Popping out Babies on THE BACHELOR

THREE HOURS OF THE BACHELOR!
And that would be a wonderful dream come true if the first hour wasn't filled with interviews and there wasn't at least another hour of commercials inside the last two hours. Once we caught up with skipping through the commercials, and caught up, it was frustrating.
Must tape the show. Must tape the show. Honestly, it's not worth it to watch 'live'.

Last night's first installment of the Bachelor Event had Chris H interviewing Kelsey, one of the most controversial contestants ever on The Bachelor. She's in awe that she was so misunderstood, and used words like "emotional and tumultuous day," "too many emotions amassing," and "as a mental health professional". The brilliant editing spliced in her most catty, weird moments to counter what she was saying in defense of herself and if you haven't seen it, those thirty seconds are worth all the commercials.

Chris Soules' interview was boring.

Andy Dorfman's interview was filled with tears and sniffing about how she and Josh just couldn't make it work. They are too similar, it seems. Chris H was hoping to hear they might reconcile but he knows about breakups as well as anyone, his own eighteen year marriage imploded 2 years ago.

That was the first hour.

The second hour began with the Deadwood Rose Ceremony. Taking Megan aside to talk, Chris looked nervous. Both parties realized that they just aren't very far down that love path and Megan left almost voluntarily, with dignity in tact, (unlike Ashley I. last week.)

The rules said another girl must go but hadn't Chris H announced there were no rules?
Yes!
Pack up everyone because we are all going to... wait for it...going to...Now you could tell the girls were waiting to hear Tahiti but instead got Iowa.
Carly, the cutie, said it best when she pointed at the camera and squealed "We're goin' to Iowa!"

The Bachelor crew set up the girls at a funky old hotel in Des Moines, Iowa, 3 hours from Arlington, where Chris's farm is located. Good idea because there is no hotel in Arlington.There is no movie theater, no restaurant, no people, and no nothing except a church and a few abandoned stores and a bank. But we will see this ourselves in another twenty minutes.

 Much to Britt's jealous chagrin, Jade got the date to Arlington, "where hills and prairie meet."

Overdressed in jeans, a jacket and boots for her wander around Chris's farm and town she meets Chris at his bachelor pad. If you didn't watch, imagine a ghost town with a feed store and a locked up church. There is charm and potential in the hamlet of what used to be Arlington and I bet real estate is super cheap seeing there isn't even a Starbucks, just a coffee pot in an abandoned office that gets turned on by whoever gets there first in the morning.
Turned out everyone had gone to the high school football game so off the two lovebirds went. Jade met the parents, kissed Chris on the football field after the game, toured the high school and tried to decide if being from this town was as bad as posing for Playboy. She held off telling him seeing there were stars in his lovelorn eyes. Why burst his bubble?
The next date was with Whitney, the chipmunk-voiced nurse who is looking like the most mature of all the girls. She really, truly likes Chris, I think. Who ever knows? And she got on well with his 3 best friends who joined them for drinks after a day of taking photos of each other around Des Moines.
Meanwhile, back in the hotel room, Carly is jonesing for a road trip to Arlington. Everyone goes but Jade who's already traumatized by yesterday's outing. She stays behind to practice saying "I posed for Playboy."
Off in the truck to Arlington, Iowa! Carly is a firecracker! She is definitely not there for the right reasons but I like that girl's spunk. #Carlyforbachelorette

After a shocking day of seeing nothing in Arlington except locked doors and the town preacher who wears a COD T-shirt (thereby telling everyone what there is to do in Arlington,) the girls turn around and head back to Des Moines wondering how gratifying it would be to just pop out babies in Arlington. Wait until you actually give birth ladies. You will never use that pop out phrase again to describe the most painful moment in a woman's life.
 Back in the purple carpeted 'suite' Jade unloads her Playboy story onto Carly's shoulders and Carly delivers the best line of the night, "Oh Mom, don't bother googling my wife."
The group date leaves out Becca for some reason and off Chris goes the next day with Kaitlyn, Britt and Carly to ice skate in the big hockey arena but no one can skate! Not even Chris, for some reason!

Britt lies that she LOVED Arlington and slides in to the GF spot, Carly inserts herself into the moral conscience zone saying she must tell Chris how fake Britt is, and Kaitlyn sneaks into the forgotten zone and expresses her concern that she hasn't had alone time since the first two weeks. She gets the rose and that makes smoke come out of Britt's ears who thinks she's the front runner and doesn't want to take just anyone home to meet her Dad next week.

Thunderbolts fly from Britt's eyes and a very squirm-worthy conversation ensues about Britt not wanting to be 2nd choice or 3rd choice for Chris. After recognizing how hard this love process is, he leaves, a gesture that is quickly becoming his signature move on this show.

And that's where we leave it for tonight.