arrived in a mirror dress perhaps to remind the men to look back at themselves and their motives for being on the show. Only Chris seems to really want a wife out of this and took her aside at the last minute before the roses were given out to either blow the whistle on Nick or kiss her. He kissed her, she broke it off PDQ and they headed back to eliminate Dylan and Brian, the obvious. Brian moped outside and when he heard laughter in the house, he assumed it was about him. Poor guy.

Next week Andi goes to meet parents and will hopefully find out why Nick is so analytical about this game, I mean this opportunity to meet his wife, why Chris is even on this show if he lives in a town of 758 people and never wants to leave Iowa, why Josh talks so fast, and why Marcus's mother ruled with an iron fist.

These days we don't have to wait to find out who wins, what happens, sometimes even what they eat on dates. Sources report back to a dude who calls himself Reality Steve and he has been divulging what happens in subsequent weeks on his blog since 2009.
 But now the internet is full of reports via this blog. Steve is right 99% of the time. People at restaurants, hotels, even flights, send Steve photos, reports and videos of the men.

Don't continue to read if you want to be surprised in the weeks to come. I give hints.
SPOILER ALERT ahead.

From reading these reports I've learned who wins. I'm not that invested in this season and don't care that much about Andi's happiness, like in the past. So I read ahead to see who she ends up with. I have my favorite for her and it looks like she ends up with him.
I also learned something that really makes me sad that the media can dredge up this information. The man who wins (?) sends more Snapchat photos to his ex-girlfriend (who also dated this man's brother) than Andi in June, a month that they are supposed to be in love, waiting to reveal to the world how happy they are. I hope he has a good reason for his snapchat numbers because there's no way Andi doesn't know this now.
Also, I learned that one man in the last four has dated so many gals around town that when Reality Steve showed up to do a radio program, it turned out the host once dated the contestant. And the internet has a video of the eliminated contestant in the last two phoning someone from his plane ride home after he got booted. He was understandably upset but this call is so revealing that I'm glad Andi didn't end up with him.
And now I feel badly for Andi, even though I'm fully aware that she can take care of herself. It seems like the man she chose has some 'splaining to do about the snapchats.

With life conducted on the internet, phones and through photos that can be shared around the world in a second, nothing is private anymore. Not as long as you have a smartphone and use it.

Kim Hornsby is the author of The Husband Hunt, a free novella on Amazon books that resembles a season of The Bachelor.
She is also the Best Selling author of THE DREAM JUMPER'S PROMISE a love story on Amazon.

The Bachelor - Hometowns,Fantasy Suites and Cross Examinations

Two nights of The Bachelor this week had us chomping at the bit to see what's going to happen in Juan Pablo Ville. Now J.P. himself has leaked The Bachelor winner to the press and has completely spoiled the ending for us. Chocking it up to a language problem is no longer acceptable. Oh how can I defend you after this Juanny? I'm not sure I can.

I won't tell you how this ends, just in case you want to follow this through until the end but let me just say that The Bachelor staff must be supremely disappointed with Juan Pablo Galavis' big mouth this season. It hasn't even made for great T.V.

Let's recap what we've seen on T.V. this week:

Hometowns had J.P. visiting Clare, Andi, Renee and Nikki. No one's family was completely enamored with the Bachelor. Nikki's parents were fair and accepting, saying that they trust their daughter's judgment. Andi's dad was openly unaccepting, Clare's family visit was downright strange and full of drama (did you expect less?), and Renee's family visit was full of a loving mother seeing her son again after weeks away.
Clare did a lot of posturing, pouting, dirty looks, Andi did a lot of smiling into his face, Nikki did a lot of wondering whether to tell him she loved him and Renee was just so happy to see Ben that it overshadowed everything. Unfortunately, the most down to earth woman on the show was sent packing, probably because J.P. saw that he shouldn't continue to date her when she has a son waiting for her at home and he has no intention of choosing her at the end. Consider yourself lucky Renee. She was allowed to cut the ties to the Latin charmer and get back to her child and the real world. I saw on twitter that Renee and a business partner are looking at bringing that big rolly ball fun in New Zealand to the L.A. area.
The more we see of J.P. the more we realize that he might not want to settle down at all.

Next, St. Lucia:

Tuesday's show was all about the three "overnight dates" Juan Pablo kept calling them. Excuse me, but that's supposed to be a secret in the form of a card opened at the end of the dinner and it's not a given that the girls will choose to stay with you all night in a bedroom. In his defense, the Bachelor did say repeatedly that it would be a chance to be with his date without cameras, alone, talk all night, wake up together.

First was Clare's date on a gorgeous yacht, motoring around St. Lucia, swimming, more hair flipping, pouting, sister bashing, and kissing.
Remembering how J.P. willingly "swam" with her in Vietnam, then threw her to the lions afterwards, Clare was coy about accepting the date card's offer to spend the night with the man she now loves. But in the end, and after determining that he just wanted to talk all night, she accepted the offer and off they went to be alone with the cameras and crew. The T.V. audience was treated to more pouting, kissing, hair flipping, kissing, hot tubbing, kissing, then thankfully, we were sent to commercial. The more I see of these two, the more I think they might be well suited.
Next was Andi's date and they seemed to have a fabulous time. Lots of laughing, kissing, fun.
She willingly headed off to the fantasy suite before dinner was even consumed it seemed, where she woke up the next morning hating on Juan Pablo. If all he did was talk about himself all night and name drop and not ask her what makes Andi tick, why the vicious attack on his personality on national T.V.? Andi was too angry for someone who simply saw a selfish side to the man she was falling in love with. As her rant went on and on, I liked Andi less and less.
First, Nikki's date.
Nurse Nikki showed up in a barely-there bikini top and long skirt, making J.P.'s jaw drop and his choice of bouncing around on horses the perfect date for him and Nikki.
Why the saddle cam, people? Just sayin'. It added nothing. A picnic on the beach had Nikki tell Juan Pablo that she loved him and the kissing began. Later at dinner, J.P. couldn't wait to get to the overnight part of the date and pulled out the date card as soon as Nikki sat down. Off they went.
Next we were treated to watching Andi walk up a St. Lucian hill several times on her way to break up with Juan Pablo. Let me just sum up this painfully long argument by saying that J.P. handled himself well during the cross examination of the lawyer who badgered him, hated on him, and exhaustingly tried to get J.P. to admit he's selfish. My hubby and I were practically screaming at the T.V. "Shut up Andi and just go already!" Then she went on and on in the van after she left. If this is Andi when she discovers that the man she almost fell in love with is not truly in love with her as a person, then I pity all her past boyfriends as well as J.P. Oh. My. Goodness. SHE WOULD NOT STOP.
Note to Andi: Please don't speak for all women when it is entirely your personal inability to judge a character well enough to see if a man is right for you or not. To wake up angrier than a badger on a rampage is your problem, not Juan Pablo's.
We may find out that Juan Pablo is a jerk in the weeks to come, (sure looks like it on the Women Tell All) but he handled himself well when being raked over the coals with Andi. It was a relief to move on from her rant.
Back at Juan Pablo's ego, he took the rejection gracefully and composed himself well enough to tell Clare and Nikki that they both had roses if they wanted them. Which they did.
The previews show both ladies crying on their beds, Juan Pablo walking off into the jungle and loads of tears at Women Tell All. I'm not waiting with baited breath for the next two weeks but-
We'll watch, we'll commiserate, we'll say "I told you so".

Juan Pablo- Is He FAIR or TWO FACED?

Hot Waterfalls, Hot Kissing, and Hobbit Land!

How cool is it that you can go to the set where they filmed The Hobbit and eat dinner inside a Hobbit House? Well, maybe you and I can't do it because we are the public, but the gang on The Bachelor can, and DID. Last night! In New Zealand! They actually had a cocktail party in Frodo's house or something similar, at Hobbiton, and that made my husband want to go to New Zealand right then and there.

But first, Andi's date. After loads of group dates, Andi, the prosecutor from Florida, got the one on one last night and promptly took to ironing her plaid shirt for a romantic moment with J.P. First they took off on a high speed boat ride up a river, then took a trek in swim suits through cold water, squeezing through tight boulder openings, and finally arrived at that waterfall we've seen in the promos. I'm sure those two were thanking their lucky stars that the water was fed by a hot spring, because it looked very cold in New Zealand last night. There was loads of kissing under the waterfall, then the two enjoyed a delicious dinner date by a geyser. But wait. The geyser blew and ruined dinner, so the two lovebirds ended up talking on a bridge in wet clothes. Where's the hot tub when you need one? Or a warm ocean? Andi got the rose but I think she might be too smart and career oriented for Juan Pablo.
Next was the group date, and the best part of this was that Clare and Juanny did not have to pretend that the other ladies weren't present on their lovefest because, mercifully, he did not ask Clare on the group date. More later on that one.
It was Cassandra's birthday! Getting a rose would be like a fairytale present, she said, but after they rolled down a steep hill like hamsters in a see-through ball and settled at the Hobbit House for drinks, Juan Pablo promptly took Cassandra aside and sent her home. Happy Birthday! He told her that he didn't want her to wait another 2 days for the rose ceremony. Hey, they are all going home soon anyhow. All but one, so why not sooner rather than later? And now the mommy from Detroit gets to see Trey, her little son who she missed so much.

The next one on one was with... Clare! Surprise! And that date included lots of Clare's signature brand of flirting which is loads of hair tossing, pouty mouth posturing, and head tilting while doing the first two. Also, she's learned that it's good to play hurt and weak around Juan because he really loves coming to this woman's rescue. Apparently Juan Pablo has not even held a woman's hand in the presence of his daughter, let alone have a date sleep overnight while Camila was at his place. God forbid. You could see Clare's face fall when she realized that his child is going to be a HUGE part of this relationship, and there might not be much kissing in a warm ocean, doing nothing inappropriate.

So now, I'm thinking that J.P.'s idea of appropriate is weirdly twisted and maybe those two did not do the nasty deed in Vietnam. But, why did Clare toast to "Making Love" last week, with that canary-eating grin on her face? Jury is still out. But Clare, beware. This is a man who will be a willing participant and make you feel terrible for sucking him in later.
Roses were given to Andi, Clare and Sharleen, who is considering blowing the Venezuelan hunk's Pop Stand next week if she's still a brown bear in a room of pandas. Tough talk from a kisser who leads with her tongue.

With Cassandra gone, only one gal needed to leave after the cocktail party, and that gal was Kat, the dancer who talked about crawling in the crib with her sister while her drunk father slept it off and didn't hear the baby's cries. Oh God. How sad is that? But it wasn't sad enough to make J.P. keep her and after Renee and Nikki and Chelsea got roses, there wasn't one left for Kat. We are still loving Renee over here but wonder if she isn't too mature for Juanny.
Next week they go to Miami so at least Kat didn't miss out on another exotic location. At this point, Juan Pablo needs to call a halt to all the kissing and try to develop some relationships that might include a 5 year old girl because playing tongue tag with Clare and Sharleen, who don't seem like the Mommy type is straying from the end goal.
In soccer talk, stop passing the ball to players who aren't near the net. Give it to the girl standing in front of the net with her foot ready.

Until next week...

Kim Hornsby is the author of THE HUSBAND HUNT, a short story series based on The Bachelor and for sale on Amazon Books. The first short story Jaxie's Mistake is free in all online book stores. http://amzn.com/B00BN1YNS0

She's also the Bestselling Author of The Dream Jumper's Promise, available also on Amazon.